Chapter Nine - Final Stage - Date 1992 - 1994

On June 1994 by announcement of the twenty first of July (Seyeh Tier) the day of uprising of people in support of Mossadeq as the Iranian National day, eventually, at least for that year, Mojahedin surrounded themselves to the wish of majority of Iranian and the fact of the history. Though some people didn’t realise the significance of this decision, in no way, any less than accepting the emblem of the ‘Sun and Lion’, for many of us it was a very good news. I personally never could imagine seeing Rajavi surrendering himself, forgetting about usual ceremonies of the twentieth of June. That year’s celebration of twentieth of June was a very small and modest one. I received a text of speech from Paris, repeating things, said every year, during past thirteen years. I had to give a speech for an audience of supporters, who all knew word by word, whatever I was going to say. Any way not only they did mind that modest meeting, but also I guess every body welcomed it as for the first time they were not forced to spend a lot of money and time for a useless gathering. We all were very happy and were preparing ourselves for next demonstration which was going to be the biggest and the most expensive ones. Personally I was as happy as I could be, all my mind, my heart and soul was for that demonstration which I was seeing it as a way to tie all Iranian from all walk of life together. I was as united with that demonstration, as I didn’t need to be told what to do. For a month every day for fifteen to twenty hours, I was doing every thing necessary for that celebration, mostly talking to supporters and Iranian for money, which we needed it badly. Only for two demonstrations that we were going to have in the United States, one in Washington DC and another in Los Angles we needed around one million dollars. During that month to borrow and earn the money we needed, I talked with more than three hundred people collectively or individually in different states. Though by then different sisters were responsible for associations, still they were not told that I am no more responsible for their relation with the organisation, so almost every thing had to be said to them by me. Still I was responsible to persuade them for doing things asked by the organisation and answering their questions and criticisms. One of the main problems as usual was predication of number of people who were going to attend the celebration, as everything had to be prepared according to that number. As usual the organisation’s estimate was not according to the facts, but what we were asked by Maryam or Masoud. We were asked for having ten thousand demonstrators, while according to supporter’s estimation we had to be very pleased if we could have one fifth of it. It was not a simple rally where wrong estimation was not very damage full, but a ten hours celebration, with different programs including rally and party. From banners and flags till food and temporary toilets every thing had to be hired or bought. Unfortunately, eventually, everything had to be prepared not for number of people whom we were expecting to be there, but according to the numbers given to us from Paris. In this way, while we were penniless and every single dollar had to be borrowed and helped by our supporters we spent five times more money and time, for making, hiring and buying useless materials. Another problem was slogans of the celebration, unlike previous years it was announced that organisers of these rallies are associations instead of Mojahedin, hence they were expecting to have a say in all decisions including slogans. Councils of associations were arguing correctly that as this celebration is a national one, we should not have Mojahedin’s slogans especially the famous rejected ones ‘Iran-Rajavi, Rajavi -Iran’. By now most of the Iranian including many of our own supporters and even some members while were not able to show it, had a position against this slogan. In every body’s view this slogan was putting our country equal to Rajavi, many of us as members of the organisation after the ideological revolution were accepting this interpretation of the slogan fully and were arguing that Iran without Rajavi is meaning less. I guess the nearest slogan ever given is the one given by Hess the Hitler’s henchman who in a public meeting said ‘Germany is the party and party is Hitler, Germany is Hitler’. In Iran during Shah’s era we had very unpopular slogan of ‘God-King-homeland’ still far from comparing our homeland with a special person. We in response were comparing this slogan to the Mossadeq’s era one, ‘either Mossadeq or death’. I admit, it was very difficult to compare these two slogans with each other and justify ours, as the first one was made and encouraged by the organisation, equalling our homeland with a person in this case Rajavi, and second one was made and flourished by the people demonstrating against Shah who had chosen another prime minister instead of Mossadeq, arguing that they are prepared to die rather than surrendering themselves to the Shah’s decision. I guess it was only an issue in the United States where associations were trying very hard to keep their independence and their liberty. By then all other associations in other countries, even some of them in the United States had surrounded themselves to the organisation’s wish and had accepted to go back to the old kind of relations with the Mojahedin. (I.e. To exists, only in name for different purpose.) Eventually as some of the council members of the associations in California, threatened the organisation that they are not going to participate in the demonstration, if that slogan be included among slogans of the rally, it was decided by the Paris that slogan be excluded only in Los-Angles. Hence in this way one of the major obstacles of the rally was solved.

Apart from working with supporters and Iranian for organising that rally, another responsibility of mine was to organise program of musician and singers for the celebration in different countries as most of them were living in Los Angles and I was responsible to deal with them.

            Since the start of their work with us, permanently they were under attack from different directions mostly from monarchist supporters and organisations, and their media in Los Angles. As a result not only they had lost all their earnings apart what they were receiving from us, but they had lost many of their friends and relatives. They knew almost nothing about Mojahedin’s past history, while always they were under question from different angle about our activities in the past. Almost every day for hours I had to talk with them about different issues rose either by the media or their friends. As we were getting closer to the day of rally, attacks of our foes against us and consequently against them was increasing sharply. As usual every day I had to face new rumour and prepare myself for answering back. Every day some encouraged by the media there, were tearing our posters on the walls, throwing paint on our bill boards, insulting our boys standing in the streets. Some times they were so proud of what they were doing that, they were announcing their activities in different Iranian media there. I have to admit having foolish foe is better than having unwise friend, as at the end with what they did against us, they portrayed us as the most democratic and oppressed organisation ever, making our supporters more encouraged and determined in what we were doing and attracting new people toward us, among them, some of old supporters of monarchist. One of them, a lady, friend of one of the celebrities working with us, told me that in any meeting they have, the main talk is about Mojahedin, strangely, contrary to the past, when all had the same position against us, by then there were differences of opinion among them and some were supportive and defending us against those who had their old stands.

            Eventually the day of rally, as we had our rallies in Washington and Los-Angles in consecutive days, first I went to Washington for welcoming the crowd and few members of congress and Iranian celebrities invited there. Immediately after the end of that one, I flow back to Los Angles, where we were expecting disturbances from our foes. As I was responsible for many things in that rally, I had to be present there from early morning to welcome every body and arrange for many things there. We were asked by Maryam to make that rally as glorious as possible, not thinking about money, where whatever we do is worthy. Thanks to our supporters and Iranian we could reduce the cost immensely. Almost every thing in that rally was innovation by our supporters, especially new supporters from ordinary Iranian. An Iranian lady, artist in flowering was responsible for flowering of the area, another one, and a famous Iranian photographer, responsible for photographing. A famous Iranian cinematographer, winner of few cups in his area of work, was responsible for filming the rally. Apart from singers and musicians we had hired a Marching band, for playing our National anthems in between programs and when we were going to march. Everywhere in the area was covered by the Iranian flags, colourful balloons, flowers, sign of ‘sun and lion’. Three hug balloons carrying Iranian flags, portrays of Maryam and our slogans for the event were hanged above the rally area. Different stations for serving food, selling souvenirs of the rally, in Iranian shape and form were there too. Huge portrait of Mossadeq, Maryam and Masoud were everywhere. On top of all this we had hired huge and very expensive equipment for showing the same ceremony, which had taken place in Paris, where for the first time Maryam unofficially talked for the Iranian crowed outside of Iraq.

            By the start of our program, we faced the disturbances, we were expecting, ten to fifteen people carrying portrays of son of Shah start giving slogans against us. I have to say their presence over there was more beneficial to us than their cause; this was the fact, which later was admitted by some of their own papers too. Their number compare to ours which was something like one to hundred, wrongly, was somehow show of balance of power between us and our foes there in Los Angles, in the past considered as the capital of Iranian monarchists abroad. Their presence there and little disturbances, which they created, attracted not only Iranian media, but also many American local newspapers and television who all gave us the best possible coverage. Apart from their presence there, they had hired a plane to carry portrait of son of Shah above the rally area. When their plane showed itself, they found new incentives; perhaps felt that this innovation is going to cover the lack of their number. By luck we had hired a plane too, for carrying portrait of Maryam and making flag of Iran by smoke. Hence when our plane showed itself in the area every body including those monarchists felt that we had reacted to their actions. Every body including them were surprised by our fast reaction and move, which was unimaginable. For some times those two planes were following each other in circle above the area, then when our rally started they along monarchists left us, with a victory which later was portrait in the media there. Though we were not able to have one fifth of the crowd asked by our leader and as usual many things were wasted there, our gathering there was the most successful one, as we had most crowded Iranian demonstration there for years.

            Bitter reality

            By the end of the rally, I was called by my masoul, she said, she has a message from Maryam, she read the message for me, it was something like this: “… BEH KOORIE CHASHEM ‘X’, ‘Y’, ‘Z’, … your demonstration went very well and I congratulate you for that.” ‘BEH KOORIE CHASHEM’, is an expression said against those who cannot see the success of others, means: ‘the eyes of those who can not see the success of us or some body else be blind’. ‘X’, ‘Y’, ‘Z’, were names of three of our old supporters, who as matter of fact helped us a lot for organising that demonstration! One of them helped us immensely in borrowing money where, without that money we never were able to organise that extravagance rally. Hence one might ask what did those supporters do, which made them as hateful as being cursed by the ‘kindest’, and most ‘mercy full’ lady on earth. Their ‘crime’ was to show some resistance and rejection towards our slogans especially ‘Iran-Rajavi, Rajavi-Iran’. Their objection was not even for themselves, but for people who were invited to a ‘national’ rally with the promises that they are not going to give slogans for or against any organisation. Yes in organisation’s view and our leader’s one, this was the worst crime a supporter could commit.

            I was very tired and had very bad backache as a result of one-month restless work, especially previous past few days. But with no doubt, I have to say I could not feel any pain till I heard that message. When suddenly I lost all my energy, all my happiness, all my eager to carry on and do whatever I was doing till that moment. Suddenly I surrounded myself fully to my physical pain and tiredness, asked for permission and left for my office. My masoul joked with me and said: “You have become like ‘Arash’, a mythical archer, who when throw his last arrow for pointing the boundary between our country and its neighbour, after a war, as he used all his energy for throwing that arrow, lost his life and fall on the ground, dead.” I guess she was right, I had lost all my energy, but not with throwing my last arrow, but with losing my last hope and desire, which I didn’t realise it fully by then.

            For sometimes I had my separate office in Los Angles as office of the representative of the National council of resistance in America. This office almost every day since morning till late night was full of supporters and sometimes-ordinary Iranian who were curious to know more about our new slogans and programs. Most of the times as I was so busy talking with different people, I could not find time to leave that office and was eating and sleeping there; even sometimes I used to wash myself in its small-shared lavatory. Now I was laid in the same office watching the ceiling without thinking about anything. Once or twice I was called by my masoul, who asked how I am and asked me to go to our main office so they can look after me. I asked her to let me to stay there, where I was, with the excuse that I cannot move and any movement makes my back pain worse than what it was. After one day, still I was not prepared to think about what I heard from my masoul. As matter of fact during those days pain was more comforting and delicious than anything else, with excuse of pain, I could let myself free from thinking about anything else. Gradually I start thinking about that message to digest it. I could not imagine, my masoul lying to me on behalf of Maryam. She was one of the five highest members of the organisation, with rank of ‘equal to first masoul of the organisation’, I even could not imagine those words come from her while they were calling themselves as ‘servants of people and supporters’, so how could I imagine her making those words for Maryam, while nobody even in lowest ranks dared to say anything on behalf of Maryam or Masoud without they actually saying those things. On the other hand how could I imagine Maryam saying those words?! Still I was looking at her as angel of kindness and mercy?! Was I dreaming everything? Was I a dreamer? A wishful thinker? I was not able to deny and reject Maryam. If I was doing that, it was the end of everything for me, end of my work with the organisation, end of all my hopes and wishes, end of seeing freedom and happiness in my homeland. Even the end of seeing another smile on my own face. I guess it was too difficult for me to throw everything including all sacrifices, I had seen and done away and accept the reality. The reality was too bitter to be swallowed then. The easy ways out of that dilemma was to blame myself and see it as my own mistake, rather than theirs. I persuaded myself that different masouls have given wrong reports about those people to Maryam and I have not been strong enough to stand against their wrong report defending them. Hence Maryam’s judgement about them had been based on wrong reports. In this way I found enough energy to stand up again and return back to my work, while I could see clearly a dark point on my heart, which could not be rubbed away.

            After that celebration, all celebrities who were working with us, as they were considered by everybody as new recruits of the organisation, they faced harshest attacks ever from different Iranian media abroad. Almost all of them lost any other jobs they might have except ones, which we had for them. In a way their only source of income became Mojahedin. Apart from financial problem, they were tired of insults and phone calls they were receiving from lobbies of the monarchist and perhaps pro-regime elements in Los Angles. Once when I visited one of them, he let me to hear a recorded tape of few of those phone calls. It was very clear for him and me that those phone calls were not from ordinary Iranian but political and professional people, with clear intentions. Still he told me he is tired of those phone calls and is thinking to stop working for us. This was the same story, I had to hear every day from almost all of them for a month or two after that meeting we had. Any time there was an article against any of them in one of the Iranian papers in Los Angles or a comment in one of the Iranian radio or television’s programs I was expecting to receive few phone calls from them complaining about the situation. They wanted we stand for them and answer back those insults in the same media. At the same time I was under immense pressure from our own supporters as well to have interview with those media and answer all their questions and allegations. Personally as I was in the same atmosphere and could see and feel their logic, I was in total agreements with all of them; but at the same time, I knew perfectly well to persuade our people for us having interview with media for long considered as monarchist, is not an easy job.

            Back among Iranian

            After many reports of mine eventually the organisation start reacting towards demand of celebrities in responding toward attacks of our foes against them. Our propaganda section arranged for few interviews and programs for our own television and radio programs, which not only solved any problem, but some how create new ones, as gave new excuses to our foes to attack those poor artists even more than before. By then I had major differences with our people in Paris about that issue and how we can overcome it. Eventually they called me to Paris to find a solution for the problem, while already; as usual they had their own conclusions and their own solutions and just wanted to inform me about it. They told me that they think the only problem those celebrities are facing, is financial ones and we had to find a solution for that. They told me that they have reached to this conclusion that they have to set a monthly salary for all of them and in exchange ask them to sing for us in our different meetings for free. Though I could accept that financial problem is part of the problem, but disagreed with them that is the whole problem. The person nominated to solve this problem in Paris was Abrishamchii, when he told me how much they intend to give them monthly, I told him clearly that amount is not enough for them and they will refuse it. After long discussion Abrishamchii told me: “It seems you don’t know anything about our financial situation, how can we afford to give them anything more?!” This was the same accusation, which I had heard before, this time I didn’t stop rejecting their offer and told them that if we insist on that offer we are going to lose all of them. At this point Abrishamchii told me if this is the case, “so be it, as we cannot afford a penny more.” I had nothing more to say about the same subject. Following those meetings we invited all of celebrities who were working with us to Paris and after long discussions with one by one of them we informed them about our offer. As I was guessed none of them agreed with our original offer, though we were forced to increase it in few steps, to make it more acceptable, still two of them left us as they found our offer far from what they needed for having their life as it was before. Back in Los Angles the oldest one of them very well known and respectable Iranian singer to return to his normal life was forced to have interview with an Iranian radio and a television program. In his interview with that radio, as he was badly under attack, he was forced to cry loud, hearing him and later seeing him forced to cry and some how repent for what he had done, was very sad for me, somehow I cried with him too, while I was not able to stop myself hating those people for forcing that respectable Iranian artist to repent and cry, I could not stop blaming the organisation for its wrong judgements and wrong decisions. Few days later I was called from Baghdad, it was Masoud himself. He asked me about him and why didn’t we stop him from having that interview?! He asked me to find him immediately and offer him any amount of salary that he needed. Next day I found him and talked with him for long, but it was too late, he was back to his normal life and was not prepared with any price to return to where he was. I hoped that experience be a good lesson for the organisation, as he originally was asking only thousand dollars more than our offer, and it was refused, now we were ready to offer him any amount and he was not in the situation to accept it any more. A month later the second singer left us too as we were not ready to offer him the right amount he needed to survive without working with other Iranian oppose to us. As problems of other celebrities were not solved either and still they were complaining about insults of Iranian papers and media in Los Angles, eventually in a meeting with Maryam, I persuade her that, the way out of that situation and the way for finding our real support among Iranian is to end our ban on those media. Up to then we only were prepared to talk and have relation with the associations and media fully supportive of us. As mater of fact, according organisation’s view and judgement, whoever was not supportive of us, certainly was supportive of either Iranian regime or monarchists or at least American CIA or British intelligence service. Hence this was quiet a big victory for me to persuade her to let me to start talking with Los Angles Iranian media.

            With the help of one of the celebrities and his wife who were very close to me, I start having meeting with Iranian media. Though previously I was acquaintance with some of them who were more independent and few of them by then were among my good friends, this time my meetings were more for work, rather than getting advice from them. I was very hopeful by answering many questions and more than that rumours of our foes against us in their own media, we can neutralise the poisonous atmosphere existed against us. In my first meeting with owner of one of the Persian television programs, I suggested as we have nothing to be afraid of, let for the first time to have live broadcast so any Iranian in Los Angles can call us and ask any question in any manner they wish. As I was told this was the first time, not only for us but also for any Iranian politician, to appear in live question and answer television program, over there. Not only my masoul and I were very excited and some how worried about this program, but almost all our supporters and especially our celebrities’ friends were excited and worried too. Though by then I had only few meetings with the producer of the program, by now he was as close to me as wanting badly the program goes well with full success. Originally we had plan for only one live program, but as it went very well and we faced warm enthusiasm of people, it changed into three programs, in three consecutive weeks. Each time I wanted to appear there I was accompanied by one of the close celebrities, few of our close supporters, who all kindly wanted to give me encouragement and support.

            I could understand fully their anxiety and even fear. After all for long Iranian media in that city and many Iranian living there were considered as our first-degree foes abroad. Since the revolution and even before that, during the Shah’s era, those people mostly belong to upper class of Iranian society, always had been under influence of harshest propaganda against Mojahedin. During those years Mojahedin not only did any thing to neutralise those propaganda, but with their offensive and sometimes nasty and disgusting actions against any Iranian living there, and later with our unwise and damage full propaganda, intensified that atmosphere too. When for the first time I had my meeting with one of the famous Iranian cinematography, he told me about number of times he had been insulted by our people standing in the streets selling our newspapers, just because of asking the same questions and doubts expressed by media there.

            I personally asked all our supporters not to call the program and let lines be free for our foes and ordinary Iranian to ask their questions. As a result during few hundred-phone calls, which we had during those live programs, except one or two, all were from ordinary Iranian and some who clearly were lobbying for the regime and monarchists. During the program all lines of the television station were engaged. No body was expecting this amount of phone calls, still many more among ordinary Iranian and even our foes were complaining that they tried very hard without any success to call us. Even after the first program every body was talking about total success of the program and start of a big change in the attitude of people toward us. In second program as time was limited, one of the questioner asked me for my personal phone numbers, after I announced my phone number, that night till early morning and days after our phone numbers all the time were busy by phone calls of ordinary people who wanted to talk to me and raise different questions and give different comments about the organisation and the program. I guess during those live programs almost all questions and comments existed against us were raised and were answered. More than answering those questions, as the producer of the program mentioned it, we could portray new image of Mojahedin.

            By then, despite our effort to change our image, as our propaganda was restricted to our one hour weekly television program, full of news and films about our army and our leader. We had no success in our objective. As matter of fact rarely anybody except our own supporters and our foes was bothered to watch our program. Hence for many ordinary Iranian this was the first time; they were seeing a live Mojahed talking to them. I guess the image which they had from Mojahedin in their mind, as it was put to me by my own sister when I met her there after fifteen years, was more a guerrilla type of person with thick moustache, and military dress, rather than an ordinary person like their own relatives.

            As a result of those programs, there were many positive and negative comments in different Iranian media. The most famous Iranian radio there, well known for being oppose to us, had few hours program about our program. Different Iranian media there accused the producer of the program, who had interview with me that his program had been fully in our advantage. He was as much under pressure that had to have few hours interview with one of the intellectuals, a vanguard of those opposing us.

            Our supporters were more than any body else happy about those programs, many of them for days were coming to our office to show their happiness and gratitude, one of them after the first program brought me a suit as a present, to have it in next program, another one brought an expensive cologne as present, many came with flower and sweets. Celebrities close to us were very happy too. One of them who previously was forced by our foes to leave us, told me: “to force my friends and relatives who are against you and many of your foes whom I knew them to see you and hear you, I told them that some thing is wrong with my television and asked them to record your program for me to see.” I guess this was a common problem among all those who were close to us. Almost all of them had a surrounding totally oppose to us. Our supporters too, gradually they had been forced to isolate themselves by restricting their friends to other supporters. Some even had left their relatives and old friends for being with the Mojahedin. Hence for all of them this was new opportunity to have their old friends and relatives back and be accepted by them as a supporter of Mojahedin. Personally I could feel this change of atmosphere too, few times when I had to do some shopping from Iranian shops there, I found their show of respect by refusing to accept money or offering some sweets. In one Iranian restaurant, the owner and employee of the restaurant asked to have a photograph with me. All this changes in my view were as a result of our respect for people, understanding them, and respecting their right to question us and even accuse us in any way they like. In my view our people were thirsty of democracy and could feel it when it was genuinely offered to them.

            It was very strange that after those programs I was receiving different reactions mostly positive from everywhere, but none at all from our own organisation. Our television and radio who were not prepared to leave any comment about us, un-answered, about these interviews and great number of comments about them were completely silent, apparently not knowing what stand should they take. Except after the first program which I saw a positive reaction of my masoul, I saw no more reaction from her. Even whenever I asked her about any criticism she might have had about my responses or reactions to questions, her reaction more than being positive or negative was silence, as she didn’t know what to say. By then I had learned that personal success is the most dangerous things for any body in the organisation. I had seen what had happened to those whom in the past had achieved some personal success, how soon they lost their ranks, their jobs, and were sent to some where else in the organisation far from what they were doing. Once one of the independent member of the NCR told me: “we don’t dare to say anything good about any of your members except your sisters as we know if we do he will be changed and replaced immediately by somebody else completely inexperienced.” Even we were not hiding this fact from ourselves as we had an ideological explanation for it. Our justification was that: “personal success corrupts the person, and make him ideologically vulnerable.” Even for changes, which were coming afterwards, we were praising our leader for his sacrifices, as he was prepared to sacrifice continuation of those achievements for saving the soul of the successful one. Personally I was well aware of this fact and was very cautious not to be marked with any personal. I could not see those interviews as my personal success and was saying to any body who was praising me: “this was a job could be done by any of our members and supporters, if not better, certainly not worse than what I did. The only one who has to be praised is Maryam who let me to have these interviews.” This was my genuine believe, hence, I could not feel any ideological threat toward myself. My only worry was that if organisation thinks otherwise and stops the work, which already had been started, and ruins all my hopes for future of our relation with people and media there. My worry was intensified when I received few phone calls, praising me for what I was doing there, asking me why am I not going to substitute Rajavi with his wrong policies. Later the person who was considered by the organisation as our first journalist foe praised me in a television program. In a Radio program organised to neutralise my interviews, the showman of the program in response to the question of one of his listeners, who asked what was wrong with my speech, said: “nothing was wrong with them, as matter of fact I wished every body in Mojahedin was like him, but the problem is Mr. Rajavi is not any thing like him, as matter of fact he is completely opposite to Mr. Banisadr . . . ” Then he starts repeating his usual criticism against Mojahedin and Rajavi. I knew perfectly well, whatever I do and however hard I try to neutralise the effect of this kind of comments, they will be heard by the organisation and are going to have their implications. As a result I refused to continue the program after three programs, and stopped talking with other television and radio stations for time beings to see and feel the reaction of the organisation first. But however hard I tried; I saw no response from any body. The only criticism I received was not from my masoul, but strangely from one of the brothers in America, strangely as it was very unlikely we criticise each other while we knew whatever we were doing and saying had blessing of our masouls and in my case Maryam herself. He criticised me for one of my responses, when to give a reason for our hate toward Heazbollahies, I said: “I cannot call those people as my brothers when I see their atrocities, for example cutting lip of a lady, just because of wearing a lipstick.” He criticised me for my example, while I could give examples about their atrocities in the prisons. I told him about the difference between atrocities against ordinary people who only want to have their personal freedom and torture of our comrades who knowingly have chosen a direction which they know the end of it is martyrdom and torture. I said: “while the later one might look more horrible than former one, but as the first one is not only against an individual but against freedom of the whole nation, it is more sever than latter one. He had nothing to tell me, obviously he knew my reasoning perfectly well and was agree with me from the start, it was very clear for me that his criticism as usual came from our masoul and not himself. But what was puzzling me was that, why she, herself didn’t criticise me?! One year later I found out the answer of my puzzle.

            Celebrities a bridge between people and us or as few more Mojahed members.

            On August we announced two news, both of them with a lot of coverage in different Iranian and even international media. The first one was announced by Masoud as an “organisation’s sacrifice” He announced from then on all our offices abroad are changing into offices of the representatives of Maryam as future president of Iran, hence from then on they are not only belonging to Mojahedin but to all Iranian. Further more, he announced if he feels, it is in the interest of the revolution and people, he is prepared to abolish Mojahedin organisation. Well it was years that the organisation by itself was meaningless for us, not only the organisation but also everything else was changing for us into Rajavis (i.e. Masoud and Maryam) and only Rajavis. So abolishment of the organisation for the interest of ‘Revolution and people’, which were equal to Rajavi, was not anything new. Many of our foes interpreted this news as show of internal conflict within the Mojahedin. I guess the second news was more genuine than the first one. It was announced with a photograph by the Associate Press: “23 August 94 – Auvers-sur-oise, Marzieh, once the grand dame of Iranian Music during Shah’s reign, posses with Iranian resistance president elect Maryam Rajavi at her resistance in Auvers-sur-oise, north of Paris. Marzieh 69 vowed Tuesday Aug. 23 never to return to the homeland she left three weeks ago until the hard line clerics who rule it over thrown.” I knew about her intentions to join us months ahead, few months earlier she was introduced to Maryam by Mrs. Matin-Daftary, an independent member of NCR, close friend of Marzieh, I guess by then her mind was made already, she asked to announce her intention in joining us after her return from Iran. As many Iranian, I was in love of her voice, as matter of fact before joining the organisation I had almost complete collection of her songs. But after joining the Mojahedin I destroyed all my collection as we knew her as one of the ‘singers of the Shah’s court’ and along other celebrities of Shah’s era she was rejected by the organisation vehemently.

            When she went back to Iran, everybody in the organisation for one month was so worried if she fulfils her promise and return back to Paris for joining the organisation. Later some of other celebrities close to us, to encourage them to stand against the pressure of our foes, were informed about her intention too. Cleverly one of them suggested that she announce her support for the Organisation not in a meeting with Maryam but in a huge concert abroad, perhaps in Los Angles, where her first concert after the overthrow of Shah, most probably could attract tens of thousands of people.

            I was very much supportive of this idea too, but already mind of the organisation was made about the way of announcement of the news. Their response to Matin-Daftri’s suggestion that news be announced in a press conference was vehemently rejected as well. At that point I could feel a major difference between my attitude toward celebrities and the organisation’s one. By then as all our policies toward celebrities used to be announced and execute by Abrishamchii, I was thinking that my difference is not with the organisation and its leadership but with Abrishamchii and his narrow minded advises.

            The difference was that I along every body else close to us used to believe that we should get help from celebrities for going among people. While the organisation was in search of new well known admirer for the leadership of the organisation, their intention was to take celebrities among us, making them as new Mojahed, instead of using them as some kind of bridge for going among people. I presume if I was able to doubt the organisation by then, I could conclude that eventually their intention is not to be in service of people, but changing people into admirer of Rajavis and in their service.

            Hence choosing between Marzieh taking messages of our resistance among millions of people from one hand or showing her as new admirer of Maryam on the other hand, Mojahedin clearly peaked the latter one. Later she was encouraged to have her first concert after years of silence not for ordinary people, but for Masoud and Mojahedin in Iraq. Singing in front of Masoud, who was listening to her like kings! Later we showed her in another show with a military dress standing on the tanks, singing Mojahedin’s anthem. This kind of shows and show of their videos from our television programs, instead of helping us to get closer to ordinary people, gave impression of Marzieh singing for new ‘Shah’, and separated her from her ordinary admirer. They could see her changed from admiring Shah into admiring Masoud and Maryam. Those who were in love of her singing of Old Iranian love story poems now were seeing her singing military anthem of Mojahedin. This was not acceptable for ordinary Iranian and clearly they who felt she has betrayed them rejected her. As a result, later when she had few concert in different countries, she received fraction of her admirers and each time as usual with baring hug expenses we had to fill her concert saloons with our supporters taken from different countries. Soon she was encouraged to become member of NCR, nominated as advisor of Maryam in ‘art’.

            To force her back to Iran, the regime tried to use her children. Even her son, encouraged by the regime, in one of her concerts tried to talk with her and later called her ‘old woman deceived by Mojahedin’. In response she denied her love for her son and about ‘threat of the regime against her daughter’, said: “even if the regime kills my daughter, I am not going to stop supporting Mojahedin.” Hence once more the differences and hates among Mojahedin and the regime resulted in separation, and even hate among families and close relatives, the repeat of the same story seen by us thousands of times in past fifteen years. In view of everybody Marzieh the diva of Iranian people changed into another Mojahed without any will of her own, or any common love and feelings of ordinary Iranian.

Encouraged by Marzieh’s activities and her different speeches in admiration of Maryam, Mojahedin decided to monopolise all celebrities working with us.

            Once in a meeting with one of them, very close to us, I was informed by him about his intention to sing for another political groups to show his free will and his support for us, based on his free will. By then he had accepted the invitation of Feda’ian-Majority, to sing for them. I knew the attitude of the organisation toward Feda’ian very well, they as other political groups not member of NCR were considered as collaborators of the regime, hence I could tell him immediately what the response of the organisation would be. But I hesitated as in pervious year, when I stopped talking with another celebrity when he sang for the same group, I was criticised by Abrishamchii, on behalf of Maryam and later personally he talked with that celebrity and praised him very much, invited him to sing for us. Well I didn’t realise that by then we were badly in need of those celebrities and were ready to sacrifice all our ‘principals’ and pay anything to have them, but not after Marzieh. As Abrishamchii said: “when we have thousand why should we go after one or even tens.” Any way I wrote in my daily report about decision of that celebrity to sing for Feda’ian. As usual that nobody was able to take any position, except leadership, I believe, my report had to go hand to hand to Maryam or Masoud himself in Iraq. Hence after few weeks when it was very close to the concert of that celebrity for Feda’ian, I received urgent phone call from Paris to stop him with any price and tell him, if he sings for them he is not able to sing for us any more. Problem could not be solved as easily as they thought, eventually after trip of him and I to Paris, and spending more than ten thousand dollars for damage of cancellation of that concert, we persuaded him not to sing for that group.

            After this experience, organisation decided to force all celebrities working with us to take clear political position, in first step by refusing to sing for other political groups and later by forcing them to choose between joining the NCR or leaving us all together. Hence story of our work with those celebrities in my view ended very sadly, instead of getting help from them to introduce ourselves to our people as a democratic alternative for Iranian regime, we found few new ‘members’ for our organisation who could sit along others and praise whatever our leaders was deciding and doing.

            In my effort to change attitude of Iranian media there in our advantage and ease the situation for celebrities who were more than ever under attack, I continued to have good relation with many of them. Even once or twice, falsely it was announced that I am going to have interview with the famous radio known as our first foe over there. I had another interview with one of the weekly Persian papers there and eventually I persuaded Maryam to let me to talk and have interview with the most famous Iranian Television program there. I had few meetings with the director of that program and we decided that we organise a long interview for me with one of the Iranian intellectuals working there as presenter of the program. By then I was asked from Paris to ask them to give us the sort of question they are going to ask me. I told them to choose questions in any way they wish; even I insisted that questions should be in a manner that nobody feels that they are in our advantage. I informed Maryam about this matter and gave her my reasons as well. Despite that when I faxed the questions to Paris, in response I received a direction not to go for that interview. Apparently they had reached to this conclusion that the person who was going to interview me was not a friend or even impartial toward us but an enemy. It was decided and whatever I did and said, had no effect in changing their mind. I had to find a proper excuse for not having or postponing that interview. By then I didn’t know, but later I learned that when a decision is made like that, where nobody, not even Maryam can change it, it has only one meaning and that is, ‘it has been made by Masoud himself’.

            Anyway after that decision I was asked to go to Paris. Over there I found Abrishamchii, Jabarzadeh, Towhidi, and Mohadessin, who all were from oldest members of the organisation, acting as advisors of Maryam in different fields all in support of that decision. By then naively I was thinking that those four are responsible for all our wrong policies in different fields. I tried desperately to argue against them, without any success as all of them, one by one were God of ‘talking’ as much as making any body tired of arguing, in their arguing they didn’t need to produce any fact or proper logic, talking and talking and giving slogan against our enemies was more than enough for rejecting any new idea. The only thing they needed to know was: ‘what is Masoud’s position’ about that matter, the rest was easy they were able to find proper ‘logic’ in support of Masoud’s idea. Unfortunately by then while I was trying hard to argue against them, I had no clue that the decision had been made by Masoud, other wise I had enough experience not to waste every body’s time with wasteful logic and reasoning. Anyway after those meetings Maryam called me and asked me to produce a plan for establishing a 24 hours daily Persian radio program for America. She told me: “As we want to have widest listeners possible, this radio should be recognised as politically impartial, only with position of being against Iranian regime.” While I was there I prepared a complete plan for establishing that radio. When I handed my plan to her, she asked me what do I need for start of our work? I told her your blessing and nothing more, except myself, I want full time of myself and help of some of the part time supporters who are not helping the organisation in other fields. She asked me, how am I going to finance that project? I told her: “if we stand by our promise that the radio is going to be politically impartial, I have no problem in financing it as almost all our supporters and many Iranian around us are dreaming for establishment of a radio like that, hence I am sure they are going to help us fully.” She approved my plan and asked my masoul to free me completely for doing that job. Only she asked me as before, to be responsible for celebrities who were working with us.

            In my return I put all my effort and two of close part time supporters time for establishing that radio asked by Maryam. I was facing many problems, which had to be solved. Firstly I had to find well-known people, showmen and show-women, writers, poets, singers, musicians, technicians, who be prepared to work in that radio. Secondly I had to find enough money to begin the work with. Apart from these problems we had to find a radio station to hire and find a way for broadcasting in many states of the United States. But my main worry were not these, but the Mojahedin themselves. By then I had lost most part of my beliefs and trust towards the organisation. I had seen how easily promises are given even by Maryam herself and later been withdrawn simply by a phone call or one page fax. Hence I was very hesitant to sign any contract or give any promises, I wanted more assurances, especially towards the promise given by Maryam about impartiality of that radio. To solve the financial problem we printed a thousand dollars bonds in the name of ‘Iran Zamin Radio’. For few weeks I travelled around the country, talking with many of our supporters and close Iranian to sell them those bonds. Fortunately during those trips, I could collect more than hundred thousand dollars, which was enough for the start of our work. In talking with many supporters I found out they were hesitant to help us as they were seeing those bonds as new trick of the organisation for getting more financial help. Hence according to my estimate later when they could see the work of our radio they were going to help us few times more and perhaps gradually the radio with advertisements could be able to finance itself.

            At the same time parallel to celebrities who already were working with us, I start talking with many new celebrities. In this respect, we were successful as well as we found enough famous people ready to work with us in different field, which we didn’t need any body else. To test the organisation, to see if they are going to keep their words, in all my reports I was overemphasising that those who are going to work with us want and demand their full independence, even they are asking that the director of the radio should be elected by them and not nominated by us. Responses to all my reports were positive, though sometimes they were arguing with me over right of other groups and personalities oppose to us for talking in that radio. After few weeks, we found the radio station we wanted, but before signing any contract, as still I was not sure about final words of Paris, I asked for one-month free trial of radio to find out about its domain and its efficiency. Eventually we start broadcasting twenty-four hour daily music for the test of the radio. During all these works I stood firmly against pressure of our office in Paris for announcement of the start of the work of the radio, or asking those who were going to work with us to resign from their works. Even when the establishment of the radio was announced in other Iranian paper, we showed no reaction toward it and let them to say anything they wished about it.

            Soon I learned how right I was for doubting the organisation about that issue. Some how I felt proud of myself for all my resistance in signing any contract, renting any huge buildings, buying any equipment, or accepting any commitment toward others or forcing those poor celebrities to leave their job and announce their intention for working with us.

            Bankrupted politics

            On November 1994, eventually after a year of different political activities of us and lobbies of our foes, new report of the American state department about Mojahedin was published. According to this report, similar to previous one, Mojahedin were recognised as a ‘terrorist’ organisation. Hence once more the state department refused to have any contact with us. Though during year before announcement of this report, to make it different, Mojahedin did whatever they could. Including not having any guerrilla activities inside of Iran, having contact with Iraqi’s Kurdish groups who obviously had blessing of the state department. Even for the first time having contact with Israelis, which was announced in their radio, and later in Iranian papers, though for obvious reason was denied by the Mojahedin. To show that we have changed from hot-blooded revolutionaries into moderate and democratic force, different policies, including our tendency toward Nationalism, closure of Mojahedin’s offices, . . . were employed. Still against all these measures, we could not change the mind of the state department toward the organisation. Their facts about our terrorist activities was not based on pervious year’s activities but year before that. They didn’t buy our moderation as a sign of our tendency toward democracy as they could see no change in our attitude towards other political groups. Change of names and faces in the organisation, even electing Maryam as future president, didn’t help us to whitewash our past history as long as Masoud was the sole ideological leadership of the organisation and the ‘resistance’.

            That report was great blow to Mojahedin, as for years, with production of hundreds of signatures of supports from members of the congress, ‘letter’ from the president of the United States, his ‘photograph’ with our so called ‘foreign minister’, the organisation tried hard to prove to every body, more than any body to Iraqi’s that, we have full support of American in any fight against the Iranian regime, while now with the publication of that report, we were officially called as a ‘terrorist organisation’ by American.

            One could clearly see with publication of that report there was an end to our hope for permission of Iraqis for letting us to cross the border and move toward Iran with all our armaments. After all how could they give such a permission to us, as long as any failure like one previously we had in 1988, could not internationally, interpreted in any other way except as new incursion of ‘Iraqis’ against Iran. Not only it could result new war between strong internationally supported Iran and weak isolated Iraq, but after the Gulf war, certainly it could bring international condemnation for Iraqis and perhaps invasion of their country by American and British, hence change of government there.

            Members, the main asset, the main worry

            Of course American support for us could significantly change every thing, and this was why Masoud was so keen to have it. To achieve it, not only he sent Maryam to the west, but with her, many more Mojahedin’s members. By then not only he had not been able to achieve his goal, but also the organisation was perhaps for the first time, seriously facing internal problem.

            Though for years we were witness of alteration in different area within the organisation, including ‘solid principals’ of Mojahedin’s foundation, but within pervious two years we could see more changes in the Mojahedin’s attitudes toward different issues than whole history of the organisation. Well as every new policy or changes in the organisation was going to be called as achievements, the mentioned fact was later put in these words by Abrishamchii, he said: “during previous years we had more achievements than past twenty years.” This changes mostly with moderate or even liberal nature, however sham and superficial, though were aimed to deceive people outside of the organisation, they had serious affects on the members of the organisation, especially those sent to Europe and America for implementing them.

            The organisation was not able to categorise words of Maryam, for outside and inside of the organisation, hence when she was talking about any subject, it had more effect on us rather than those who were not supporters of Mojahedin even if they could or wanted to hear them. For example, in her interview with weekly Iran-Zamin’s editor, Hezarkhani, she said: “for us freedom is not merely a legal issue; it is an ideological and cultural issue.” She added: “Our movement could not have survived without a profound commitment to democracy and a willingness to pay the price.” Well for us at that juncture, her words didn’t mean anything if we were not able to show them in our action, which by then could be materialised in our attitude towards newly, established associations and our supporters. Hence for many who were responsible in dealing with supporters it was a very difficult task to follow Maryam’s words of democracy, which supposed to be ‘ideological’ one, in one hand and obey contradictory organisational orders on the other hand. In the same interview she praised Iranian living outside of the country. Again these kinds of words and seeing her humble attitude towards Iranian artists and specialists, as for us she was as she was without any disguise or trick, didn’t mean anything except showing the same genuine respect and interest, even love toward our countrymen and women especially specialists and artists. This was contradictory to old saying and believes that they are ‘ordinary’ people, inferior to us, the ones, which we had to be afraid of becoming like them. As a result rarely we were criticised or criticising each other by ‘insult’ of ‘ordinary’.

            From one hand the organisation was trying very hard to prove not only to others but also even to the organisation’s members, how honest Maryam is with her words, and how genuine are her actions and her promises mostly with democratic and liberal nature. On the other hand they wanted to hold Mojahedin’s members within Iron bars of old believes of the organisation, and were asking members to be steal hardened Mojahed with no tendency and emotions what so ever toward outside world. Perhaps if they were honest enough with us and were saying to us, as members of the organisation, that message of ‘love’ of Maryam for everybody, or her love and admiration for our national values and traditions, democracy and freedom, her respect for our celebrities and our culture all are sham and are part of our political tricks for forwarding our goals, they could save us from confusions and wanderings most of us were facing. Though by then they could risk, losing some of us, who joined Mojahedin and stayed with them against any hardships just for their honesty and trust.

            By then many members especially male ones had established very close and friendly relation with our supporters and even ordinary Iranian. Though this was the way for showing Maryam’s words in real world, and advancement of her objectives, at the same time it was very ‘dangerous’ for members as they were finding ordinary tendencies.

            This was the contradiction which the organisation had no solution for it. In their first move they tried to separate supporters, even full time supporters from members as much as possible, first by separating their bases, and later by asking supporters to arrange for their own accommodation. I.e. leaving our bases. Though some of them did what they were asked to do quietly, but in many cases this new order create a lot of problems, among supporters and later forced the organisation to withdraw it and pretend that it was a local decision every where. After failure of separating us from supporters, they tried to organise weekly self-criticism meetings, to stand against effect of outside world on us.

            In one of those meetings in America, where only brothers were under scrutiny, though some of the male members by encouragement of our masoul start attacking each other, their attacks and criticisms were not as strong as our masoul was hoped to see. When one of our brothers, very old member of the organisation, pervious commander of one of the NLA’s Brigades, asked to stand up and criticise himself, his self-criticism and criticise of others against him was not half as harsh as our masoul wanted they be. By then some of brothers including him, though ideologically and organisationally were under responsibility of our sisters, in their work, they were under my advice and were following my instructions in dealing with the outside world. Hence our masoul at this point faced me and said: “well Masoud, you are highest ranking brother here and responsible for many activities of him, do you have anything to say about him?” I had honesty nothing against him, as matter of fact he was one of the finest in his job, he had been able to establish a very good relation with our supporters in cities he was responsible of. Hence I mentioned this fact and told her that I have nothing to say against him. This was a blow for her and made her very angry, so she said: “well no wonder you have nothing against him as he is following your order, and I presume you are his teacher?!” Well it was very embarrassing for me to be called as his teacher while he was older and more experienced than me and certainly our masoul. Any way after that she said: “yes I think it is wrong to criticise him while first every body had to talk against you and criticise you.” Then she asked everybody if they have anything to say against me. During those days rarely I could be seen in our base, always I had to go to different cities, many times to Paris for attending different meetings, even when I was there, all the time I was in my office, talking with our supporters, Iranian and celebrities, so rarely other members could see me as often as having anything to say against me, the only thing they knew about me was how hard I am working to pursue Maryam’s wishes. As a result except my own self-criticism, she faced silence of almost everybody else. Perhaps this was the worst thing that could happen, which forced her to end the meeting.

            After that meeting she called me to her office and asked me why didn’t I say anything against that poor guy?! I told her: “because, I had nothing against him,” she gave me few facts, I rejected one by one of them and reminded her that all of them had been according to Maryam’s messages and speeches. Then she said: “Hence you have nothing against him but against his masoul, who is not happy with him?” I said: “Perhaps so, as I can see, she is not letting him to do his job as good as he can. She is very young and inexperienced, not even able to communicate with our supporters and understand their problems. She is forcing him to ask things from our supporters which could not be done. Not in that way, any way.” My masoul asked me to write a report about her and other female masouls responsible of other brothers in other cities and states. I never wrote that report, as I knew those poor sisters were not responsible of whatever they were doing too. Their only problem was that they were following the orders without any reservation, adjustments or alteration.

            Later when I left the organisation I learned how some of those sisters were under pressure too, I learned during those days few of them in America and even one of them responsible for one of the European countries left the organisation, though no body was let to learn about them.

            Perhaps realising the existing contradictions between Maryam’s words for political objectives and their affects on members of the organisation was the main reason for Masoud’s decisions came one after another one in following months. Once I was called by my masoul, she handed me a small package and told me this is a present from Masoud for you. This was his second present except portrays of Maryam given to us every New Year. His first present for me was one of his under-shirts, which at the time was very valuable for me. When I opened his new present, I found inside of it a small ‘Mohr’ a piece of holly clay for pray, with that there was a small note from Masoud, saying: “never forget your morning pray!” After few days, in day of ‘Ashorra’ when I entered into our base in Los Angles, by then called: ‘office of the representative of the president’ supposed to be open to all Iranian without any sign from Mojahedin, I found myself among different type of black flags and black writings on the walls. Obviously everything was prepared for respect of Ashorra in the same manner that was custom in Iran among Shia’a traditionalists. Later we had full ceremony of the event in the ‘office’, including beating ourselves, putting pages of Quran on our head and turning off the lights, staying in that position for hours . . . Before start of the ceremony, by seeing those flags, I went straight to our masoul’s office and asked her about those writings and flags, I reminded her that our base is not Mojahedin’s base any more, while even during previous years we never had those kind of decoration during Ashorra. She told me the order was from Masoud himself for respecting the Ashorra in full force. Though since previous year we were surprised seeing those ceremonies in Iraq in our military bases, that was the first time we had to follow them in Europe and America.

            Long before, self beating either by hand or chain, sometimes with swords in Ashorra for reminding ourselves to what was happened to Imam Hussein fourteen hundred years ago, was condemned by many Moslem and even Shia’a intellectuals including Shari’ati, as an export of middle age European Christians to Iran, completely contradictory with Islamic beliefs. As according to Islamic belief, martyrdom of a person is a happy event not a sorrow and sad one. Even among Mojahedin we were considering those kinds of ceremonies as fanatic and an instrument for deceiving ordinary people. Hence many of us, members and supporters were fully surprised by seeing them to be enforced among us. But I guess by enforcing ‘Islamic’ ceremonies in most fanatic form and insisting in observation of them by us, Masoud wanted to break our tendencies toward ‘Liberalism’ and ‘Moderation’. Neutralise or white wash the affects of raise of ‘nationalism’ among members and supporters. Following these policies there were few other changes too, including putting the record of ‘AZAN’ with loudest voice in morning and noon time in all bases for members to prepare themselves for the ‘pray’. Later they asked Marzieh to sing new AZAN. Perhaps by doing that they wanted to show to every body including us that there is no contradiction between new policies of Mojahedin and full observation of ‘Islamic traditions’.

            On November 1994 Iranian revolutionary guards attacked one of our military bases in Iraq with three Squad B missiles, it was after another attack of the guards by mortar shell in pervious month against Ashraf base in Iraq. Rajavi interpreted both incidents as consequences of the American report against Mojahedin. By then, we failed to gain American support, but also in France we were not able to gain any kind of recognition; French government cancelled even Marzieh’s concert in Paris, because of its political nature. Masoud who could see no more use for stay of many Mojahedin outside of Mojahedin’s bases in Iraq, and could feel strongly that many of them might follow some who already had left the organisation, with excuse of those attacks and prediction of near future final war between the regime and Mojahedin, asked all members and supporters who could fight, except those who were chosen to stay in the west return to Iraq as soon as possible.

            Following Masoud’s message printed in the last issue of weekly Mojahed, many members mainly male ones left our bases in European and American countries for Iraq. As before many of our bases in different cities and smaller countries were closed, many masouls replaced with lower ranking ones in different countries, many activities including publication of weekly Mojahed were stopped.

            Few weeks later I was called back to Paris for receiving new direction for my activities in America. While I was there I found out that many of our recent ‘liberal’ policies towards other Iranian has changed immensely. Maryam’s attitude towards the radio I was supposed to establish in America was changed completely. I was told that the radio cannot have neutral policy toward different people oppose to Iranian regime and has to be introduced as an organ, supportive of NCR. I told them that in this case we cannot have the radio as many who are going to work with us, are not prepared to do so and those who had given financial support to us will stop supporting us, as they wanted to support an independent radio.

            During these arguments as before I had to face four guys who were recognised as advisors of Maryam in different issues, Jabarzadeh, in our policies towards other Iranian groups. Mohadessin, in our diplomatic and foreign policies. Towhidi, in our publications and propaganda matters. And eventually Abrishamchii (nick named Sharif) in almost any subject. By then I had strong feeling against them, as matter of fact, my feeling was that those four guys, which I wished to call them ‘Gang of four’, are responsible for all our failure in different policies, our damage full propaganda, our diplomacy which was completely sham, our policy towards Iranian, celebrities, and other Iranian organisations.

            In those meetings I was accused that I want to create a radio, only beneficial to Monarchist and ‘political leech’ (the organisation’s name for other Iranian political organisations and personalities). On the contrary in my view by letting every body to talk in that radio, no body could do anything against us, as always we could answer them back, hence neutralising their poisonous propaganda against ourselves, while at the same time showing the democracy we were hopping to establish in the future of our country. Their argument as usual was that we cannot leave ‘Sheep alone with wolves’. I never could understand this logic as neither I could see our people as sheep, nor all those who were not agree with us politically as wolves. After all who was going to leave people alone, we were there and could say our point of views in any subject as well as those who were against us. My strong feeling as before was that those guys, still are living in the past, in the Shah’s era, and are horrified of the Monarchist, while in my view not only Monarchist were not able to do anything against us, but certainly with right policies, we even were able to attract many of them who were in favour of any kind of democracy and nationalism.

            In my last meeting with Maryam about that subject, she said: “OK apparently we cannot have the radio, so return the money to those who gave it to you and apologise, tell them, we cannot have the radio as we are preparing ourselves for final battle with the regime.” I smiled and told her: “I am afraid there is no money to return, as my masoul has given all of it for our debt to those who lent us money for our previous demonstration.” She showed her astonishment and asked me: “why did she do that? Now how are we going to return that money? We are going to lose our prestige and respect!” I told her: “Any way if she was not returning those money which we did owe to people we could lose our respect and prestige all the same!” She laughed and said you are right and asked me if I have any suggestion for sorting out our financial problem in America. I told her: “I see no alternative except establishing few companies with help of our supporters and doing business. This is the only way we can have a secured income each month.” She asked me to write my plan for establishing few commercial companies, which I did and as in none of them we did need any money or personal, they all immediately were accepted, and I was told to return and put all my efforts for their establishments.

            To lend us any money rarely any of our supporters were accepting the organisation’s promises, so were asking for my personal assurances. As a result I could personally feel responsible for all our debts for our pervious demonstration and money which was paid to us for establishing the radio, hence after my return to America, most of the times I was travelling to different cities for gaining new financial help to pay back our debts. By then I had lost all my hopes for the organisation, my mind was made that as long as those ‘gang of four’ are advisors of Maryam, there is no hope for the establishments of proper relation between us and ordinary Iranian. In my view with proper relation with our people we were able to solve all different problems we had. Not only we could solve our financial problems, and could establish new relation with our people inside Iran, but even I believed with their help we could solve our difference with American.

            I believed the main opposition of the state department against us despite to what usually was claimed by the organisation had nothing to do with our past history. What Mojahedin did during Shah’s era against American or Mojahedin’s policy toward ‘hostages in Iran’, but was mainly due to present policies and activities of the organisation. Our claim that those who are making American policies toward us are those who made similar policy against Mossadeq or were favouring Shah in his era was very unrealistic as well. I believed the main concern of American was that we don’t have support of not only majority of Iranian but not even fraction of them. Moving few thousand supporters from one city or country to another city or country for having impressing demonstration or gathering, though could fool our own supporters or even some politician sympathetic to us, but certainly could not impress governments who had all the facts, sometimes knowing those participating in our gatherings by name and address. Hence having new faces among our supporters and having genuine gatherings with real number of participants in different cities and countries could imply that our new policies are genuine and are working. Then, though still they might not be able to condone our guerrilla activities, while they were vehemently condemning terrorist activities everywhere, at least they could ignore them. They could even ignore our policies towards other political activists and consider us as a democratic force. Any way in my view none of these could occur while we were insisting in having our old fashion policies mainly from Shah’s era. Hence by then while still I was responsible to work with Iranian celebrities and had some contact with the Iranian media, my main concern was to keep my own personal obligations and find enough money to pay back the debts, which we had.

            My first real ‘No’

            Once while I was preparing myself to pay back the last debt I had taken for the organisation, I was ordered by my masoul to stop paying that. Unfortunately as before, when the organisation was planning to do something new, it was ignoring easily its previous commitments. I guess by then they were refurbishing Maryam’s home in Paris, to make it more appropriate for future president of Iran. Some times before that I was told by my masoul that they had little fire accident in that house and have to refurbish the building, they asked me to contact our supporters, and without mentioning the whole fact, ask them for help. By then I was very upset of the accident and tried to call whoever I could, even I became angry with few of them who were very close to me and didn’t help us as much as we expected. But gradually I felt that was another financial trick, this time against us, to use our feelings for Maryam for forcing us to do everything for gaining some financial support. Any way, their order for all branches in different countries was to stop spending or paying any debt till further notice. I knew perfectly well if I don’t pay that debt by then, I am not going to be able to pay it in near future, hence for the first time in my organisational life, I stood against my masoul and while I was on the edge of crying from desperation and anger, told her that I am not going to accept that order unless I get the straight order from Maryam herself, as I was ordered by her to pay back all the debts. Obviously she was very surprised and asked me to go to my office and wait for her instruction. I told her that I have made appointment with the guy who we owe him the money and if by then I don’t receive any instruction, I am going to pay him.

            Till due time I called my masoul several times, asking if she has had any response from Paris? During those hours, I could see that I am losing all remainder of my faith in the organisation. I was alone in the office, I did some dusting, sweep all three rooms which we had in our office, watered few flowerpots I had. Though I answered few phone calls, generally I was not able to do anything. I was angry, sad, desperate, worried, even I could hear my own heart beatings, for the first time to save myself from that situation, I switched on the television, from my good or bad luck, there was a movie, ‘Hercules and Amazons women’, story of Amazon women who were exploiting men in neighbouring village and every now and then killing many of them. Perhaps it was funny and sad at the same time, but by then I could feel myself as one of those poor men who had to face illogical behaviour of those women. By the end of that film, it was due time and as I didn’t receive any instruction from Paris, I had to make my mind. Eventually I made my mind and paid the money. Then I called my masoul and informed her about my action. Obviously she was very angry, but more than angry she was surprised as never was expecting me to behave like that. She preferred not to say anything and wait for instruction from Paris. Even next day when she wanted to show her anger she made another excuse for criticising me, she showed me a tape left in my car, with songs of few Iranian singers, and asked me if I am enjoying those songs and why do I have that tape, I told her: “I am sure you are aware that part of my responsibility here is dealing with Iranian singers and knowing their work is part of my job.” With her silence she showed her regret for taking that tape from my car and her accusation, but after few seconds, asked me why didn’t I inform her about missing of that tape, then she start criticising me that somebody else might had taken that tape and were playing it in our base.

            Start of an end

            While later I received very light criticise for not obeying my masoul’s order in that incident, but obviously nobody was prepared to criticise me as strongly as they should. After all they could not criticise me for acting according to the straight order of my ideological leader (Maryam). Though that incident past and soon was forgotten by every body, but obviously it was a turning point in my relation with the organisation, some how that day I was changed and gradually I start to take distance from the organisation.

            During those days I didn’t have much to do, my main job was to have contact with celebrities who were working with us, pay their monthly salary, answer their questions, inform them about political events, and every now and then have a friendly lunch or dinner with them. Apart from that I was having regular contact with other celebrities and people in media, though by then, personally I could see no use in what I was doing, as I could see no changes in attitude of the organisation.

            Day by day, more and more, I was losing my faith and trust in organisation. With losing the trust, which was my main tie with Mojahedin, all my hopes, desires, for the future, freedom and prosperity of Iran were vanishing. Many days, for hours I was sitting alone in my office, silenced, without doing anything, not even being able to think properly, sometimes watching the corner of the room for long time. Usually my masoul didn’t need to tell me what to do, as always my past masouls were confident that if they leave me alone, I am not going to stop working, even if there was nothing to do, I could find something useful to do. Hence as before, she was not asking me what am I doing or where am I going, she was confident that whatever I am doing is going to be fruitful soon. Sometimes I used to receive different orders from Paris for doing different things. Now I was ignoring most of them, as I knew soon they would change it or forget about it. Gradually I could feel as a stranger among people working with. Though I was sharing news, information, even new jokes and laughs with them, but obviously, I could see that my heart is not with them any more. By then any new problem I was facing, could be magnified few times more in my mind, I could see, that unlike past, I am not able to take things easy and make them simple and easy to solve. Once one of the celebrities who was helping us in our television productions came to me with many problems, his problems were from last demonstration we had till then. He was complaining that experience doesn’t have any meaning and value, in our organisation. Apparently the sister, responsible of our propaganda, had told him how to take film in the demonstration, while he was winner of many international trophies in that area. While he was feeling desperate to help us, no body was taking his advises seriously. He was complaining about waste of money in our system, and was telling me that: “I know how difficult it is for you to earn any money, but I am puzzled why you spend it so easily, without any programming, as a result you are wasting most of whatever you earn.”

            The only visitors I had in my office were those who were working with us and were not satisfied or paid accordingly or our supporters who had problem with the organisation and wanted to complain to somebody. Whatever they were telling me, were not new for me, for each complain they had, I knew many more in the same line. If in the past I was able to find some excuse for those wrong doings, most of the times taking the blame on myself as the representative of the NCR in America, by then I was not able to find an answer for their complain any more, even I was not able to promise them that those problems are going to be solved in the future. In the past they were considering me in charge of everything as I had the title of the representative of the NCR, they liked me and used to trust me, they were confident that things they are telling me are going to be solved. But by then, they could feel and see that I am separating myself from the different works and could see that I am not in charge. Hence many times by complaining to me they were not seeking any solution, they wanted to empty themselves and find somebody who was prepared to listen to them.

            By then my only interest was to do my little remaining job without any difficulty and as smoothly as possible. I was accepting all wrong doings of the organisation as facts of life, which could not be changed; hence I was trying to find my own solutions to limit the effect of their mistakes and wrong doings on whatever I was doing. For example I knew that for paying the salary of different people who were working for us, the organisation always is late, and usually there are many postponing for different reason. Usually any small decision on the top could affect everything, first of all financial matters.

            Some how I managed to become one month ahead of paying date of Bills, which I was responsible for. As a result whenever the organisation had a delay in paying its commitments, which simply was always, sometimes up to one month late, while I was calling my masoul several times for payment, but their delay had no effect at all on people whom I had to pay to, as already they had been paid by me. I can say by then I was not thinking any more how to solve problems we were going to face, but with knowing the organisation, I was predicting their wrong doings in the future and was trying to find a solution for them to reduce their affects on my own job. Once again, I was told to establish new relation with younger celebrities who could help us to have some connection with younger generation, they told me to give them any promise they ask for. By then I had enough experience, not to become fool enough to do what they were asking me to do, Hence while I established a good relation with many younger Iranian celebrities, I avoid to give them any promises. In matter of weeks I received a direction to stop having contact with them, as the organisation because of moral code cannot work with the younger generation of artists and celebrities. For me it was funny, but fully predictable, that while we were talking a lot about freedom of women and importance of celebrities and artists, criticising the regime for restricting them to its own ideology, The organisation itself was not able to tolerate the way they used to dress or sing or dance. I was so happy for not giving single of those promises to any of them, in this way I saved a lot of headache for myself and many problems and disturbances for those people, though at the same time helped the organisation as well.

            Facing an illusion

            During those days, while I could feel useless and could see that all the time I am wasting my time without doing anything useful still compare to many people in the organisation, I had many sensitive responsibilities, and was considered as one of the busiest and successful ones. After all while others were struggling as before to fill the holes made by themselves according usual orders, by ignoring orders I knew soon are going to be reversed, I was saving a lot of time, energy and money, just for not doing anything in many occasions.

            Always I was very hesitant to think about my own family, each time I was thinking about them and their suffering, immediately by comparing their situation with the situation of millions of people living in worst conditions, were feeling ashamed of myself. I knew loving them, while all our love had to be given to our leaders were forbidden, but I never stopped loving them and by then more often I was thinking that, was I right to leave them and deprive them from having a normal and happy life? In the past I could justify my decision by arguing that I am responsible for putting an end to the suffering of the people. As an Iranian I am responsible for helping my people for having freedom and prosper life. And as a father more than anything else I had to give my children a free homeland, where they could live freely and happily. But was I able to argue as before? While, daily I could feel that I am wasting my time, and could see no improvement and forwarding in whatever we were doing. Hence I felt I had to do something to save the organisation and myself from that misery. During those days still I was thinking that the root of problems is in the people who are advising Maryam, namely those ‘gang of four’. I knew while I am a member of the organisation, restricted by its rules, I am not able to stand against them and say whatever I feel and think is right, hence I decided to leave the organisation for a month and think far from the relations which were stopping me to think freely, and write a long and documented report for Maryam and wait for her response. If either she reacts favourably to my report or proves to me that I am wrong, I return to the organisation and accept the consequences. But if I receive no response at all, I take that as something that is wrong with the leadership itself and I leave the organisation for good.

            A year before that, by luck I found my closest, old friend from high school, Farzad, who was living alone in north California. Any time I was there, I was seeing him. For the first time it was difficult for him and his family to accept me as a new person, different from what I was in the past, but by then, I had been accepted by them as I was, and perhaps because of me he had found some interest in following Mojahedin’s activities as well. I felt perhaps I could go and stay with him while I am thinking and writing my report. For sometimes one of the physician, supporter of us was complaining about my health situation to the organisation and they were asking me to have few medical checkups, but as they were very expensive in America, I was postponing it to the future, when I return to Europe or Iraq. By then I found it a very good excuse to say that I am going to see my brother who was a physician in North California, to have a checkups in his hospital. Well it was very welcomed by the organisation as it was free, and at the same time they asked me to talk with my brother perhaps he can help the organisation as well.

            I took everything dear to me and could remind me about good old days in the organisation, and moved toward Farzad’s house. But soon after leaving the office, driving toward north of California, I found how much emotionally I am attached to the organisation, especially Maryam herself, as my true leader. From one hand I could see that I am not able to carry on as before, but on the other hand, lying to the organisation which I loved so much and gave up everything to see its success in bringing justice to our homeland, was not easy at all. I didn’t say anything to Farzad about my intention. He didn’t guess anything as well, as he asked me about my work, especially about Marzieh who we both loved her voice when we were younger. I showed him few new videotapes of Marzieh I had with myself. For next day or two I was with him, gradually I felt, still I am to attached to the organisation to be able to leave it. I saw, I have no alternative, even if I see anything wrong, and want to change it; I have to do it from within. I had to find enough courage to stand against those people whom I was thinking are barrier in front of progress of the organisation and talk with Maryam or even Masoud himself, and find my answer from them. I didn’t stay with Farzad any more. In my return to Los Angles, I became very happy when I found out that I have to go to Paris next day. In my way to Paris, in Frankfurt airport, I met few members of the organisation and NCR who were going to Baghdad to see Masoud, apparently he wanted to see them to give them new advises. I found it a very good opportunity for myself to go with them and see Masoud himself, to tell him, things I had in my heart. I called Paris begging them to let me to go with other members to Baghdad. After few hours delay, I received negative answer, I was told that they want to see me urgently for our work, and asked me to go to Paris as soon as possible.

            In Paris for almost a week, we had usual meetings, discussion about celebrities who were working with us and plan for their future concerts in different countries. Few times I asked to see Maryam, each time I found out she is too busy by her political meetings. After a week those who were gone to Iraq were returned and I was asked to see Reza’i, who was among those who went to Iraq, to receive the latest information and advises of Masoud.

            The most important thing he told me was the analysis of the situation and our relation with people. He told me according to Masoud’s interpretation, “Whatever we do, we are not able to attract any more people toward ourselves, not in Iran and certainly not in America and Europe.” “People are not prepared to go for another revolution at least for next fifty years, hence the only tool we have against the regime, is NLA, and final battle is between NLA and the Iranian revolutionary Guards, the battle which decides about the future of Iran and perhaps the whole Middle East.” Apparently Masoud in response to demand of those who were supportive of continuation of our activities abroad for gaining more support among Iranian, had told them: “Forget about gaining support of tens of thousands of Iranian abroad, if you prove to me that you are able to gain support of only few thousand more Iranian abroad, I am prepared to send half of NLA personal for helping you and half of the budget of NLA for supporting you financially.”

            With these words suddenly everything became crystal clear for me. Immediately I concluded many things by then a mystery for me and for long I was interpreting them differently, sometimes completely opposite to what was the reality. First and most of all, I found out that for long I was pursuing wrong objective which had nothing to do with the objectives of our leader. It seemed gaining new support among Iranian never had been one of the objectives of Masoud. Perhaps this was the main reason why he was not worried about losing public support after ‘ideological revolution in 1985’ or moving to Iraq; or many other decisions he made, considered by many as unpopular among Iranian. Including policies of our propaganda section, which was not made for gaining new support among ordinary Iranian, but for showing our strength to everybody in different field, perhaps mostly to our own supporters for keeping them as supporter and next to them to our foes for stopping them for making any kind of alliance against us.

            I felt how wrong I was by putting blames on those poor four advisors of Maryam, while in reality they only were her advisors as they could understand Masoud better and could stop her to act or do anything against wishes of Masoud. I found out for Masoud only NLA itself was real and the rest, different instruments for getting closer to his objectives. He needed our supporters abroad for earning money and gaining superficial support of western politician. He knew very well, we never can gain real American and European support as long as we could not change ourselves and become more open and democratic. But their real support never had been his objective as long as he could pretend that he has their support, as it was good enough for having Iraqis support which was essential for existence of NLA.

            Suddenly I felt I had lost all my arguments, I had Notting to prove as there was no problem left to be solved. I was told that Maryam is going to see me the night before the day, which I had to leave Paris for America. I didn’t sleep that night, waiting for Maryam to call me, by the morning I found out that she had been so busy, which couldn’t see me and by then I had no time and had to leave. I was not regretting for not seeing her, as I had nothing more to tell her. Perhaps the only thing I wanted to say was a self criticise for my past few months and the decisions I had made. In my long journey back to America, I had plenty things to think of. Still Maryam and Masoud were my leaders and the ‘reality’ was the things, which they used to tell me, everything else was sham and unreal, or even unjust. Once more to become more Mojahed or Masoud like, I had to kill another part of my own individuality, my way of understanding and thinking.

            In the plane I fall sleep immediately, as I didn’t have asleep for almost two days, or perhaps because of tens of hours of thinking. When I woke up, a very kind, black old woman sitting next to me, with kindness gave me few things to eat and drink and told me: “I kept every thing which was in offer for you as I knew when you wake up, you should be very hungry, I felt it is not only sleep you needed.” Suddenly I felt I want to hug that old lady and cry very hard, it was for very long time I had not received any ordinary kindness from an ordinary person, for us everything was black and white, white were inside of the organisation and blacks outside. Yes that old lady was black but I felt her heart was whiter than heart of many of us in the organisation. I was moved greatly by her kindness and later had to write a long report criticising myself for showing that much weakness facing an ordinary kindness. A clear sign of changing from a Mojahed into an ordinary man with need and desires of an ordinary human being.

            ‘Article F’

            My stay in America didn’t last long as I was changed completely, I was not able to think properly, act correctly, or smile realistically, the only thing I could do right was being silence and cry whenever I could. I didn’t know any more what is right or wrong, what is real or sham. My mistake was that I was thinking that this was only me who was in that state of mind, while later I learned many, perhaps almost everybody except few sisters on the top and of course except the leadership of the organisation were more or less in the same state of mind and were as confused and desperate as me. To take back everybody in ‘right’ track organisation needed another ideological revolution, a revolution much deeper, harsher, harder, longer, with more misery than any other one in the past. It had already been started in Paris among our members and by new Iranian year, on March 1995 I was asked to go to Paris to attend the Ideological revolution meetings.

            In Paris, I was asked to go to one of the bases designated for those who were going through the ideological revolution. It was an old French house, newly, partly refurbished, hence it didn’t have many basic facilities, still there were almost at each time twenty to thirty people living there. Immediately after entering to that house, seeing those who were there, I realised what, during next few days or weeks should I expect for. Where I was wrong, was that it was going to be much longer than what I imagined. For all it took months to pass through this stage of the revolution, and for many years, and for some, I presume, never. In that house, as it was expected, there was no laughing and if there was any, it was as artificial and superficial as it could be recognised immediately. Rarely there was any talking between people, and nobody dared to share his misery and hardship with others. There were few rooms, in each one of them, a videotape sermons of Maryam in different Ideological Meetings were shown. They were classified and one had to start from the first one and then go to next rooms for seeing the other ones. A part from these rooms there was another larger room for people who wanted to write their Ideological report, and a room for brothers to rest in nighttime. Obviously sisters had their rest in another house close to that house. There were two brothers always hanging around the rest room, very sad, silenced, most of the time sleepy. Soon I found out those poor guys have finished seeing those videotapes, but are not prepared to go through the revolution. In another word both were ‘Borida’ and were waiting for the organisation to decide about their destiny.

            Self-Divorce - ‘Fardiat’

            The title of this stage of ‘ideological revolution’ was fight, war or struggle against ‘Fardiat’. Fardiat is an Iranian term, which I think only within eastern philosophy, has its full meaning. It has all the meaning from ‘Individualism’ and ‘Egoism’, till the most natural instinct and esteems, like self-confidence, self-sufficiency, self-esteem, self-support and self-love. One, who has ‘Fardiat’, can be very aggressive, arrogant, bully, proud type of person, or completely opposite, very modest, friendly and peaceful, humane and even shy and silence type of person. What decides whose ‘Fardiat’ is stronger or weaker, all depends to the amount of his or her ‘self-esteem’, ‘self-sufficiency’, ‘self-confidence’, ‘self-assertive’, ‘self-centred’, . . .

            According to Mojahedin’s ideology, one has to get rid of all these adjectives and replace all of them with the love for ‘God’ through the leadership. He or she has to receive all his or her confidence, esteem, and sufficiency, from the leader. They have to be dependent on him and only him. Love him and only him. One should not be, neither aggressive nor peaceful, neither arrogant and bully, nor friendly and shy, neither proud of himself, nor modest. Instead of all this a Mojahed has to be in love of leadership, namely Masoud and Maryam, be proud of them, defend them like a bull, fight for their right with all their might, be kind, modest, friendly, even shy toward leadership’s friends and those who love them, and opposite to that be proud, aggressive, arrogant against those who are their foes. In simple word a Mojahed has to divorce not only all different things which an ordinary individual might love or like in a normal life, including family, friends, even life itself, but he or she has to divorce himself or herself, not to have any love for his or her beings. Hence a Mojahed after divorcing everybody and everything, had to go through the stage of ‘Self Divorce’ (TALLAGH KHOOD).

            According to Maryam’s sermon, the sole objective of all different stages of the ideological revolution was to enable us to go through this stage. While the objectives of articles ‘A’, ‘B’, and ‘J’ of the ‘ideological revolution’, was enable us to divorce the ‘Jensieat’, (Sexuality,) and to prepare the ground for the Ideological acceptance of articles ‘D’, (ideological superiority of women over men), ‘Sh’, (ideological acceptance of the leadership council consisted of only women), and ‘R’, (ideological acceptance of Maryam as the sole future president of Iran). These latter articles were supposed to prepare the ground for article ‘F’ stands for ‘Fardiat’. She said, while we did accept, ‘D’, ‘Sh’, and ‘R’, as organisational orders, but we didn’t go through them ideologically. She said none of us did stand by our commitment toward article ‘A’, which according to that we had to be united with her in every seconds of our life. (I.e. to confess, and self criticise weekly, even daily and hourly to her for our mistakes, wrong doings, non-ideological thinking, emotions, wishes and hopes, our personal and sexual desires and wants). Hence the end result of first three articles was only ‘J’. We conquered our sexuality and overcame our sexual desires; but without moving toward next stage of ideological revolution, fighting against our ‘Fardiat’, our ideological progress and evolution is going to stop and eventually will reverse. We will start moving backward, changing into an ‘Ordinary’ man or woman, then a ‘Borida’, and eventually we are going to move from right to wrong, moving from Masoud toward Khomieni regime and changing into an enem