With the victory of the revolution, there were less political activities around us, less demonstration or none at all, less political meetings and less political discussions in student union building. Every body had to go back toward normality and study hard to fill the gap created during the revolution time.

            To help the Iranian students in different level to overcome this backwardness, we arranged different tutorial classes for different level. Although my supervisors in both department were very understanding and kind about my situation, but still I had to study harder as well, to have some thing ready as my achievements by the end of my first year study in PhD course.

            Sarvy was growing very fast, she was talking and her words for us were sweeter than honey, sometimes in Farsi and sometimes in English and most of the times mixed and confused between two languages. One night while we were laying in bed and she was playing close to us, we could see the signs of fear on her face, first we didn’t realize what is her fear from, then we realized that she has noticed our shadows on the wall and as a new phenomena has become the source of her fear. When we realised it, Anna and I both start laughing at her. At this time her fear mixed with anger from our ignorance toward those horrible creatures, so she start shouting and crying at the same time, I took her in my arm and showed her more and more shadows till she realised who are those creatures and eventually fear changed into joy and fun, she found new toys to play with.

            I could feel that I have every thing, which one might wish for. I was married to the most understanding, kind and beautiful woman. I had nicest child that one could wish for. I was in my final years of my study, the thing that could secure our life for future. Nice home, car . . . Although I had to work every day till late in the university, but every night returning home, meant returning to love and warmth, which did exist in our little house.

            Although since adult hood Anna and I were Moslem in name, now we were trying more and more to respect and act according to the Islamic values and teachings. Once there was a reception organised by the substitute head of the university, over there we felt proud of announcing that we don’t drink alcohol because of our religious believe. In the same meeting we met a couple from Libya who were postgraduate student in the university, we were very happy to meet them as we felt they can be very good friend for us. We used to think any body in modern world including colonel Gadaffi in Libya, who is talking about restoration of Islam as an Ideology and guides, is thinking and talking like Shari’ati and Bazargan. So we were proud to meet this new people from land of true Islam, we felt we can learn a lot from them. But contrary to our expectation, they told us that they are political refuges and are against Gadaffi regime. After few seconds taking we judged them as some people like our own pro Shah Iranian who soon or late have to become refuges in this country. After few minutes talking we both preferred to find an excuse and depart from each other. For the first time we could see anger, hate and barrier created by Ideological believe. Up to then only we had tasted the sweetness of believing in something in our mind and heart. Love, Unity, brotherhood. The kind of feelings which rarely could be find and seen in ordinary life of twenty century especially in western world.

First crack among the ‘revolutionaries’

Less than two weeks after the victory of the revolution we heard about the first disagreement between Mojahedin and provisional government of Bazargan. We heard Rajavi one of the leaders of Mojahedin has attacked Bazargan and has questioned him about two of his people, namely colonel Tavakoli and speaker of the provisional government Amir-Entezam. Personally up to then I never heard about Rajavi and didn’t know anything about him. Although as many Iranians, at least intellectual ones I used to love and respect all Mojahedin, because of their courage and self-sacrifice. But we were looking at people like Bazargan not only as prime minister but also as a teacher. I like many others around me didn’t know much about teachings of Mojahedin and we used to think that they are inheritor of teachings of Shari’ati and Bazargan. As a result without any doubt we were introducing ourselves as supporters of Mojahedin. Because of this when committee of supporters of Mojahedin was established. Proudly I introduced my self as one of their members in our city. But now there was the first sign of difference of Idea and the first crack in the unity of revolutionary forces. I could feel Mojahedin are talking like other ultra-left groups. Parallel to what was happening in Iran, we were able to see signs of split among Iranian students around us. Among all those who, by the start of the revolution became united and brother like against tyranny of the Shah. Supporters of different Marxist Groups and even some supporters of Mojahedin were very hot blooded and were attacking all leaders of the revolution including Bazargan, Sanjabie. Only Talaghani and Khomieni himself were safe from those sharp attacks and accusation of working or collaborating with the Imperialism and America. Less than a month after the revolution, we heard about attack of some people called themselves as Heazbollahy- (followers of party of God) to the centres of Mojahedin in few Iranian cities, Kushan, Yazd, and Torbat-hedariea. We heard Mojahedin present in those centres had been beaten and thrown out of their bases. Strangely these people, like Mojahedin were accusing Bazargan for collaborating with the Imperialism. It seemed they are as left as other revolutionary groups, while they were called by them as ultra right and reactionary (MORTAGA’IN). Few days later there was news about start of fighting in Kurdistan and Torkaman-Sahra, between Pasdaran (revolutionary Guards) and supporters of different revolutionary groups.

            Soon, all of us had to take side. Supporters of different groups rarely were ready to talk to each other and were even hesitant to say hello when by chance were facing each other. As Bazargan later said “Unity of revolutionary forces gone with departure of common enemy, namely Shah.” I was under attack not only because of defending provisional government and Bazargan, but even as a supporter of Mojahedin. Supporters of other organisations were claiming that: “Mojahedin are silent about all different issues unless they feel their own interest is in danger. Bases of other organisations are under daily attack and they don’t say anything, people are killed in different part of the country and again they are silent. Only about issue of America and Imperialism which they feel are good propaganda issues they are very sharp and quick to criticise the government.”

            So new Iranian year didn’t bring as much joy as we expected. First of April was announced as a day for referendum to choose between Islamic republic and constitutional Monarchy. For me and many around us this was not right choice, as the answer of all of us to later one was ‘NO’ but it didn’t imply that our answer necessarily is yes to former choice. All other revolutionary groups including some national organisations like National Democratic Front boycott the referendum. Mojahedin stance about that issue was complete reflection of my mind and wish in word. They showed their opposition toward the form of referendum’s question. They suggest, if it can be changed into only one question about abolishment of the Monarchy in Iran and select of the name for new republic be postponed to later when the National Assembly decides about constitution of the country. At the same time they announced, as they are Moslem their answer naturally to the first choice is yes, but at the same time as Islam has defined and had seen in different shape, they defined their kind of Islam too and mentioned that when we say yes to Islamic republic we mean an Islam which is going to bring freedom and justice for every body including non believers to Islam or God.

            On the day of referendum most of us except few travelled to Manchester, where we were able to vote in Iranian consult. It was my first time which I was going to Iranian embassy or consult after collapse of the Shah’s regime. I felt our embassy has changed totally. Some how I could feel that place is a second home. Every body calling others as brother or sister, which for me meant a lot. I asked somebody where can I pray and he showed me a large room. While I was praying there I was full of joy, I could feel that these new republic of us is going to be land of love, freedom and brotherhood. I could see representative of the new government as simple as us praying in the same line as us, giving us a sense of ownership of our country.

            The answer of the referendum was clear, answer of 99% of voters was yes to Islamic Republic, It was the first and perhaps the last free and almost fair election in our modern history. And it was my first and last time of voting. After the referendum the difference of Idea between different groups increased sharply and became widespread. We heard about attack of Heazbollahies against any women without ‘Heajab’ (veil or scarf), their slogan was ‘YA ROSARY, YA TOSARY’ (either scarf or a bash on the head). Some Mullahs now were talking about return of the law of Sharie’a, which were rarely in practice in Iran during all its Islamic history. ‘Stoning’, slashing and cutting hands and feet, we used to consider these practices as a barbaric and denounce it as pre-Islamic laws of Arabs, which were not related to Islam. We believed although Islam was not able at the time to abolish them, but made the condition of their practice as difficult as none of them could be practised under the name of Islam. For example for proof of adultery two person had to swear that they have seen the act in detail themselves, as this is almost impossible, so is the proof of adultery and punishment of any body under this charge. But what ever we used to say and argue against the questions of others, the real fact was that their practice was already started and our laws and judiciary system was going backward very fast. The main slogan of the Reactionaries or Heazbollahies was ‘HESB FAGHAD HESB’OL LLAH, RAHBAR FAGHAD ROHOL LLAH’ (party only party of God, leader only Khomieni), with this slogan they meant, there will be no freedom for any body else except those who belong to this group or those who ally with them. According to their idea either you were with them or against them. Their monopolistic actions were growing and becoming more and more widespread very fast. Soon it included those around the most progressive Ayatollah, the one who was respected and loved by the majority of the people from left to right. They kidnapped sons of Ayatollah Talaghani and in response; he closed all his offices and preferred not to be in public for some times. Every body who heard about this news become very sad and angry. Mojahedin by revealing what has happened and denouncing the animosity of ‘reactionaries’ toward Ayatollah Talaghani which by now used to be called by Mojahedin and many Iranian as ‘PADAR’ (father) gained some support among people. In this way, somehow they could regain some of the support lost after criticising the provisional government. The reactionaries had to retreat, they freed Talaghani’s sons.

            What ever was happening in Iran nobody was criticising Khomieni himself, he had his status. His word in any subject was final word. We loved him and we hopped he livelong enough till final success of our revolution. For some times there was no good news from Iran, spring of the revolution was very short live and one could smell and feel the heat of boiling bloods in Iran. It was very difficult for me to take side, from one hand I could not approve what ever was happening under the name of the revolution and Islam and on the other hand we had experience of Chile and were afraid that Khomieni become the second Allende. As a result I preferred to involve my self less than before in discussions of my fellow countrymen and preferred to go back to Iran and see the events in first hand.

Back to Iran, new country, different people

It was July 79, after exactly 3 years we were seeing our home country, three crucial years, which changed everything for millions of Iranian forever. Although Sarvy still was too young to understand our joy for returning home, we were trying hard to tell her how good it is and let her to share our joy. To respect new Iranian culture Anna had to wear scarf in the Iranian plane, ‘HOMA’. This was a bite strange for Sarvy and perhaps for us to see Anna with scarf.

            When plane landed on Iranian soil, a man in the plane asked everybody to send ‘SALEVAT’, it was, when people traditionally wanted to clap for pilot for his marvels landing. Traditions that we knew and were used to be changing and sending ‘SALEVAT’ (Hailing loudly to prophet Mohammed and his family and descendent), was new substitute for clapping that was considered as western one. Well it was nice substitute and we followed it gladly. As a joke, I told Anna and Sarvy that we are from descendent of prophet, so it means hail to us as well.

            Getting off the plane, nice, hot Iranian wind touched our skin, how marvels and delightful it was, we were crying and I wanted to kneel and kiss the blessed soil of our country, as warmly as one who kiss his lover after long absence. In airport, still few familiar pass control personnel faces could be seen, but majority were certainly Pasdaran, young men with beard and dark green cloths and a rifle on their shoulder. Thanks to our family name and being related to Abol-Hasan Banisadr, one of the most popular and famous faces of new regime, we were not kept waiting for long and could pass from luggage checking and pass control very quickly. Out side of Airport thousands of expected and worried eyes were waiting and searching to find love ones who were passing the airport door. Among them Anna’s relatives and my mother and Ammo Jan. For about half an hour, we were crying and kissing, faded questions from each side, and unanswered one were flying around us. Nice words and kind smiles, endless hugging and kissing. Although it was only three years since when we saw our country last time, it seemed like ages. I felt that story of the Quran ‘ASHAB’E KAHAV’ has been materialised in us. We were slept for years and now we were awake and we could see our country after hundreds of years. Exactly like that story, everything was changed, walls of the city were full of slogans, still some of the barriers built by the people during the revolution for resistance against army’s bolts were in the middle of streets, and cars had to pass through them. Streets names were changed and we found ourselves in strange city that we didn’t know the name of any road or alley. Instead of name of Shah and his family and his titles now almost everywhere was named after martyrs of the revolution, which was very nice. When we heard name of Pahlavi (Shah’s family name) street has changed into Mossadeq, hardly we could hold ourselves from crying loudly. Most of women instead of high fashion cloths of old time had dark veil on, though still few could be seen with scarf or even without any and in old type of cloth. Clean shaved men with ties, now had beard and all fastened button shirt. In ‘Shah Reza’ roundabout, there was no sign of Reza Shah statue. As matter of fact contrary to old time, there was no statue of Shah and his family in any street or roundabout. It was somehow funny to see that people are not afraid of traffic police any more and perhaps opposite to that policemen were somehow afraid of people and were talking with them very politely and with respect. There was an accident, two car bumped at each other, in old time following the accident like that, drivers used to get off, swearing at each other and in many cases fighting till be separated by the people or police. Now strangely in front of our gazed eyes drivers got off, shake hands and kissed each other and exchanged address and telephone numbers. It seemed revolution like a very patient and kind teacher has educated our people and in one year they have paved the way of hundred years. In my motherhouse we watched new Iranian Islamic TV, and could listen to new Iranian Radio. For the first time we were able to hear the name of Mojahedin martyrs from Iranian radio. New Iranian regime and government was proud of them and many universities and hospitals and other public places were named after them. After all martyrs are the main capitals of the Shia’a faith. Everything was changed hugely and was not comparable with the old times. For us, all of those changes were not only interesting but also nice and joyful. Though I felt our family are not as joyful as we were and were missing some of the good old things. Ammo Jan told me, “not everything we had in the past was bad, is pity that good and bad are burning together, we have to keep the good ones!”

            When we visited my father in his house, he apologised for not being present in the airport, he said, “now rarely I am able to go out. Every thing has changed and I don’t know much about new customs and behaviour of people. I cannot drive any more as nobody respects old traffic’s law. Now days any body who does not like any thing from old time says that is ‘TAGHOTI’ (Customs, culture and relations set by the enemies and rebellious to God) and reject it immediately without substituting it with “new good one.” When we were having lunch, traditionally he poured for us a glass of wine. I apologised and told him as we consider ourselves Moslem, we can’t drink, I could see that his smile suddenly changed into sorrow and sadness. He shook his head and said: “so now you are Moslem too and those who drink wine are not!?” Then while we were having our lunch he was arguing that wine is part of the Iranian cultures and can be seen in our past literature, in poems of most of our old and new poets. “All our intellectuals and writers and poet were good Moslems and at the same time they were drinking wine, many in Iran drink wine, but we never have had problem of Alcoholic as can be seen in other countries.” Then he add perhaps from anger: “Anyway Islam has accepted many bad and backward traditions of Arabs as its own and has forced us to accept them as Islamic tradition, why can’t we keep one “bad “one of our own!?.” He laughed and changed the subject. His house was changed too, there was no statue of shah in our hallway and nor his picture on fine silk carpet hanging from the wall. We were told that Mohammed Agha and Khadijeh Khanom who were working for them now have their own house and are living in the same area. So my father and stepmother and my sister Nazi were living alone and had to do every thing in that big house by themselves. After hour or two, my father asked me if I can accompany him to where he wanted to go, he told me let us take the bus, these days that is the safest form of transportation. While we were sitting in the bus, for the first time he asked me in equal term or even perhaps as a person who is asking from an expert, “do you really think these Mullahs are good for our country?.” I told him: “well I think revolution was not for the rule of Mullahs but for the rule of people.” He didn’t let me to continue my idealistic and philosophical wordings. Perhaps he realised that I am talking as a visionary person, he asked me his second question, “what are you going to do? Are you going to stay? Or are you going back to finish your study?” It was strange shape of question, normally this kind of questions had following sentences, implying his view, giving initial clue to how the answer should be like. I told him “I don’t know! I like to stay and work, every thing is changing very fast and I want to be part of these changes. Although I have some doubt about the direction of new government.” He asked me about our relative, Abol-Hasan Banisadr, I had noting good to tell him about this relative of ours as I heard from Mojahedin that he is master mind of calling Mojahedin, as ‘ELTAGHATII’ (People who have mixed two Ideology, in this case Islam and Marxism, with each other) and Stalinist which we didn’t mind very much as Stalin was a ‘revolutionary’ and his name meant like steal which we were proud to see Mojahedin as hard as steal. My father told me: “I am going to make you an appointment to see Banisadr and tell him your concerns and perhaps you can find some answer for your questions. He didn’t ask me if I want to see him or not, though I felt perhaps this is not a bad idea. After all I could see him and tell him about what I have heard. Although by then we were very sensitive about Mojahedin and was judging any body according to their behaviour toward them. Still Mojahedin were not the sole measure of good and devil for me.

            Next day I called my friend Mohammed, he was second closest Mojahed friend of mine, Aliraza was the first one, as matter of fact Mohammed and I both were the same age and older than Aliraza, but we were accepting him as our guide in Mojahedin path. For us Aliraza was symbol of Mojahedin, we never saw him without nice and kind smile, he was always even in hottest discussions calm and patient, his logic and arguments were strong and his emotions were genuine and honest. In any joint action he was always choosing the hardest job, and in eating and resting he was the last. Although his uncle was a minister of provisional government and his father was among high-ranking revolutionary circle. He was very modest and in criticising his uncle for his wrong decision-making was ahead of every body. While we were in Newcastle, we jointly decided to visit our country and judge the event for ourselves, and first and before any thing else we decided to go to ‘BEHASH’T ZAHRA’ (new Iranian cemetery, where most of the revolutionary martyrs were buried. Mohammed told me that Aliraza has not arrived yet and are better we visit BEHASH’T ZAHRA in his absence. When I saw Mohammed he introduced me to two of his friends, both supporters of Mojahedin. First they took us to the new build tomb of founders of Mojahedin, over there we prayed special pray for deaths, and in silence we talked [we billed and cooed] to those heroes of new Iranian history. After that we moved to other graves, every grave was covered with an stone and few line written on it, name, age, and a poem or a sentence expressing what was in the heart of death ones our their relatives, few dried flowers on the stone or a small tree or flower cultivated close to them. Vertical to the grave’s stone were frames with the pictures of death ones in them. From those pictures which were parallel to each other in thousands in any directions as far as eye could see, one could judge if not all, most of the martyrs of the revolution were young ones, students of schools and universities. One of Mohammed friends pointed to them and said: “you see our generation paid the price of this revolution and now the others are claiming it as their own.” Then he pointed again toward the graves and said: “how many mullahs can you see among these martyrs, who now are in control of everything and don’t let us to say a word. Where were people like Banisadr or Yazdi or Ghodbzadeh during the revolutions that now are in the government and revolutionary council? Like always honest and young people had paid the price of the revolution and fat and parasite of the revolution had claimed its fruit.” They say is forbidden to grieve for martyrs, but hardly we could stop ourselves from crying, later we found out, that cry was not for the dead ones but for alive ones including ourselves.

            Then, we went toward university of Tehran, the centre and heart of the revolution. The weather was very hot, and it was almost noon time, pick of the hot weather, but hundreds of people were gathered in bunches of few around the university walls and doors. In each bunch two or three people were arguing against each other and few more were listening to them and with their nodding showing their agreements with one side of the arguments or other. Arguments although were loud and sharp but rarely were mixed with swearing and physical touch. It seemed they are very healthy and are symbol of adulthood of our society. In one circle there was discussion about Mojahedin. Discussion was about why Mojahedin always when they want to give speech or on top of their statement they start with famous sentence of “In the name of God and heroic people of Iran.” One who was obviously supportive of reactionaries was arguing that when you put any name beside name of God this is dualism. On the other hand it was funny to see some body else who was arguing, “what is need of putting name of God while that is your personal believe and name of people for daily work is enough.” A Mojahedin supporter was arguing that: “we believe name of God is enough. But there are many have put all their crime under the name of God. So we want to differentiate our believe from them, after all even Carter and Shah are talking about God and Shah was thanking about God as well. So we say God whose orders are for the goods of People. On the other hand we don’t believe People alone is enough as some times People’s understanding and wishes are not one, which should be followed. This is why we believe it has to be in the path chosen by God and prophets and Imams. Name of God is directing us toward the benefit of People where, they, themselves might not know about it or ask for it.”

            Parallel to the walls of the university one could see thousands of books carpeting the street, books from Carl Marx and Engels and Lenin till Islamic books of Dr. Shari’ati and Bazargan, books of different organisations from far left to far right. In between of the books people were selling other things, one was selling tape recorder of people like Motahari and Shari’ati and another one was selling ice cream and sandwiches. Among them one was selling his drawings, most of his drawings were about revolution, contrary to old times which we could buy the posters of British and American singers and artists almost in the same place. In one of his drawings Khomieni in white cloths and white wings was shown as symbol of good and fairies, while Shah with dark dress and two horns on his head was drawn as symbol of Satan and badness. On top of the poster was written: “when goodness comes, badness is forced to leave.” Mohammed’s friend looked at the poster but didn’t say any thing, although his silence meant more than thousand words. I asked him “what do you think?” He said “what can I say he is the leader of the revolution, he sees everything, all unjust actions of the reactionaries and some revolutionary guards and he is silent, as we say in Farsi does silence means affirmative? For many it means yes.” Still for me joy of being in new Iran and achievements of the revolution was far more than any disappointing words of any body, for making me hopeless and frustrated towards the revolution. To see Open University’s doors without old university’s guards with their rifles. Those healthy and intellectual discussions in the street, different books free for sell and buying, hundred of new and old free newspapers and journals free from any kind of censorship. New culture of people, trust, respect and kindness which one could see even from strangers in the street were not something which one could ignore easily and judge the revolution by the actions of some unorganised, individual club-wielders and hooligans.

            Day after, we went to Friday pray in the same place. Every thing was changed completely; there were no discussions or people selling posters or books. As far as eyes could see there were people sitting, standing, walking and sometimes running. It was two hour before pray time, but it seemed millions of people have poured there to find right place for pray. The university itself was full of people and there was no way any one could enter. Even streets close to the university were full. Obviously there was no car in any street and people were queued in parallel lines over there. Anna who was with us had to separate from us and join women lines. The Friday prays Imam was Talaghani and we were very proud to pray behind him. The weather was very hot and some people had cold water and some sweets, with themselves, which were offering it to people around themselves. Many were praying on bare ground of streets. But some had piece of material with themselves to pray on it. There were loud speakers everywhere. Hence though we were miles far from the Imam of pray. We could hear him loudly and act accordingly. It was a moving scene. Although when one pray has to concentrate all his attention toward God and only God. Still I was not able not to notice with joy and strange feeling the disciplined and united movement of millions of people around me. Words of Talaghani were moving as well. While we were hearing him, I was thinking how one could stop loving this man.

            After the pray, I heard from Mohammed that Aliraza has arrived as well, as I had an appointment with my nephew Reza who is nephew of Abol-Hasan Banisadr from father side, I suggested to Mohammed and Aliraza to join me for going to the office of Enghalab Eslami newspaper owned by Banisadr. I told them, we can meet people and ask them questions we have.

A taste of new bitterness

When I saw Aliraza I told him how glad I am to see him in Tehran, I told him it is very good to see my relatives in Enghalab Eslami, I suggested to him that with their help and his uncle’s support we might be able to do something useful. At this point he looked at me angrily while his usual kind smile was missing, then told me, “do you know what are you saying!?” Then he told me how opportunistic and position seeking was my suggestion. I felt so ashamed and for the rest of the day was shameful to talk with him any more or give any suggestion. Over there I met few other relatives of mine and through them and Reza we were introduced to others, most of those who were working there were young like us and were working very hard. I found them honest and trustworthy. They told us that Mullahs are creating problem for them as well, but as they are not contradicting Khomieni and revolutionary council as sharply as communists and Mojahedin do, they are freer to go around and do their job. They were criticising communists and Mojahedin as being some sort of pseudo left whom with their actions and their words not only solve any problem but also are giving more ground to the far right, putting Bazargan and Banisadr in the corner. Aliraza disagreed with them and soon very hot arguments and discussions start between him and them. A sort of discussions that is matter of personal idea and believe. Where neither side can force the other side to accept his arguments as both are predicting the future according to their own view. In this argument I chose to take side with Aliraza, just because he had my trust and still I was ashamed of my earlier ‘opportunistic’ comment. As a result when they offered me to have the newspapers journalist card and go to the places where not any body can go and see things for myself and judge them accordingly, I refused and we left them without any result. Then Aliraza informed us about the demonstration in support of Sadatti, a high-ranking member of Mojahedin, “the first political prisoner “after the revolution as he was called and symbolised later. He was arrested few months earlier by some unofficial revolutionary guards and was tortured. And now without any trail or clear charge was on hunger strike in Evin prison. We asked Reza my nephew to join us in this demonstration, he did agree to accompany us, but not walking among demonstrators, but parallel to them. Anna joined us as well, although as column of men were separated from women, she had to leave us for joining women’s column. Demonstration was from university of Tehran till palace of judiciary. It was my first time which I could see those many people in a demonstration, almost all of us were young and students of universities and high schools and perhaps many students of primary schools. people were very disciplined and were walking in very straight parallel lines, parallel to the lines of the demonstration, members of Mojahedin and their close supporters with their red armlet were walking and were looking after discipline of the demonstration. Among banners in addition to many pictures of Sadatti, there were many pictures of Khomieni and Talaghani and martyrs of Mojahedin. Parallel to the demonstration were moving people with puzzled faces, they could not understand what is this demonstration for, as far as they could see there was no Shah left to demonstrate against him. Revolutionary government was in power, so aims and demands of the demonstrators were puzzled for them. Then from middle of our way we saw and felt new people around and parallel to the demonstration, from whisper of demonstrators we found out that they are club wielders and reactionaries. With closer and careful look one could see that many of them were hiding piece of wood or club under their coat or have their belt in their hand. Then we heard a woman who was standing in the pavement and like a tape recorder was swearing loudly to the demonstrators, soon I found out that she was famous Zahra Khanom, some how speaker of club wielders. Then near to the judiciary palace attack of club wielders was started, our order was to keep the discipline of the lines with any price, be beaten but not react. We had to be calm, well behaved, and passive against any attacks. Reactionaries started to beat people with their belt and clubs and some start throwing stones toward demonstrators, they were beating demonstrators with any means which they had including using their hands and their feet. Soon those Mojahedin who were guarding the lines of the demonstration, to defend demonstrators from beatings of the club-wielders, circled their hands and stood in front of them so they could get most of the beatings and less was passed to the people in the lines. They were few and at most they could defend women’s lines, many of us including me and Aliraza and Mohammed Joined them and circled our hands into their hands. We were reached to the Judiciary Palace and over there we were going to listen to the speech of Rezaie’s Mother, Mother of four Martyrs. I felt now to respect her, this people will become silenced, but on contrary I found out that they don’t have any respect for her and start swearing at her too. Soon they got reinforcement and their attacks was increased, our order was to hold to the circle which was build around the gathering and stay there till the end of the demonstration, now we were able to see some blood around ourselves. Blood from injured people by stones or clubs. Soon smell and sound of firing gun forced us to feel the presence of the revolutionary guards in the scene. By now circle of defence was broken in many places. I heard a man who was leaving us while was insulting every body and saying: “this is not possible, one has to answer to this bastards the way which they can understand.” Sound of Rezaie’s Mother from loudspeaker was mixed with the sounds of bolts and swearing of reactionaries and cry of injured. With the attack of revolutionary guards to the demonstrators every body rushed to different direction. Now every body was running from the scene and nobody was ready to stand there any more. I saw some people who were beaten by the revolutionary guards and injured by them. Some who found a garden’s open door, start running toward the garden to hide themselves over there.

Final preachers for joining Mojahedin

Now after hour or two, I was bewildered, puzzled and terrified of the things I had seen in past few hours. I was worried very much for Anna, “where is she and what has happened to her?!” I was walking alone and some how searching in the streets of Tehran. With the look of it I was searching for Anna, but deep down I was searching for the lost revolution that we gave all our hopes and loves too. I think those club wielders and revolutionary guards were my final preachers toward Mojahedin. Before I realise it, with their actions they decided about my future destiny. Their action made them the best preachers of the Mojahedin cause, in the same way that Shah was the real leader of Iranian revolution. I remembered what my cousin, Banisadr told us in our house in Newcastle, “If they don’t respect freedom and rights of people we will fight against them in the same manner we fought against Shah’s regime.” Where was he now to see this Guards who were supposed to be guardian of the freedom and rights of the people. He was in revolutionary council ‘collaborating’ with the same people responsible for this savagery. In this way my mind about him was made as well.

            In Anna’s parents home I found Anna dressed nicely waiting for me, I told him how worry I was for her and how much I searched for her. Quietly I told her: “I learned again how much I love you.” In living room Anna’s cousin, Mohsan and his wife, both supporters of Mojahedin were waiting for us. I let them know about my few hours horrified and bewildered walk in the streets. I didn’t hide my fear and worry from actions of reactionaries and revolutionary guards. I told them just in one day I saw how easily one can be killed in this city and see the end of his life or beloved ones. They laughed and told me: “for us it is part of daily life, by now we are used to it and see that it is getting worse and worse.” Mohsan, Anna’s cousin was one of the nicest people whom we knew, his honesty and kindness was known to every body around him, to find him among supporters of Mojahedin gave us more courage and determination to follow the path of Mojahedin without any doubt. He told us that his mother is very fanatic Moslem and follower of the Mullahs and has asked them to reject Mojahedin, other wise she is going to curse them. This was the last time we were able to see Mohsan and talk to him, few years later we heard he was executed by the revolutionary guards and his mother did not accept to go to his grave yard or to cry or wear black dress for him.

            The next time when I saw my nephew ‘Reza’ was in my sister’s house, his father in law was minister of judiciary and his father, my cousin was the Provisional government public prosecutor. As other jobs, there was another parallel public prosecutor called the revolutionary one. I asked him about what he saw in that demonstration? He said, it was very sad and nobody can accept his or her action, I asked him so why provisional government is not doing any thing about it? he said well they are nobody, they have no power to do any thing. All power is in the hand of the revolutionary comities, the revolutionary guards, and revolutionary bodies. The revolutionary prosecutor and revolutionary court decide about the faith of people and my father and my father in law as other officials of the provisional government cannot do any thing about them.

            Few days later, I left Tehran for Zahedan, more than thousand miles south of Tehran, to see my oldest and closest friend Farzad who now was a lecturer in Blochestan university. It was my first time in Zahedan, I knew that province is the poorest province of Iran, but I never could imagine as poor as that. Although Zahedan was the capital of the province, still compare to other cities of Iran was very poor. Wherever we were looking we could see mud houses around. As matter of fact, perhaps except centre of the city, which had some nice and modern buildings, mostly occupied by government offices and banks, the rest of the city was in very poor shape. Strange thing was that unlike Tehran, Governmental buildings, even Savak offices were not burned or damaged. When I asked Farzad about it?! He told me that: “the revolution came to our city very late, even statue of Shah in the centre of the city was fallen few days earlier, and not by the people but by the university students and lecturers. People here are so poor that their only concern is how to find food for one day ahead, there is no way they can think about politic. They say Shah is gone and now Khomieni is new Shah. As you can see class difference is not very evident here as well. As a result, many feel that the life as it is, is what it should be. Who ever who become a bite richer doesn’t stay here and soon moves to other cities of the country. Those who remain are leaders of tribes who have the respect of their own tribesmen.” .

            In nighttime we had plenty time to talk about past times and remember good old days. Even in University campus, which was very modern and build nicely, when I wanted to wash my hands, I noticed water is dark and very smelly. Farzad told me that is the best water one can find in Zahedan and is better I get used to it. Over there I was introduced to some lecturers who were supporters of Mojahedin. It was very nice to see them and I wanted to talk with them as long as possible and learn from them. They told me: “The program of Mojahedin and some other revolutionary groups is to go to villages and while helping people to build their surroundings, introduce themselves as well. For example here we are trying to lay a water pipe, so villagers can have clean water for drinking and cultivation; but work is not as easy as it sounds. Biggest obstacles are Mullahs. For example in one village when we finished our work as Mullah of the village told the villagers that the work has been done by communists and water is ‘Najass’ (religiously unclean), nobody was ready to use that water and eventually when we left, villagers dug the land and stole the pipes. This is our situation, while we are Moslem and every day are praying behind those bloody Mullahs. For Feda’ian and other Communist groups situation is even worse and if they were able to save their head, they have to be grateful. This is not the only obstacle, perhaps as big as the first one is poverty. People are so poor that they don’t believe some intellectuals like us might come and work for them freely, so they don’t trust us easily. We don’t have enough time to go and live with them and let them get used to us and know us. Yesterday we took some tools to one village and today when we wanted to start working, we found everything is stolen by the villagers. While we were working hard, they were watching us strangely and with suspicion. Even our modest dress for them is rich dress, and our look for them is sign of wealth. Well we can’t do any thing about our look, so most of the times instead of love we can read signs of hate in their eyes.”

            Next day when we were in the city centre, as we were not able to drink that water, I wanted to buy some Pepsi or any kind of drink could be found over there. I went to a shop and asked for some drink. Shopkeeper asked me if I want to drink it over there or take it with myself? It was strange question for me and I answered that I want more than one and want to take with myself. Strangely he told me he has no drink to sell me. The same thing happened in second shop, and when I went empty handed toward Farzad car. He told me where have I gone wrong. he said “people here are so poor, nobody goes and buys few drink, normally price of bottle of drink is more than drink itself so when you want to take the drink you have to pay for the bottle as well, when you asked for few, shop keepers thought something is happening and price of bottle is going up so they didn’t know how much they should charge you for the bottles. this is why they didn’t sell you any till they learn more about it.” then he add “I am afraid we can not buy any drink in this area for today and if we be lucky enough we might be able to buy it from some where else. You single handed pushed the price of drink high and now every body has to suffer for some times.”

            Over there I found smuggling of different goods was the profession of many people, strangely in open market in the city centre we saw that smugglers are selling every thing, different type of alcoholic drink and sex magazines. Farzad told me “here any thing is for sell even children of the people have price, price of girls and boys for different age is set.” I was wondering in that situation who can talk with this people about politic and democracy. I found out even supporters of Mojahedin are thinking to leave the area. They told me: “it is almost impossible to work here, apart from Mullahs and poverty, we are facing leaders of the tribes as well, they don’t like to see us here and the outcome of what ever we do here by the end of the day is almost nothing.”

            After few days I returned to Tehran. I heard from Hussein, Anna’s brother who was labelling himself as supporter of Feda’ian that Heazbollahies - want to attack Mojahedin bases. Next day I went to the main centre of Mojahedin, the previous office of Pahlavi foundation in Mossadeq Ave. I saw many people around the building, most of them worried supporters who were there to see what they could do to defend the centre. by the door I introduced my self and as I knew few friends of mine from New castle who were working there, I named them and asked if I can see them. Masoud, one of them was there and came by the main door and took me inside and introduced me to some of his work mates. He gave me first issue of Mojahed the official organ of Mojahedin. He told me about the news of past two. He said: “issue of Sadatti is getting hotter and hotter every day, they don’t have any thing to prove that he is a spy of the Soviet Union and on the other hand they have reached to the point that they can not say sorry it was a mistake and free him. I heard Masoud Rajavi and Mussa Khiabani who I found are highest ranking members of Mojahedin, have seen Khomieni and unlike others, as it was a custom, instead of kissing hands of Khomieni, they have kissed his face. apparently Khomieni had asked them to face Marxists and defend Islam against them. I learned as before, reactionaries have attacked centres of Mojahedin in different cities. My friend told me, the centre, which we were in had not been attacked yet, but they are prepared to defend it if they face any attack and are not prepared to surrender it easily. He introduced me to one of the high-ranking member of Mojahedin. He asked me about my relation to Banisadr and other relations of mine in provisional government. When I told him about our visit to Enghalab Eslami Office and my refusal to accept their reporter’s card and also acceptance to see Banisadr himself. He told me both were wrong and I could help Mojahedin a lot by doing so. Then I asked him for advice that should I stay in Iran or go back to England. I asked: “Where can I be more useful for the organisation?.” Perhaps he realised that I am not politically and revolutionary mature enough to stay in Iran and keep my bound with them. Perhaps he realised how much I was terrified of what I saw in the previous demonstration. So he advised me to go back and finish my study while I am helping our brothers and sisters in England.

Back to England with different personality

Soon it came the time to decide if we want to stay or return to Britain. We had financial problem for continuation of my study, Farzad my friend, kindly suggest to give us some thing monthly from his salary till I finish my study, which I thanked him and refused to accept it. At the end we reached to the conclusion that we have to spend less and live on what we get from the rent of our Apartment. To say Good-bye to our parents and our friends was very difficult. while I was saying Good bye to my father and my mother, we were crying and I was telling them in a year or two we are back, so there is no place for sadness. Did I know that, it was the last time, I was able to see them and have them in my arms? Did I know that was the last time, I was able to see my beautiful country and have its warm air in my lungs? No I didn’t, and I never could imagine it! If yes, was I ready to leave them and return to my study? I think Not, Never!

            During our stay in Iran, I bought as many books of Mojahedin as they were published by then. The material of those books and papers were very heavy for me to read from quantity point of view as well as quality. Although all of them were in Farsi, but there were many words and sentences that were very difficult for me to understand. I didn’t think it was because of my knowledge about my mother language, or lack of reading different type of books including political and religious one. As a whole I have to say they were introducing new world, new culture, new literature, and eventually new system of logic and thought. I could feel there are new definitions for everything, good, bad, right and wrong. Reading and understanding each word in their books meant, refusing and denying part of my past, logic and understanding of life and acceptance of new life with everything. The life introduced by them.

            In a little tiny book called “Advice to revolutionary youth “(RAHNAMODHA’E BE’A JAVANAN ENGHALABI), I could see their definition of people like myself and Anna and those around us. According to this book, “mind of those who grow during Shah era through education of school and high school and especially western programs and movies of Television, were educated and directed towards things unrelated to our problems and cultures. Gradually they were ‘stupefied’, ‘narcotised’ and eventually changed into rotten and corrupt people.” On the other hand in the first few pages I could see the other side of the coin. Opposite to us Revolutionaries were defined as those who “have rejected the education given to them by the Shah’s apparatus, they rejected faked heroes like Bruise lee and instead found the real heroes of people, they read and memorised story of revolutionaries and Mojahedin and also they start memorising and singing revolutionary songs and poems. They learned about characteristic of Mojahedin and tried to duplicate them in their own daily life. Now they were facing with new questions. ‘how one can be?’ , ‘how one can live?’, and the most important of all ‘How one can die?’.”

            I think this book knew the question I will face after reading it: “can I became like those heroes those vanguards of people? can I live and die like them? can I fight for freedom of my people?.” The answer to all these questions was yes and the first lesson was “definition of ‘ANSAN’ (human beings)” Characteristic of human beings were numbered as follow: “1-knowledge and understanding: movement and actions of animals are according to their instincts, while man from childhood has to learn every thing and most of his actions are according to what he has learned and understood. 2-Freedom and will power: human beings not only unlike animals are not prison of Geography and weather, but they can resist against their own instinct as well. While they are hungry they can stop eating and while there is a danger, instead of running away they can go toward danger for saving life of others. Opposite to the main instinct of life, which is survival, they can choose to die, but not surrendering their freedom or believe . . . In any direction, which they choose to go, they find no limit for that and nothing can stop them for going further and further. Even those who choose their aim as becoming rich, till last moment of their life they want to become richer and richer.” In this way I found out that greed is one of the man’s character, which is not necessarily bad, only its direction might be bad or good. So one should not fight against his greed, but should direct it toward serving people and God.

            The final characteristic of human beings according to that book was: “responsibility: we are responsible of our actions and our surroundings. As much we know as much we are responsible. So to be more responsible we have to know more. we have to know about governing laws of nature and society, we have to know our enemy and our friends. One who knows and understands more and has stronger will power is more human than one who knows less and has weaker will power. To become more human we have to wipe off class culture, which has shaped our character and our way of thinking. Know more about governing laws of evolution and society and move toward evolving ourselves and society till total freedom of man from exploitation of man, and reaching to the level of ‘God like’ ( KHODA GONE’A). In this path, no one can go higher from ladder of becoming more human by just reading and learning. It has to have mixed with action. So one in what ever level he is has to involve himself in struggle for breaking the barriers against evolution of mankind.”

            Lessons of this book were very clear, we had to forget and reject our past and learn every thing from the start. While I was reading this book and a book about life of few Mojahedin martyrs, my first understanding was how bad and selfish I am, how wasteful my past life has been, and how corrupt and dirty, my mind and heart are. In comparison I was black and they were white, I was night and they were morning. While I was enjoying myself and was thinking about love and marriage and trying different enjoyments of life, Mojahedin where suffering under torture and were fighting in harshest conditions against the Shah’s tyranny. Up to then my character and my past were something that even if I was not proud of them at least I didn’t think they are bad and have to be rejected. They were something that I could lean on them and face odds of outside world. Now not only I had to deny and reject them but even incentives of personal survival were under question marks. I could say before then, my mind and my character, my likes and dislikes, my system of thinking was acting as some sort of White cells against foreign invasion. They were my immune system against outside world. With their help I could immune and protect myself against any one who wanted to exploit me or my mind. But now against Mojahedin teaching this immune system of mine, itself was under attack and it had to be neutralised. So I could be able to understand Mojahedin’s teachings. It was very difficult and Mojahedin knew that very well, it was not job of one day or one month or even one year. They told me it is as difficult as it has been called by God as Great fight compare to other battles human beings have against different enemies including nature.

            Now I was characterising my self as supporter of Mojahedin, from then on everything was changed for me, instead of judging actions of Mojahedin as before I was judging my self if I am acting according their teaching or not. Instead of choosing rights and wrongs of political events according to my logic, I was trying to understand them according to the logic of Mojahedin. Sense of guilt and shame about my post and useless life I have had was getting greater and greater in my mind, more I was reading from Mojahedin’s books and literature, more I was feeling how ignorant I had been. Comparing to them I was feeling how dirty and unclean I am. I had to try very hard to change myself. Fortunately in New castle all people we knew if they were not worse than me, certainly they were not better. So compare to them especially after returning from Iran and things learned from those books I was few steps ahead of every body in the path of Mojahedin.

Mojahedin’s ‘honesty’, and ‘innocence’, their secret of success

First issue of Mojahed was very interesting. I liked more than anything an article about responsibility of writers under title of ‘RASALAT GHALAM’ ( Pen’s mission). In this article which in next issue I learned was written by Masoud Rajavi, it was said: “…. we are sincere and honest with our oath with pen. An oath, which before anything else needs honesty and truthfulness. Other wise how can we talk about resurgence of the truth and salvation.” Immediately after that article there was another one politically very interesting, as by then I had some doubt about Khomieni himself, I could not accept in what ever is happening in Iran, he is blameless and as some used to say he doesn’t know about them. In that article Khomieni and his role in the revolution was described as following: “In the hart of great epic of the Iranian revolution, a face of a man, the hero and the vanguard of the revolution like sun and brighter than any star was shinning. He whom in the most sensitive part of our history’s struggle as leader and materialised form of honour and freedom of people, truly was titled as Imam, in victory of an just but unequal struggle played a decisive and determining rule. In this way new shape of struggle and victory of right over wrong was recorded in the history. Without any doubt for very few leaders like Imam Khomieni (people) have sacrificed and given their love. Hearts of millions of oppressed people with his name have sang freedom’s anthem. An anthem, which implied the death of our time’s Satan. A name that traitor shah’s regime with all its power and might and its anti human greatness wanted people to forget. Up to the point that didn’t have any hesitation in putting those free people who had enough courage to name him, in prison and under torture.”

            Reading these words without any doubt was showing me the Mojahedin’s view about Khomieni himself and acceptance of him as the leader and guardian of the revolution. One of the important event against freedom, in my view was what happened to Ayandegan daily paper. Most of the news of that paper was about activities of leftist groups and brutality of reactionaries. I have to say I was not in total agreement of what ever was written in that paper, but I believed that was part of democracy, no body can agree with everything exist in a democratic society. But when Khomieni as leader of the revolution and as Imam announced he is not going to read that paper any more. Every body could realise what that mean. In simple term it meant who ever who is Moslem and believes in Khomieni should not read that newspaper. At this point neither Mojahedin nor any other Moslem organisation took stance against what Khomieni said, while many thought it was the first move from Khomieni against freedom of press that was in the heart of the freedom as a whole. They preferred to ignore Khomieni’s comment till there was attack of Heazbollahies against the paper. At this point Mojahedin along four other groups condemned that attack, By now every body knew it was the end of that paper and after that other papers one by one will find the same end. Once more Mojahedin were accused by other organisations of being a selfish organisation which only reacts when the organisation itself is under attack and what ever happens for others like banning of National democratic front and many newspapers, they will try as hard as possible to be silent about it and not take any stance. Another issue that was bothering me and I was under question from my Liberal friends in University, were execution orders of the revolutionary courts. Although I was very against Shah’s regime, but I knew for fact that in his regime the first responsible of all crimes was Shah himself and the others even his prime minister Hovida were just some kind of tools who had to do what ever was the order of the Shah. Deep in heart I was against any kind of execution and especially execution of some people like Farokhro Parsa, minister of education. In my view these executions were unjust, and against the Islam I was going to be in fond of it. A part from that, most of those who were executed didn’t have proper trail and again in my view this was far from “Islamic justice” we wanted to introduce it to the world. I have to say I was not happy to see Mojahedin not only were approving these executions but while they were congratulating revolution prosecutors and judges, they were asking for more execution and even sometimes criticising them for not being as decisive as they should be. Any way I could understand this view of mine is part of those education I have had in my childhood and were called by Mojahedin as corrupt. I knew it takes time till I change into a Mojahed and think like them and hate anti-revolutionaries like them.

            That summer apart from reading Mojahedin’s literature. As I wanted to finish my study and return to Iran as soon as possible, I worked very hard in my study and was able to finish important part of my research and reach to some important and final results. by September Anna’s father came to visit us. I liked him very much, he was very nice, honest and kind man. It was less than a week from his arrival that one-day we woke up with his cry. Each morning he used to listen to Iranian radio and that morning he had heard from radio that ‘PADAR’ Talaghani was death. He was right to cry, he was not alone we sat and cried as hard as we could. I remember few very sad points in my life but I have to say this was if not saddest, but one of them. We were looking at him as a barrier in front of reactionaries, he was defender of democracy, progress, rights of people including Iranian minorities, what ever wrong was happening we were looking to him to put it right, he had respect of every body, perhaps this was the reason why reactionaries didn’t like him. Soon we received a tape recorded by the Mojahedin in sorrow of him, in this record there was an unheard speech of him, talking about Mojahedin especially Rajavi and Khiabani. Apparently Mojahedin were asked by him not to distribute that speech, and now after his death they were feeling this is their responsibility to let people know about Talaghani’s view about Mojahedin. Each time we were listening to that type, unwillingly we were crying, his death was the end of any compromise that could bring some kind of unity among different factions of the revolution. His funeral procession was perhaps the last demonstration every body attend.

Iranian, hostages of ‘American Hostages’

On fourth of November 79 an event shook and changed every thing, including life of ours and many other Iranian and perhaps many non-Iranian too. On this day few Iranian university students calling themselves as ‘Students followers of Imam line’ seized the US. embassy in Tehran, taking 66 hostages and demanding that US. extradite the Shah who was in America, hospitalised for treatment of his cancer. Those Hostages were kept for 444 days by the students as hostages, within those days many things changed including Iranian politic, Iranian life and Iranian reputation abroad. Politically we as supporters of Mojahedin could not be against this action as since victory of the revolution, almost there was no Mojahedin statement or article in Mojahed paper without reference to Imperialism and American activities in our country or Vietnam or other part of the world. Mojahedin along other revolutionary groups were criticising provisional government including Prime Minister Bazargan as being lenient toward America and even in some cases attacking some of his associate as collaborator with Imperialism. Mojahedin were very proud of their activities during Shah time against American and in many articles were numbering the number of American who were killed by them. Apart from the stance of Mojahedin toward Imperialism and American, the most important of all was the news of the same day occupation of the American consulates in Isfahan and Tabriz (Two major Iranian cities in centre and north west of Iran) by the Mojahedin themselves. This news made us certain that this action has had support of revolutionary groups including Mojahedin. Mojahedin as later we found out in their publications were not able to hold the captured American consults after involvement of the revolutionary guards. Personally although I was believing that international norms with any cost have to be respected, but in this case I could see the action of students as some kind of revenge against illegal activities of all American personal during previous 26 years. including CIA organised coup against democratic government of Dr. Mossadeq. After all according to the same international norms personal of foreign embassies shouldn’t involve themselves in internal affairs of host country. And yet there was no sign of apology or regret from American toward Iranian for their past activities in our country.

            Well since that day as it was called as the second phase of the Iranian revolution, we had to leave our normal life including our study again, and concentrate more than ever on politic and reflections of that event. as before everyday and perhaps most of the times Iranian students were gathering in students union building or Mosque, exchanging news and information, discussing with other nationalities, explaining, defending and interpreting the events. Unlike the first phase of the revolution that we almost had support of every body, this time there were many who were against our action. Even among Moslems, some truly were telling us that during all civilised history of mankind representatives and messengers of different countries even in wartime had been immune and save in host countries and their embassies some times had been used as sanctuary. Opposite to those who were against this action there were many from different countries who were as excited and moved as us, there were Chilean under Pinochet, with complex of what happened to Allende in their heart. Indonesian with their sorrow for Sokarno and as was claimed one million killed by Sohartoo. Arab students from different countries with hate toward Israelis action in Palestine and unconditional American support for them. Latin American and African students and some leftist British students. For many this action was some kind of answer to bulling policies of American around the world. It was some kind of relive to their hatred toward American, An answer to this complex that American can do any thing they wish and people who have suffered, can not do any thing in revenge.

            In general as every day’s news of all different media were one sided and against us, most of the people were angry and some times we as Iranian even could feel sense of hatred among ordinary people toward ourselves. Even we found out that our British neighbours who were our friends are distancing themselves from us. Soon some Iranian in public preferred to introduce themselves as other nationalities except Iranian, among them those who were keen to keep their identity start introducing themselves as Persian, instead of Iranian as many ordinary people didn’t know they are the same and they used to have good memories from Persia, like cheap Persian oil, Persian carpet or Persian cat.

            After some times one could see some sort of unity among Iranian students again. Few days after the hostage taking, there was a demonstration organised by the Islamic societies in Manchester; we hired few bus and many Iranian students travelled to Manchester to attend that demonstration. It was interesting that among those who attended, there were students who were not supporting any group, even supporters of Tudeh party now were among first line supporters of the revolution and Khomieni himself. In Manchester although demonstration was very dense as many people from other nationalities had joined us as well. Reaction of people around demonstration was totally different. They were looking at us with anger some times loudly were swearing at us, shutting of ‘Go Home You bloody Iranian’ was very common. Even in the middle of demonstration we found a structural worker from top of a building did pee on the head of demonstrators.

            After that demonstration, organisers of the demonstration when later on I found out that they had link with Manchester consulate of Iran, made contact with me and wanted I represent them in our area. During those days Moslem students in Iran and abroad were divided in two main branches: ‘Islamic societies’ which were supporters of the Regime and especially Mullahs. And ‘Moslem Student Societies’ as was known as MSS that were supporters of Mojahedin. Unlike Mss, Islamic Societies were not unified in their policies or actions as each one of them were under influence and support of different faction of the regime and government. Among them the Manchester organisation was supporting Banisadr and as a result they were more keen to continue their connections with me and introduce me as their representative in our area.

            When I told Aliraza about them; first he didn’t say any thing then, I guess after contacting representative of Mojahedin in London. He told me what ever I have done, was wrong, I shouldn’t attend that demonstration and nor creating any organisation in New castle for supporting those activities. I had to disconnect my self from them immediately. Well I couldn’t agree with Aliraza as I could see clearly how sincere Mojahedin are supporting the Students who were responsible for hostage taking. From Mojahed’s articles one could see how wholeheartedly and one-sided Mojahedin are marching in front of the Embassy, joining ‘hostage takers’ ‘revolutionary fasting’. Asking the government for changing the embassy into a museum of American crimes in Iran, seizing the political and economical relationship with the United States. During those days, every article in Mojahed was about Imperialism and how we can fight against them, even in one article they suggested that we have to abolish the usage of computer as it makes us dependent to the United States and Imperialism in general, be honest with myself this article for me which all the time was working with computer was very hard to swallow. They announced to defend the country against any American aggression, their forces would be under command of the revolutionary guards, those who we were calling them Reactionaries. Hence it was not acceptable for me that policy of us as supporters of Mojahedin abroad should be opposite to our leading organisation inside of the country. From my learning from the Mojahed, I could see noting wrong in whatever I had done and I felt again according to the same teaching, this is my right to ask question and demand some sort of explanation. Aliraza was telling me that about policies of the organisation we don’t ask question, we obey it. And when I refereed him to an article of Mojahed about right of people to ask question and criticise the organisation. He told me that is for ordinary people and not for supporters and members of the organisation. When I told him that I think this is his own position and blamed him as being childish left always criticised by the Mojahedin. He told me it is better I travel to London and talk with representative of Mojahedin there.

Changing into a ‘disciplined supporter’ - having a ‘masoul’

It was my first time in Mojahedin base in London. Their base was a very simple apartment in centre of London. In one room there were few people sitting around a table, translating articles of the papers. They were very friendly and kind. About five o’clock in the evening they announced it is ‘SA’AT PANJIE’ (brake at five o’clock). So every body left the work, then there came some tea and biscuits and some oranges. They start serving themselves and one gave me a plate to serve myself. My first impression from what I could see and feel over there was that this is a home that we call it ‘Towhidi’. Nobody owns anything, all are owner and nobody is the owner. All share what ever exist over there equally. All are brothers and sisters and kind to each other. There is no fight, envy or jealousy, no rivalry or unhealthy competition. Every body knows his or her responsibility and tries to do it as fast and as perfect as possible. All one could see was people with kindness and smile. There was no personal worry and all worry was how to do their job more efficiently and perfectly. In one word for me it was a heaven on earth. Over there I met Hussein, a representative of Mojahedin, my impression was that he is a member of the organisation. He had all the characters I was expected to see in a member of the organisation; polite, dignified, kind, understanding, serious and straight. He was not in rush to answer me, he listened to me with unbelievable patience, and answered my questions calmly and logically. He explained that, I as a sympathiser of the organisation have to follow the line of actions forwarded by the representatives of the organisation, as many things we read in the paper have to be interpreted correctly and not any body has enough knowledge of doing that by himself. Later I found out that according to the interpretation of the organisation, ‘Hostage taking’ after all was not an act of anti-Imperialism but a policy from reactionaries against true revolutionaries and liberal faction of the regime. As I was told this action forced the premier Bazargan to abdicate his post and at the same time disarmed the revolutionaries, especially Mojahedin from their real fight against Imperialism and gave upper hand to reactionaries in different field.

            From then on I was an organisational sympathisers of the Mojahedin, a disciplined one. Instead of interpreting Mojahedin policies through what could be read and found in their paper. I could ask them from my ‘masoul’ (organisational responsible), who was Mohsan studying in Leeds and later I learned he is responsible of the supporters of the organisation in north of Britain.

            At start I had some feeling of rejection toward this title: ‘masoul’. I even preferred to use title of boss or manager as I knew what they mean and where do I have to follow the order of my boss and where I shouldn’t. In my view one could be responsible of things and animals or even children or those who didn’t have mind of their own like mad people but not adult and mature people. Since my adulthood and after my father I didn’t have any masoul. Even as a child I always had mind and will of my own and was not following my father’s order unequivocally. Any way after sometimes I got used to this title and soon usage of it became part of my daily life.

‘Liberals’ or ‘Reactionaries’?

Although in the few first weeks after the victory of the revolution Mojahedin like many other left organisations, including Tudeh party were attacking provisional government and Bazargan himself as those “who are paving the way for return of America” Soon they found out that their main enemies are not those who by then were called as “Liberals”, Bazargan and his government’s members. But ‘Reactionaries’, Mullahs in general who had revolutionary council under their control and all revolutionary comities and revolutionary guards. So when Bazargan government after hostage taking resigned, although some organisation like Tudeh party welcomed it, but it was not the same for Mojahedin. From then on there was another battle and arguments not between them and reactionaries, but between them and some of the revolutionary organisations including Feda’ian who were closest organisation to Mojahedin since their struggle against Shah. As a result most of the times we were involved in this kind of discussions with our fellow Marxist friends.

            The main argument was which faction of the regime should revolutionaries take side with, or support against the other side. In another word, which faction is going to take upper hand in paving the way for American back to our country. Mojahedin believed although reactionaries are less friendly toward Imperialism than Liberals; class wise they are more backward than Shah and certainly Liberals so their opposition against Imperialism is not a progressive one but a regressive one. Their famous example was like this: “If a dog bite a foot of an American agent do you call it anti Imperialism and praise it for that action. Anti Imperialism tendency of reactionaries is like that which should not be praised. “We were arguing that reactionaries are not able to solve twenty-century problems of the people, as a result, eventually they have to get help from Imperialism. So they are ones who will pave the way for Imperialism. Well this was our daily struggle and discussions with supporters of other groups for next few years. As a result any event had to be interpreted in this framework to show we are right. Of course the other side was doing exactly the same thing and was interpreting events some how to prove they are right.

            The main advocate of discussion of ‘Liberals or reactionaries’, was the Tudeh party. Though some Marxist individuals and even parties although historically and even politically were against Tudeh party, still were not able to stand against the party theoretically. First they became confused, then doubtful and eventually found no way except following The Tudeh path in dealing theoretically and materialistically with the issue of “Liberals or Reactionaries” Later the most unfortunate effect of this fact was split in the largest Marxist organisation of Iran, Feda’ian. Following their split eventually we were able to see split in whole front of progressive and left organisations including Marxists and Moslems and Nationalists alike. Some chose to support Reactionaries against Liberals and others opposite side. As a result soon we found new enemies even among our old friends. From now on the hatred that was existed between us and reactionaries was extended to friends and even families. Many of our friends who were followers of Feda’ian after the split of that organisation joined The Majority faction of the organisation, hence changed into stranger and even in some cases a new enemy.

            Hence Tudeh party, with bad history, hated among many people and especially among intellectuals and revolutionaries; an organisation, which joined the revolution just days before its victory when blessing came from Moscow, very few in number, and in our view historically dead. As theoretically, they were more powerful to interpret Marxism in our situation, were able to inflict perhaps the worst stroke among progressive personalities and organisations that somehow were confused how to act in new political scene of Iran.

Line of blood and hatred

Since summer, even before death of ‘PADAR’ Talaghani, one could see a line has been drawn between Mojahedin and Mortajaeen (reactionaries), a line, which soon changed into a red one, line of blood. When there was election of constitutional assembly, Mojahedin in a coalition with four other organisations nominated their own candidates. As later they reviled, they knew perfectly well that reactionaries will not let even single member of that coalition be elected for that assembly. Their objective for participating in that election and other ones was to revile how monopolist reactionaries are. Result of constitutional assembly election was obvious and after death of Talaghani the most progressive member of that assembly the out come of it could not be anything but a regressive constitution. The most outrages decision of that assembly was power given to Khomieni himself under the title of ‘VLAYAT FAGHIEH’ (religious superior guidance), a position above everything and everybody including votes of the people and law of the country. I heard not from Mojahedin but a supporter of Bazargan that this idea even is not Islamic. The concept of religious leadership or Imam is closed in Islam by announcement of Prophet Mohammed as the last prophet and Twelfth Imam of us as the last one. It meant according to genuine believe of Islam all the rights of government comes from the votes of people and only people. I even heard form Mojahedin that Bazargan wanted to abolish the Assembly before their final work on this issue, but Khomieni himself stopped him.

            When in November there was a referendum for approval of the constitution. Mojahedin announced as there are contradiction between Islam they know and the constitution written and approved by the assembly, they are not going to vote. This was when Khomieni himself announced that there is nothing in the written constitution contradictory to Islam. In this way some how Mojahedin confronted Khomieni himself on a religion’s issue, in the view of many this was against calling him Imam and Ayatollah, which meant expert on Islam and the one who everybody at least in religious issues and matters has to follow. As a result from then on reactionaries instead of calling Mojahedin as what they were called meaning worrier of people and faith, they called them Monafaghin. (hypocrites). So from then on many of them referring to interpretation of Khomieni from one of the verses of Quran, were saying Monafaghin are worse than infidels and as Imam Ali killed four thousand of them just in one battle, one day we have to kill all Monafaghin. Both side of this fight were using Islamic terms to define the other side and themselves. When in August eventually Mojahedin had to leave their centre in Mossadeq Ave. Their communiqué referring to this incident was started with the famous sentence of Imam Hussein: “HALL MEN NASAR YANSORNIE” (Is there any body to help me?) so clearly it meant Mojahedin considering themselves as right and as oppressed as Imam Hussein and those who throw them out of their base are like enemies of Imam Hussein, religiously very meaningful.

            Mojahedin soon realised to stand against reactionaries they have to have arms and army. On the other hand the main demand and slogan of reactionaries since victory of the revolution was disarmament of different groups mainly Mojahedin, Once they attacked one of the arm’s storage of Mojahedin and confiscated all their arms over there. Mojahedin were waiting for right time to organise their own army and have good excuse for having arms. This moment came when in reaction to American threat Khomieni asked for creation of a 20 million strong army. Mojahedin welcomed this speech and for the first time they printed the photograph of Khomieni on the top of their paper and printed his word as large as possible. They even printed a book under title of “Four historical messages of Imam “Soon they organised their own militia and after some times they showed their readiness in a parade in the main streets of Tehran and other major cities.

            During those days reactionaries were doing any thing possible against Mojahedin. Near American Embassy there was a tent called ‘CHADOOR VAHDAT’ ( a tent for unity ), obviously what ever was there meant unity against Mojahedin and not America. They were attacking all different bases of Mojahedin, including Mojahedin’s clinic. Kidnapping, beating and even murdering Mojahedin supporters and members were very common. Many fake books, leaflets used to be printed with emblem of Mojahedin and were distributed in different cities. They were claiming that Mojahedin have attacked a bank, or after seizing their centres they claimed they have found opium and sex materials. Every day there was new rumour or gossip against Mojahedin including rumour of split among members of the organisation to undermine them in front of people. Of course the immediate effect of what ever they were doing was to make us more believer of the organisation. On the other hand Mojahedin were using all different means to prove that reactionaries are monopolistic and mercenary of Imperialism. To face reactionary’s actions and revile what they are doing, while Talaghani was alive, Mojahedin used to go to him asking for his help. After his death, they were trying to benefit from tendency of Ahmed Khomieni, Khomieni’s son. With their referral to him and sending different letters to Khomieni, more than any thing else they wanted to show that Khomieni himself is aware of what ever is happening and perhaps many of this events are taking place with his approval. To force Khomieni to come forward and show his real face to people; after death of Talaghani who was Mojahedin’s first candidate for presidency; they nominated Khomieni as their candidate. When Khomieni refused to be candidate and asked no Mullahs should candidate himself. On the first week of January 1980 the Mojahedin nominated Masoud Rajavi for presidency.

            This announcement after some times that we didn’t have any thing to do, created new atmosphere and excitement for us. Again for some time we left our study and tried to do what ever we could to make him the first president of Iran. Different type and sizes of posters with pictures of Rajavi was printed. His biography was written and printed and distributed. We were talking with all Iranian and were persuading them that in Election Day they should vote for him. Perhaps tens of thousand times more than what we were doing, was done by supporters of Mojahedin inside of Iran. We all had found new objective to work for, we could hear about sacrifices of our brothers and sisters in Iran including being beaten and tortured and in the case of ABAS OMANI, killed by the reactionaries. Well compare to the supporters inside of Iran, as we used to call them ‘Militia’, we were very ashamed, for not doing much as there was not enough work for us to do outside of the country. Of course among us there were many who wished to have Mojahedin blessing for attacking members of Islamic societies as a revenge to what ever they were doing in Iran against our young sisters and brothers.

            There were different type of support for candidacy of Rajavi, including the representative of ethnic and religious minorities, many writers and poets. different revolutionary groups, even wife of Talaghani. In a meeting in university of Tehran, which was the first largest meeting of Mojahedin. In front of tens of thousands people Rajavi announced why he has accepted the nomination of the organisation for presidency. He said: “ . . . Imperialists after the victory of the revolution have employed two lines , first to create civil war and second detour the revolutionary forces and suppress them.” “We are joining this election to confront Imperialism and its so-called human rights policies. to confront against reactionaries and comprising policies toward America, to fight against isolation of revolutionary groups, and helping them to flourish.” In the same meeting they announced their program that was more or less like the program that were announced before. He said: “In front of us there are three direction to be chosen. 1- capitalist solution 2- intermediate solutions like Egypt and Somali that eventually will end to the first one. and the third one is the monotheism anti exploitation direction. In our view the first two are rejected and the only real direction exist is the third one.”

            There were many calls and affords from reactionaries to force Rajavi to resign as candidate of presidency, on the bases of not accepting the constitution of the country. Mojahedin resist this argument and promised that if he be elected, he is prepared to work in the framework of the constitution. It didn’t take long till Khomieni himself openly took side with reactionaries and announced those who have not voted in the constitution’s referendum cannot nominate themselves for presidency. As a result Rajavi who was the only candidate with this description resigned. This speech of Khomieni was the last stroke toward us, who had wishful thinking that what ever is happening in Iran is noting to do with Khomieni and as he promised in Paris he is not enveloping himself in every day politics of the country.

            It was very sad day for us. we could see what ever we did was in vain. More importantly sacrifices of ‘militia’ in Iran, all those beatings and tortures were in vain. Now we knew that who is the real leader of the reactionaries. Furthermore we could realise there isn’t going to be any political or peaceful solution to our problem, as reactionaries were not accepting any thing less than total monopoly of power. Some were saying that it was predictable that Rajavi’s candidacy has no happy ending; so was it worthy? Some lost their life, many were injured and beaten and some were arrested. We were looking at this event as a policy, which was failed. Then we received the answer of the organisation; according to that not only it wasn’t a failure or withdraw but a victory. As they were claiming that we have shown the monopolistic face of reactionaries to the people more than ever. And in very private they were saying eventually we forced Khomieni to come forward and show himself.

A family as the first president of Iran

The outcome of the first presidential election apart from being very important for every Iranian especially Mojahedin. As the one who was elected was my cousin Banisadr as the first president of Iran, it hunt and had significant good and bad influence on my future life. An effect and influence, which I couldn’t get rid of it for the whole of my political life.

            His victory was a landslide one, a genuine eleven million vote of voters out of fourteen million. The second person after him was Madani with two million votes. The representative of newly established party of reactionaries, the Islamic Republic Party, couldn’t gain support of even a million of voters. While Mojahedin were claiming that Banisadr has got most of his votes from voters of Mojahedin; some Marxist groups like Tudeh party publicly announced that they were going to support the person nominated by the Islamic Republic Party.

Mss, the new kind of organisation for the supporters

By now the Mss (Moslem students Society-Supporters of PMOI People Mojahedin organisation of Iran ) had substituted the old committee of supporters of Mojahedin established on August 1979 . On February of 1980 it was decided that MSS has to organise its supporters in more advanced and effective form of organisation and materialise Mojahedin’s objectives abroad. As a result when Mohsan masoul (I.e. responsible and representative) of the organisation in north of Britain came to New castle; in a private meeting he announced our new form of organisation and our individual responsibilities. As a result there were four of us in the leading council of the society in North east of England and Scotland. Among us I was considering Mohammed and Ebrahim as close friends of myself since revolution and as a result I didn’t have much difference of Idea with them. Davood was from another city, he was pretending and ‘modestly’ claiming that he is from a labour family and background. According to the new fashion of our politic, unlike Shah’s era, where wealth and education was differentiating people from each other, and whoever who was richer and more educated was more important; now in contrast, whoever, who was poorer and especially from a labour family, was more revolutionary and progressive. In Davood’s view and even in my own view opposite to him, I was from a bourgeois family and background and defender of Liberalism. I was cousin of the president Banisadr, head of the Liberal faction of the regime. I was married and had everything according to the definition of a bourgeois. Education now not only was an advantage but as it meant some have been exploited to pay for our education, it was sign of exploitation; so higher education was symbol of higher exploitation and among them I was the only one in PhD course. My behaviour, talking, logic, human rights views, even politeness and later as I was told unconditional kindness and love for democracy, all were characters of a Liberal bourgeois. I knew all of this disadvantages and on top of them had a new complex myself, complex of not having any kind of political or revolutionary activities in whole my life, complex of not knowing any thing about past history of Mojahedin even knowing names of their martyrs and their songs and anthems which during those days were very important for a sympathiser. As a result in any internal discussions and conflicts to avoid being labelled as liberal, I was as quiet as possible, except were things were contradicting reason of my own presents among Mojahedin sympathisers.

            None of us knew much about Mojahedin’s ideology, especially where it differs from other Moslems and Marxists. For me that democracy, independence and progress were more important than anything else; it was good enough to know Mojahedin are supportive of these three issues, the rest of their believes weren’t so important and I could agree with them according to whatever they say. But when Davood told us that Mojahedin do believe in Proletariat Dictatorship, I wasn’t able to silence my self and be passive about it. So following that there was a long hot discussion between us, while Mohammed and Ebrahim were watching us without taking side. As matter of fact he was repeating his inadequate Marxist knowledge and I was defending my own Liberal view and neither of what ever we were saying had to do any thing with Mojahedin’s beliefs. Once we were discussing about exploitation and unavoidable final class war. I referred to a recent documentary I had seen about the Fiat factory, where there was almost no worker in the factory and the computer and machine did all mechanical works. My argument was that in very near future there will be no proletariat left to defend; the main problem soon will be unemployment and this is an end to the definition of exploitation according Marxism and an end to the ‘final class war’. He who didn’t have any answer, jokingly said: “perhaps this is why we are against computerisation of our society, this has to be done after the class war! “Later I found Mojahedin’s answer to this question. They have substitute proletariat with an Islamic term ‘MOSTAZAFEEN’ which means oppressed. So whatever happens in the future, still there are some who are oppressed and some who are oppressing others and there will be final battle between these two class.

            Although we ourselves knew nothing about Mojahedin’s Ideology and culture. But as we say ‘In the city of blinds, one who has one eye is a king’. Mohammed and I were each lecturing and educating half of the sympathisers of Mojahedin in our area. We ourselves supposed to get our education from Mohsan during our two days stay in Leeds each week. While always as there were plenty things to do over there and as Mohsan was believer of Action instead of reading and theoretical education. Rarely we were having any discussion, reading or any kind of lesson. As a result all our knowledge was coming from weekly paper of Mojahed and their published books.

Changing from a ‘political supporter’ into an ‘Ideological’ one.

Among books we were learning and teaching, there were few that in changing me from a political supporter of Mojahedin into Ideological one had greatest share. The most important of all was a book called ‘the Dynamics of Quran’. This book answered many of my questions and doubts about Islam and Quran itself. For example I learned why prophet was not able to change every thing into what is right, immediately after his victory. I found out in changing traditions and believes of people however bad and reactionaries they are, as long as they are not contradicting the main principles of Islam. He believed in reform rather than immediate change or as we call it revolution. His tactics for changing bad traditions and customs was based on two elements. 1- encouragement for doing good instead of following those bad old traditions. Like slavery while he was not able to abolished it but he introduced hundreds of causes and ways for freeing slaves, which meant after some times practically all slaves were freed. 2- putting too many difficult conditions for following those old traditions, which again rarely one was able to follow them, like stoning of people for adultery.

            I found out Quran believed in changing many things step by step. For example positions of women in the society that could not be changed, immediately from, having no right at all to total equality. So in first step their legal witness found some value, and they start inheriting from their parents, though half of the men, but much more than nothing at all.

            Learning two issues helped me to understand Quran and Islam, more than any thing else. At least Mojahedin interpretation brand of Islam. The first one was discussion of ‘MOHKAMAT and MOTESHABEHAT’ that simply meant what ever laws we see in Quran either are ‘MOHKAM’, which means they are over there for ever and nothing and nobody can change them, like every thing has been said about God. Apart from MOHKAMAT, there are many laws called MOTESHABEHAT that mostly are governing laws of our daily life. These laws according to time and society can be interpreted and according to the situation, they are changeable as long as their changes does not contradict any MOHKAM law.

            the other issue was ‘NASEKH and MANSOOKH’. It meant , there are some laws in Quran, which they have been there for an especial situation and have changed or rejected or neutralised by other laws which have, came later. The new law is NASEKH and the old one is MANSOOKH.

            As a result of these understanding I could persuade my self that those laws and saying of Quran, which according my liberal understanding are reactionary and backward, especially issues concerning women and punishments and . . . are the ones that had to be abolished and have been practicable and even progressive for the era of prophet himself and not now in twenty century. But the main question was who is able to recognise and announce which law is MOHKAM and which one is MOTASHABEH. Which one is NASEKH and which one is MANSOOKH. The answer was Progressive expert of Islam. This was supposed to be the job of our own Ayatollah. They supposed to be not only expert in Islam, but in modern science and understanding of the time, to be able to interpret Quran correctly and make it practicable. Perhaps up to certain time they were, they had to learn different branch of philosophy and science, but unfortunately, time for them in an era had stopped and still they are learning about Greek philosophy and middle age science of Arabs and European.

            Now according to the modern interpretation of Shari’ati and Talaghani and Bazargan and eventually Mojahedin, I could see new face of Islam fully compatible with modern knowledge and understanding of human kind. Not only it wasn’t contradicting modern science including evolution, or modern behaviour of mankind like respect for human rights. But it was claiming that it is more complex, complete, compatible, And Democratic than any other ideology in modern world, and is able to answer many questions other ideologies including Marxism are not able to answer. So once more I was able without any hesitation to defend Islam and wholeheartedly call myself Moslem.

            The other book that equally in different direction was very important and taught me a lot was a very small and tiny book called: ‘BARRESSI EMKAN ENHERAF MARKAZYAT DEMOCRATIC, YA TAFAVOT SHAK ALMI VA GHIER ALMI’. In short this book was teaching us about organisation of Mojahedin, what are the principals of their organisation, what is right of every body in this kind of organisation which is called: “centralised democracy.” When and where can we think and have our own doubt and questions and where and when we should obey and learn and stand against our doubts. We were told that this shape of organisation is a scientific form of any revolutionary organisation.

            As it was explained in first few pages of the book. To accept and believe in something, one has to understand and accept contents and shape of it at the same time. Content without right shape can do harm instead of good and right shape and wrong content is harmful as well. The simple example was: “how ever thirsty you are, you never can have the most refreshing water in a sieve. On the other hand glass of oil, although the shape is right, can make you more thirsty than killing your thirst.” Now that I could see myself as believer of the content of the ideology of Mojahedin, it was equally important to understand and accept the shape of their organisation. According to this book their organisation was based on two main element: ‘Centralisation’ and ‘Democracy’. It was said that one of these two without the other one was impracticable, as the first one without the second one was changing the organisation into a despotic type of organisation. On contrary, having the second one without the first, could change it into a Bourgeois Liberal type of organisation, not a revolutionary or a Moslem one. How this two contradictory element can work together was explained as respecting the seven golden rule. Most important one of them were: -To recognise the vanguard of the organisation as the one who is more experienced and capable to lead the organisation. - Brotherly trust that exist in the organisation; in any conflict and doubt one has to look to the problem from this angle, in simple word contrary to our relation with others outside of the organisation, inside everything should be based on trust rather than doubt. - Scientific doubt rather than spontaneous and illogical one. It meant if one feel a doubt about an action or decision of a person especially a ‘masoul’ in the organisation, before doing any thing about it, One has to examine it and see if the doubt is a scientific one, it meant if it is based on some clear facts rather than feelings or guessing. ‘unscientific doubt’ as I found later, was one of the taboos for me and many more that stopped us to do or say anything about many wrong doings of the organisation. - self-criticism and criticising others. one has to think about his own action and thought and criticise himself periodically as he has to criticise wrong doings of others accordingly. The most famous example in this respect was that: “General Giap( the famous general of Vietnam in their struggle against French) saying, that in the hottest point of the Din-Been-Phu battle they were not forgetting two things, one study of ideology and the second one self criticism and criticising others.” - the most important of the seven was the relationship of two elements of organisation, democracy and centralisation, according to that this is the right of members to ask question, while some of them for different reason might not be answered, also this is their right to suggest things especially where they are expert. then central committee will gather all information and questions in different respect and decide about them accordingly and will announce it to the members, as a result everybody will find out about right or wrongs of their suggestions and also answer to their questions.

            Although later some times for the benefit of outsiders and kind of proof that organisation is a democratic one, we had some sham elections; from the beginning this was our understanding that voting is a meaningless liberal bourgeois method. After all who is better to judge competence of people for different job than the one who is more expert than others namely vanguard of the organisation? As a result opposite to Liberal organisations, nominating of people for different post from beginning was from top to bottom. - The another principal, which was important was the definition of the ‘right to know organisational information’. Again opposite to Liberal organisations, which one has every right to know everything about the organisation except some secrets that have to be specified why they are secret; in this kind of organisation one has only rights of knowing things relate to him and his responsibility in the organisation. Soon we learned that answer to many of our questions were: “there is no need for you to know about this matter.” As a whole the most important element in the organisation was Ideological merit of individuals. The one, which always could be measured from top and could be redefined according to the wish and understanding of vanguard of the organisation.

            There were few other books we had to read and learn including history of the organisation, few political books of the organisation. How to understand and study the ideology of the organisation. We were told that in ideology one should not search for ‘how’, but he has to concentrate on ‘why’. For example one should not ask how the twelfth Imam (i.e. Imam Zaman) could live for more than thousand years, but why there must be a man like him. We were told that he will show himself when the extent of misery of people and oppression is as much as people cannot save themselves and need extra ordinary help. This is called the philosophy of hope, which according to that what ever happens and whatever despotic rulers of the society be, the eventual victory is for good and right. The funny question was that if oppression and extent of it is the answer for his appearance; then oppression is not very bad after all. On the other hand, in this case we can be sure that Mojahedin never win or even if they do either they will be overthrown, or they become oppressor as well. Otherwise Imam will not appear at all. The answer was. This is not the quantity of oppression that is important but its quality; certainly it is going to be less inhumane as time goes on, but at the same time it will change into more complex form to be recognised easily. Exploitation now is more humane compare to Slavery era, but more complex and difficult to realise and resist against. We were told in Ideological work and research, a revolutionary must have an objective and line of thinking. One should not surrender himself to his doubts and unscientific and imaginary or even irresponsible-intellectual questions.

            Eventually there was a book titled: “how to think.“ Again in this small tiny book we were thought how to think scientifically, and avoid ‘intellectual’, anti revolutionary thinking.

            Apart from these books every week we had to read Quran and learn how to read it, which was very difficult for me and I never could learn how to do that.

            At the end every week we had to read the weekly Mojahed and discuss about different articles of the paper.

            During first few months of 1980 Mojahedin had few crowded elections gatherings, including one in Tehran University with attendance of more than two hundred thousand people. One in Rasht capital of northern province of Gilan, with 300,000 people, in Tabriz capital of northwest province of Azerbaijan. In all these meetings Rajavi was the main speaker. His speech mostly was concentrating on revealing the activities of reactionaries and shortcomings of the regime in struggle against America. He was very able speaker, rarely one could not listen to him while he was speaking. He knew how to speak emotionally, how and when to speak loudly and cry, or say things very quietly, how to show modesty, and be as humble as possible. Although in the beginning many supporters like me were thinking that organisation is not centred around just one person and there are many in central committee equal or almost equal to each other. Soon organisation and Rajavi himself were showing that his position is different than any body else. Before his nomination for presidency, we were thinking him as speaker of the organisation rather than leader or any thing like that. But after his nomination, we were sure that he and Mussa Khiabani are different from others and are highest-ranking members of the organisation. Now sometimes we could see his picture or his wordings on top of the organisation’s papers. The place normally reserved for most important issues and words.

            In any meeting two very large picture of Khomieni and Talaghani far right and left were hanged and in the middle, pictures of three founders of the organisation. In the beginning it was not customary of carrying pictures of alive Mojahedin, but in election time this custom was changed and from then onward carrying Rajavi and Khiabani posters and latter only Rajavi ones became customary of the meetings and gatherings. Also in the beginning hailing individuals was not customary. And as matter of fact we were hating supporters of Shah during his era or Reactionaries for hailing Shah and Khomieni and making them God like person. In Mojahedin’s meetings, some times one could hear slogan of “DROAD BAR BRADAR MOJAHED” (hail to Mojahed brother), without naming any body. But gradually it changed into “DROAD BAR RAJAVI” (hail to Rajavi) . Still as a whole there was no sign in that could imply the organisation is anything but the most democratic and freedom loving organisation which we ever had seen in whole history of Iran.

            During the parliament’s elections, most of the speeches and communiqué and news of the Mojahed was about monopolising tactics of reactionaries, their fraud in elections, different letters of complain and questions to Khomieni and Banisadr. They wanted to show who is real power and oppressor in the country and how oppressed and innocent Mojahedin are.

            According new generation view, unlike the old ones and universal norms, weak were right, oppressed were right, and killed and martyred were right. Oppressor, winner, rich and powerful ones were wrong. It didn’t much matter who says what. Although in our view, whatever regime was sayings was reactionary and Mojahedin’s one were progressive one. As a whole we were reached to the point that even if some where and some how the former one was right and later one wrong we were not noticing it and perhaps it was not any more important for us as we passed the era of judging and deciding, doubting and examining, testing and selecting. We all made our choice and after that it didn’t really much matter who says what!

            During this era most of the news of Mojahed was about attack of the ‘reactionaries’, club wielders and Heazbollahies against Mojahedin supporters, bases and centres.

            Mojahed, fifth Feb. 1980: “Arrest and torture of three sympathisers of organisation after Mojahedin’s meeting in university of Tehran”

            Mojahed, Feb. 1980: “Attack of club wielders against the centre of Mojahedin in Karaj.” - “Attack to Talaghani Book shop in Alighodarz, injuring and putting on fire a child and an old man.” . - “killing of four leaders of Turkmen people. (members of Feda’ian organisation )” . . . . . .

            We were reading these news with hate and anger. we were not able to do anything about them and still we had to defend Islamic Republic as it was under attack from US. and we had to put large Photograph of Khomieni in our meetings while all of us were feeling that he is solely responsible for all these miseries.

            On top of our own suffering we were hearing news about suffering of Kurdish people, how revolutionary guards have attacked them and how many have been killed. We were under question from left why are we silent about it? why aren’t we do any thing about it. They were criticising us as moving toward Liberalism and right. Articles of the paper apart from having some political and ideological and historical lessons, were mostly about reactionaries, their ideology, their type of Islam, their type of populism, their class base . . . This was the way Mojahedin were answering beatings of reactionaries and I believe it was as painful for them as their beatings for us. Once Behashti the most important mullah of the Islamic republic party and mastermind of the reactionaries and revolutionary council said: “club is not only made from wood. if they are beating you(Mojahedin) with wooden club, you are doing it with your writings. Don’t beat them with that and save yourselves from being beaten by wood!” These words made us happy and angry at the same time. Happy as we could see pain they are suffering while we are not permitted to answer back. and angry of how dare he compare these two with each other while writing was legal and our democratic right and beating was illegal and inhumane.

            Each weekend all four of us(i.e. council members of our society in northeast) had to go to Leeds to have meeting with Mohsan. We along ten other council members from other regions, during our stay there had to read all news of all papers about Iran and American activities around the world, translated in our regions by our supporters; correcting and rewriting them, preparing two booklet one in Farsi and another in English to be sent to Iran for the mother organisation. This job in short was called ‘News of Iran’ job. Mohsan had his own way of making us more revolutionary, Suffering hardship, was his method, working on the floor instead of using table and chairs, rough sleep, rough and improper eating were part of his education. I admit it was giving us some sense of satisfaction and relieve, as we were feeling guilty comparing our situation with our brothers and sisters in Iran. But working on the floor for hours most of the time usually would leave us with back ache rather than solving any problem from the resistance.

            I was not used to speak about my own family problems with others, every body was thinking that we are rich and don’t have financial problem. While our financial situation was bad and was getting worse every day. Eventually we had to sell different things to solve our problem. First we sold our carpet and then our car and so on. I remember when Mohsan asked why did I sell my car? I didn’t tell him, because of our financial problem; I told him: “well it was part of my bourgeois past which had to go” Now without car and living far from university and city centre, we were facing more problem and lack of time. During examination time most of those who were helping us in translating news were not able to work as much as before. while News of Iran had to be prepared as usual. As a result, Anna and I had to do the job of others as well as ours. Some how I was feeling most of the things we read and translate are useless, there were some newspapers valueless with few thousand circulation. So what ever their news, they couldn’t have any political significance. Some of the news about African or Latin American countries, although were about activities of Imperialism in those countries, but I had much doubt if anybody ever is going to read them. Whatever was in my mind. By now I had learned not to say or complain about amount them as they could be compared to the sacrifices of Militia in Iran.

            One day we heard there is going to be a seminar of members of the Mss in the city of Essen of Germany, and we had to be there. This was our first experience as a family travelling and living in the commune of Mojahedin. There were about two hundred people from different countries, some married and with children like us. It was quite an experience for all of us. Although Anna had not decided yet to have Islamic dress, but during our stay there she had to have scarf all the time. Most of the time and almost in all activities men and women were separated, they were sitting in different columns from each other in the conference room. When there were job to do including cooking or washing, some times it was brothers turn to do the job and some times ‘sisters’. Well for us with our background, some of the customs were reminding us about culture of reactionaries. Soon we realised not all of the customs we supposed are reactionaries are bad and as matter of fact they are Islamic and had to be respected all the time. So after all, we found out we were wrong, thinking that there is nothing shared between Mojahedin and Reactionaries, we could see at least in customs and culture there are many things shared between them; completely opposite to our own bourgeois and western culture.

            Although we didn’t know most of the people present there but good thing was the sense of relation, love and tendency we could feel we have toward each other, immediately after introduction. As long as we could feel every body there is a supporter of Mojahedin, they could be called brother and sister and we could trust them as brothers and sisters. In that gathering we could feel sense of belonging, sense of power, sense of sharing sadness, happiness, problems, and wealth. Unity and caring for others. Sense of paying and giving instead of taking and receiving. Some kind of feeling that only could be seen during the revolution era, now vanishing and substituting with old behaviour topped with hatred.

            Over there, every few people from different country had prepared some thing to give as a lecture in different subject, from history to politic, from ideology to sociology. Every society had something prepared except us as till last moment we were busy preparing ‘News of Iran’. Lectures given by different supporters from different countries were very impressing and we could feel very proud of them.

            Each morning for an hour we had to have exercise in open space; well in very cold weather. Soon I found out being revolutionary does cost me to do things I never in my life had done; including exercise. I felt it is going to be hardest of all at least physically. Exercises were not done individually but collectively and as others, I had to follow the same harmonised actions, while my body was not used to and ready for those activities. I was very ashamed as well as tired and exhausted, as I was not able to follow every body in the same manner. Few times I could see and feel meaningful look and smile of others. As a result of those exercises in cold early mornings, I caught a very bad influenza and had to lie in bed, in special room prepared for ill. Over there I found Brother Reza, one of three founders of the Mss abroad, he was a man in his late thirties, we knew him and other two founders as the only Mojahedin members outside of the country, so they were very valuable asset for us. He was symbol of Mojahedin, Gentle, polite, kind, patient, always with smile, understanding, educated, . well lucky for me, as both of us had that bad flu we had to company each other for next day or two. Once while we were talking, I told him about my weaknesses, which I never can be a Mojahed as I am not able to endure hardship and suffering as a Mojahed. he asked me to give him an example. As an example and the most difficult one I could think of, I told him about, stories of tortures endured by the martyrs of Mojahedin, especially as in Talaghani case, rapping of his daughter in front of his eyes. He asked me, “Who wants to torture you?!”, “do you have anything hiding, any valuable information, which one might want to know?!” When he saw my smile, he added: “look for being a Mojahed you shouldn’t think about torture and martyrdom, yes you should know they could be part of our struggle against unjust and dictatorship. but when you reach to the point of holding any valuable information or responsibility, be sure before that you have been reached to the point or readiness for any kind of sacrifices. His words were decisive, strong but mild and gentle, I was feeling relived, and assuring. These few words were very valuable and I carried them with myself during rest of my organisational life. I learned as I have to see the future and mentally be prepared for that but materially all the time I have to be prepared for only next step ahead. If I start worrying about preparation for final steps I never will find the courage to take the first step. By now, I felt close enough to tell him some of my immediate problems; however simple and primitive they were. When he heard about our lack of time. He showed me a surprise face and asked me about length of time which we spend for preparation of ‘News of Iran’? when I told him, he was more surprised, and told me he didn’t know about that. He said when Mohsan told us you can do that job, we were assured by him that it can be done without rising any problem.

            Next when Mohsan came to see him. He asked him why are we not having any thing prepared for the conference?! Mohsan jokingly looked at me and said “well you have to ask Masoud” Reza laughed and said: “it seems all of you are too busy with preparation of news of Iran that you cannot do anything else! is that true?!” He answered back, well it is time consuming. Later I found out it was not only me complaining about what we were doing, and in the past Reza had other complains as well and they were not very happy from what Mohsan was doing in the north. They thought by putting more pressure on us he wants to show-off himself and his ability more than anything else, especially as our job was going straight to Iran and perhaps straight to Rajavi himself.

            Later Reza asked me if we have had any election? It was strange question for me as I thought Mojahedin don’t believe in election. He told me: “you are not Mojahed, Mss is a sympathiser organisation outside of the country, most of you, more or less have the same ability and are in the same situation, according to the constitution of the society you have to have election for choosing members of the council of each branch” Well I was very happy to see after all whatever I was thinking was right, were not from my liberal tendencies and some of them are recognised by the members of Mojahedin too.

            Once when there was a meeting over there. In question time, some of the supporters from France asked a question about past history of Mojahedin, which I didn’t understand it very well. Perhaps I was not listening at all, and was sank in my own thinking. Anyway it didn’t take more than few second that I had to wake up and listen to what is going on. As I heard shouting and crying of Reza. It was unbelievable for me to see how that gentle man can be as angry, as he was. Immediately after him it was Hussein turn, another member of Mojahedin and founder of the organisation to start arguing and shouting. Now everybody else except them were death-silent and surprised. So it was not only me who couldn’t understand what is going on. They were accusing those who asked questions as pseudo left and supporters of those who were responsible of coup in the organisation. I was wondering how they reached to this conclusion?! I was more surprised as I was expecting different kind of reaction toward ourselves than reactions usually we could show toward others. I was thinking whatever their question, they had to be answered with patience and kindness. Soon when they wanted to defend themselves, they were asked to leave the conference room and never call themselves as supporter of Mojahedin again. They start leaving the room, while few start swearing at them and the rest of people like me still were under shock of what had happened. Well I felt my disapproval of what I saw was coming from my Liberal tendency and not everything in the organisation are tolerated easily. I learned to be silence if I am not sure of the depth of my questions and doubts.

            In our return to England we heard from Mohsan that preparation of News of Iran has been divided between us and London. Also he told us that we are going to have election. After sometimes Mohsan was transferred to London and somebody else in London became our Masoul.

            While we were in Germany we found out that fashion of dress of Mojahedin supporters is to have American or German military over coat. As one could see in the new videotapes received from Iran showing Militia’s parade. So soon all of us who still had our bourgeois habit of following the fashion, purchased military over coat and as a result Mojahedin supporters could be recognised from their moustaches and their German or American military overcoats. Normally we were walking together and with similar dresses and moustaches were attracting attentions toward ourselves. Although first it was rather embarrassing, but soon we got used to it and even proud of it. Once a member of CID who thought as I am director of our society in the university, I am responsible of Mojahedin as well came to our house, and asked me some questions about our activities, one of his question was if that overcoat is our uniform and how while we are so much against US. our uniform is American military overcoat!?

            Receiving the first and second series of Mojahedin songs, gave us another way of showing our unity and brother hood. Now we could remember them and wherever we could, we were chanting them or were singing them collectively. Sang like: “MOJAHED, MOJAHED, MOJAHED, BAH FARMAN YAZDAN KHOOD MOJAHED, MOJAHAD, MOJAHAD, VAFA KOAN BAH PYMAN KHOOD . . . BAH AZM GRAN VA BAH KOAN RAVAN BAH KHASHMI KHROSHAN CHOO ATASH-FASHAN . BAH AHDAT VAFA KOAN, NABARDI BAH PA KOAN, SATAM RA FANA KOAN, ZA BONIAN KHOOD. . . . . . . “ ( Mojahed with the order of your God Mojahed fulfil your oath with strong will, remember the running blood, and roaring anger like volcano, do fulfil your promises, start a battle, destroy the tyranny, from its root . . . ). There were tens of different song, chant and anthem and even folk songs, including one for Sadatti who still without any trail was in the prison of the regime. Soon we received more song and books . they made us very wealthy compare to the supporters of other organisation. Our dress code, our singing, books and literature we had, and more than every thing else our unity and brotherhood were very attractive and most of Iranian students had some sort of sympathy and respect toward us. Always we were able to let them know the latest news and interpretation of events. we were very disciplined, polite, helpful, kind. and as a whole were trying hard to be symbol of a Mojahed in our city, to give people some idea about mother organisation in Iran.

            Among other things we used to receive from Iran, we gradually were receiving books of speeches of Rajavi in university of Tehran. Called ‘TABYYAN JAHAN’ ( explain of universe or existence ). These were print of series of lectures by him explaining our view about creation of world and existence. Aim and object of creation and its eventual. As it was said Khomieni after his meeting with Rajavi and Khiabani, asked them to organise some lectures and explain their Islamic point of view and let every body know, they are Moslem and not Marxist. As a result Rajavi was lecturing in university of Tehran and at the same time Khiabani had some Ideological lectures about Twelfth Imam of Shia’a sect and the philosophy of his thousand years absence.

            From Rajavi’s lectures we could learn very interesting new things about Islam, now we could see how they are interpreting the story of creation. Including that Adam wasn’t the name of first human as we used to think, but first prophet, and perhaps first human who reached to the point of understanding the creator. Moving from heaven to earth wasn’t a physical move but a mental one, and it meant after awareness, people couldn’t live in animal form any more. Though some how it was like living in heaven as there was no war, no greed, no exploitation and many other things came with awareness. Creation of world in seven days didn’t mean seven twenty-four hours, but seven period, each millions of years. Hence we could see according to these new interpretation there is no contradiction between stories of Quran and new science and understanding of evolution of mankind. Then there were new definition and understanding for five basic principal of Islam:

            -’Twihid’ didn’t mean just as we were told that: “God is one and only one” , but It meant Monism in everything, in society meant equality of all mankind and end to class or colour or race and . . . discriminations. As well as that it meant monism in history, monism in existence . . . and eventually monism of man with himself.’

            -’Nabovat’ our second principal didn’t mean just: “Mohammed is prophet of God and the last one’. But on top of that, it meant that mankind for progress and going from animal nature, toward reaching to God and becoming ‘God like’, has to have guides first from God through Prophets and after them from our Imams, which meant another principal of the Shia’a sect: ‘Imamat’, the third principal. This principal is our main difference with other sect of Islam. In past we knew it as believing in Ali as true successor of Prophet, and his descendants after him. According to this interpretation it was source of many question for people like me as we were thinking why should this idea be so important, while not solving any problem, is destroying the unity of Moslems. Now with Mojahedin’s interpretation we could see the importance of this principal. According to that, Leadership of a Moslem Society doesn’t obtain all its legitimacy and rights from the vote of people. One has to realise that leading the society has two different bases, one of them is right and vote of people and another one is as it is called: ‘Hadayat’ (guides) from God and prophet and after him our Imam and true Mojahedin. Still with this interpretation there were many unanswered questions as we believe the true Islam believes in absolute democracy, solely based on principal of ‘Free Will’, the vote of people and rule of people over people through ‘Councils’. Prophet as it is very clear in Quran was the last Guide and messenger with mission from God. As it was recognised by God that people are now mature enough to be master of their destiny. After Prophet, whatever was prophet’s advice, Good or bad, people decided to choose Abobakr as his successor and every body including Ali, accepted the vote of majority. Ali showed the same respect for the vote of people after Abobakr by accepting Omar and Osman as leader of Moslems. Ali wasn’t chosen by God, if he was; he had no right to surrender to anybody or anything including ‘vote of people’; by then leadership was not a job but a responsibility from God that nothing could stand between Ali and God’s order. If it was the ‘‘prophet’s advice’, people had the right of rejecting it as they had done it several times while he was alive and he himself surrendered to it as well; in this case we have no argument, if we do, we are contradicting not the people of that era, but Ali, the prophet and God with right of free will given to human beings. Other sect of Islam argue our brand of Islam is our own interpretation according to our own political interest. As at the time Ali was for equality between Arab and non Arab Moslems, and afterward we wanted to differentiate ourselves from other Moslems who were under the rule of Caliphate. Some go further and claim; we have mixed Islam, with our custom of having kings and idea of inheritance, also with the Greek philosophy of mixing vote of people with having a wise man on top of the leadership council.

            -’ Moa’ ad’ , the fourth principal didn’t mean just there is heaven and hell and after our death we are going to either of them. It meant believing in principal of responsibility of mankind, unlike animals as we can think and understand, have free will to decide to be good or bad; we are responsible and have to answer for whatever we are doing.

            The last principal, which again is one of the principals recognised only by the Shia’a, is ‘Adel’, means God is just, but again it is like first principal as there is a monism in the universe in all different aspect of life, God is monotheist in acting against human kind and in all events as a whole so is just. It means all principals that exist in the universe including laws of physics and . are effecting any beings equally, without any prejudice.

            The final question answered in those lectures, was the aim of creation? The answer was: ‘Evolution’. moving from nothing toward point of ‘KHODA GOANEGY or LAGHAOO’LLA ‘. ‘God like’. In this way there were new definition for everything, Bad and Good , right and wrong. ‘bad’ are things that their time is past, simplest example could be behaviour of a child, what child do is good and nice for a child that even has to be encouraged, but the same behaviours for an adult, is bad and even punishable. So good are things which are according to time and forward in time. With believe in evolution one could see everything in new light. Empty from superstitious and completely compatible with science.

Elevation of Rajavi

Well Rajavi’s speech in university was very important in introducing Mojahedin’s believes to the new educated generation and significant factor in attracting them toward the organisation. These speeches as well as attracting new sympathisers for the organisation; they were very important in introducing Rajavi himself to everybody that again was very important for the role he was going to play in the future. His picture in the paper while he was presenting a rifle to Arafat who was very respectful among Iranian, was a special picture for us and many of us put it on our room’s wall. There were wordings of Rajavi in the paper wording like, “we and people are like fish and water, our existence depends to people as fish’s existence depends to water. “or in another issue there was his picture on the top of the paper and close to that, these words: “Tell them do whatever you want, sitting in the dark bend points of the path of evolution, waiting for sun, to make it prison, to kill it and sank it in the blood. But tell them sun even in the prison is a sun.”

            The final word for state of Rajavi in the organisation came from Abbas Davari one of the old members of the organisation and one of rare member with proletariat background. He said: “when in prison of Shah we heard Masoud (Rajavi ) is not going to be executed, I was with Saeid Mohsan ( one of three member founders of the organisation who was executed by the Shah’s regime.) . He told me to tell Masoud that <I send my regard, your responsibility is a huge one, and you are the only remainder of central committee, who is going to be alive. All experience of the organisation will be materialised in you. You have to carry the historical consignment, which at this juncture of history has passed to you. You are going to see many adventures and events, and you will face different conspiracy and trouble. In future all will praise us as martyrs. But as I know, you will continue your struggle, you are going to enter new era, in much higher position than where we were. (if we were martyred once,) you are going to be martyred every day and every hour, yes you are going to be an living martyr.>.”

            As Mojahedin were trying to show where Rajavi stands in the organisation, ‘reactionaries’ were trying to undermine him. They issued a booklet called ‘Monafegh aval’ ( the first hypocrite), claiming he was saved from execution by the Shah’s regime as he start collaborating with Savak. Later contents of this book was answered by the Mojahedin in their paper and what was left was more hate for the reactionaries and more popularity for Rajavi.

            The ‘Cultural Revolution’, avoiding a ‘premature’ civil war.

            After first month of Iranian New Year, we faced new big step of reactionaries toward monopolising every thing. An event was called by them as second or third revolution and named similarly ‘cultural revolution’ as Mao of china called it: .

            Universities since its origination in Iran, were always centre of politics and resistance against tyranny. After CIA coup against Mossadeq first uprising was from university’s students as first martyrs were. University students were forefront of the revolution. So nobody had this right or power to stop students involving themselves in politics. Unfortunately after the revolution like other institutions and the Iranian society as a whole. pre revolution unity among students was vanished. Now they were divided in several different political societies. Each supporting different political organisation. Most important of all were Islamic societies supporters of the regime as a whole and mainly supporter of new established Islamic Republic party; in short for us, they were reactionaries. Against them the most powerful were Moslem student societies, supporters of Mojahedin. Apart from them there were societies supporting Feda’ian, or one of the tens of new established smaller Marxist organisations. As these organisations in almost all universities had their own offices and sometimes different facilities including printing machines and material, what ever was happening out side of the universities they were able to continue their activities within the safe walls of the universities. This was as we used to say an arrow in the eyes of reactionaries. Islamic societies after hostage taking were getting more aggressive and by now they were as powerful as were able to dismiss any lecturers or even president of a university with allegation of being collaborators with old Savak or US. In minor cases they were accused of being ‘GHARB ZADEH’ (pro western culture) after teachings of Al-Ahmed (famous Iranian writer of Shah era) .

            In March 1980, Khomieni in his New Year message mentioned that universities have to be cleaned of saboteur elements. Following him within first month of new Iranian year one by one, all leaders of Islamic Republic Party one by one talked about Cultural Revolution in the universities. This was enough to encourage students to capture universities one by one and start of fight among students of different universities. Khamenai the speaker of the revolutionary council, in Friday pray gave three days notice to all students to leave university’s premises, otherwise . . . . Following this ultimatum universities were going to be under attack by not only students and Heazbollahies but most probably ordinary people, who certainly were going to obey the revolutionary council’s order. Hence MSS (supporters of Mojahedin) announced that they are living the premises in all universities. But supporters of other organisations remained in universities to defend their right with all their might. As a result there was bloody attack on all universities. During those days every day and even hour we were hearing about attacks, and killings of students while still three days ultimatum given by Khamenai was not ended. In university of Tehran, 500 were injured and at least five death, university of Ahvaz 700 injured and at least seven death, university of Gilan, seven death, university of Shiraz, 600 hundred injured and fifty houses were ruined . . . as a whole thousands of students were injured and hundreds were arrested and many were killed. As we heard day before end of ultimatum. Mojahedin asked Banisadr to help students and with his mediation, students could be saved. It was end of an era, free political activities of students in universities. The job, Shah with his powerful and horrendous Savak and the University’s Guards, rifles and prison, within almost twenty-five years, couldn’t do; new regime when students were not united any more and didn’t have support of the people, did in a single month.

            So-called Cultural Revolution was the source of a new arguments and quarrel among students abroad. We as supporters of Mojahedin were under accusation of being rightist, leaning and surrendering ourselves and even collaborating with the regime. Left students were claiming that if we were not leaving the universities; things could change differently.

            Parallel to attacking universities, reactionaries in this new atmosphere were more than ever encouraged to attack Mojahedin bases in different cities. Important centres of Mojahedin in large cities like Shiraz and Mashed were attacked. Even when American helicopters landed in north east of Iran and it was very probable Iran being attacked by American, the main concern of reactionaries was how to get rid of Mojahedin and the remainder of existing freedom in the country. Very openly they were saying if America is the great Satan, Mojahedin are the great traitors. Every day we were receiving these news and as a result we could grieve, cry, became angry and bang our head and fist on the wall. We were hateful of the reactionaries and the regime itself more than ever, but at the same time we were not able to do any thing at all, as there was possibility of American invasion of our country. By now We were not able to defend the revolution any more, when I was questioned by my university room mate Kame who was Bah’aie about arrest and murder of few Bah’aie, I didn’t know what to say except keep silent. Some times I was more under question from everywhere as I was related to the president of the republic; in many people’s eyes, he was one of the responsible of keeping American hostages in the captivity. usually people were not able to differentiate different factions of the regime and could not realize that he has no power in any serious affairs.

            After some times Parvin who was going to lose her eyesight as a result of attack of Reactionaries on Labour day was send to Britain by the organisation and we could see her and her father and receive first hand information about what was happening in Iran. Their strong moral, their will power, their courage, were very encouraging for us. A young girl who was going to lose her eyesight, but was not prepare to forget her smile and her hopeful sight of future. And an old poor man who could talk with us for hours about his sufferings with smile and joke. He was telling us that “In new year Parvin asked me how much do I want to spend for her as New Year present? I told her 350 Toman, she asked me if I can give it as cash to her? I supposed she wants to buy things with her own taste. while later I found out that she has given that money and all of her savings to poor people of Arab’s Goad.” He was telling us that how they were attacked. He said, They were not permitted to answer back and had to be beaten without showing any reaction the only thing they could do, was to wear as much as possible to be able to suffer those beatings and some times if they could afford, to have a helmet for saving their heads. He told us even if he was losing Parvin, he was proud of it and was ready to distribute sweet in her funeral. I could imagine the Heazbollahies attacks from my previous experience, when we were in Iran. But I was wondering if I was ready to lose Anna or Sarvy as Parvin’s father was claiming. My answer was no. I couldn’t imagine their death. By now it was easy for me to think of my own death or even torture as long as I could feel they are save and nobody is able to harm them. Some time I was planning if I am ordered or asked to go to Iran for fighting, how can I guarantee safety and well beings of those two. I could encourage myself by thinking that they are safe in Britain and My family and my friends, especially Mojahedin are going to look after them and they will live happily.

            Intrigue and provocation of the regime toward final stage.

            On 12 June 1980 Rajavi had his largest audience ever and his last public speech in Amajadiyeh Stadium in Tehran. The title of Speech was: “What is to be done?” . His speech was completely different with what ever else we were heard or seen by then. Although we only could see the videotape of his speech later and were not able to witness the greatness of the event itself, still during his few hour speech rarely we could move or even blink. His speech start with some sentences from Quran: “And when they ask those talents who were nipped in the bud and sent untimely to their graves, for what sin they were slain, when the pages of their deeds are laid open.” . “So I do not swear by the stars which retreat in reaction, which fade away and disappear, and the night, which passes and must end, and the morning which breathes forth . . . “ Then with very loud voice and very emotionally he shout: “Every night a star is drawn to the earth, and this sorrowing sky remains drenched with stars.” . . . While there was noise of bullets around the meeting, which clearly meant they are under attack by the revolutionary guards. He emotionally and loudly said: “History will follow its evolving course and, in the end, it will reveal who the oppressor is and who the oppressed. Yes, we shall remember these words of Nasser till eternity. So let the bullets fly! We too, we too, will bare our chests as shields.” He said this while he was pushing his shirt as he was going to make a way for bullets to aim his heart. At this point people while were burning papers to neutralise the effect of teargas bullets thrown by the revolutionary Guards, all stood and start chanting: “Hail to Rajavi” then he continued: “Just who can stand up to this generation of steadfastness and resistance… They cannot be overcome, just as dark night cannot dominate the dawn.” Then again a sentence from Quran:.”. and the night, which passes and must end, the morning, which breathes forth.“ Then he continued: “Yes, indeed, our stars burn in full determination to bring a new plan into the socio political firmament. A plan where there are no distinctions of class no exploitation, no ignorance, nor repression, no bonds of oppression. Isn’t this indeed, what the revelations of the Prophet were all about? . . . Just listen to what Father Taleqani says: <the prophet who came to tell people what is enjoined and what is forbidden, was the same prophet who came to make lawful for the people all the virtuous things, which were condemned by the religions of the past, and to lift off the bonds and make unlawful all that is vile.>.” . Then he calmly start praying to God: “Our God, accept us, for verily all seeing and all knowing. Al mighty God , let us be accepted by you. these heads and eyes and hands. verily, you are all seeing and all knowing.“ Then he start reading a moving Palestinian poem: “In the name of a God who rends the oppressor asunder . An old man who does not weep nor mourn nor sorrow, Ceaselessly uttering, do not grieve, do not grieve. My child is martyred, my child is martyred. with his own blood, he has opened the way to immortality. And I am blessed, and I am blessed. I raised him for such a day . . . This is the way that is eternally proud. In the name of the life, never grieve. The down is night, growing out of the sacred struggle: the down is night, growing out of the wounds suffered in loving service and out of the eyes of fait. the dawn will break and victory is near at hand.” . Then another sentence from Quran:.” and the night, which passes and must end, and the morning which breathes forth.” Then he continued: “Now, tell them to fire away! Yes, you mothers and fathers, do not grieve! The club wielding hoodlums, the guardians of the night, will be rooted out. but let me ask, let me just ask what with all these fine talents, these blossoms nipped in their prime. let me ask, “For what sin were they slain?” (a Quran verse), what sin indeed? Clergymen of the religious law, dignitaries of the government, members of parliament, tradesmen, merchants of the Bazaar, journalists of the press and the broadcasting services, you say you are in the line of the revolution, why then do you remain silent? Does this constitution which we have , not guarantee freedom of expression and freedom of association for whatever group or society?” . . . “If those who, in the words of Father Taleqani, have opened the way of the jihad of Islam and devoted themselves to the school of the Quran, are not to be considered Moslems, then step up and give us a proper definition of a Moslem! Although equality and justice in Islam does not distinguish between Moslem and non-Moslem. But, just the same, you say we are not Moslem. all right, assuming that: aren’t we at least entitled to the privileges of ( recognised religious minorities ) ‘FAYA AJABA’ ( incredible! unbelievable!)” . . . “There is one thing I want to make very plain: that you can be sure that for every Mojahed arm which they break, ten more will appear to take its place. and for every Mojahed eye that they gouge, a hundred eyes will open up to take its place. and for every Mojahed heart, which is torn to pieces, and every head, which is broken, a thousand noble hearts and heads will spring in their places. This is the logic of revolution. This is the logic of evolution. this is the logic of Islam and the way of God and the way of the people. Is it not stated in Quran that, “like the grain, each of which brings forth seven ears, each of which contains a hundred grains, and God gives abundance to whom He will, for God is the Expander All knowing.” . . . and finally after he made some quotation to what Khomieni had said before about freedom and numbering the problems, which country and people were facing, he finished his speech by these shocking and moving words: “What response can we give? Haven’t we torn our society enough to pieces? Mr. President, Messrs. Members of the Revolutionary council, Messrs. Members of Parliament, They(Mojahedin sympathisers) are asking us why after getting no results from our complaints, we have fallen silent. What response can we give? What can we do ? What is to be done? There is an element, which wants to turn Iran into another Turkey (i.e. where by then the government of Turkey was suppressing the Left and Kurds alike). It may become a Lebanon , but we warn that in a Lebanese experience the revolutionary forces are not the real losers. Let us remind you of Ali’s ( Imam Ali ) when he said the day of revenge of the oppressed is harsher than the cruelty of the oppressor towards the oppressed. This is the response, which we give to those who use the occasions of public assembly, of religious congregation, to openly declare that if one day we should come into conflict, “we will throw them meaning the Mojahedin into the Caspian sea or into the Gulf. Our reply to them is simply, gentlemen, just make sure you don’t just sink down into the quicksand of imperialism in the process, let alone thinking of throwing us into the Gulf.”

            His message was very clear for us, in one sentence he warned the reactionaries to watch the day that Mojahedin answer back their attack and their bolt. He warned every body that Iran is becoming another Lebanon, where different factions had their own arms and armies and all were fighting each other. while paralysed army was looking at the scene without being able to do any thing about destruction of the country. Was it that our nightmare which was going to come, did we have to witness destruction of whole country morally and materially?!

            Obviously his speech was the sharpest and the most threatening one against the regime. Clearly they could predict that is going to push the regime, even more toward final stage, perhaps a ‘civil war’. A war, which in our view was unavoidable and after hearing his speech, we felt, Mojahedin are not avoiding it anymore. Perhaps they felt they are ready for that and were welcoming it.

            Whatever was happening inside of the meeting was one thing and what was happening out side of the meeting was another thing. The meeting had permission of the Police and they were guarding the scene to make sure nothing happens. But after attack of club wielders, revolutionary guards of central committee came apparently to help Police while really they came to help Heazbollahies. As a result many were injured and one very young Mojahedin supporter Mustafa Zakeri was killed. Difference between this incident and pervious one was that, the head of Police, Deputy of ministry of state, ‘Mir-salim’, which was close associate to President Banisadr in an interview reviled that who did attack first. and what were the actions of revolutionary Guard. he announced that police was in complete control of the event till revolutionary guards came with their tear gases and bullets. As his interview and some scene of the meeting and incidents outside of the meeting were shown in the state Television. Some members of Parliament those with link to Banisadr condemned the action of reactionaries in this incident, which was first in its kind. the most important of all was position of Ahmed Khomieni, Khomieni’s son, who condemned this action and defended the right of people for expressing their ideas freely, he asked that the authorities to put an stop on the activities of club-wielders. His position as many thought might had came from Khomieni himself was very important and brought with itself a lot of hope and joy.

            A week later with the help of Mojahedin, Banisadr in his paper reviled the conspiracy of Islamic Republic Party for his dawn fall. They print the text of speech of one of the party’s mastermind called Ayatt. This revaluation which was obviously work of Mojahedin with intention of creating more animosity between the party and Banisadr, on top of Rajavi’s speech in Amajadiyeh forced Khomieni as was predictable to show strong reaction. Later Mussa Khiabani in his last recorded speech mentioned that: “It was predicated by one of our brothers that Khomieni is not going to be silence any more and will show strong reaction.”.

            Few days later, Khomieni in his Television broadcast speech gave his bitterest and sharpest attack ever against Mojahedin. Without naming he called them Monafaghin, (hypocrite) and said: “the main enemy is neither America nor Soviet Union, our enemy is not nor in west or east. our enemy is here in Teheran close to us. He added that his close relative, (referring to his son’s speech) was wrong and was deceived as some clergies (referring to Taleqani without naming him) were deceived too.”

            Well this was the end of story and legality of Mojahedin. when Khomieni just said I am not going to read Ayandegan (a paper) ended in attack and closure of that paper. everybody could guess what is going to happen to Mojahedin. cleverly immediately without making any position toward this speech of Khomieni, Mojahedin announced that they are closing all their centres around the country and stop publishing their paper. They stopped contacting us abroad and we were left to ourselves.

            A chance to see the reality

            Before we receive the video tape of Rajavi’s speech for some time all three member founders of the Mss were gone back to Iran. when we wanted to show the tape in the Newcastle. I explained to the audience what is tape about and said after seeing it if any body has any question they might ask and we try to answer. During this time Three members of the London section of the Mss who brought us the video tape came to me and asked me, who is going to answer the questions and who gave me the right to announce such a thing. I told them well all of us will be able to answer questions as every thing is very clear. and this was our customs after any meeting to receive questions and answer them back. They asked me don’t say any thing after the end of video show as they have important message for us, not told yet.

            On twenty eight of June they told us that all centres of Mojahedin now are occupied by the revolutionary guards and some how some of the documents of the organisation including names of the members and our contacts are in the regime’s hand. So we have to disconnect ourselves from Iran and be very careful as there might be a telephone call for us under the pretext of the organisation, while they are from regime itself. Then they read us the message of the three founders of the Mss. It was as follow: 1- to disconnect all our telephone and post contacts with the organisation in Iran. 2- if any body calls us from Iran, we should tell them that our Masouls are in Iran and they should talk with them. 3- during summer time we should spend more time in improving ourselves with respect of being more revolutionary. reading and looking back to the events of past few months. . . . - is better we stop our outward activities and concentrate inwardly. - we should act according to the constitution of the Mss. and the most important of all we should look back and see what are the reasons that Mojahedin now are in death-lock. then think about future of the Mss and its positions towards events. - They said they were going to come back as soon as possible and will let us know their own view and what is going on.

            Well this message made us like wood in our seat, we could not move or talk or perhaps breath properly. For some time every body was silence, and even after that we didn’t have any thing serious to tell each other.

            Ebrahim our friend by now was one of the members of the central council in UK. While they were with us I asked him what does he think and told him something fishy is going on and I am not sure this is the whole story that we heard. He told me this is his feeling as well. I promised him to find out what is going on and will let him know when he reaches London. The next day I called my friend Aliraza the one who I could trust more than any body else, by then he was in Tehran and was working in the main centre of Mojahedin. I had his home phone number, so there was no need to call him to the supposed occupied centre of Mojahedin. I knew his voice and nobody could deceive me. I called him and told him about whatever we had heard. He told me what was really happening. He said: “those three, founders of the Mss have had problems for sometime, then after Khomieni’s speech, they raised some unacceptable doubts, as a result, are not members of the organisation any more. He asked me to contact other branches of the organisation and tell them the truth and ask every body to gather together and collectively decide about what to do. He asked me to ask Ebrahim to call a number he gave me for what to be done.

            After contacting Ebrahim we found out it was not only us who felt some thing was wrong and it was general feeling of every body, except two or three people who later became clear that they are closer to the founders of Mss rather than Mojahedin themselves. In week time there was a meeting of all members of Mss in London to decide about what to do against the message and the counter message, which we received from the Mojahedin themselves. According to Mojahedin message the founders of MSS were not contrary to our impression members of the Mojahedin. “They were looking for rank and position and now with this new position of Khomieni have changed their side and now are against the organisation . . . .” As a result we had to choose between them and the Mojahedin. and if we decide to remain supporter of the Mojahedin we had to decide about expelling those three from the MSS. We had to change our constitution accordingly as according to that those three had rights over all decision of the assembly of the Mss. the same position which was reserved in our organisation for vanguard of the movement. while we were talking and discussing what to do Majid one of those two supporters of the founders came and told us to stop arguing as Reza (One of the founder who I had my interesting talk with him) in matter of hours will reach here and we can hear him and then decide. apparently as soon as he was heard that what is going on he had flown from Tehran and he was going to land in `London, any minute. There was nothing to wait for as it was very clear for all of us that the reason of the existence of the MSS was for the support of the Mojahedin. Without having a mother organisation inside of the country, our existence was meaning less. So we didn’t stop discussing our agenda. We were going to decide about The Founders that we saw Reza entering into the room. To respect him all of us stood up. then he sat and start talking when Davood stopped him and asked him to let us to finish our job first, and asked him to leave the room, while we are deciding. He said: “it is not right of you to stop me talking; this is every body’s right to hear me and then decide about whatever they want to do.” while they were arguing Ebrahim came with new message from Mojahedin. He told us: “this is order of the organisation, If you call yourselves supporters of the Mojahedin you should leave the room and not listening to any thing till one member of the organisation arrive; then you might listen to both side equally.” So now we had to choose between remaining supporter of the Mojahedin or listening to Reza. Few start leaving the room. At that point I hesitated, it was strange for me, was not this exactly what we were fighting for, right of people to talk and right of people to listen and decide?! I decided to stay, if I was going to change my mind after listening to him so be it, and if not nobody could say I am not supporter of Mojahedin, as no body has given me a member ship card to ask it back nor any degree or rank. By now almost half of the members had left the room, at this point one of the council members that I respected him very much, came to me and asked me to talk with me outside, when we were outside he and few others start asking me what am I doing. I gave them my reason and read them a sentence from Quran that we have to listen to different arguments and choose the best. They argued that if I am supporters of the Mojahedin or not? I replied “yes” then they said “OK You know the subject of competence and merit, do you think you are competent enough without knowing the whole story especially, the Mojahedin side of it to decide what is right and what is wrong?!” This was my weak point how could I say I am competent enough. then they add that “nobody has taken the right of listening to both side, only we were asked to wait till having the representative of Mojahedin as well” They told me that I am not only responsible for myself but for many more as if I sit many members will sit as well. any way I decided to leave the room. Now I can see this was my first step from rejecting my own principals.

            Few years later after leaving the organisation, I found out their arguments with Mojahedin was not only at that juncture but it was long story. They thought recent Rajavi’s speech was wrong and a leftist act; before organisation be ready to face new situation, pushed it into the position of choosing between making position against Khomieni and preparing themselves for a civil war, or surrendering everything to reactionaries . . . they felt organisation is not democratic and has been monopolised by Rajavi. These were the reasons why they were rejected as ever have been member of the organisation.

            Hail to pseudo left

            One of the criticism of the Mojahedin was that founders of the organisation were ‘right’ (against left) and this rightist view of them has had its effect on everything including our actions outside of the country as we could be more critic of the regime especially reactionaries and even Khomieni himself. Also in our internal relations and behaviour we are liberal and right and not comparable with supporters of the organisation inside of Iran ‘Militia’. As a result being right and liberal became more taboo than ever. From then on every body wanted to show he is more left and radical than others without knowing what one should do to be more left and radical?! Among four different branches of the Mss in Britain, our Newcastle branch as Mohammed and I were leading them and I was the one who was educating everybody, was the most ‘Liberal’ and ‘bourgeois’ one. While the Manchester as they were mostly under influence of Mohsan’s education were the most ‘radical’ and ‘left’ one.

            Once there was a meeting in Manchester, when our council members including Mohammed and I, entered into their base, we were welcomed by being captured and whipped by the host members. While we were surprised and astonished, learned that this is part of their ‘KHOOD SAZY’ (i.e. self improvement) and preparation for being ready for facing Iranian situation. Their philosophy was based on this theory that as we don’t have the club wielder to wipe us we have to do it ourselves. As a result they had whipping for everything, for some body who had not done his responsibility, or not good enough. Or if some body was late in his appointment . . . .

            To fight against Bourgeois and Liberalism they were sleeping rough, and eating rough, for example their lunch was some pasta with spies and tomato pure, they were rarely using meat or fruit. Their method of eating was changed as well. To encourage collectivism instead of individualism, They were not eating individually using plates and sometimes even spoons, instead food was served in a tray and everybody had to try hard to have the food from a try as there was only one tray and sometimes ten people eating from it.

            In our way back we poor ‘Liberals and bourgeois ‘ had to copy some of the things learned in Manchester. I resisted as much as I could, but I could stand only against whipping and it changed into, instead of being ready to be beaten, being ready to defend ourselves. As a result we had to do more exercises and register collectively to learn karate. Our karate class was the funniest of all, twenty of us some women with scarf, with improper dress and unprepared bodies, registered ourselves in a karate class. one can imagine face of our trainer when he faced us in his first training lecture. Well we had to run in circle and jump on each other’s belly, while men avoiding women and women avoiding men. I personally had not had any exercise in my whole life and I believe there were many more like me and now in matter of weeks we had to be fit and trained as a karate men and women! so one can imagine what was going on in our karate class and how much our poor trainer was suffered as a result!

            About eating I was not able to do anything and we were going to copy what we had seen in Manchester. I remember once the representative of Sandanist Government of Nicaragua had a speech in New castle and as he was familiar with the Mojahedin as revolutionaries of Iran, and we were close to Latin American activist, we invited him to have dinner with us. Before that we had discussion if we should change our customs for our guest or not, eventually we decided that he should see us as we are with our left and humble way of living. As a result he had to sit on the floor, which he was not used to it. Eat simple rice from a tray. he was surprisingly looking at us. he didn’t know what should he say or do. He was trying somehow to separate his food from others in a try and eat as little as possible, but his effort was in vain as others were trying jokingly mix their share with his and as a custom of Iranian hospitality pushing him to have more and more.

            By then the base of society was moved from Middle class section of New castle to a poor and rather rough area of the city, and we had to move there as well. Firstly because of financial problem, then, because of problem of transportation. As by then we were spending most of our time in the Society base rather than our own home. I remember when I informed our landlord, about our decision to move, he asked us what is the problem? I told him this is due to not receiving money from home. He was very upset and after discussion with his wife, offered us to stay there and pay the rent whenever we receive some money from Iran. We were very impressed of their humane nature. I remember when I told this to one of our Masouls he said: “Bourgeois always are prepared to impress others by ‘AMAL HASANE’A’ ( good actions ). But revolutionaries have to realise what is the best for the society and act always as ‘AMAL SALEH’ ( the best action not the good one ), even if it implies harming an individual.

            One of our friends who for a year was not studying in Newcastle any more and was transferred to Leeds as close associate of Mohsan, now after sometimes he was back. I could feel and see he has changed greatly. Often I was discussing with him and I could notice that he has learned many things from Mohsan, which I was not so sure if they are really among beliefs and ideology of Mojahedin or Mohsan’s himself as many of his teachings were rejected by Reza who by now himself was rejected by the Mojahedin. When in a seminar I rejected the idea of ‘VLAYAT FAGHIE’A’ (supreme religious guides) as a reactionary one and something that we Mojahedin are totally oppose to it. He told me that it is not right and Mojahedin do accept this idea while under another title and it is an Islamic Idea. He told me that we are against religious leader ship of Khomieni and not the idea as a whole. I could not agree with him at all and jokingly told him if this is so, I don’t think I can be Mojahedin’s supporters any more. If I was more clever, perhaps I could see how correct he was and I could better understand Khomieni’s word after Rajavi’s speech in Amajadiyeh when he said: “PASARAK MEIGOIED MAN RAHBARAM.” ( this lad says “I am the leader” ).

            The other issue was ‘HADAF VASIELE RA TOJIEH MIKOONAD’, ( the end justifies the means). He gave me example of Algerian women, which I am sure he had heard this story from Mohsan or perhaps from the organisation itself, according to his story Algerian women although Moslem but they were trying to be friend of French personnel to obtain information for the revolutionaries. He was telling me that this action of them while they were true believer of Islam was completely justified!

            He was suggesting me to share our expense and incomes with others, I told him how can I do that while I had a family to live with and support. He suggested that we can live in common base of the organisation shared by others, he suggested that it is time we live our bourgeois life behind. I told him well we are still too bourgeois to be ready for this kind of radical change in our way of life. I told him about an example given by Bazargan. Bazargan in one of his books, to answer rejection of private ownership as source of corruption. gave an example: he said: “owner ship is a natural need of human being, like eating. if some people eat more than their need and lose their health, you are not taking their stomach out. Hence if some people are greedy and gather more money than their need you have to control them, not abolishing the right of ownership.”

            Although physically we were trying hard to create artificial pressure for ourselves. Mental pressure on all of us was completely real and more than ever. As a result soon we found one of our members has had a breakdown, believing in Ideology and revolution, meant not believing in psychology as a bourgeois phenomena. As a result we were not doing anything for poor friend of ours and he was getting worse and worse. Eventually one day we found him, claiming that he is the Imam Zaman and he can receive messages from God. While we had our assembly meeting in New castle, he entered into the room while had a piece of white sheet as his cloths, exactly like how sometimes they show prophets in the movies. And Quran in his hand, He cried “I have came to led you and this is my guides” showing the Quran. As for sometimes we were hiding his health problem from other members, they were shocked to see him in that situation, to calm him, and I took him outside and asked him if I can be his first disciple. For few weeks we had to talk and look after him till he was better and with help of his aunt who came to rescue him, eventually he gained her mental health back. Sadly in few months time he insist to go back to Iran and year later he was killed in a battle with the regime. He was one of the most sensitive and pure and fine boys who I had seen by then.

            By the end of July 1980, we heard news of death of Shah in one of the Egyptian hospitals. We saw a scene of his funeral in Television while President Saddat of Egypt and his old friend Nixon were walking behind his coffin. It seemed there were many Egyptian over there but not many Iranian, not even those who used to call him ‘the shadow of God’, and thanks to him were living abroad richly. He lived enough to see our misery, I was wondering what was he thinking? Was he sad to see how we are going backward in all respect or happy as he could feel he was right and we were wrong. Perhaps by now he could see his own finger print in all our misery, or perhaps as he was writing in his final book, still he was thinking that his mistake was that he wanted to move us toward Great civilisation and we were not prepared for that. Any way he as the only person who could unite us against himself was death and we Iranian were more than ever separated and even hateful of each other.

            Iran-Iraq war

            By the end of September after many limited fighting and exchange of verbal accusations and counter accusations, with the attack of Iraqis fighters to main Iranian airport ‘Meher-Abad’, the war between two countries almost start. although perhaps nobody took it as serious as later when Iraqis land force attacked southern province of Iran capturing most important cities of that province in no time. Now we were facing new enemy, first American, and their agents, then reactionaries, and now Iraqis.

            Battiest students in New castle were very strong and somehow organised, they were bulling none Battiest Iraqi students and now they were looking at us as enemy especially we supporters of Mojahedin as we were more organised than others. Neither them nor us knew how close our leaders and ourselves can be in the future. But for time beings we were looking at each other with hate. we were hearing the destruction of our beautiful cities and most richest part of our country, killing and raping of our people. Millions of people as a result of their first attack left their home in that province and moved to other provinces. while they were not fully welcomed. As, They were blamed for not defending their mother homeland and abandoning their cities.

            There was a demonstration against Iraqis aggression in New castle. For once after a year or two, again we Iranian put our differences aside and united against foreign aggressor. We were attacked by the organised mob of Battiest. There was fighting and beatings. After that there was a demonstration in London organised by our society which many other group including supporters of Tudeh party joined it, the main slogan of that demonstration was ‘US. Plans, Sadam Attacks, down with USA.’ By then Sadam and Iraqis were favourite of west, including American and British. Nobody was talking about human rights in Iraq and all were blaming Iranian. We were ‘Bad guys’ and the Iraqis were the ‘Good ones’. Of course later we received criticism of Mojahedin. They told us: “the slogan of our demonstration was wrong and, we shouldn’t let other organisations especially Tudeh party to join us.

            By November we received few special issues of Mojahed and we found out that regime does not let our brothers to join them in defending our mother country. Mojahedin slogan at the time toward war was defending people under separate banner (not under command of army or revolutionary guards). It was said that Iraqis kill our brothers in the battlefronts from front, and by the Revolutionary Guards from behind. There were news of their torture, arrest and even killing in battlefronts. In one hand they were accused of not joining forces against Iraqis and on the other hand they were receiving notes and threat notes to leave the front as soon as possible. They were accused of collaborating with the enemy and passing information. .

            About the same time I received a letter from my youngest sister, one of very few relatives and friends who still I had some sort of communication with. She knew my activities and was showing some sympathy toward my goals. In her letter she was accusing Mojahedin as self centred, she wrote: “What ever happen to the country and people, they are only interested about their own organisation and want to benefit from misery of people for recruiting new member. They help very much, but it is when they feel there are some organisational advantages for them in helping others. Even we have seen the things they send for people in need, all with emblem of the organisation to remind them where help has come from.” She was asked me If I find this kind of behaviour as an Islamic behaviour!? I never did answer her and soon I lost this last connection I had with my family in Iran.

             Soon we received another news. News of talk for freeing the Hostages. There were several important questions in an especial issue of Mojahed, including why the hostages were taken in first place, and why they were kept for so long, and why were they going to be freed then. They were claiming all scenario was a plan against revolutionary and real anti- Imperialist organisations, more than any body else, against Mojahedin. In a November special issue of Mojahed the largest slogan of the paper was ‘Death to Imperialism - long live freedom’. Any way hostages were freed and as Bazargan said once, “in this issue only American were true winner. After losing their face because of the Vietnam War, Now they could gain some international credibility. Many American thanks to Iranian money seized over there could claim and earn some money. . . . In international scene American could introduce their enemy as barbaric and uncivilised, hence they again could portrait themselves as vanguard of humanity, democracy and freedom.”

            By December publishing of weekly paper Mojahed was started again. Although this time it was a clandestine paper and was published in different sizes and in different cities. To distribute it, Mojahedin sympathisers used to stand in the streets and roundabouts to sell them. As a result, everyday many of them used to be attacked, beaten and arrested in different cities. In many cases people were helping them to run away but when they were captured their beating and murdering was imminent. As a result we were receiving more news of killing in different cities. ‘in Amol 300 injured and one killed . . . Sari, one high-ranking militia was killed. Tehran: murder of Hamid Reza Reza’i. Rasht: Bahram Farahnak was killed . . . ’ The number of killing, beating and arrest had no ending. From then on each Mojahed had a chart showing the number of arrest in different cities as well as arrest on the battlefront with Iraqis. Number of arrest in different cities were ranging from few to few hundred each week. In each issue there were photographs of those killed or tortured, pictures of Mojahedin with sign of lashes on their back. Picture of murdered militia girls and boys. In one of the pictures there was burning of cigarette on the body of a Militia reading ‘long live Khomieni’. There were news of funeral of Martyred Mojahed and during each funeral one could see beatings and even murder of more Mojahed. Documents of torture and murders were systematically given to Banisadr and some times one could see their print in the ‘Enghalab Eslami’, the Banisadr’s paper. Now there were more objection and protest against activities of the Revolutionary Guards and Heazbollahies and condemnation of their actions from different famous people including few clergies. As a result of those condemnation and rejections Khomieni was forced to nominate a committee to inspect if there is any truth in the ‘allegations of torture’. After many months of work and receiving thousands of documents and witness as one could guess the result of work of that committee was that there were some misdoing and “TANBIE’H” (chastisement) but “certainly not torture!”

            Array of enemies

            In few Mojahed there were long interviews with Masoud Rajavi about ‘Reactionary front’, including Tudeh party and Majority of Feda’ian, a front that soon or late we were going to face them as our sole enemy. Apart from them there was an interview with him about ‘Liberals’ and especially Bazargan. In first of these interviews there were some revaluation about relationship between Mojahedin and Bazargan. It was interesting for me to see that unlike people in our society Rajavi was stressing that: “one can not judge class orientation of a man as easily as it seemed.” Even about Bazargan who in every body’s view was the symbol of Liberals in our country. Unlike Marxist he said: “human beings are very complicated to be judged easily and only God can judge a man for his action, what part of his guilt are imposed on him and what part are his fault.” I was also happy to see that he is accepting Bazargan as one of the teachers of Mojahedin. Although Mojahedin were first who publicly attacked Bazargan and they were those who paved the way for reactionaries to attack him with all their might, which ended in his down fall. He point that “Mojahedin neither were thought it was just to introduce Bazargan as revolutionary prime minister who could solve very complicated problems of the revolution, nor was just to attack him like what they did and disgraced him totally . . . within the framework of his thinking he was a reformer but an honest man, against dictatorship. He was the first intellectual who introduced the relation between Islam and science. The reason of ideological, political and historical separation between Mojahedin and Bazargan was his disability to recognise the boundaries between capitalism and exploitation with the real Islam. When he was talking about a subject or even about himself he was very honest, for example he mentioned that <the revolution needed a Bulldozer and everybody expect us to be one, while we are Folks Wagon . . . .>. Once he told me you have done something that I am not able to talk about you in front of Imam, then he asked me, by the way, after the revolution where is this imperialism, you always shout about it. Please let me to have his hand till I punish him . . . . Against whatever happened between us and him. he was courage full enough to defend my nomination for election of the parliament publicly. When no body else was dare to do”

            The story of Mojahedin and Bazargan was rapidly a changing one. There was interesting article in Myzan (Bazargan’s paper) as a letter of Bazargan to both, Mojahedin and Heazbollahies who used to call themselves as ‘Maktabiest’(believers of Ideology). He called both as his own son, while they might accept it or not. He said: “you two are brothers of each other, and I am your father, I will punish you and kiss your face. Your fight is distorting everything, it is burning and ruining our house, and your fight will make you wretched and refugees, and will help our enemy. If our revolution lose our youth like you and became like Lebanon full of bloodshed what does remain for us. You call each other ‘reactionaries’, ‘Monafaghin,(hypocrite)”, ‘mercenary of Imperialism’. You both are wrong and neither of you are what the other one says. . None of you are few in number, . . . what is this way of talking that whoever is not agree with you should be called mercenary of enemy. Why do you think whatever positive and good is yours and all negative and bad is from the other one. . . . Whatever you are calling each other your similarities are much more than your differences. If you realise this fact. You have to call each other brother and kiss each other. Both are revolutionary and very hot and thirsty of more revolutionary actions . . . both have accepted Khomieni as Imam and both followed Feda’ian in attacking the provisional government. Marxism has influenced both as both are in love of revenge, harshness, destruction, violence (instead of being merciful compassionate, kind as a Moslem). You both are against capital and if you can make every thing and country as a whole nationalised. you don’t hesitate. The other shared characteristic of both of you is that both are monopolist. You both among all nations Moslems and none Moslems, consider yourselves as clean, right and owner of everything, not only in believe but in action too, if any of you be able to rule the country, you will not let anybody to share it with you and not even are going to let any other idea to survive. In race of propaganda and accusation and aggression none of you is behind the other one. Funny is you both call yourselves enemy of America and against Mathematical law which says you have to be equal or with each other calling each other enemy and even worst enemy. you both are against changing things step by step and calling it as treachery (policy of provisional government and Bazargan), while God and prophet all the time were acting step by step. . leave Marxism and Imperialism behind and see the Iran and Islam as they are. I know it is very difficult for you two to accept my words, especially for your leaders. It means forgetting many of your words and promises and interpretations. If you are revolutionaries, this is a real revolutionary action . . . I am asking you to accept each other as Moslem and brother and kiss each other and let sit and talk and solve your differences.”

            This article or letter as well as Myzan was published in Mojahed. Mojahedin answered it back. As it could be predicted they didn’t agree with Ideological point of view of Bazargan, nor did accept their own share in the situation we were in. They mentioned that always they have been ready to sit and talk, but always they have received lashes and clubs.

            Far from Iranian situation, sank in our own problems

            As one could guess by now we were not able to receive printed ‘Mojahed’ from Iran so it was decided that as we were able to have cheap printing in Newcastle, we receive one copy of It and then reprint it and send it to every where else except Iran. As a result it became part of our job. Most of the work was done by one of our member, Hussein who was very young university student, very humble, honest, hardworking man. To print newspapers, as soon as possible for posting them to another countries, many times we were able to find him dead sleep in printing shop, as he had to work for days without any brake. A part from him each one of us had to have our share of the work including folding papers, packaging and sending them to different cities and countries and even individuals. By now every week I had to be one day in Edinburgh, one day in Middlesborough and one day in Sunderland, to give lectures to our supporters there and helping them to solve different problems they were facing, including internal conflicts as a result of sharing everything. To see our supporters in those cities were helping me to forget my own problems; I loved them one by one and was spending hours with them, listening to their problems, even personal ones; to see their life, their honesty, their simplicity, their sacrifices, was making me more sure of the path which I was in. I was able to swear by the name of each one of them. I could feel closer to them than my brothers and close friends. Apart from these meetings. There were meetings of our members and supporters in Newcastle and long executive discussions that each week we had for planning our current jobs and problems we were facing. Most difficult problems were problems raised among individuals, as by now about fifteen people were living together and most of the time many of our sympathisers were with us as well. Each one had his or her own character and habits and wants, and sometimes they weren’t matched with each other. all had to wake up in right time and sleep in certain time, eat the same thing and use limited shared facilities in proper manner. To solve those problems we were thirsty of finding proper solutions. Once there was an article in Mojahed about a member called ‘Saeid Motahedin’, he was arrested for robbery and attacking a jewellery. Mojahed position was clear, they made it clear that after he receives punishments from authorities he will be punished by the organisation as well. We had the same problem, many supporters and members for months hadn’t received any money from Iran and some times they were cheating and stealing. Some of them were arrested and charged as well. So what should we do about that. In the same article there was explanation that when an organisation grow, it will attract many people from society from different walk of life, with different attitudes and class interest; so they have to be educated, they have to learn to fight against their class characters, change themselves, and make themselves as new human being. There must be criticism, punishment and purification of the organisation through expulsion. So did we have to punish people, those who weren’t ready to wake up as others, or sleep as others, those who were not doing their job properly and as a result every body else had to suffer. What should be punishment like? Should it be like our boys in Manchester, did we have to whip each other?

            By winter 1980 we were advised to contact left British organisations and get their support for our cause. Soon we found ourselves supporting IRA and having relation with Sin-fin, we were having contact and meetings with socialist worker, Communist revolutionary Group, and communist revolutionary party, SWP, . . . usually our meetings were in the pub which for some times was forbidden to go there as we were Muslim, then this law was changed and we were permitted to meet them there. After few supportive statements of Sin-fin and IRA was published in Mojahed, Iranian regime send a representative to Ireland to meet their representatives and soon there was some sort of competition between us and the regime for having their support. As a result we had to attend all demonstration and pickets of Sin-fin.

             Once we were supposed to attend their picket in front of Durham Prison, As always we had to attend that picket with full force, so soon we found many Mojahedin supporters all in American military overcoat with moustache, standing beside five or six Irish with mask for not being recognisable in front of Durham’s jail. Many who were passing were confused about the demonstration and what are we doing there, many as we could not repeat some of the slogans, were thinking that we are there by mistake and were trying to let us know what is that picket about. Each week there were messages exchanged between Mojahedin and Sin-fin, after death of Babi Sands and Hues Mojahedin asked us to print a joint poster with Sin-fin, which we did. A poster was printed with the pictures of Sadatti and Babi Sands with the famous sentence of Rajavi: “Every night they are killing an star and still our sky is full of bright stars . . . “

            Elimination of Banisadr, unification of the regime

            Events in Iran were moving very fast. Khomieni as the commander of the army appointed Banisadr. As a result he was founding some admiration and popularity among army personnel. Following his Liberal policies, he was confronting reactionaries, more and more. His paper was publishing many of the documents produced by the Mojahedin proving torture, and killing of their members and other individuals. He was talking more and more against Islamic Republic party, and club-wielders. especially their role in war fronts. His support for Mojahedin and especially giving permission to Rajavi for carrying arm for his self-defence, made every body in reactionary section of the regime angry and when they complained to Khomieni, he advised him not to support Mojahedin. But he didn’t follow Khomieni’s order.

            On the other hand to deepen his difference with reactionaries, Mojahedin were supporting him in all different situation and members of Mojahedin had to be present in all public meetings of Banisadr. Eventually on fifth of March 1981 in his last public meeting honouring Mossadeq while he was giving speech, Heazbollahies as usual attacked people present there. This time Banisadr as head of executive force asked people present who were much more than Reactionaries, to arrest them. People present mostly supporters of Mojahedin, this time having order from the president of the country attacked the reactionaries, beaten and arrested many of them. From belonging of those arrested it was clear that many were members of the revolutionary Guards, and Islamic Republic Party, all were organised and rarely any one of them was simple citizens being there by chance. As Banisadr reviled everything publicly, fight between reactionaries and Banisadr faction in Government reached to its pick. Some of those who were beaten or arrested sat in strike in the university Mosque. Unlike other times all reactionary authorities soon became involved, Behashti head of the judiciary, Rafsanjani Head of the Parliament. . all were visiting those strikers in the Mosque, and were collecting complains against the President. Ardebilli the prosecutor was claiming that country has a law and all in front of law and justice are equal including The President. They were preparing themselves for trail of Banisadr instead of club-wielders.

            Mojahedin in total control, everything was predicted from years ahead

            About the same time a representative of Mojahedin came to Britain to lead us and help us to solve many problems that we were facing. As Mojahedin were more and more under pressure inside of the country, they had to find new ways and means for solving many of their problems, including financial ones and also needed equipments. Perhaps at the same time they were thinking of sending some of their members and families whom their life were in danger to abroad and they had to pave the way for this matter as well. As a result all members and some supporters of our society were asked to go to London to meet and hear what that member of Mojahedin had to tell to us. He told us about what is happening in Iran. Including how they have been able to stand behind Banisadr and encourage him against Khomieni himself. How they were right in choosing Liberals against Reactionaries. Opposite to what we heard from the founders of the society, He told us that the regime and its supporters are in deadlock and on the other hand Mojahedin are on the pick of their history. They are more than ever popular, and ready for any action against the regime. They are the ones who are controlling the events and Regime has no alternative, either fighting against Mojahedin, which in this fight they cannot going to be the winner and they know it as well. pr continue the situation as it is, which every day Mojahedin are attracting new supporters and the regime is losing more and more support of the people. In either case, “we are the winner.” He said “with no doubt the regime choice as can be seen by now is the former one. At this point Banisadr has to make his most important decision of his life. He has to chose between us and the regime.”

            In the same meeting he told us that very long time ago. Even when Masoud (Rajavi) and Mussa(Khiabani) were in prison as they knew most of the mullah who are in power including Khomieni himself, they called them, ‘Right Reactionary’s Current’. They could predict this day from beginning, this is why choosing between establishing a party or an army their choice from beginning was the latter one. Some of things that I was hearing, were very difficult for me to swallow. Including predication of everything even before victory of the revolution, calling Khomieni one of the member of ‘Right Reactionary Current’ , a term Mojahedin after the Marxist coup in their organisation chose for the reactionary Mullah, and by their definition that current Ideologically didn’t belong to the ‘People ‘s Front’. politically members of that current were moving from ‘People’s front’ to anti People’s Front. My question that I asked him in front of every body, and he didn’t like it very much was that how could we call Khomieni Imam and . . . while we knew he belonged to the Reactionary front . . . I didn’t receive straight answer, somehow he gave this feeling to every body that I want to defend Khomieni or saying that he isn’t or wasn’t from that front. So every body start answering me, by reminding me about Khomieni’s approval for many murders and. Well I was not courageous, strong and self-assured enough to answer back every body, and preferred to say nothing. After the meeting he quietly told me “Khomieni is going to join anti-people front soon” I start saying that you know this was not my question and doubt, which he smiled and clubbed on my back, and told me “You have to work hard, you know how much we do need people like you!.”

            I returned to Newcastle but with many new questions in my mind. If everything was predicated by Mojahedin why did they emphasised on their anti Imperialism slogans, which meant weakening of liberals and rising of reactionaries? They had to admit most of the arguments of reactionaries against Liberals came from Mojahedin. They were teachers of the reactionaries in this respect. Why didn’t they help provisional government with all their might? why they let us to think that they do accept Khomieni as Imam and the leader of the revolution and even Islamic revolution? Were they really hypocrite, and reactionaries were right to call them Monafaghin

            Events were occurring very fast in Iran. Heazbollahies wanted revenge of what had happened in Tehran University. There were more arrest, more torture and whipping and more killing of Mojahedin as ever. In each issue of Mojahed, there were few pictures of new martyrs in front page. In one issue seven pages were about new martyrs of the organisation. There was news that life of Mojahedin political prisoners are in danger. Banisadr was talking more and more against reactionaries. Now he was asking for referendum, meant judgement of Khomieni was not good enough any more, and this was people’s turn to decide. About the same time it was announced that there will be trial of Amir-Entezam Information minister of Bazargan charged with collaboration with American. He was the same person that Mojahedin’s first criticism of Provisional government was about and now Reactionaries were doing the things once was asked by the Mojahedin.

            By the end of April protesting the recent killings of their members, Mojahedin organised a more than hundred thousand strong demonstration in the middle of Tehran. This demonstration was some kind of Show of force. After that demonstration there were more killing and beatings and arresting, the number of officially arrested supporters of Mojahedin was more than one thousand. Less than three years after freedom of all political prisoners we were having new wave of political prisoners. Reactionaries were changing every thing according their own backward views including justice department. they were passing law of ‘Ghasas’ (religious punishments according to the ancient customs of Arabs.), soon they were going to apply punishments like whipping, beheading and stoning in public for common crimes. they hanged publicly a man on the charge of neurotic smuggling. Mojahedin and Liberals were against this law and start to speak out against it.

            A ‘Question’ and an ‘Answer’.

            On second of May 1981 Mojahedin wrote a letter to Khomieni, asking him to let them with all their supporters see him and letting him know what is happening. Although their letter was very polite and humble, but it was very clear what their intention was to force Khomieni into the corner. If Khomieni’s answer was yes, he was going to face few hundred thousand people even perhaps more as by then many even those who were not supporter of Mojahedin could join them to show their opposition toward what was occurring in the country. And if his answer was no. Mojahedin could show to everybody that they had down whatever they could, to prevent more blood shed, while Khomieni as leader of the revolution didn’t bother even to see them and hear them. Unlike all their past letters, this letter of them found an answer. Khomieni humbly answered back: “You hand over your arms, then there is no need you come to visit me I will come to visit you and will be at your service.” . Mojahedin gave their answer to Banisadr, as the head of executive power, they asked him if he can guarantee their safety and application of law and order in the country. So they can hand over all their arms. Asking Banisadr who could no longer able to guarantee his own safety was showing clearly what is the answer of Mojahedin. From then on every body was waiting for final stage of that era.

            Banisadr reviled some documents against reactionaries and following that there was order of closure of his paper by the justice department under control of the reactionaries, in one of his last communiqué in his paper before closure, he said “the giant of dictatorship is coming. “and asked people to resist against this new type of dictatorship. Now most of the times he was in hiding, Mojahedin announced his life is in danger and warned people about safety of the president. In the parliament there was a bill for abdication of president. Liberals were talking against reactionaries. Bazargan with his sharpest words wrote an open letter to Khomieni.

            June the 20th demonstration, an event with different interpretations.

            For fifteenth of June the National Front asked people to come to the street and show their opposition toward Ghasas laws (religious punishments laws), but after Khomieni’s speech against the National Front before that day nobody dared or wanted to attend that demonstration.

            Following day, Mojahedin asked people like revolutionary days, to go to their roofs and shout ‘Allah’o Akbar ‘. How many did and how strong people answered to this appeal? I don’t know, but as there was no reflection of it even in Mojahed, I guess this call wasn’t successful as well. Perhaps people weren’t going to trust God any more, and preferred to relay on their own judgement and power, and act when they feel they know what is going on and what is right for them to do?! Two days later there was attack of the revolutionary guards to a meeting remembering Shari’ati mainly organised by Mojahedin. It was clear no announced event can be successful as Guards will be ready to face it. Eventually on 20th of June 1981, what every body was waiting for, occurred. Without any prior public announcement, Mojahedin organised their largest demonstration ever. According to the news we received from Mojahedin. 500 thousand from Mojahedin and their supporters poured into the streets of Tehran. Since then Mojahedin have down everything without any success to change that day to the ‘National day’, though one has to admit, the events of that day is unforgettable and certainly has put its mark on life of millions of our people. Since then we have read hundreds of pages and heard thousands of stories about events of that day. According Mojahedin’s view, this day was a turning point in the history of Iran. To make it, more and more important, they have announced many of their activities and important events of the organisation on the same day. They have tried hard to change a day of sadness and mourning for hundreds of people, into a joyful and celebration day. A day full of laughing, dancing, singing and kissing each other and congratulating each other for different events all intentionally coincided with this day. They say: “This was the day that Iranian regime by rejecting its Liberal section showed clearly that it can not accept any kind of freedom and even isn’t ready to accept Liberals to share the power with. By killing people in the streets of Tehran, they who ideologically and historically belonged to the anti-peoples front, politically moved to that front as well. As a result they lost all their credibility. Hence from 21st of June they don’t belong to People’s front any more and considered as anti-people, and worst enemies of the Iranian.” Few months later, in Mojahedin’s wording Khomieni from position of Imam, leader, father, . was moved into the position of worse than Iraqis and even Imperialism and American. and was called enemy of humanity, the murderer, ‘DAJAL’(the worst deceivers of people), The Old Fox, Hyena . .

            How many people were beaten, injured, killed, and arrested on that day?! Only God knows! The only thing that we know, are names and particulars the day after were announced by the Iranian Regime itself; which perhaps is the right account, as in those days they were not hesitant to announce names of those killed or arrested or hanged as they wanted to create atmosphere of fear as much as possible. They were so in rush of killing those arrested, which by mistake killed some of their own men. There were stories that as some of the Mojahedin were wearing Guards cloths, many real guards were arrested as Mojahedin members, and some of them although till last moments were shouting that they are real Guards but eventually were shoot dead. That day neither sex nor age was important for the guards. Many children and old people, men and women, were executed, while even names of many of them were not known and some times latter their pictures were printed in the Iranian papers, asking people for their name. If there was any trail for them before or after! their execution, certainly those trails were sadly funniest trails of the perhaps history. As some of the crimes of those executed was having salt and pepper in their pocket or two Rial coins. (some of the young Militia had salt and pepper as if they be followed or arrested throw them toward the eyes of the guards and run away. and two Rial coin was for using public phone).

            What was the real intention of the main decision maker of that event?! I don’t know; perhaps only Rajavi knows it. Was this demonstration really his ‘ETMAM HOJAT’ (final warning) to Iranian regime as it was claimed the organisation?! Did he really prepared himself for creating another ‘Ashorra’. Or as some suggest he was thinking that with Mojahedin in forefront of a huge demonstration can attract millions of people and can march to the JAMARAN, Khomieni’s residence and overthrow the regime!? So was he the winner of this event as we didn’t face the event of the Ashorra (i.e. every body being killed, like Imam Hussein and his followers). Or was he the loser as they couldn’t attract as many people as they guessed they can and couldn’t go far in their marching toward Khomieni’s residence, overthrowing the regime?! Was he a gambler, or a wishful thinker, or loser in death-lock with no alternative. Are all these talks about ‘twentieth of June’ event, his way of white washing his own failure and wrong judgement?! Or as it was claimed by himself, “as a Moslem revolutionary, he had to do everything proper and use all different avenues available before start of blood-shedding, and fighting.” What is fact is that this was the believe of all of us then and believe of every body with Mojahedin by now and in the future.

            Was it unavoidable? was it wrong or right? was it start of all blood shed and misery came afterward or one point in the path that had been started some times before? Who was the main responsible of events of that day and after wards? Mojahedin as it was claimed by the regime by organising an illegal demonstration while Iran was in war with Iraqis and American?! Or as it was claimed by Mojahedin that Iranian regime showed is prepared to kill everybody including ordinary people in the streets to keep itself in power, having no respect for any rights of the people including their basic and the most fundamental freedoms . . . Neither side did accept their share of what happened that day and some how both celebrated that day as a day of final judgement and final warning to each other!? Perhaps both were the winner?! then who was the loser?! Perhaps Bazargan in his letter to Mojahedin and Reactionaries was right and the real loser of that fight were People. Perhaps the founders of our society were right and, Rajavi’s speech a year prior to this event in Amajadiyeh was the final stroke to what was going to happen, start of an not returnable road. A road to more and more destruction and bloodshed. A road with an ideological title. ‘Road of Jihad’(the holly war.)

             The main slogan of the demonstration was not ‘Death to the Regime or Khomieni’ and instead was ‘Death to Behashti’ ( the head of the Islamic Republic Party, and the justice department). In the last issue of Mojahed though Khomieni was not called Imam, but was called Mr. that showed that they still are showing some kind of respect in calling him. Still regime was not officially called anti People one. But by now we were sure that our final war, this time a bloody one has started. There was a communiqué from Mojahedin clearly was showing that they are going to defend themselves from then on. Few days later we heard the most important news. Explosion of the main building of the Islamic Republic Party. About hundred were killed in that expulsion, though the number announced by the regime was 72 equal to the number of people killed with Imam Hussein in Ashorra, as they wanted to say this was new Ashorra of people and Behashti killed in this expulsion was new Imam Hussein. Well both side to show how just they are in their actions were benefiting from Imam Hussein’s tragedy and common sympathy of people toward Imam Hussein as much as possible. Apart from Behashti, few members of parliament, few ministers and many more important faces of the regime that were present in the meeting of the party were killed. The only remainder of important and decision-making faces of the party survived were Rafsanjani and Khamenai. The person responsible for the explosion was a Mojahedin member infiltrated into the party who was one of the important faces of the party. As the start of Mojahedin’s war against the regime had not been announced yet Mojahedin never publicly accepted the responsibility of that expulsion, though they benefited from all its credit. I remember when a reporter called us to receive more news about the expulsion as it was the most important international news of the day. Our responsible for dealing with reporters denied Mojahedin’s involvement vehemently. After that phone call I asked him to say we have no news of who has done it, instead of rejecting it as one of our own. Although we didn’t know by then who had done it but we could guess involvement of the organisation while we couldn’t guess what our future position about that incident would be.

            A ‘Glorious Departure’

            Few days later after presidential election in Iran that Raja’e and Bahonar were elected as new president and prime minister of the country. Still confused by the expulsion of the party, and this election that was unexpected, I heard another shocking news; I heard from one of our supporters that he has heard from radio that Banisadr and Rajavi have left the country for Paris. I rejected this news vehemently as we always used to criticise Tudeh’s leadership for living their members and supporters in Iran after 1953 CIA coup and running toward the Soviet Union. This was the main reason why we were calling supporters and members of Tudeh party as revolutionary and Martyr of people and their leaders as traitor. I told him “it is possible they have sent Banisadr to Europe, as there is no way they can guarantee his safety and he is not a Mojahed being able to fight and defend himself as others. But Rajavi is impossible, our leaders are not like Tudeh party’s leadership. The same day when I was in Sunderland lecturing our supporters. I could see with my astonished face and gazed eyes Rajavi together with Banisadr in Paris airport. Later Rajavi in his fifth interview with the societies weekly paper (8/1/82) claimed that this flight was very dangerous and if any thing was going to happen for Banisadr, they didn’t know how to answer people. He said: “I felt if any thing is going to happen for him, it has to happen for me too, hence although polite-bureau was not able to decide, I decided my self that I should go.” Few months later Khiabani claimed Rajavi was against this decision and wanted to stay in Iran with every body else. “It was the decision of polite-bureau to send him for introduction of our resistance to the world and saving him for our revolution and people.” ( Mussa’s last message- printed after his death in the society paper 26/2/82 ).

            Whatever the reason of his departure was and whoever was the decision maker of this action, at that moment I was not able to judge it at all and preferred to keep silence and as others, watch the news.

            Well nobody was asking us why they are abroad as all our supporters and most of the Iranian we knew, still were under shock of the parties explosion. There were rumour that Mojahedin have infiltrated everywhere into all regime’s offices; even there was rumour that they have put a bomb under the bed of Khomieni and have told him “we can kill you as easily as this but we want to keep you alive to answer people’s trial” Well there were many among us who used to think victory is immanent. The organisation itself was assuring us vehemently that Rajavi and Banisadr will return to Iran in triumph within a year or even before third month of their departure. We were known as honest and steadfast people, those who are by their promises and are most disciplined organisation. As a result one could trust us and our words sometimes more than his own. If we were saying we are going to overthrow the regime in matter of months or year, we were going to do it. and as we were going to be the winner. Well no body question the winner, so nobody was asking us why this or that.

            During those days we were asked to distribute Banisadr’s letter to Rajavi and his joint declaration of the establishment of their coalition. We were facing problem , for months and perhaps since Banisadr became president. Whenever we were asked why are we writing letters to Banisadr and are supporting him, we had our old discussion about Liberals and reactionaries. So we never were denying that he is a Liberal and according definition on move from people’s front toward anti people’s front. We never were answering criticise of other groups against Banisadr. including his involvement in Kurdistan against Kurdish people. The only thing that we used to say in private to the supporters of the other organisations was that this is a tactical support for one faction of the regime against another. But now distributing his message, joining him in a coalition and claiming that he has national bourgeois tendency wasn’t justifiable according our old sayings. The organisation in private tried hard without any success to explain to left groups that they had to go for this coalition to avoid creation of an antirevolutionary front by Banisadr, Bakhtiar and …, to benefit from legitimacy of Banisadr inside and outside of the country to gain support. So against all these theories still we had rough times to explain our coalition with Banisadr to our supporters and other groups. It was especially difficult for me as I was representative of our society in contacting and having relation with the representatives of other groups and without doing any thing like that, any time I had discussion with them, because of my name, I was under suspicion of being pro- Banisadr.

            In his letter Banisadr had written that after reading literature of Mojahedin he has found new understanding of Mojahedin’s believes. Hence he has to review his old opinions about them. Somehow I could feel he want to say that he had been wrong in calling Mojahedin as Stalinist and their ideology as mixture of Islam and Marxism. I guess as Mojahedin had to find a way to justify their coalition, in front of us. He had to do the same thing in front of his followers.

            New era, change of ‘interpretations’, ‘slogans’ and perhaps ‘believes’?

            Few weeks after arrival of Rajavi and Banisadr to Paris, We were asked in defiance of Iranian regime and condemnation of the execution-taking place in Iran, have a hunger strike in public. From our region about twenty of us joint members of other sections of the Society to start our hanger strike in public in Trafalgar Square. About a week we were in hunger strike over there. During daytime we were discussing with people and were revealing what is happening in Iran. We could attract sympathy of most of the people very easily as there was enough anti Iranian and anti Khomieni advertisement that we really need not to do much more. People, politician even Police were very sympathetic with our cause. While we were talking to them we were not talking about our position toward Imperialism or Hostage taking, we were as liberal as possible. We were not having any more meetings with left groups. Even our interpretation of IRA and Sinn-Fin was changed. Now we were told that their action is wrong as they have opportunity to express themselves in political manner. The joint poster of Mojahedin and Sin-fin, was banned and whatever was left were collected and burned. Presence of Banisadr beside us was self-assurance that we are more Liberal rather than communist or Moslem. People were taking our literature with kindness and were helping us generously. Well our yellow faces as a result of hunger strike and our well-documented recent atrocities of the regime, Pictures of torture and beatings and murder of people were very helpful as well. Now opposite to the past we were united with every body. Soon even among ourselves, we forgot our anti-Imperialist slogans. Every night during hunger strike, as street itself was very cold, we had to go to under ground and pass our night over there. In under ground we were facing homeless people who were living there. they were confused and angry of us for taking their places. some times they were trying to force us out of there, and start quarrelling with us. Each time after making sure that every body is asleep, three other Masouls and I who were responsible of each branch , used to go somewhere else and talk about next day program and activities. One day when we were discussing in private the few young people, who were against foreigners, attacked us. I presume I was slower than my other three brothers in escaping from that place and as a result after few minute found myself alone under their beatings. As a result of beating my right shoulder was broken and because of pain I lost my conscious. when I found back my conscious , I saw, all our friends who were called, standing above my head and some of the attackers were captured. In police station they asked me if I want to make a petition of complaint that I didn’t as we had enough enemy to have one more. As a result of broken arm and beatings I returned few days before the end of the hunger strike to Newcastle.

            Collapse of the regime in mater of months?

            A week or two after the hunger strike, we received new order. Embassies of Iranian regime must be occupied. At the time I felt this is a bite radical for the stage that we were in. By now the shape of our organisation was changing more or less into the shape of Mojahedin themselves. Each section of the society had its masoul who was nominated from London and we had to take all our orders from him. Orders were straight and short and usually without much details or explanation. The excuse for this kind of orders, was that we are in war and everything has to be as secret and brief as possible. About occupation of the embassies, I questioned that action by asking if this action, should be our final act outside of the country and usually near the collapse of the Regime. I asked our masoul: “Do you think we are on that stage?” His answer was a positive smile. I was told that is not an isolated act and it will be done at the same time in all countries. and isn’t going to take much of the time of our supporters. “perhaps just one or two days. As we just want to occupy the embassy, and leaving it as soon as we relay our messages to the media. Because of my broken arm I was going to stay in Newcastle and continue our routine work. I was asked to recruit every body as others had to go before the time of main action. I start recruiting every body, I remember we were not supposed to tell any body where are they going. We had to tell them that they are going to London and they will be told in London about the plan and detail of it. Even about length of their stay in London we had to tell them a day or two as it was planned. As a result many who went to London even didn’t take proper dress with themselves. Many Iranian embassies were captured simultaneously and it was the first news of all televisions and radios in many different countries . So one can say in this sense it was quite successful one; and I had to be ashamed of myself for questioning it. I had to see how wrong I am not only ideologically but politically and even in action too.

            By then physical confrontation, between us and supporters of the regime was not restricted to Iran any more. Here in Britain we were facing each other in different cities and villages, and where ever we were seeing each other there was going to be first swearing and then fighting. Our area was famous among supporters of the regime as area of Monafaghin (Mojahedin), (Area of hypocrite as most of the Iranian were either neutral or supporters of Mojahedin and rarely any body was ready to claim that he or she is supporter of the regime. even supporters of Tudeh party who by now were supporting regime vehemently, were hesitant to show themselves to us and usually were hiding themselves from us. But contrary to our area Manchester was clearly under the control of the regime’s supporters. Almost every week there were some fights between our supporters and the regime ones and always we had report of broken arms and heads from both sides. Till it was decided by the society that we have to teach them a lesson. Hence we got permission from Police to have an standing demonstration in front of the consulate of Iran in Manchester almost every week. As a result our new program for two days every week was mobilising people and taking them to Manchester for standing demonstration. By now most of our full time members and supporters were in prison as a result of embassies take-over, and it wasn’t so easy to find enough people to go to Manchester for demonstration every week; especially as usually after ward there was going to be organised fight between them and us. Each time, immediately after the end of our picket we used to go to Student union of the Manchester University sitting and walking there to change the atmosphere from a pro regime one into a resistance one. As supporters of the regime knew our program, and intentions, they were waiting for us too and then there was fighting. As a result every week we had new causalities, till a month or two that eventually we heard the situation over there has changed and there is more equal or neutral atmosphere than pro regime one.

            Things got better as on thirtieth of August another news shocked every body and gave new assurance to every body that this regime is going to collapse any day. That was explosion of office of presidency in Tehran that as a result both new president and prime minister of the regime were killed. As there were more and more assassination, including assassination of many Mullahs, there were more and more execution of those in prison. Among them Sadatti who was tried and was sentenced for ten years prison, but in this new wave of executions was killed and once more Iranian regime proved that they even don’t respect their own laws. By now Iranian regime was executing every body without any hesitation. There were more execution even from other organisations. Saeid Sultan-poor a poet was arrested on his marriage day and later was killed. Shokrollah Paknajad a member of National Democratic Front and one of the famous opposition figures of Shah’s regime was arrested and executed. Even some members of The Majority of Feda’ian, who were supporting the regime, by mistake were executed. Among those executed there were many under age of eighteen, and many old mother and fathers. Number of execution was increasing very fast, from few every day to tens and some times hundreds. News of executions were as many and as often that we were not able to mourn for them any more; the news of their executions was becoming part of our daily life and we were used to receive bad and god news every day. We were thinking the losses are part of price we have to pay and as all of them were going to be martyred there was no point and even was not right to mourn for them. On the other hand, when somebody from other side was killed as we were thinking that it cannot be replaced and will take regime one-step forward to its imminent collapse, there was time for jubilation. The pick of this way of thinking came when we faced the type of operation called ‘the suicide operations’. In those operations usually a Militia had to tie a bomb to his body and explode it while he or she was going as close as possible to his or her target that usually was a famous mullah. The first one of this kind of operations came on eleventh of September done by Majid Niko a young militia who was killed along Madani, a Mullah representative of Khomieni in Tabriz. we heard 17 revolutionary guard were killed in that operation. Losing those young brothers or sisters of ours were very painful, but on the other hand those who were killed were important and time was a jubilation time and not a mourning one. We were thinking that Japanese were doing the same thing against American ships and were named in history as the most courageous and self sacrificed nation. Now it was time for change of history and record of new highest level of self sacrifice for establishment of democracy and independence.

A choice between democracy and Mojahedin

            All those who went to London for ‘one-day stay’, after occupation of the Iranian embassy were arrested and were imprisoned for few months; as a result life of many of them changed and many had to leave their study and change into political refuges.

            By now there were many more of our sympathisers who were full time and were working like others some ideologically were very close to Mojahedin. Perhaps even closer than some of those who were in the executive council. But as by now everything was decided by the masoul of our city. Nothing was changing in our society. By then those who were working full time for the society were divided in two sections, members who were called as ‘O’ for ‘OZV’ and ‘S’ for sympathisers, every body else who was supporting the Mojahedin and was not working full time for the society was called ‘H’ as ‘HAVADAR’ (supporter). I was Masoul of whoever who was either S or in our area, and could feel how unjust is our organisation in this respect. They were the people who were working and sacrificing almost the same as many of us but they were not involved in making of any decisions concerning their daily life and work. Although we as members were not much involved in decision making as every thing was coming from London and for them from Paris; at least we knew what is going on and we didn’t expect much. So all the times in our meetings I had suggestion for membership of all our full time sympathizers to let them know what is going on and involving them in decision making of their daily life. My arguments always were based on literature of Mojahedin, accusing the council that we are ignoring the element of democracy in our basic decision making of the society. I could feel that kind of reasoning while were not easy to answer, were sharpest criticising arguments. One day our masoul read a letter from council of London; then asked us if we all agree with that. It was short and simple. Do we accept the authority of executive council in London as our Masoul and do we agree to what ever they decide or not. My answer for the first part of the question was yes as I knew by now they have blessing of the Mojahedin and according to the organisation of Mojahedin nomination of Masouls is from top to bottom so I had no right but accepting it. But about the second question I knew, I have to do whatever I have asked to do; but it didn’t mean that I had to agree to whatever they say. As I knew them one by one and knew that many of them are not more capable of many of us in Newcastle, and in the past I had disagreed with many of their decisions and later it was proved that I had been right and they had been wrong. Hence I told our masoul let me think about your second question and let you know tomorrow. That night he asked to see me and in our meeting he told me: “it is better for some time you don’t come to the base.” He was expelling me from the society, in very polite manner.

            The next day I stayed home and didn’t go to the base of the society. It was very strange for Anna and asked me why am I not going with her to the base. I told her when you go there I am sure you will be informed. In the same day she was told in a meeting with others that as I have had some questions about the organisation I have been asked not to go there any more till I solve my problems. When they were asked about my questions and problems, they were told that I have had a Liberal tendency in running of the organisation, against the framework of Mojahedin. For a week or two their job was to explain what are my liberal organisational tendencies. They had to explain the same things for our sympathisers in other cities too, as I was their masoul and every week I had to go there and give them a lecture. Then one day I found all full time supporters in our house. Apparently all of them were asked to attend a meeting in Newcastle. In that meeting when they asked about my questions and wrong views; Masoul of Newcastle branch of the society, who perhaps was not prepared or permitted to answer them back, asked them if they have any questions in this respect, it is better to leave; so all of them had left the base and here they were in our house.

Ideology a barrier in friendship

            A year before this event, My old and close friend, since high school, Shams who was studying in Dundee University, once or twice came with his friends who were mixed supporters of different groups to visit us and as a result of discussions we had, he and another friend of his, Nadir decided to stay in Newcastle and join us. Nadir was very young and honest and kind man; he was working very hard and studying Mojahedin’s materials with especial enthusiasm. Once when he was asking me new questions, I told him honestly, that I have nothing new to teach him and he has learned what ever was available around us and as far as I knew in Britain. He was in love of Mojahedin and wanted to do something more, while there was nothing more he could do abroad. There was nobody to fight with and there was nobody else to learn from. So before Twenty of June event he told us that he want to go back home. Against our insistence by saying that we need him and now he can teach others, he did what he decided to do; he was killed in an operation a year latter. His bravery and his departure had great effect on every body, including Shams who was very close to him and I felt since then he was working twice of his usual. Due to his hard work, he became member of the executive council of Newcastle; since then our relation changed completely as under term of MAHFELE (friendship gathering) any kind of personal friendship within the organisation was forbidden, and was considered as clear signs of Liberalism; the weakness both of us were accused of. As a result Shams didn’t know much about my problems with our masoul and my objections and discussions. By now without perhaps knowing the whole picture of the events, he was chosen by the council of London as a person to explain my situation to one by one of our supporters. He was forbidden to visit us. Some how one could see and feel that old friends were changing into new foe. To do his job he had to work hard and try hard to undermine me in front of every body, especially those who for year or two were learning from me about Mojahedin. Sarvy our daughter loved him very much, and because of Shams kindness most of the times she was confused to love which one of us more, Shams or I as her father. She was calling him uncle Shams, and as shams loved her very much too, these two were never separable. Now they had to forget about each other, as Shams was not allowed to visit us. Sometimes we could hear that he has gone to Sarvy’s school to see here. Story of our friend, Shams and us with all those shared memories we had, was one of the sad stories of those days. Some times I was feeling that he had not been able to condemn me as vehemently as he should and asked by the organisation, and perhaps this was one of the reason that he couldn’t persuade others against me. Anyway the result was animosity between many which I was their teacher toward him, while there was not such a feeling between us. Soon more and more of our supporters came to us. By now our representatives in Edinburgh, in Sunderland and Middlesborough and many of our supporters in different cities and Hussein as a member of the MSS had left the society’s base and more or less were living with us.

            One day I found my old friend Mohammed who for sometimes was working in London branch of the society in our home. It was very clear that he has an unofficial message from London. He asked me what is going on and why am I not in the base. I told him that I am sure he knows what is going on, and it is better I say nothing. I just told him “I am not in my home in my free will.” He said, “Who dares to stop you going to the Base which is your real house. You should return immediately.” I told him “perhaps by now I can, but I will not, as now I need at least a private explanation. The questions I raised where the same reason why we are with Mojahedin and not with Khomieni. Well he didn’t have much to say, he asked me what about the supporters who have left their job and are here. I told him “I have not asked any of them to be here even my wife Anna. They and God are my witness that I have asked them many times to go back and do their job, as I know the situation and the need for working hard. I myself am ready to do whatever you ask me, but in here and not in the society’s base. But this is the condition that society has put in front of them and has asked them either to forget what has happened or leave the Base and the society. I don’t think this is the way Mojahedin work. This isn’t according any norm, neither according to Democracy we are fighting for; nor according to the organisational frame work of Mojahedin.” He left me and after a week or two, a representative from London came to our house to talk to those who by now were with us. He told them that there is a difference of opinion between me and the organisation, which as society now is related to Mojahedin and is directed by the Mojahedin, obviously is not going to change. Hence this is me who I have to change myself. And for the supporters, they have to go back and do their job and do not ask about this matter, as it is a private matter between them and me. Well except Hussein and one of our supporters from Edinburgh, every body else decided not to return.

A decision between ‘principals’ and ‘responsibilities’.

            It was very hard for me, perhaps more than any body else. As by now I could see that in one hand my principals bind me. And on the other hand if I don’t return and accept whatever they say, it is not only me that I was not working for the Mojahedin on those difficult days but most of our supporters in our area. I was bound to choose between my principals or being blamed for paralysing many in our area and start of split in the society, while we were going to overthrow the regime in matter of months.

            By then, there were many news about activities of Mojahedin inside Iran, called ‘Resistance-cells’. Seeing these activities of Mojahedin, many were accepting that overthrow of the regime is immanent. After all Iran was in war with Iraq, and by then have had many defeats along his western borders. Still most of its assets were seized by the United States. Their relationship with many countries were seized, and some how they were in worst kind of international isolation. Activities of Mojahedin including killing of president and prime minister of the regime many of their important and high-ranking personalities. All were indicating how vulnerable and fragile the regime is. Believe in immediate overthrow of the regime was as high as Rajavi threatened those who were making deal with Iranian regime, that Mojahedin are not going to accept their contracts. In political scene new coalition of Mojahedin with Banisadr called in brief NCR. (National Council of Resistance) had attracted many new faces at least in name, even if they didn’t have support of people or had any influence in the country. The most important of all was Kurdish Democratic Party, the largest Kurdish group with many combatants and part of Iran under their control. Apart from them there were some intellectuals, smaller parties and National democratic Front. To add to the number of the organisations joined the council; Mojahedin added to this list, the name of some of their sympathiser’s organisations like Association of professors of the universities, or Association of merchants of Bazaar . . . International support for this new coalition was rising in quality and quantity very fast, thanks to steadfastness and hard work of Mojahedin supporters and name of Banisadr as first president of Iran in the coalition. While in the beginning the support was coming from only small and local organisation and leftist groups, gradually more important parties like Labour party in Britain or socialist party in France did support this coalition.

             By October there was new policy of Mojahedin called ‘armed demonstration’, with the slogan of ‘Death to Khomieni’. By now they were saying that there is no more illusion about Khomieni and %90 of the population now are aware of the true nature of Khomieni and we have to brake his spell or magic. They were claiming that in new presidency election to find a substitute for the one killed, only three million bothered to vote. The regime claim was Sixteen million, even more than the number of people voted in the first presidential election. By the start of new academic year in Iran Mussa Khiabani the commander of Mojahedin inside of Iran, in a message asked all students to leave their study and consider ‘the resistance’ as their first lesson, which implied joining those ‘armed demonstrations’. In those demonstrations members and supporters of Mojahedin were distributing their clandestine publications in the streets while few with arm were looking after distributors. Their main slogan apart from death to Khomieni, death to reactionaries and death to Imperialism was: “IN MA’AH, MA’AH KOAN AST, KHOMEINI SARNAGOON AST. “(This month is month of blood; Khomieni is going to be overthrown). Obviously there were many reported clashes. Following that many killed and injured and imprisonment and executed.

            Some of the news of that period in Mojahedin’s paper were as follow: Mashed: “killing of ten reactionary mercenaries in seven operation, one of them was one of the responsible of the Islamic republic party in the city. Isfahan: killing of a Heazbollahies. Tehran: killing of 13 revolutionary guards. Bojnord: killing of a member of Mobilisation force. Shiraz: a Heazbollahies was put on fire. Astra: explosion of a bomb in a revolutionary guard’s base. Yazd: killing of a Heazbollahy . . . “ Simultaneously there was news of executions by the regime: “First of October, 110 Mojahed, second of October, 63 people. Third of October, 85 people, sixth of October 129 people . . . “ Then on 12 of October picture of a Mojahed called Habibollah Eslami, hanged by the regime in Evin prison while every prisoner was forced to watch was distributed among media. Few days later picture of execution of two Mojahed called Hamid and Hammed who were hanged in public in Kerman was published. There was communiqué of Mojahedin about execution of children as young as thirteen years old, and pregnant women like Mrs. Zakeri who was five months pregnant or Zohra’a Abolfatehi. In one of the issues there was picture of few Kurdish fighters who were going to be executed, one of them was lying on the ground, which showed, regime even doesn’t have mercy for ills and injured. Another photograph was showing all of them, who were executed. We had news that the regime is returning to the laws of thousand years ago and referring to those arrested as slaves of the war, which meant they are free to do anything they wish with them including raping . . . Even there was news of a ‘religious order’ from Montazeri successor of Khomieni who said: “As virgins can not judge in judgement’s day, and be send to hell, so to execute virgins first they have to be married” So it was customary in Prisons that young girls were going to be raped by the guards before their execution under the name of ‘Sieghe’ (Short contract length of Marriage). Another news was that, there is a Fatva (Religious order) for draining blood of those who were going to be executed before their execution for giving it to the victims of the war. Among different kind of torture implied in the prison, rape of young girls and boys were very common. Very often, to obtain their information we were hearing the rape of sisters and wives in front of their brothers and husbands have taken place. Other news was different kind of torture, which they were using in the prisons for finding new information’s from those who were arrested.

            Each week there was a chart about new number of executions and names and particulars of those executed, including executions of members and supporters of other groups. These numbers were changing very rapidly for example by the beginning of October it was like this: Mojahedin, 566. Feda’ian (minority as Majority was now with members of Tudeh party in the camp of the regime): 24. Paykar: 44. Rah’a Kargar: 6. Komalea (an Kurdish organisation): 6. Ashraf Dehghani organisation: 16. By December the numbers of executions rose sharply. Seeing pictures and letters of those executed were very painful and rarely one could see or read them and not cry. Among them one was very painful that we read it collectively and I remember all of us were crying while we were reading it. It was will of a young Militia girl called GITI’OL SADAT JOZE. Part of it was like this: “ . . . I kiss your face from far away, and send my regard to every body, among them my dear kind mother, the one who gave all her life for us. The one who was burned like a candle and instead enlightened our life. And my lovely father who spend all his life for our well beings. I ask God patience and endurance for every body, I have missed you all, including dear Mr. Mansur, and knotty little Nasser, them and all other relatives of ours, I have missed all of them badly. Dear mother please tell them all, that I chose this path with honour and pride. With this hope that my unworthy life be part of price for freedom of all oppressed . . . God willing, I hope one day you can see that just society of monism. My dear mother I swear you to God, not to cry for me, any time do you want to cry, remember how am I suffering because of that? . I ask you instead for once, instead of listening to different people. Sit and think. You know I wished, once more I was able to see you all, firstly because I have missed you a lot and on top of that to tell you about things which I have seen here (i. e. in prison). I am sure nobody has seen or heard about crimes that have been committed here. I wished I could see you and tell you about them, and then perhaps you could believe me.”

            This sort of news not only had great effect on us but many from other countries were showing strong reaction towards them including an Italian woman who in protest against killing of children in Iran publicly burned herself. Her picture and her speech were published in the paper. This news alone created another wave of reaction, now many of Mojahedin supporters were suggesting burning themselves publicly in protest.

            There was rarely any real trial for those who were imprisoned or executed or at least proper one or public one. Once there was a public trial of one young Mojahed fewer than eighteen called Daryosh Salhshoor. In his trial he said:.”. I was one of those who fought with Shah’s regime and stood against military Tanks, The only thing which forced me to take arm and stand (against this regime) was believe in Mojahedin, which I had and I have and I will have till my last drop of blood, According to this believe I could feel that present regime with oppressing freedom of people has chosen to have the same direction as America. As I am bloody against American and I will be, I took arm and this is the reason of this trial. . Here whoever who believes in his path is called “MOHARAB” (fighting against God), but I don’t care as from the beginning when I chose this path, I was ready for any accusations, I am follower of Imam Hussein, they accused him in Karbela as well. They called prophet Mohammed as mad, and Imam Ali as apostate. Why should I be afraid of anything as I am following their path? . . . I know the verdict of this court. Many of my friends were executed too; I will go toward them . . .” He said all of this when he was asked by the judge to say something that makes the court lenient, to pardon him as he was under eighteen.

            To save myself from choosing between forgetting my believes and principals or forgetting about my responsibilities toward resistance and against tyranny; I decided to refer to Mojahedin themselves. I wrote a very lengthy letter explaining in details what had happened, my dilemma and asked them to let me know what to do? At the same time I explained to those around me about that letter and the reason for not doing anything till I receive some kind of answer from the Mojahedin. MSS policy was to isolate us as much as possible and not let us to do anything under the name of the supporters of Mojahedin. Once we attended a demonstration in London, it was obvious that many of members and supporters had been told not to talk to us. Many, including, my old friends, were not prepared to talk to me, and when I wanted to do so, they were turning their back towards me. Once one of them who apparently didn’t know about my situation, came with smile as usual to talk; I noticed immediately one of the organisers of the demonstration came toward him and in front of me told him he is a traitor and you shouldn’t talk to him! It was sad, strange and unbelievable for me to see or hear things like that. By then I was not able to see my own naiveté; I was thinking that all those policies are decided and directed by the MSS itself and it has nothing to do with the Mojahedin. Although I was not brought up to see life as black and white, but events of past few months, lose of friends, my naiveté and my political immaturity had forced me to see Iranian regime as total ‘Black’ and Mojahedin as complete ‘white’. It was impossible for me to accept, see, listen or even think about anything against Mojahedin. My only worry was that my bourgeois class tendency, my selfishness, my sense of revenge against what unjustly had been done and said against me influence my own decision for what to do next. As a result I wanted to be patient enough in making decisions. Perhaps if I was not joined by others who were sharing the same believes and principals with me, and if I was not feeling any responsibility toward them, making decision was much easier, and perhaps I was ready to chose my own political passiveness and was ready to return to my own normal life?!

            The Sadatti society

            I was under extreme pressure to do something during past five months; we were not able to do anything politically. This was our punishment of rebelling against MSS. It was almost two months from sending my letter to Mojahedin, and yet I had no answer from them. Some times we were able to attend public activities of MSS where they could not stop us in joining them. Among them we joined them in new hunger strike they had by the start of the winter in London. Among people joining that hunger strike we were out cast. Weather was very cold, hunger and cold had their own effect on us, but more upsetting and stressful, was that unlike others or the previous hanger-strike we had, we were banned of distributing any material, or doing anything else. As a result all the time we had to sit in the cold weather, in the pavement, talking with each other and watching activities of others. Even in bedtime we were separated from others and had our corner to sleep.

            Among us seven were full time advocate of the Mojahedin. Most of the times we were together, doing nothing about goals and aims that changed us from ordinary people into full time political activist. There were about ten or fifteen others who were coming to see and stay with us for day or two each week. They had their own private life, still, some how, they too, were suffering from inactivity imposed on us, especially as all of us used to work some times twice more than ordinary people. Sense of guilt for doing nothing. Sense of uselessness, pressure of news we were receiving from Iran, and some times family pressure for returning to normal life, were creating problems of its own. On top of them were our domestic problems, seven people living in two small bedrooms flat, in that situation could create more problems than ever. By now I was forced to solve all mental and material problems arose by the situation we were in. Most important of all how can we be active again. There were few very young people around us whom I was more afraid for them than any body else, as they could change direction and waste their life easily. I was not able to stop myself feeling responsible in front of every body especially them. Eventually we decided to organise our own organisation supporting the same Mojahedin. During those few months we had been able to use everybody’s talent, to prepare different material needed for any political activities including posters, Banners, written materials, different booklets … We were hoping after return to MSS, those material can be beneficial for the organisation. In this way we could feel our time was not wasted completely. As another gesture, I wrote another letter to Mojahedin and explained the situation; I included the pictures and photocopies of all prepared materials by us. Again asked them what to do. I wrote: “If in month time we don’t receive any answer, we can conclude that, our problems are too small compare to the problems you are facing at the moment that you have no time dealing with them. We feel we have been forgotten and to solve our problems, we have to think and decide ourselves. At the moment with the policy of MSS in isolating us, we have no alternative except to establish our own society to support Mojahedin actively.” One month past and we received no news from Mojahedin, and no change in MSS behaviour toward us.

            Eventually we decided to start our activity on eleventh of February, the day of victory of the revolution. We thought the best action to introduce ourselves with is a hunger strike in protest against what was happening in Iran. To avoid any conflict of interest with MSS, we decided, not to be active wherever MSS members were active enough. So instead of being contradictory to their activities, we could be complementary. We decided to call our society Sadatti after the name of the first political prisoner under new regime, who by then was executed. Also we decided to publish a paper called in the same name, again hopefully complementary to the Paper of MSS.

            On eight of February we heard shocking and unbelievable news from British media. Mussa Khiabani the leader of Mojahedin inside Iran, Ashraf Rabia’i, High ranking member of Mojahedin and Rajavi’s wife along few members and leaders of Mojahedin such as Azar Reza’i sister of famous Reza’i brothers, where ambushed and killed by the revolutionary guards. We were shocked as much as we were not able to mourn or cry. For hours we even didn’t talk to each other, nobody knew what to say and how to mourn. They were not ordinary martyrs of the revolution; whole resistance inside of the country was dependent to the leader ship of them. Even popularity and legitimacy of the resistance was dependent on them. Whenever we were asked about presence of Rajavi out side of the country we used to point out that his wife and his child and Khiabani are there. Apart from all these factors, we all had some personal affection especially for Khiabani. We had seen his face times and times again, and heard his voice many times. He was perhaps equally as popular as Rajavi, his honest face and voice was a great credit for the movement. Politically this incident helped in rising many questions, how do we claim that we are going to overthrow the regime while we are not able to look after the leader of our resistance inside Iran. How come this unstable and weak regime has been able to bare all loses of its high-ranking members and substitute them easily and continue its war with Iraq and now stroke us in this level?!!

            We all wanted to be alone and mourn alone. Soon we felt we cannot do it at home, some of us decided to go outside and mourn there and leave empty rooms for others. I used to go to a park near to our flat and sometimes thinking while watching a very nice lake over there with the swans swimming there like angels. This time with an excuse for an hour or two I left the house and went there to gaze on the lake and swans. I was not thinking about anything, it seemed my mind was blocked, I was crying without noticing it, and only when I noticed what I was doing, which I found few people are watching me with strange look. When I returned home, some body asked me what are we going to do? I told her I don’t know and asked them if for few hours I can be alone in one of the rooms. By then everything was prepared for us to have our hunger strike in the university of Edinburgh as start of our work under Sadatti society. Did I have to forget every thing, including those ideas that I was considering them as my own principals? Should I tell every body to go back and if they don’t, I should do it myself? Was it right? Was it fair to every body? To think, I start drawing a very large banner of Khiabani. While it was hanged in front of me from ceiling to the floor. I start writing about Khiabani, who he was, and what he did during his Short life. I decided to tell every body about two alternatives we had, and ask them to decide collectively what should we do. Should I say sorry and pretend everything from the beginning was my mistake and pave the way for everybody to return and work as before. Or stand by our previous decision and do what we decided to do. We informed those of us who were not with us to think and let us know about their decision. Hence every body had to decide for me and I was prepared to accept their decision as my own. In the middle of discussion some body corrected me and others by mentioning that those principals are not mine any more and are everybody who were with us. So not only me but also all of them have to say they have been wrong and apologise for something that they don’t believe is wrong. For the rest of our life we had to be with Mojahedin with a big question mark in our mind. Apart from being right or wrong, was it practicable and could we do it? After many discussions the decision of every body was to follow our own previous decision. As a result we start our hunger strike with new banner of Khiabani.

            During next few months we had several meetings and Pickets and exhibition in different cities where we knew MSS is not and cannot be active. For example while they joined May Day demonstration in London we did in Edinburgh. Our activities, although were against Iranian regime and supportive of Mojahedin and NCR, always they were banned by MSS. They were telling other supporters that with what we are doing we are helping Iranian regime rather helping them. Whenever we wanted to answer them back, we were writing an old article of Mojahed in our paper, to remained them about monopolist actions of reactionaries and response of Mojahedin. In another article we reminded them, as supporter of Mojahedin we too can think and can act and not everything has to be dictated word by word from Mojahedin. In that article one of the organisations once in coalition with Mojahedin and now against them were claiming Mojahedin are sending their supporters under beating and torture . . . Rajavi’s answer to their claim was: “they think this generation of revolution doesn’t have mind of its own, or will power, a member of a revolutionary organisation is build in the society and knows what he is doing otherwise the organisation will burst like a balloon.” Any way to make sure we are not out of line, we were sending the reports and pictures of all our activities for the Mojahedin. But we were not receiving any response.

            During those days each issue of MSS magazine at least had one interview with Rajavi, usually were very informative Including his discussions about different articles of program of NCR, why the name of provisional government is ‘Democratic Islamic republic’ while they are talking about separation of religion and politic. About overthrow of the regime he was claiming every thing is ready and the regime is at its weakest point more isolated than ever inside and outside of the country. “People are hating them even more than Shah’s regime. Their overthrow is very soon, sooner than what one might think.” In one of his interviews with a French weekly he said Khomieni regime is worse than Imperialism and asked what Imperialism has done to us and is going to do, which by now Khomieni regime has not done it. Hence this regime is our first enemy.

            Still Death to imperialism could be seen at the end of some communiqué, and some times in the paper. At the same time calling Imperialism especially American Imperialism as our enemy was part of the program of the provisional government, but with this interview one could feel that Mojahedin are changing their policy toward Imperialism and this was the same question we were asked by the supporters of other groups. To answer them back we were reprinting some of the old article of Mojahed about Imperialism in our magazine to show nothing has changed and as we thought and believed he merely compared animosity of Khomieni with Imperialism!

            During those days we could see pictures of Rajavi in each issue of the paper in different shape and sizes, which of course we liked it very much and were welcoming it. There were his words his letters and his messages to different people; rarely one could see any name from Mojahedin except his with one exception as when he named Ali Zarkash as the commander in chief of Mojahedin inside of the country. Then in a letter, when there was a congratulation of central committee of Mojahedin to Rajavi for martyrdom of his wife and Khiabani, we saw for the first time his new title as the first responsible of the organisation. (Masoul aval). We knew what does ‘masoul’ in the organisation mean, hence we could imagine where is he seating from then on.

Family or ‘country’ - Taste of bitterness of love

During winter Anna told me that we are going to have our second child. I didn’t know should I be sad or happy. Sharing another child with one you more than anybody else love, by it self was joyful and a very happy news. What Sarvy brought us was exactly that, joy and happiness, we both were in love of her; but new child? I guess I was not ready for that. Financially our future was blank. We didn’t have country to go to. No wealth or saving. No income or job. Although I was in my final stage of my study, but I wasn’t keen to finish it as I knew it will be useless in my future life and as a result in that situation which rarely I had time for any thing, study was the last thing I could think of and spend time for. Politically we were fighting Iranian regime without having a moral and material support of our mother organisation. On top of all these responsibility of those who were with us, and were looking at me for solving different personal and political problems. In that situation I neither could be happy nor sad of hearing that news. Some how I was indignant and annoyed or perhaps feeling pique, as I could feel that Anna has decided about the new child by herself. I was wondering the one that I love most and I knew she does the same, how ignorant could be about our situation and the pressure I was suffering. Although she was my wife; politically I wanted her to be as independent as possible, so when I was asked not to go to the MSS’s base it was her decision to join others and perhaps even led them in leaving the society. I was ready to accept all responsibility for the situation, which we were in. But, I was hoping to see some sympathy from her and share of responsibility. Instead she was expecting me to be happy and show her more love and affection than ever. Obviously she was not happy of the situation of our house, which was very overcrowded. She wanted more privacy, which nobody could deny it. She wanted more time and understanding and care from me, which again was completely understandable and just. But well above my power and ability. By now I was paralysed between two love and two responsibilities, without any body around me to help me or perhaps even understand me; love and responsibility toward my country from one hand and toward my family on the other hand. What they could see in me was a strong and vehement and decisive person, which knows what he wants, where is he going and has capacity for carrying many responsibilities with himself. While I was feeling like Indian torture seen in Cowboy’s movies; my feet were fastened to two bender branch of two huge trees, trees of love, and now they were freeing those branches and at any moment I was going to be torn from the middle.

            For years Anna had shown all care, love and understanding that one might expect from a loved one. She had accepted all hard ship existed in our life, she was not a politician or interested in politic, She was not revolutionary or activist, but because of me and for me she became one. And now after few months’ immense pressure she wanted to have some of her life and her families and her husband back. I used to remember Jean Paul Sartre’s Question, ‘choosing between looking after ill mother (love for family) or go to war for defending home country?’. His answer was direct and correct, one has to choose the former one as without country, there cannot be any family and one will lose both. About the same time life story of two young Militia girls, two martyred sisters of ours were printed in the paper of Mojahedin. GOHAR ADAB-AVAZ, with suicide attack she killed DASTGHAIB the representative of Khomieni in Shiraz and 12 revolutionary guards. Before this operation she wrote: “I don’t think I am the owner of my own existence. My existence belongs to God, people and the Mojahedin organisation. If my life can pave the way (for others), it will be a worthless present for this path. I with an awareness and eagerly decision am waiting for that day.” Was my life and love, my interest in my private life more important than this young Militia? How easily she was able to sacrifice everything for her goal and now I was paralysed in choosing between Anna’s demands and my responsibility toward my country and my people?!

            The next Militia sister, Sorya Abolfatehi in a letter to her husband, before her execution, had written: “my dear, I hope you be very good and in highest point of happiness and moral, more decisive than ever along other brothers and sisters Mojahedin battalions be successful in fighting against unjust and tyrant. I am sitting in the corner of prison waiting for time of execution. Alas ( regret ) that the length of our common life was very short. And even during that short time as a result of my lack of experience and mental pressure, I was not able to be your ideal and good wife. I wished there was a time and place for amends and restitution for all those days. But will of God was something else. While we were only few months together, I am carrying a haversack full of memories and love. During these days every night by remembering your star I go to sleep. Most of the times I am able to dream you, then I can realise the depth of my love for loved one. Now I have plenty time for thinking. Remembering those old days, and preparing myself for disconnection from life and all loved ones. These separation though very painful, but when one thinks of the greatness of the way which for paving that path one has sacrificed all these goodness. Then the greatness of the decision itself can be realised. My dear husband, I sacrificed our pure love for a higher love, love for God and people and struggle. And expect you to do the same thing. At the same time I ask you to pray for me that God accept me as one of the Martyrs. Do send my regard to all sisters and brothers . . .”

            Well while Anna, perhaps because of pregnancy had reached to the anger state of mind. Some times understandably wanted to cry as loud as possible, and was showing her depression and anger without any reservation or consideration. Perhaps after asking her to read above will of Sorya, I told her that if she pushes me to choose, I have to choose my country and God, freedom and people. By now she was not prepared to help others, and rarely she was kind and happy. We were rarely talking to each other and even were not living in the same room. Sure of my decision, and myself I left her to decide what she wants to do with our life. I too concisely showed her less kindness and attention, to let her know that she cannot change my decision by leaning on my love for her. Soon this situation was realised by others and understandably they suggested seriously we think of larger house or flat and as a result we found two apartments in a semi-detached house in Gateshead, and moved there. Now part of Anna’s problem was solved, but her mental problem and questions of the future, which she was facing was left to be solved. I can imagine, she too was in death-lock, what could she do? She could not go back to Iran; she was pregnant, and vulnerable. Perhaps she even thought of divorce, but how? Her feeling for me was not changed from love to hate. I presume it was not so easy to hate me as she could see those things, which I was faced with. She could only blame me to love my country more than her or for spending more time for my responsibility rather than for her . . . but still this blames were limited as she knew the trend of events and how every thing was imposed on me. She could see that our life is not worse than millions of life of our countrymen and women. What we were suffering was imposed on us by present history. Our will power for choosing the present situation or changing it for good was limited. Any way, even in new house rarely we were talking to each other and used to live as stranger.

An important ‘telephone call’

By now to attract international support, Mojahedin were changing their appearances, their character, and their slogans and even their Iranian literature. So they were very cautious about repeat of their past articles and positions, especially those against the west and America. Although rarely here or there still one could see slogans of death to Imperialism, but certainly it had domestic use for other revolutionary groups which Rajavi was very hopeful to attract them towards the NCR. MSS members were not wearing American military overcoat any more and one could see their representatives with tie and smart cloth here and there talking with Liberals and even conservatives. Contrary to MSS, still we were supporting our Ideal and dream and perhaps imaginary Mojahedin Organisation. Pure, honest, freedom loving, independent, and anti Imperialism. So we were reprinting many old materials, and were interpreting the events as they were. We were stressing that struggle of Mojahedin against Imperialism has not changed, but at that juncture was passing from their struggle against dictatorship of Khomieni. We announced soon we are going to publish our English publication as well; I presume news of printing a paper in English with our attitude clearly against diplomatic policies of Mojahedin, and perhaps realising our steadfastness in carrying to support Mojahedin against any obstacle. Forced Mojahedin to recognise us and make a contact with us.

            One day when I answered a telephone call, the person on the other side of the line. Told me he is Mohsan (ABOLGHASEM) Reza’i and is calling from Mojahedin. I start laughing and told him, please don’t make joke, I am too busy. I presumed one of our friends is making joke. After few seconds I realised he is not joking and he is really who he claims he is. For me all Mojahedin members were like angels. Clean, pure, sinless and faultless. So perhaps it was like being called from heaven by one of the angles of God. I start answering with faltering and impediment. He asked me how every body is, what are we doing, do we have any news from home. And then after these kind and caring questions, he told me that he has heard about our activities, and we have had some mistakes in our activities, firstly, choosing the name of Sadatti for our society. As regime was claiming that Sadatti was against leader ship of Rajavi. Then he told me if we want to continue in doing what we were doing we should take advice and before printing anything under the name of supporters of Mojahedin get permission from Mojahedin. I answered we never have had intention of working separately and having any separate organisation or printing any paper. We were forced in this path. “We couldn’t be passive at this important and decisive point of our history. To be active we did need means and materials to work with, MSS was not ready to let us to distribute its papers and other materials, and so we had to produce our own ones.” I feel he had different information and impression about us, perhaps he was told how bad and selfish we are, how Liberal and pro-Banisadr we are, how rebel and anti organisation and perhaps anarchist we are. I felt for few moments he was surprised and confused. Now which I know him and his personal character very well, can realise why he had few moment of silence. Then soon he realised that he is not dealing with some rebel, to be as kind and as cautious and politician as he was. He was talking with an honest sympathiser in love of the Mojahedin with full love and respect for all Mojahedin including him. Hence his voice was changed from questioning and suggesting in to decisive, from kindness and understanding into ordering and asking. He asked me that we have to forget every thing from past and return to MSS and work there. They are part of Mojahedin. What ever they do and they ask had to be considered as Mojahedin doing and asking. We had to obey orders of any body nominated as our ‘masoul’. I told him every thing you say is fine by us, except forgetting the past that has to be decided collectively and I have to ask others, as in the past we felt we have to know what was wrong with whatever we were saying.” While he was saying good-bye, he asked me to talk with others and any time they were ready to obey this order of the Mojahedin (and not MSS anymore) we can return and work as before. Until then we had to stop working or doing anything. Now he was not asking me any more if we want to carry our work as before or not. He was telling me that we had to stop working. I told “him how can we do this. We feel responsible, and Ideologically we know being passive means working with enemy, how can we waste life and energy which belongs to people, God and Mojahedin?” He said: “well some times doing things is more damaging than beneficiary. On behalf of your leader organisation I am asking you to do this, if you consider yourselves as supporters of Mojahedin you have to obey this order. Otherwise you are free to do anything that you like. But you should not call yourselves supporters of Mojahedin and enjoy support of people given to you on behalf of Mojahedin.” Some how I felt he thinks that we are getting financial help from people on the behalf of the Mojahedin. I explained to him how with hardship we have spend all our savings for our activities and have not received help from anybody else. I told him that I am going to send him a financial report about all our income and expenditure. We said good-bye. His order was clear. Afterward we had a meeting. In that meeting I told every body that my vote is to obey Mojahedin’s order and return to MSS. but as before and as I have told them too I am obeying what ever they vote. Every body’s decision was as before:” they were not prepared to forget the past and at least they need an answer if we have been right or wrong in our principal.” I told them in this case we have to do nothing till we are told what to do.

Next time when Reza’i called me to hear about our decision. I told him their answer and asked him if they can send a representative from Mojahedin to talk to them and answer their questions and persuade them to follow the order of Mojahedin.

            Some times later a representative of Mojahedin called Mussa and my old friend Ebrahim who by now was responsible of the MSS in Britain came to visit us. In the meeting I was silent and listening to what Mussa had to say. After Mussa’s speech, our friends start asking him question after question. Their questions were sharp and clear and straight; mostly about basic rights of a sympathisers and the relation between leadership and members . . . Democracy and freedom. I felt Mussa either was not able to answer or didn’t want to do so. After listening to all questions, he start a lengthy speech which is custom of Mojahedin when they want to go around a question and not to say the truth or when they want to force one to swallow a bitter reality. Eventually he said: “when part of body is rotten and its colour has changed into black, it has to be cut and thrown away. It is painful. Once it had been part of healthy body and was working as perfectly as other part. It was loved and cherished as other members of the body. But when that part is ill, death and its illness might infect other part and destroy the rest of the body, however painful it has to be cut out and thrown away; this is what Imam Ali did with Khavaraj; and this is what Mojahedin have done with some of their members.” I was sad and hurt, full of pain, and regret. I could feel my heart in my mouth. I was silent while was trying not to say anything. I knew what he was saying and everybody else too. Before saying these things he gave many examples of kinds of tortures that are imposed on our brothers and sisters in prisons, their suffering and their sacrifices. Examples of those who have no home in Iran and are not able to be with their parents or any of their own families and in night time have to sleep in trenches and underneath of the cars to save themselves from the eyes of revolutionary guards. For days they had to eat piece of bread if they find any as they cannot have their share of food ration and are so poor that they cannot buy any thing from black market. Well his words about what is happening inside Iran brought tear to our eyes but unfortunately were not able to wash what he wanted to say as conclusion. He wanted to benefit from all the feelings of those young boys and girls for Mojahedin, Martyrs, and people in prison under torture, battalions inside of Iran . . . Just to force them to accept that I was a rotten part of the organisation that had to be cut and thrown away. Our members were angry and sad, perhaps as angry and sad as I was. One by one started leaving the room. Mussa was disappointed and angry too. I don’t know perhaps he himself while he was saying those things only was doing his job and didn’t believe in them. As about ten years latter when he was one of the high ranking member of Mojahedin army, had to pretend that after a crush on his eye, has lost his stability and mentality. And when he was sent to France for treatment he escaped from the organisation to join his brother for having an ordinary life.

            I think at least once in a life time, one can see the reality as it is, can hear the truth however bitter it is, can think rightly as he should. And can decide correctly how difficult it might be. That day was my day and those few seconds of silence were my moment. After Mussa’s speech while still he was sitting in the room and was drinking tea, I saw my friend Ebrahim. I told him: “this was not right, even if whatever he said was right, saying it now was not right, he was here to attract these guys to the organisation, not throw them away. Still it is to early for them to accept that I was a rotten piece of the MSS that had to be cut and thrown away. He thinks that I have deceived these guys and have brain washed them, and he has the responsibility to reverse every thing. While the question, which they asked even if one day were just my questions, by now are theirs as well. So if one be called rotten because of believing in them, it implies every body over there was rotten too.” Ebrahim showed sad face and without saying anything with his silence agreed with me. Then I told him whatever I did and I said, you know perfectly well, all of them were from my education and understanding of Mojahedin’s teaching. He showed angry face and told me: “when do you want to forget about those things that you have read, forget your idealism, and face the reality. Accept things including Mojahedin as they are and not as you wish or think they should be. Please forget reading, see the real Mojahedin, accept them and let us to work hard to get rid of Khomieni. After that there is plenty time for everything.” His words were like a hammer banging on my head. But instead of waking me up, they made me un-conscience.

            That was my moment, but instead of opening my eyes and seeing the reality, I closed them not to see anything at all. Instead of opening my ears to hear the fact of life, I closed them not hear any more. Instead of forcing myself to think, I shut my mind to any doubt and questions. I lost that moment of my life. Suddenly the castle of my hopes and desires was fallen, I lost my trust in words and writings. I decided not to read any more books, and rarely I did, as long as I was with Mojahedin.

Every body’s decision was clear. We were told not to do anything, and only attend public activities of MSS and MSS ‘masoul’ will call us if they need us to do anything.

A punishment for a question

We were back to bad old days, having nothing to do. I was seeing my self-responsible for all those waste of energy and talents. To fight passiveness and other problems that could bring with it, I was more paralysed than ever. By now even I could not encourage any body to read any book as I myself had lost all my faith in books and writers. I couldn’t ask them to draw any thing, or do any thing else. “what for?.” Our future as a group was finished and as individuals every thing was under question and unknown. We sent everything political material we made to London to be used over there. Our feeling of being rejected and useless was as high as anything very simple could mean a lot for us, when we saw our works has been used in activities of MSS, we felt happy and proud. I was responsible in front of people, God and Mojahedin and more than any body in front of my own conscious about waste of time of all those people around me. What could I do? I had to keep their hope and moral alive. I had to fight against passiveness. I had to keep them as they were, as sympathisers of Mojahedin. Among us there were some who had their own private life, working as usual, as well as having, their political activities. For them accepting that situation was much easier. They could spend more time for their study and I was encouraging them to do so. But some had broken all bridges behind themselves and were not ready or able to return to their study. Once one of them suggested we do some exercises in early mornings, I found this suggestion as part of the solution; although I was very lazy in any kind of exercise, but each early morning I was forcing every body to go together for exercise. Although our unified, military type of exercises in park near our base in Gateshead could raise suspicious of our neighbours. As it was the only mean I could keep every body active, I was prepared to accept all the consequences and continue doing it.

            When I was going to leave university my supervisor who was very kind and understanding, a real gentleman, talked to me in length. He was advising me not to ruin my future. When I told him about events of Iran and told him I cannot think any more and do anything. He told me: “You have finished you research and the only thing is left typing it and handing it over, then you have to prepare yourself for an oral examination that I know is not difficult for you.” He even later sent me a letter repeating the same thing and asked me at least go and see him to tell him about my computer programming so it can by used or even sold for the cause of our resistance. Now I could do that. Few of my friends were telling me “if you get your doctorate it is beneficial for the movement and future of Iran as well” But how could I think about going back to study while I could see many talented young people around me, who had to be saved from any deviation in their course of being a revolutionary and a Mojahed. They were as sincere and honest about their aim that they were not showing any kind of regret about loss of their own future and time wasted for holding on their beliefs.

             Once we were so bored that we start making a small garden in our small backyard that later when we didn’t grow anything in it, we were wondering how we could get rid of it. Any way that was a good thing as took a lot of our time to build it and ruin it again. Each weekend all other friends of us ten to twenty were coming to us from different cities. Although it was fun and they could reduce our misery but to see them I could feel even more responsible, worried and sad. They were telling me the most private problems, feelings and thoughts they had and were expecting me to have some advice or perhaps solution for their problems. Each time hearing their problems, not only was forcing me to see their problem as my own with all its worries and heart beatings, but also could make me more miserable and worried, if I am giving them right advice.

            About the same time there was news of Israelis attacks to Lebanon, following that every night there were heart-rending and disturbing news of killing common Palestinian in different villages and cities of Lebanon. During all Shahs’ era and his ties with Israelis, and also reading literatures of Mojahedin, we had found special feelings for Palestinians. To see their murder was like seeing murder of Iranian by foreigners. Even we heard one of our brothers, called YADOLA’A, a member of MSS in London who while was watching the news, of those events suffered a heart attack and later died in hospital. Rajavi to show the true nature of Khomieni who we believed not only isn’t against Israel, but is the worst enemy of Palestinian; and at the sometime showing how strong Mojahedin are in Iran, Issued a communiqué asking Khomieni if he is really worried for what is happening in Lebanon; let Mojahedin supporters pass from Iranian borders and join Palestinian in defending them against Israelis. He promised that he could send one hundred thousand combatants to Lebanon. This statement made all of us very happy and proud, following his position there was a communiqué from MSS that all their members and their wealth are under PLO order. They announced they are going to join all activities of Palestinian. Following that, for the first time we were called by Ebrahim and he asked us to draw a banner and prepare some material as we want to join a large demonstration in support of Palestinian. Two of our brothers and a sister draw that banner using a very nice Palestinian poster. and others prepared other materials. Once more after sometime we were feeling useful and were glad to see ourselves like that.

The surrender

            After that demonstration I called our friends and this I tried as hard as possible to persuade them to forget about the past and return to MSS. By then, I had been able against my own astonishment to face many difficulties and problems. We could pass many obstacles, but now I could see myself paralysed and weak in fighting against passiveness of others and myself. I was in love of one by one of those people sitting in that room, I wished I could name them one by one here and write pages for each one of them. About their honesty, their sacrifices, their patience, their talent, their kindness, their hard working. How could I wait any more and see all those fine fruits of our people’s life and struggle rotten and wasted. I was not able to burden that responsibility any more. While my hands were tied to do any thing at all. This time I was not silenced any more and fought and answered all opposition remarks. At the end we decided to surrender and return to MSS. We did accept not to ask and not to think about the past. I wrote to Mohsan Reza’i; then he called me back and asked me to start working with MSS again. Later he asked us to take responsibility toward doing some thing very special and secretive, he said this is especial responsibility that we have to report it back to Mojahedin in Paris. Well it was an honour and privilege. We were going to receive small print of MSS paper and send them to different addresses. Those addresses were not addresses of Mojahedin’s supporters but ordinary Iranian. We knew regime knows about those newspapers, but as they could not control all postages from abroad we were sure at least many of them will reach to their destinations. So our work was secretive to every body except the regime. To make it difficult for the regime to trace them, we had to post them in different envelopes and with different type of stamps and from different cities. Apart from that, we were asked to join MSS members and supporters in our region in their every day sell of ‘Iran-Liberation’, English edition of MSS paper.

The conclusions of one year ‘resistance’.

In political scene there were messages of Rajavi in anniversary of establishment of NCR and also his ‘adding up’ of first year of resistance. In those messages, he refereed to achievements of the resistance in different scene. Including number of supports gained in international level. He mentioned that by then more than two thousand of the high-ranking members of Iranian regime have been killed by Mojahedin. Their tactic as it was called: ‘ZADAN SAR ANGOUSHTAN EKHTANAGH’ (killing the fingers of repression, namely revolutionary guards and Heazbollahies. ) . To break the atmosphere of fear created by the guards had been very successful. He mentioned as a result of this tactic. “By now it has been realised even by international dignitaries that the policy of execution, torture . . . of regime is not effective any more, and they are paralysed to stand against anger of people . . . As a result after passing the first stage of the revolution (i.e. ‘BE AYANDEH KARDAN REGIME’ (To make sure regime has no future and its overthrow is certain.)). Now it is for some time that we have entered into the second stage. (Breaking the atmosphere of fear and letting people to show their support for the Mojahedin.) And soon we will enter into final stage of overthrowing them.” He mentioned: “from now on as Iraq has withdrawn its forces from Iranian soil and has shown that they want peace. The war is not the war of Iranian; but the war of the regime; hence Khomieni himself and he alone is responsible for all killing and misery of people due to the war. As a result from now on our slogan will be ‘Freedom and peace’.” He added: “Mojahedin are true inheritors of Iranian revolutionaries like Mirza Kuochack khan, and National leaders like Mossadeq. They are true Moslems and real followers of path of Imam Ali and Imam Hussein. They are symbol of ‘Honesty’, ‘resistance’, and ‘self-sacrifice’. So to have any doubt about support of people for them is like blasphemy. … Khomieni is enjoying at most support of only %10 of the population and everything in his regime is dependent on him and him alone. . Hence if he dies his regime will collapse immediately.” He mentioned: “after big operations of the first stage of the resistance, many thought that collapse of regime is immediate and although it wasnot officially said from our side, but as we didn’t stop the rise of that expectation. We will consider ourselves responsible for rose of wrong hope, and disappointments came afterward. . . But as we see the situation and if there be no major unpredictable event, we are certain that the collapse of the regime is very soon and one should not reject the idea of its collapse in present year, even tomorrow. Regime is like a balloon, which has blown up to its full capacity and with any sharp object, can burst. We are sure that the length of our struggle for victory is in ‘Short-term’.” Then he defined ‘short-term’ as between one to three years, ‘Middle-term’ as between three to five years and ‘Long-term’, as more than five years. He said: “in our country’s past history always some have sacrificed every thing and have given their blood for the revolution, while others have benefited from their sacrifices. But this time we are not prepared to repeat the same history, we are not prepared to give the blood and suffer the tortures, and wait for a charlatan to come and steal the fruit of the revolution . . . This is why we have established the NCR,” At the end he talked about the Mojahedin and their supporters and mentioned their sacrifices and their hard workings, he said, “many of them have lost their beloved ones. Many their wives or their husbands, it is very painful and many of them have decided not to marry again, while I am advising them and bachelors to marry.”

            Well he himself married three months later. He married Banisadr’s daughter and by then I could call him as one of our family. His marriage as one could guess, create many problems and questions for not only ordinary Iranian but for our supporters too. Usually according Iranian traditions people mourn for deceased wife or husband at least for a year, with wearing black dresses and not joining any happy ceremonies. So nobody was expecting the leader of our organisation who in our view was the first teacher of humanity break that tradition and forget his martyred wife who by now was called symbol of Iranian resistance women. On the other hand big question was that if this marriage is a political one or do they have some feelings for each other. Either answer was full of new questions. How could Rajavi or as matter of fact any of us have any thought or feeling at those moments and could think of love and sex, while many were suffering in prisons and were dying in the streets of Iranian cities. If we were saying it is a political one, it was worse, how could we mix marriage and politic, love and politic. Once again does the end justifies the means?! Any way we were hoping nobody ask us any question in this respect and usually our answer was changing due to the one who was asking it. But we ourselves knew perfectly well. What was the main reason for that marriage? We were comparing it with many of Prophet’s marriages, for establishing friendship and relation between different tribes of Arabs for uniting them and making a nation out of few hundred or thousands different, separated tribes; as it was a custom of Arabs at the time. We knew for some time there were differences between Mojahedin and Banisadr and he was on the edge of splitting from Mojahedin to join others for creating a coalition, in our view an ‘anti-people, anti-revolutionary alternative.’ so Mojahedin wanted to tie themselves to Banisadr by making their leader as his son in-law.

Back to usual ‘life’ within the organisation.

During previous past few months I had more time to spend with Sarvy, I could take her from her school and while walking toward home we could play and chase each other. Although Anna and I still loved each other both were more proud and perhaps hesitant to make the first move for ending bitterness existing between us. Perhaps both were waiting to see surrender of other side to the wishes of oneself. Without saying it in words, she wanted to have an ordinary life and her husband back and I wanted her to realise that we can not turn the time back, it was not only our life changed forever, but life of all Iranian was changed, there was going to be changes in life of Millions of Iranian not only our generation but perhaps few generation after us.

             Once when I returned home, I found she is gone, apparently as she felt it is her due time. She called for taxi and had gone to Hospital. When I heard this I forgot every thing and rushed to hospital as fast as I could. When I reached there. Everything was over and we had found new child, a boy who we called him Hanif after the founder of Mojahedin ‘Hanif-Najad’. Although soon we forgot all those bitter things of the past and start loving each other as before. Still each time I am thinking of those days and especially final stage of her pregnancy, I feel ashamed of myself and sorry for her suffering especially when I think, unlike last time, there was nobody to comfort her while she was delivering our son.

            From then on we were as busy as we could, and as happy as we could imagine. Although still every day bad and good news were pouring on us, news of killing and torture and numbers of deaths here and there; what was important was the feeling of doing something about them and sharing responsibility in resistance against all those unjust and oppressive and inhuman actions. Now our time was divided in preparing those magazines for posting, and joining teams of selling newspapers. Anna as others now was back to work and was working as hard as others. Looking after Sarvy and Hanif was divided between different people, so she was not tied to children. Each day in return of those who had been out for selling newspaper we were gathering together and were listening to stories they had to tell us. Usually we had plenty to tell others. Including sympathy of people toward our cause that were very encouraging, how in rainy weather they were prepared to stand in the rain and listen to us and buy our newspapers. How with hearing our stories one could see drop of tears in their eyes, how they were touching our cold fingers in snowy days. Among stories there was story of an old woman with problem in walking, who had thought that she is buying evening chronicle and after hours, when she had noticed what had she bought, she returned to show more sympathy and understanding and helping more. Once I was selling news paper in Darlington, when I noticed few people as were called ‘Skin heads’ are looking at me and talking about what I am doing. as I had bad experience from London, I didn’t stop them to buy the newspaper. They felt my hesitation to sell newspaper to them, so one of them came to me and asked me what am I doing? Although I was a bite afraid of his intention. I start explaining to him about the situation in Iran . . . After few minutes, I felt the signs of sorrow in his face. Then he asked me what they could do to help us? He showed me few Pounds he had and while was apologising as it was not enough asked me to accept them for our cause. He asked if there is any chance that supporters of Iranian regime attack us over there? I told him the incidents recently had happened in London. He said OK from now on any time you are in Darlington we are going to Guard you. I was thankful and impressed, but at the same time there were many people who were hesitant to stop and talk with us while those young people were guarding us and even sometimes were stopping people for us to talk. So I thanked him and told him that we don’t want to take their time. But I was not so successful in persuading him and for few months each time we were selling newspaper in Darlington we were guarded by those kind ‘skin heads’.

Each week as we were sending more newspapers than before, the amount of money we had to spend for stamps and envelopes were increasing very fast. Whatever saving and income we had from Iran was going for this new expense. I estimated that if we continue to increase the number of postage with the same trend, in two weeks time we would be broke. So I wrote a report and asked for advice; I suggested if we use the remainder of our saving to establish a business, we would be able to afford paying for our job in the future. After some times I received an answer that we can search for a business and they are going to help us with stamps. For a week or two we start searching for different kind of business we could start. After every body searched enough and we talked for hours and examined all different suggestions. We decided to buy a Kabob van and make donner kabob and sell it in the street. We bought an old ambulance and asked a company to change that into a Kebab van. By then only there were two Kebab shops in our region, one Turkish and another one Iranian. Some how by watching we learned how they do that and later we found our own recipe for its taste. Then one night after delivering the van we start working, for mixing the meat we didn’t have proper mixer. Ours was an old small second hand one, which during mixing one had always to put wet material on top of that to keep it cool. We didn’t have any experience in arranging the first Kebab and I did the first try. Then the big moment came, we with our ugly and deformed Kebab. Unprofessionally chapped vegetable and self-invented sauce, while almost six people were ready and wanted to be first to serve the customers, and another car full of other brothers and sisters escorting us went toward our first day of business. That night the number of workers in our van was much higher than the number of customers. But soon we found proper sight in Durham city, and gradually we learned how to do everything and in no time Kebab was introduced by us to many people in Durham. We were fair, honest, educated and understanding. Soon we found many customers who were ready to come from far away to buy kebab from us. Even when an Iranian who had seen our success opened a Kebab shop close to us, as our customers were very loyal toward us, he couldn’t compete and had to change his business. Hence we could earn more and with borrowing money from supporters we could buy or second and third van.

            As during those days Mojahedin were under financial pressure, earning money was the most important job for all supporters. As a result they asked us to forget about sending those magazines concentrate all our efforts in earning money. Then weeks later I was informed that our section from then on will be a section of the MSS and I will be responsible for the Scotland and north east of England. They asked the old ‘masoul’ of the region to hand over his responsibility to me. All those who had chosen to work with MSS during our separation now were working with us. I think for everybody there was a sense of jubilation. Although Mojahedin never told us if we were wrong or right, our present situation was clear proof of their wrong predications and wrong judgements. They used to say we are going to find political and ideological problems with the organisation and soon we will join the regime. By then those who were practically paralysed to choose between MSS, or us were free to join us without any hesitation, hence the number of full time and part time supporters raised very rapidly.

            By now I had a new ‘masoul’, one of my old friend, who I had to see each week in different cities as he always was on move. While I was in our bases in those cities, I could feel somehow organisation’s relations have changed and at least there is less leftist behaviour. Instead of insisting on working on the floor, they were using chairs and tables. They were not eating from a tray any more, though still for breaking individualism, each two had to share a plate in eating times. Although still main decisions were coming like revelation or inspiration from above that nobody dared to question them or have any reservation about them, there were councils for doing miner jobs and in very low level, members were shared in decision-making. Now in each base Sisters and brothers had their own resting rooms. So there was a place for anybody who needed extra rest for example if they were ill. While in the past rarely in a base such a privilege existed and usually work places were changing into bedrooms during nighttime.

            I felt one thing that has changed for worse is ‘MAKHFIE-KARIE’ , ( being secretive - sharing the information on the base of the ‘need’ rather than ‘right’, while masouls were in charge of choosing, what is needed and what is not. ). Once I was asked to see my masoul in Leeds, the address I was given, was somewhere far from the city, where there were few houses. As I had to collect as much as money I could, I reached there when it was almost midnight. After getting off from taxi, I found nobody is in the house I was told. I was in the middle of no-where, with few thousand pounds in my bag. I walked for an hour to find a public phone. I called London to see what has happened, but as in the organisation every body was connected only to his masoul, I didn’t know whom can I ask for help, as my masoul was not there. Those who were answering the phone didn’t know where he is as knowing it, was not their need. They asked me for my phone number and asked me to wait there till they find somebody who could answer me. One or two hours past, I was very worried about the money I had with myself. My guess was that I had got wrong number for the house, and my question was somebody checks the number and gives me the right one. But nobody either knew it or was prepared to pass it to me. I called again and explained my situation and begged them to save me from that situation. Eventually they found the masoul of the MSS and asked her, through her I found out that at the last moment my masoul has changed his plan and the meeting was not going to take place in Leeds but Manchester. They had forgotten to tell me.

            By now there were different ‘Bases’, (houses where they used to live and work) for members, full time supporters and part time ones. Although bases for full and part time supporters could be mixed and they could share each other bases. But rarely one of them could come or share or even know about the base for members of the society. As by now we were part of MSS we had to follow this rule and I was asked to rent another flat for members and separate them from supporters. I resisted for weeks and argued: “it is not practical in our community as we work in Kebab van and we have to have the same status. We don’t have any secret to hide from each other. Our job is simple and open even for ordinary Iranian, there are many who help us for few hours each week and when they see our kindness, family sense of our relation, . . . they feel closer and are attracted to join us more often and help us more; with helping us more, they can see how effective they are in the struggle against the regime and they find more incentive to work harder. Having a secret base will ruin this relation between us and Iranian in our area” Well I forced to follow their order and I did rent another flat, but I didn’t keep that place as secret as I was asked to. I resisted in creation of ‘rank’ separation existed in MSS as a whole.

            Apart from living in different base, there were certain things that each member had to do. Every day early morning, they had to attend ‘MARASEM SOBEHGAHI’, (Matins ceremonies), Standing as they do in army, in a column, in front of pictures of Rajavi and Khiabani and emblem of Organisation, singing one of the songs of Mojahedin collectively, and at the end hailing Mojahedin, during that ceremony we had to do some military actions as well Turning right. Left, Walking or running in place . . . Although I, as masoul of the organisation there or as we were called commander of the section had to lead that ceremony, but as I was to slow in learning military and body actions, usually I was asking my deputy Mohsan or Anna led the ceremony instead of me and I was joining others. This ceremony as some times were very lengthy and very loud always were creating problems for us, including complain of neighbours or unstoppable laugh of people in our ranks. With permission of my masoul I moved this ceremony to our base for supporters and now they could join it as well. For some these ceremony was creating incentive and encouraging them in their daily work, as was reminding them of our people inside Iran and in Kurdistan. And for some it was matter for laugh and cheerfulness that could create many problems for me. Apart from a must in attending this ceremonies, every member had to fill a form each week reporting his everyday activity including if he or she has missed any of these ceremonies with explanation, if they have prayed every day, if they have read weekly paper of the MSS. especially messages and interviews of Rajavi. If they have written report of self-criticism . . . At the end of the week, I had to collect those reports, including mine and take them to my masoul wherever I was going to see him. Although financially, we were helping the organisation more than all other branches and sometimes equal to the total of the rest of them, as it was habit of the organisation to ask for more and believe that we can have more and we are not benefiting from all our capacity. They were asking for more and more. I asked the organisation if we could hold our income for two months to start new business and instead after a month return them. The answer I received was very rough and harsh. I was answered: “It seems you don’t know what is financial situation like, in Iran people are sleeping in the street and . . . In Paris some times ten people are working in one small room. In London we don’t have proper car and you are asking to hold income of a month or two. You don’t realise every day work of our organisation depends in money we receive every day . . .” So answer was ‘no’. This time I asked our supporters to see if we can borrow that money, I borrowed the money for buying a shop and I promised to give it back within a year. I didn’t tell the organisation about borrowing, as I knew if I do, they would ask me to send it immediately to London. As we always were under pressure to borrow money without insuring people about repayment. So first I asked for their permission to buy a shop without asking them for any capital, which they did. Then we rented a shop and made a contract for changing it into Kebab shop and then I informed my masoul about the borrowing. After month or two that shop start giving us extra income, they were asking.

The end justifies the means

One day I was asked for a trip to London with Anna, Sarvy and Hanif. I was surprised as for sometimes I was not asked to go to London, more surprised as we had to go as a family. We thought a lot and we guessed different things while we were going there. We went to one of the Bases of the MSS in London. Its atmosphere was very interesting, we could see all our old friends, those who till few months earlier were looking at us with hate and seeing us as enemy and were not prepared to say ‘salaam’ (greet us) or even say a word. Now were very friendly and kind. Playing with Sarvy and Hanif, showing more patience toward them, than us. Then we were asked to go to the base of ‘masoul’ of the MSS in Britain. By then as it was not my need I didn’t know her and who he or she is. Even in incident of Leeds I couldn’t talk to her directly and got her message through somebody else. Her nickname was Mahnaz, a member of Mojahedin, as by now the head of each society had to be a member of the Mojahedin. She was with all those quality we expected from a Mojahedin member. Her room was in second floor of the base that we found not many people are allowed or willing to go there. Soon I felt ‘rank separation’ is not only between members and supporters of the society, but even among members. There were boundaries that had to be respected. Members, who were living in different bases, either didn’t know about other bases or were not allowed to go to any other base except theirs unless asked to. Rarely one was asking or talking about the organisational matters and in tea-brake or lunchtime that all in each base had to gather in a room and eat together; there were rarely any serious or individual talk among them. While we were eating our lunch, I received a ball of pressed bread, which soon learned this is the game of lunchtime copied from prison game of Mojahedin members. Now every body was throwing those balls toward others and many were trying to throw it in each other’s teacup or soap dish to splash the liquid with obvious consequences. Well how strange and childish it was or looked like as could break the silence and create an atmosphere of joy, it was fun and more than any, Sarvy was enjoying it. Those who were visiting us from other bases moved this custom to Newcastle. And when it was going to be out of hand and few everywhere found black eyes as a result of those bread balls, by an order was stopped everywhere.

            When we met Mahnaz, she explained how is the financial situation in Iran and problems that our brothers and sisters are facing over there, only because of money. She told us very often, they have to choose between money and life of Mojahedin in Iranian situation that unfortunately most of the time, they have to choose to lose life because of shortage of money. As a result this is responsibility of each one of us to help them in anyway we could. Direction was to call our relatives and parents and ask them for help. To ask more we were supposed to tell them a story that enforce them to help us as much as they could and as soon as possible. I was told to call my father and tell him I have Brain haemorrhage or something like that and as in Sweden, I can find better medical support, I had to travel there. Suddenly I was facing many new problems. How could I call my father after three years not having any contact with him what so ever? Asking money in any amount was very difficult for me from any body especially my father. In whole my life even in most hard time of our life I never asked him or anybody else for money. Lying to my parents was different issue. Although anybody, including me might lie to any body including his or her parent, from fear or lack of understanding. But usually those kinds of lies are harmless and so called white lies. Apart from lie it could create several problems. Though my father was able to handle my illness however serious it was, I was not so sure about my mother. If she could hear about it what could happen to her. When I told Mahnaz about problems that I had. She starts preaching me for hour or two, again about problems of our brothers and sisters in Iran. Somehow I could feel what I heard before that Mojahedin believe in ‘end justifies the means’. Well after that discussion I was more ashamed of myself, as I could feel if I don’t do that I might be responsible of murder of few Mojahedin. I had to do it with all my might. We called Iran and Anna spoke to my father instead of me, with this excuse that I am so ill that I can’t talk. We asked him for few hundred thousand Toman, which during those days, it was still quite large amount of money. He asked for few days to prepare that money. When Anna called him again. He told us that he has asked one of the famous Iranian medical professors, relative of us residing in Paris to visit me in London and take the charge of every thing, he was supposed to take me to the best hospital available and my father was prepared to pay the price. Now we were facing a very big problem, what should we do with this professor? As we had to give a phone number to my father, soon we heard the professor in London calling that number searching for me. Well it was difficult, sad and disturbing, but at the same time funny for every body. In that house which we were calling our relatives. At any time there were few members of the organisation waiting for phone to be free for calling. The stories, which they were telling their parents, were some times funny sometimes sad and sometimes full of new problems. Two were saying they want to marry; now their parents in Iran wanted to meet each other and as a ceremony have a sweet together. In another marriage story family of bride wanted to come and attend the ceremony. One was saying he had a car accident and has killed somebody and has to pay ransom to save himself from prison . . . One, whose family were in London told them he want to forget politic and buy a shop and start business. His word had created enough incentive that his parents were prepared to pay any price for his return to normal life. But then they asked to see the shop and he gave the address of our shop in Newcastle. Later his parent had a trip to there to see the shop and they start discussing with us about the price, to buy it cheaper. Any way as this one was successful; our shop was ‘sold’ to the many more members. But in my case I was in death-lock and didn’t know what to do. Eventually I told Mahnaz that is better I talk to my father and tell him part of the truth. I called him and told him I am not as bad as they think, I am facing some problem which only I can tell him when I see him as the phones are tapped and I am worried if Regime find about it and this create problem for him. I reminded him that I never have asked him for money and if this was not important enough I was not going to do so. I asked him for his trust and promised him when we see each other I explain. I think he was happy to hear my voice and how I made him sure that nothing is going to happen for me. He promised to give the money.

            Following our return to Newcastle I was directed to talk to other members of our branch for doing the same thing and gathering some money. In this respect, we were not very successful, as I did not fully believe in what we were doing, of course later I was criticised for the same reason. Among those whom I thought I might be able to call and get help without lying. Was my old, best friend Farzad. When I called him, first he was very surprised and happy, then when I start talking about Mojahedin his voice changed and starts swearing at Mojahedin. He accused Mojahedin as responsible for all our misery, he told me why we have present regime is because of them and why at the moment many are suffering again is because of them. His words were like hammer on my head. While I was in Iran after the revolution he introduced me to some of his friends working in the same university who were supporters of Mojahedin. We talked a lot about Mojahedin and his attitude was supportive. But now everything was changed. Well it was end of our friendship, I never thought anything can break our friendship, but now could see how believe can change anything. And can destroy all different kind of relationships. By then perhaps I could understand Gillani the persecutor of the regime who was ready to sentence his sons to execution and vice versa his sons who were ready to kill him. I could understand that mother, who informed authorities on hiding place of his son and because of that became mother of year in Iran. I could see the animosity that exists in Iran among brothers and old friends. News of brothers reporting and killing each other. Bad, ugly, hateful, what ever it was, it was unavoidable and part of our new Iranian behaviour, anything under slogan of believe was acceptable and practicable. Believe and ideologies were the highest moral of all and could break any thing else.

By now there was new way of earning money introduced in the organisation, in short it was called SW or sponsor walk. It was suggested by one of our supporters who was a Pakistani sister. In this method while we were selling Iran Liberation weekly, we had a chart and were asking people if they can sponsor us for a walk to help Iranian families victims of atrocities of Iranian regime. As there was a lot of hate toward Iranian regime mostly created during hostage taking. And there were sympathy for those who were resisting against the regime. On top of that the stories and photographs of those tortured and killed by the regime. There were many who were prepared to support our cause in any way they could. As a result this method was going to be our main source of income. Hence we were under pressure to transfer some of our members to other societies for work of SW, and have more team of our own.

            Once when I was in London, I was asked about marital statues of our supporters in Newcastle. If they are single do they have any girl friends? what is the nature of their relationships? Who are their girl friends? . . . I had to admit, I was very ignorant about their personal life. Though most of the time they were talking about their private problems with me, I was only curious enough to understand their problems and search for right advice for them. So I could forget very easily, what ever I was told, if the matter of discussion was resolved, or if there was no serious matter in first place. For members we had strict rule, ‘No sex life before marriage!’. ‘Full time commitment to the organisation!’. ‘Not any kind of relation out side of the organisation!’. ‘No fun! No private time! No work! No private ownership! or even some times No free readings! Although these set of rules never were written or even verbally were told. They were essential in assessing a person for membership. Hence when we had a supporter who was right for membership, but with one of these ‘bad! habits’. We had to advice them some how to get rid of that habit to be qualified for membership. Then they had to observe full Islamic traditions. To pray collectively and if not privately, fasting in Ramadan time, not drinking alcohol or eating pork, . . . and if they were women, observing Islamic covering, with having long dresses and scarf for covering whole body except hands and face. When somebody was not able to get rid of his or her private interest, or as we used to call it their ‘attachments’, they were going to lose their status as a member of the MSS without knowing it or being informed about it. Among them was my old friend Shams that one-day I was told, he has been transferred to our section from London. My masoul told me that he has lost his membership, but didn’t explain much, what was wrong with him. After all for some time he was masoul of our section and he was so loyal to the organisation that sacrificed our friendship for obeying the order of the society. As I knew Shams very well, I didn’t need much explanation. He was very sensitive kind of guy, very poetic type of person, in love of music, and reading, very friendly and kind. All these adjectives could work for him positively in the framework of the organisation if they had the direction that Mojahedin wanted. Otherwise they were ‘destructive’, ‘bad’ and even ‘dangerous’. So Shams was with us and I was told to give him some privacy for enjoying his interest, which perhaps was listening to kind of music he liked or playing classic guitar.

            Full time supporters or members, who were so keen to become a member, could realise these problems and were paralysed between their wish for becoming a member from one hand and their attachments on the other hand, were finding ways to hide their private interests from the organisation. Once I found one of our members who was recording some tape. Original types were his own, so I was wondering why he is recording them again! Funny thing about his recording was that he was editing them and from each music he was recording only part of it. When I asked him? He told me “well the rest of the music is the repeat of the main theme and poem.” As he was going to be transferred to London, He realised he is unable to keep and hide those many types in London so to keep his memories, he was editing the main piece of each music in one or two tape to keep.

            After this discussion, I found out most of our male supporters have girl friends. Some of them were open about it and some had found a way to hide it. I could realise one of them whenever needed to see his girl friend was getting ill and needed badly to go and see his doctor in his town, where he was registered. Another one had important family problem, which had to resolve it immediately. . . . For many of them this was the biggest or even the only obstacle on their way to become a member of the organisation. Membership of the organisation was an honour and sometimes dreams of our supporters, and for me who I liked them very much, it was a wish to see them all as ‘a Mojahed’. I had been with many of them for years and knew them through many difficult situations and experiences. Personally I could not care less about those ‘problems’ and could judge them all as members of the society or even Mojahedin organisation while I, myself was not a Mojahed yet, and was not expecting to be one soon. Well this was part of my liberal nature which I was aware of that and as a result could not see my self as a Mojahed. Still for many of them I was facing this dilemma and had to spend weeks to persuade them to solve those obstacles. “Either forget about love and sex life before marriage, or marry their girl friends!.”

            As a result few surrendered themselves and said ‘good-bye’ to their girl friends, and few were announced that they are prepared to marry. Hence as other branch of the organisation we had to organise a marriage ceremony for them. Now I had to become a Mullah and read Quran verses of marriage. First time to find myself in that situation was so terrifying and I was so worried which could not read the sentence properly. Though for reading them correctly, I had to read them few times for Anna, so she could correct my Arabic readings. But after the second time it was easier and I was not worried any more. All of them were the same, even their dowry was the same, ‘a Quran, an emblem of the Mojahedin, some crystal sugars, (YAK SHAKH NABAT), and later a photograph of the leader ship of the Mojahedin. ‘. So the only thing I had to change were names and that was not so difficult!

            After those marriages we faced new problems. Many non Iranian ladies with their own cultures, traditions and understandings, had to come to our community, in our organisation with its set of rules that even for Iranian women was so difficult to follow. They had to accept their husbands as they were, full committed to the organisation. Soon many aspects of a normal life like having fun or vacation, even privacy of their home, for them was changed into a luxury wish. As a result every day we were facing quarrel and fights among new married couples, which as the source of problem were the organisation itself, it had to be solved by us. The only way out of it was to involve new spouse of our members in our actions, way of life and our understanding. So from then on we had to organise special lectures in English to teach them about our beliefs and Ideology. At the same time as we believed one cannot separate ideology from daily work and sacrifices, we had to find them work to show their learning’s in daily actions. Some were sent to the street for SW work, and those who were not ready to do that were helping others in preparation of works of Kebab vans and shop.

Bitter realities of those days’s Iranian life.

By December 82 again Mojahed was published instead of MSS weekly paper, as usual it was full of news about executions and tortures. In first issue it had a colour full poster of execution of a Mojahedin member in public from crane. In another issue there was story of Mesbah family, all were executed, father of family age 49, mother of family, four sons of family aged 20,17,16 and 15. Even thirteen-year-old Fatemeh Mesbah, the youngest child of the family. Then there was story of escape of Hussein Dadkhah from prison and full colour poster of his tortured feet. Due to all these horrible news from Iran, some times we were questioned about these marriages and happiness that was coming with each one of them!? Our answer was simple and straight. we were referring to Imam Hussein and his famous sentence: “Life is believe and holly struggle for those believes.” Torture, execution and killing are part of life of a Moslem to materialise their believes. They are not separable from happiness, marriage and birth. All are part of life and different faces of life. As Imam Hussein arranged marriage of his nephew the night before the day which all were massacred. They were laughing and singing till late night, while their enemy not far from them were astonished what is their happiness for. We were going to be very happy and very sad in a single day. These were part of life and had to be accepted as they were.

            As atrocities of the regime were not limited to Mojahedin or other revolutionary groups we were facing sympathy and understanding of everybody around us. There was flow of refugees from Iran to all European countries, especially West Germany; according to some estimates there were two to four million Iranian refuges in different countries in different time. The biggest immigration of Iranian during past 25 hundred years history. Many of them had horrible stories of the atrocities of the regime and their crimes against common people. We were able to hear some of them and read many more in the Mojahed. One was telling us that she had been witness of cutting lips of a woman by revolutionary guards in the street as a punishment for wearing lipsticks. Arrest of women for not having proper covering was very common and many sad and unimaginable stories were occurring as a result of those arrests. Including rape, killing and even executions. We heard story of execution of a son of a family by mistake. Apparently when guards realised their mistake, they returned the body of executed person to their family and told them, as he was innocent we have good news that he is going to heaven and can be considered as martyr of the Islamic cause. They were asked in a ceremony for his burial, they announce that he was martyred in battlefront. There was another story, very shocking and dreadful, story of a ten year old girl who was swimming in their own private pool, apparently revolutionary guards were informed by her neighbour who was able to see her from above. Guards were told that a naked woman is swimming there and can be seen by everybody. as a result the house was attacked by the guards and poor child had to be lashed hundred times in public. Unfortunately story didn’t end there, as father of child was shoot death when he was trying to stop guards from lashing her daughter. Young girl as a result of those lashing was partly paralysed and her mother lost her mind. This was the end of a family as a result of simple swimming of a young girl.

            It seemed children were the main victims of new Iranian politics. There were many news of using children in battle front as minefield cleaner, they were covered in a blanked as they didn’t want their body be spread every where, send into minefield with promise of heaven. According to the news of one of daily paper of the regime only in one school 40 students lost their life in battlefront. According to new ideology ruling in Iran. Martyrdom is an honour for any Moslem, which they had to compete for it. As a result, people, especially children were competing and even could envy each other in this respect. According to religious order of Khomieni children as young as ten could be send to battlefronts without consent of their parents. Hence this was another reason why many families especially with young children wanted to leave the country and became refugees and live anywhere else except in Iran.

            When we were talking about these children we were saying that they have deceived by the Khomieni and had sent to war by force. On the other hand there were many children in our side who were considered as people in apogee of understanding and knowledge. Children like Fatemeh Mesbah or thirteen-year-old Ebrahim who was executed with his fourteen year old brother Bahman. In his letter printed in Mojahed he wrote: “I Ebrahim, with believe in revolutionary Islam, believe death with honour and glory is better for any Moslem than life with shame and disgrace. I have nothing in my life to give it to any body. I ask my father and mother not to be sad because of me and continue their right and dignified life, with heart full of hope. I am assuring them that right and truth is the final winner. I insist again not to be sad because of me. I did my best and lived rightly during my life, as I could understand. Any way we have to accept death eventually and I pray to God to help you in your daily work, in whatever you are doing, I ask you to pray for me . . . ” While same kind of letters of young children sent to battlefront printed in Iranian papers, for us meant how much they have been deceived and been brainwashed by Khomieni and his Mullahs. Ebrahim’s letter was giving us encouragement and steadfastness as we could see it as symbol of resistance. It had the same effect on us as story of execution of seventy-year-old ‘Mother Zakeri’. We were told, when revolutionary guards wanted to fasten her eyes before her execution, She didn’t let them and told them she wants to be executed with open eyes to see rightness of Mojahedin. Her crime was helping her son, to escape from revolutionary guards. When her interrogators asked her about where about of her son? Her answer was: “You know better than me, can’t you hear him? He is everywhere, in all cities, all cemeteries, in all jails, My son was the one who was in next cell and was executed a week ago, he was the one whose machine gun’s fire punished many of you . . . all resistance fighters are my sons….”

            News of resistance were less than before and instead of revolutionary actions in cities, we were reading and hearing more news of Mojahedin’s actions in Kurdistan, we read in only one of them more than 500 revolutionary guards were killed or injured. When we were asked why there are less news of actions in Tehran and other major cities, our answer was: “The main obstacle to the revolution and uprising of people is suppression which guards are responsible for, hence to get ride of this obstacle, we have to get ride of guards and where can we find them more than Kurdistan!?” To fill this gap and give hope and encouragement there was a section in Mojahed under title of ‘epics of People’s Mojahedin’. In this section we could read about steadfastness and courage of our brothers and sisters in Iran. Title of one of them was a sentence from one of the Mojahedin’s martyrs, named Behroz: “People’s Mojahedin will never surrender! Till last bullet, last person, last breath, we will stand against you (The Guards)” Then there was story of fight of Behroz and two women who fought against 100 revolutionary guards and killed 17 of them and injured 35 of them. Revolutionary Guards were thinking that they are fighting against at least 10 Mojahed, but when battle was ended they found death bodies of these three heroic Mojahed and few months old child of Behroz. During those days to look normal many Mojahedin resistance cells had to have children with themselves. Many of those children had saddest stories of all. After death of their parents many were sent to orphanage or their grandparents. These were lucky ones as we heard if one of their parents was alive and in prison they had to go to prison and sometimes were tortured along their parents to force them to talk. I saw a child who was talking very quietly and from inside of her mouth. When I asked her godmother what is wrong with her? She replied “Nothing, she lost her parent few months after her birth, I did adopted her as my own child and she was with us, but as we could not have child in our base we had to keep her quite, otherwise we could be reported to the authorities. So whenever she wanted to cry we had to keep her quiet, this is why when she starts talking, had to talk like this and it remained with her.”

            Apart from these kinds of stories there were many poems by our Martyred Mojahedin brothers and sisters that used to keep our resistance moral in its highest point. Poems like this signed by just ‘A’: “This morning if enemy’s bolt - torn my heart - my heart and my rifle - is welcomed for you - is welcomed for dawn - take my heart - as my heart is a living universe - my heart and my rifle - both are sign of my love and my hate - tomorrow when sun - is rising from walls of our city - I wake up - to see my chained people - laughing under the light of sun - my dear fellow fighter - never stand still - never surrender.”

            Some times we were receiving new songs from Mojahedin that could bring us a lot of excitement, songs like ‘Azadi’, (Freedom), a poem like this: ‘O Freedom, in your path, I passed through different jails, I torn my heart into pieces, like flowers in the battle fields. O Freedom, in tear and blood, I give my promises to you, not letting you to die, within the chains of executioners, . . . ‘. This poem was put on my favourite music, ‘The CARMINA BURANA’, by Carl Orff, German composer, (1895-1982).

            It seemed nothing was changing much, it seemed everything would be the same till last Mojahed kills or been killed by last Khomieni’s supporters. Zarkash, Rajavi’s representative in Iran announced that within few months Mojahedin have killed one thousand of revolutionary guards. Mojahedin published few months’ later names and particulars of 7746 of resistance martyrs with pictures of many young people killed by the regime. At the same time it was announced by the Mojahedin that the real number of executions is 30 thousand and number of political prisoners has reached to 100 thousands. One could see clearly that ‘reform’ message of Khomieni on 14 December had not changed any thing, although in his message he was asking guards to respect the law of country and not attack people’s houses and not arrest them without having an orders. Still every thing was as before and many were arrested daily for different charges, neighbours and landlords had to report about what ever was doubtful around them. every transaction including selling and buying a car has to be ratified by local Mosque. In many streets there were barriers to check people randomly. Rajavi in his message for celebration of fourth year of the revolution mentioned that Khomieni regime only in seven days had killed equal number of people who were killed by Shah’s regime within seven years! In few months time even Tudeh party and Majority of Feda’ian who were collaborating with regime against Mojahedin were banned and their very old leaders mostly in their seventies were put in prison with charge of espionage for the Soviet Union. For many of us it was matter of laugh rather than sorrow as it seemed what ever they did to appease the regime didn’t work, it proved Mojahedin strategy was correct and there was no way which one could resist against new tyranny in peaceful manner. When they felt they have no use for Tudeh party suddenly they realised Tudeh’s relation with the Soviets.

Change of the old foe into the new friend

On ninth of January we heard another shocking news that we had to be very happy of hearing it, while we were not. The news of meeting of Rajavi and Taraqh Aziz the foreign minister and deputy prime minister of Iraq in Rajavi’s residence in Paris. For some times we were defending organisation against allegations of collaborating with Iraqis. we used to refer to different articles in previous Mojahed and saying that we were fighting against regime and Iraqis at the same time. We were naming our martyrs killed by Iraqis. There was an article in old Mojahed against Tudeh party, criticising them for working with dictatorship with slogan of anti-Imperialism. In this article we were referring them to collaboration of Iraqis communists with Bath party of Iraq who were responsible for murder of many freedom-loving Iraqis. Now to see our leader shacking hand with the representative of the same regime who were responsible of killing of many of their own country men as well as ours was shocking, confusing and some how unbelievable. Soon we learned how to look at it, understand it, and explain it to others. For some times there was much news about the war and sole responsibility of Khomieni’s regime in prolonging the war. We were looking at him as sole responsible of killed, injured, maimed and refugees of the war as by now Iraqis were ready to make peace and it was only the regime which was insisting in continuation of war and was dreaming for establishment of an Islamic republic in Iraq. Slogans of Khomieni were “till last person and last house war against Iraq most continue.” They were claiming that they want to reach to Palestine through passing from Iraqis cities. In previous Mojahed there was picture of Iraqis prisoners of war killed in battlefront while their hands were tied up from behind, and later there was an article about religious order of Khomieni for killing of POWs. By then even we were saying that Iraq was not the sole responsible of start of the war and as matter of fact it was started by the Khomieni’s regime as they wanted to export their revolution to Iraq, and were interfering with internal affairs of Iraqis. Any way, after that meeting, in two months time we saw peace plan of NCR, which we were told, was accepted by Iraqis. According to this plan Iraqis had to withdraw to international boundaries, to accept 1975 treaty between them and Shah. To compensate for the damages which had inflicted on Iranian according to the ruling of International court. With that peace plan we were confident enough that we are able to answer any question. After all what any Iranian wanted?! Hence by then not only we were happy to see our leader as vanguard of peace, but we were proud of him. We were told war is one of the main reasons why still Iranian regime is in power. If they accept peace, their overthrow is immanent. This is why they are against any intermediary for bringing peace to our country.

            What ever were our feeling and our logic and understanding, many Iranian politicans looked at it as some kind of political suicide. So not only they didn’t want to be seen as approving this meeting, but wanted to show how angry and against of it they are. Soon there were many articles in different papers published outside of the country by different groups from supporters of Shah and Bakhtiar to most leftist organisations, condemning this meeting and calling Mojahedin as collaborators with the enemy.

            Although we didn’t have enough time to read or even see those papers but we could see clips and sample of some of them in Mojahed each week. By now we could feel we are facing new front out side of the country, groups and organisations apparently against Iranian regime but in reality united with the regime against Mojahedin. We even heard little news from Persian BBC broadcast, which could imply that some of the NCR members including Banisadr were against this meeting. Later Banisadr rejected that news in his communiqué published in Mojahed.

“Entrance doors are closed, while ‘Exit doors’ are wide open.”

Whenever we were asked about disagreement among members of the NCR, we were rejecting them as rumours of anti-revolutionaries. Till we read a report of the representative of the union of MSS to Rajavi and his speech in response of that report. My friend Ebrahim read the report, I was so happy and proud to see his rise to that level as representative of the Union of MSS. In his report after mentioning the record of the activities of the MSS including impressing numbers like gaining support of 447 parties and organisations world wide, 707 international personalities, 387 labour unions. . Organising 1000 meetings in different cities, 400 press conferences, 7000 political meetings, publishing MSS paper called Iran liberation in 8 different languages every week. He criticised our partners in NCR as people, which not only are helping us but also are pouring salt on our wounds. I couldn’t understand his criticise. Apparently he was our representative and was talking on our behalf, while we didn’t know any thing about what ever he was talking. Later years I understood this trick of Mojahedin that any time they wanted to criticise their partners, they were hiding behind their supporters, and members. Those who have sacrificed every thing and have every right to question any body. In this way they wanted to face their opponents in the council and tell them how much they are under pressure from their supporters for being silenced against their unwelcome activities and views. The same trick, they used against Khomieni without any success.

             In that meeting, Rajavi in response praised Mojahedin supporters for their hard working and their sacrifices, he called us Mojahed which was an honour, and soon we found out that as we are members of Mojahedin family we can be called as Mojahed, though we arenot member of the organisation. He said each one of us according to norms of many other revolutionary groups should be the member of the Group, but as Mojahedin have raised their expectation from their members to the highest point possible, we are considered as supporter and not a member. He said “the doors of entrance into Mojahedin organisation is closed and the doors of exit is wide open.” To show his tolerance, patience and calm toward oppositions, in response to Ebrahim’s criticise he advised us to restrain ourselves and be patient. He said you shouldn’t be unhappy if you do all the work of the council and its fruits is named after all of the members, we had to appreciate the trust of people which is given to us, we have to listen to their criticises, we had to avoid any kind of show-off, hypocrisy, and exaggeration. He asked us to ask God to forgive our sins, and advised us to be more and more committed to organisational work for being able to face our individualism and liberal tendencies. Two months later we read an article by one of the high-ranking member of Mojahedin in Mojahed supposedly to give us advice about how to benefit from Rajavi’s speech, while obviously it was a criticise or warning note against one of the member of NCR. One month later we heard about first organisation expelled from NCR, ‘Democratic-revolutionary Movement of toilers of Gilan and Mazandran’.

Expulsion of Banisadr from NCR - Searching eyes against me

As there were more and more talks against Banisadr among our masouls and few articles in Mojahed, I could feel I am under some kind of surveillance and perhaps check to see how sensitive or Sympathetic I am toward Banisadr. I was told that: “Banisadr joined us because he thought we are strong enough to overthrow the regime in matter of months. Soon he found out how wrong he has been, especially when Khiabani and Ashraf were killed, he lost his hope for immediate victory and returning to his job as president of Iran, he thought if we are unable to look after our own leaders and wife of Rajavi how are we going to overthrow the regime. So from then on he start creating problems instead of solving any, and if it was not because of marriage of Masoud ( Rajavi ) with his daughter, he was going to split from us much earlier, but even so after few years waiting, ‘FILESH YAD HENDESTON KARD’.” (i.e. an Iranian expression, ‘his elephant has remembered the India (where it came from)’. in this case they meant he has remembered Khomieni and want to return to him). On the other hand from articles written in Banisadr’s weekly paper one could guess he is opposing new kind of relationship between Mojahedin and Iraqi’s government. It seemed he is also opposing new plan of NCR for the autonomy of Kurdistan that was mainly produced to keep the Kurdish Democratic Party among members of the council. Soon Mojahedin revealed the letter of Banisadr to Khomieni, though it seemed, it was an open letter very common in those days. In his letter he was asking Khomieni to stop the crimes that he was committing and return to his promises to people while he was in Paris. Banisadr didn’t deny this letter and was insisting that it is very just act as if it dose change any thing it is for the good of people and country and if not it will expose Khomieni even more as sole responsible of all blood sheds in our country. Mojahedin didn’t accept this logic and argued that the time for this kind of letters has passed long time ago and by now there is a river of blood between us and Khomieni which nothing can wash that away. They asked for expulsion of Banisadr from the council, they asked other members to chose between Banisadr and Mojahedin, which one should stay in the council. Eventually by the end of March 1984 he was expelled from the council. To announce it in the society before its public announcement, we were asked to gather in one of the bases in London, and were told in length what has happened from the start. Suddenly I felt every thing changed and became up side down. I felt all our arguments in favour of Banisadr against left groups were wrong and after all they were right and we were wrong. Though still organisation was insisting that their tactic in coalition with Banisadr was right and saved a lot of blood. While we were watching the videotape especially recorded to tell us about this news, there were many jokes and laughing about Banisadr. Sadly whenever there was laughing I could feel some are watching me, and are inspecting my own reaction. Well I was sad not politically but very selfishly for myself, as could feel from now on I always will be under suspicion of being pro Banisadr. On top of other contradictions one has to solve to remain in the organisation, I had to show how much I am and had been against Liberals and especially Banisadr. Few years later I could feel and see Rajavi hate Banisadr perhaps as much as Khomieni; of course he was showing it differently. After all Banisadr was perhaps the only one that worked with Rajavi closely and never did accept his leadership. Others, although when they left the council or the organisation opposed him, but while they were with him, were accepting him as the leader of the organisation or the resistance. if not at least they were pretending they do. Perhaps one could see this hate in the writing of Rajavi, later in the issues of Mojahed about Banisadr. In Mojahed 223 dated 11 October 84 fifteen pages of Mojahed out of 48 pages was the first part of his writing or as it was called report of him to people about Banisadr. Next issue 11 pages and then 18, 12, 12, and then 25 pages out of 48 pages of Mojahed were allocated to this issue accordingly. And then it was printed as a very thick, 670 pages book with dark cover.

            After the expulsion of Banisadr, we were worn that we might lose some of the international support that we were enjoying. But to prove to every body otherwise, Rajavi asked for the increase of our diplomatic activities. Our people in diplomatic section of the society could persuade the Labour party to invite Rajavi to London. Of course it was total secret from us and we learned about it when we saw his pictures with Neil Knock the leader of the Labour party and other high ranking officials of the party in weekly Mojahed. In his interview with Persian broadcast of BBC radio, he was asked if the increase in our political activities is to make up for organisation’s shortcomings in its activities in Iran and loss of support among Iranian. He vehemently denied it and told the reporter: “this are accusations of our enemies, remnant of Shah and supporters of Khomieni.” Then he gave record of our mobilisation for different celebrations in Iran. When he again insisted that Khomieni regime will be overthrow in short length of time, reporter asked him about stability of the regime, as for several year has been able to fight against internal and external enemies at the same time? He replied: “On the contrary, Khomieni’s insistence in continuation of war shows how desperate he is, it shows without war and suppression of people he can’t survive. Other wise he was going to accept the peace.” Well with this kind of question we could feel a lot of hate against reporter and Persian broadcast of BBC in general, by now there were few articles in Mojahed about their twisted news and their support for the regime. But I think their interview with Rajavi made them our first enemy among media all over the world. Soon they were banned by the organisation and no member of Mojahedin and later no members of the council was permitted to have interview with them, and whoever did, it was considered as symbol of working with British imperialism and Khomieni’s regime against Iranian revolution.

            A month earlier we saw photograph of Abrishamchii one of the high-ranking members of the organisation, with Gensher foreign minister of West Germany. And by now for the first time we were able to see support of some of the members of the United States congress, including 18 congressman and leaders of Democratic Party, people like Senator Kennedy. Later we read about support of another 22 member of the congress and people like George Mc govern. Some how we were astonished, shocked and in a sense proud to see that we have been able to deceive even American. Time for giving slogan against the United States and international Imperialism was past. Not even in message of Rajavi for Labour Day or anniversary of foundation of the organisation contrary to the past, there was any sign of ‘death to Imperialism’ or America. By now we had one and only one enemy Khomieni, and our slogan was only ‘death to Khomieni.’ One could feel and see that everything is polarising around two poles, Khomieni as a darkest point, total blackness, enemy of not only Iranian but even humanity. On the other hand Rajavi as symbol of brilliant whiteness

An ‘honour’, to see Rajavi in person

Some how I was not able to get my ‘revolutionary incentives’ from Rajavi as much as other masouls of the society. I could feel that this has been recognised by others as well. Once we received news about Mustafa, Rajavi’s son. News about his cleverness and how he has remembered some of Mojahedin’s songs. When I was talking with deputy of our society in England, I told her how clever he is for his age to remember these songs. She immediately showed me very serious face and said “firstly it is not just clever but brilliantly clever, secondly what did you expect from son of Masoud (Rajavi)?! Something less than ‘brilliantly clever child’?!” I was astonished and wondered, “Why should his son be different from others! But I didn’t argue and kept silence.” Perhaps to polish my incentives and even to test me more closely especially after expulsion of Banisadr, I was told that I am going for a visit to Paris. Every one who knew about this visit was telling me how lucky I am and how much they wished they could go instead of me. So I could see how glad I should be and how anxious I should look.

            In this trip I was not alone, three other brothers and two sisters each one perhaps for different reason were accompanying me. But all were considering it as some kind of luck and privilege to go and visit our Mojahedin brothers and sisters in Paris, especially Rajavi in person. We were worn to be very careful about Khomeini’s mercenaries and spies. During those days even for moving from one base to another, we had to choose different directions much longer than shortest way to distract any imaginary person who might was following us. In the middle of our way in several point we had to bend and while pretending that we are teeing our shoe lashes watching our back from between of our legs. Although for moving in London, this kind of measures was more funny than serious, and we used to make a lot of joke about them and laugh. In Paris they were different matter and we did accept to be extra cautious.

            In Paris we were resided in one of our bases. Next day we were gathered together and were told that we are going to hear Rajavi’s speech. It was anniversary of Martyrdom of sixty of the Mojahedin’ leaders and members on second of May 1982 and Rajavi was going to give speech in his residence in the village of Auvers-sur-oise, near Paris. There was a big bus ready to take us there, when we reached there we found out there are few more buses waiting to pass through many barriers made by Mojahedin and French Gendarmes. There was some sort of competitions among masouls of different buses for which one is going first as it meant better place and perhaps closer to Rajavi. Some how I could feel people are over-reacting in showing their excitement and enthusiasm for seeing Rajavi. I felt very ashamed when for a second I remembered my childhood when we used to be recruited to go to the streets, moving small Iranian flag and cheering Shah. Over there it was very strange for me to find out that many masouls know me without I know any of them. I could feel how many people are reading reports written about us and how one can be judged by those reports. With Rajavi’s coming we all stood up and for few minute we start clapping. Then he starts his speech. I have to be honest and say I didn’t listen much as I knew it is going to be printed in Mojahed and I can read it in my own time, instead I was more interested to look around to see if I can see some of my old friends, those who were transferred to Paris and I was not able to see them for sometimes. I never could guess that later on I will be asked about the speech and I am going to be blushed for not knowing what was the speech about. Later on I found out that this is one of the Mojahedin’s customs to write report about reactions of different people to Rajavi’s speech. As a result every body that knew somebody was trying to talk with him to get some reaction and make his report richer. Unfortunately I was prey of many during that day and days later.

            After the end of his speech, when he was going back to his room all brothers start running toward him, perhaps for kissing. While I was astonished and was standing like a wood in my place, one of sister masouls showed me a sign with her hand meaning that I should run too, perhaps be lucky enough and can kiss him too. Now I could feel how bad and meaning full is, ‘not to follow the crowd’, how ever silly and useless their action might be. I too start moving toward him, as I knew nothing is wrong with others who are doing so, but certainly something is wrong with me! For not following them.

            Next day when I was moved to a very large base, I could see many of my old friends who were working in Paris. I was asked to go and see one of the masouls that was the one who gave me the sign to go toward Rajavi. Her name was Tahereh. Few months after returning to London she became masoul of our society in England.

Breaking ‘bridges behind’ - Burning the past.

About the same time I was asked to send a videotape of our daily work in Kebab shop and vans from start to the end. As I was told because of its success they want to copy it in another countries. As in our video tape there were some customers who were kissing each other and some people drunk enough to show wrong signs, I received a list of questions about these matters and how bad they are for the religious education of our members and sympathisers. When I told them about drunkenness of our customers that is unavoidable. We were asked to close all our vans and shop by ten o’clock before closure of Pubs. At the same time we were asked not to sell food with pork in it. It was strange for me as I could feel none of things they are saying are new findings. They were facts known to them long before. My puzzle was that why suddenly they have changed into an issue. Some how I could feel holding on our principals is a new privilege, thanks to the raise of our income through SW work.

             As a result of this policy drops in our sell and income was unbelievable and however I reasoned, asked and even begged; there was no change of policy. To fill the gap in income, I was asked to send every body to SW in the morning and work in the shop or Vans in the evening and nighttime. Many of our customers who some how were addicted to our Kebab, now not only were surprised and disappointed by our way of trade but angry. In one of the cities customers were rougher and in many incident they were attacking our van, for few nights I had to go with them to see what can be done and we employed some defensive methods for defending our boys. we had to increase the number of people working in the van just for sake of defence. In Edinburgh when people start shacking the van and van was on the edge of falling on the side. Our boys had to leave it and start fighting with the customers. One of them an architect, when was circling the knife of cutting kebab around his head to frighten the crowd cut his finger and had to go to hospital for the operation, I think he is not able to use that finger properly again. Every day and even some times every hour I was facing new problems. Some of them very difficult to solve. The main problem was how to solve the fall of income. We thought to increase our income; it is time to change the direction of our production and our work. So instead of selling kebab to individuals, we thought why not produce it and sell the frozen one to the Kebab shops. So we start searching for finding proper place for this idea, and we bought some equipment and we were going to start it. By then I was called to London and I was informed that I am going to be transferred to London.

            About the same time I attended a meeting headed by Tahereh, new masoul of MSS in Britain and her deputy. In this meeting we were told about our dependencies our love and attachments for our pre-organisational life when we were not revolutionary and were an ordinary person. “To change yourselves and become new people and walk on the path of Mojahedin you have to get rid of your past.” We were told. To start this, we were asked to burn all our past and as a new beginning we had to burn all our writing materials that we had except few papers, which we could keep. I had to explain this to other members which we had and ask them to do the same thing. We were told apart from ideological point of this action, it did have security advantages, as there is many documents about the organisation hanging around nobody know about them and they might be dangerous. I was supposed to check belongings of others to see if this action had been done. The real fact was that the organisation was changing whole of its attitude toward past and didn’t like all those old literature of Mojahedin be remained in the hand of every body. Prior to this, they asked for all old books to be handed over and it was for some times which non of the old books could be bought in public meetings of the organisation.

            Well I was not very concern about Political or secretive paranoid of the organisation. My concern was, do I want to start changing myself and burn my past?! This was moment of choice, past or future. I could not keep every thing and pretend I am going to change myself for becoming a Mojahed, I had to learn to choose Mojahedin teaching over my own mind and logic and wishes. Mojahedin were the only alternative that we had for future of Iran, Freedom and democracy. To fight along Mojahedin, one had to be a Mojahed. For me this was not a choice, between past and future, but a choice between my belief in freedom, democracy and independence and perhaps more, a choice between humanity in one hand and my ordinary life on the other hand. But even in choosing an ordinary life, I had problems, how could I guarantee a normal and proud life for my children, while we were losing our homeland, morally and materially. Some times before, we had to ask for becoming political refugees, and as I was known in our area for my activities against regime and my family name was showing who I am, soon we were accepted as political refugees; but it didn’t mean that I wanted to live here or see my children’s future as non-Iranian. Hence I had only one choice, even if I wanted to choose my family; first I had to guarantee a democratic and free homeland for them. I had to change myself and walk toward future; I had to burn my past. Whatever written materials I liked most had to be burned. All my hand written materials about Mojahedin and notes from their books and their papers. All works which I did during Sadatti organisation. All my work in university, my PhD. thesis, and MSc desertion, my very old notes from university in Iran and even high school, letters from friends and parents. And then my stories, and after that my work in mathematical model of thinking . . . I burned them all and gave my university’s books to one of our supporters to sell. This was my good-bye to the past at that stage; I didn’t know it is long way to final Good-bye.

            Few days later I was informed that deputy of the MSS is coming to Newcastle to inspect if we have burned our written materials and what is left. Perhaps up to then for others, it was not as serious as when they found out, a high-ranking masoul is coming to inspect what have they done. Some of them were so in rush that they burned the materials they needed for their daily work and stay in UK. One of them who was very in fond of his classical records, gave all his concern to save them, as a result lost all his old documents including his degree, and his birth certificate.

Move toward London, toward new life.

Every week Ali-Akbar one of our brothers from London used to come to Newcastle to take prepared Kebabs for our shop in London. Instead of meat he was bringing us Mojahed and sometimes sounds and videotapes. He was very quiet type of person, always with a smile on his face, This time was his last time to Newcastle, as he was going soon to Kurdistan, He had a record about activities of our brothers and sisters in Kurdistan. To watch that videotape, was very proud moment for each one of us, especially Ali-Akbar who was joining them soon. While watching that tape I was remembering a movie called: ‘The Pride and Passion’ a 1957 movie directed by Stanley Kramer. A movie about civil war in Spain. In that movie people had to move a very big gun from its original place to near a city that they wanted to free it from the fascists. It was very encouraging to see masses of people who could do that very difficult task only with the force of believe in freedom. Now we were able to see repeat of the same believe and sacrifices in our own time from our own people. Hundreds of people were moving not a gun but equipment of a radio station from mountain to mountain, city to city, to keep it safe from bombing of the Regime’s fighters. There was another videotape about a medical team of Mojahedin who were moving to different villages of Kurdistan that were under control of Kurdish Democratic Party. Again we could feel very proud to see their work under those difficult conditions, helping ordinary people, even operating them and saving them from long time miseries.

            This time Ali-Akbar apart from meat had to take us, Anna, children and I to London as we were transferred there. When we were moving from Reading to Newcastle I had to do several trip to move all our belongings, but now all our belongings were two or three briefcases mostly cloths and toys of children. It was not only our belongings that we were leaving behind, after so many up and down in that city, although within past few years, it seemed long enough to consider it as our second home. With equal sadness when one wants to leave home, families and friends. We had to say good-bye to all our friends, those who by now were closer to us than our own family, some how I could feel they are part of my own flesh, we shared many sad and happy times together, shared secrets, and things, which one never tells them to anybody except perhaps to their mothers. I think it was emotional time for many of them too, as when we were kissing to say Good-bye, we all were crying and laughing at the same time. Along our way to London, Ali-Akbar who could see how sad we are to leave our friends was trying hard to cheer us up. He was telling us stories heard from Kurdistan. Including: “You know our boy are working there very hard, perhaps fifteen to sixteen hours per day, and they expect everybody works as hard as them, including donkeys used for carrying things from mountain to mountain. They say one of donkeys that was tired of hard working, either was dying or at least was pretending that it is dying; so our boys had to leave it behind. Several months later when they were passing from the same place they saw the same donkey that was carrying woods for a villagers. Immediately when it saw our boys had four legs borrowed another four and run away from them.” With the end of this story he start laughing, showing his white ordered teeth under his thick black Moustache. In London he took us to a base, which was for rest, although as other bases it had a name after one of our martyrs, but it was not a base for work, we were going to share its five bedrooms and one living room, with three other families. Ali-Akbar wished us the best in London, he told us that he is going to Kurdistan in few days time and might not see us again. So we kissed and said Good-bye. He was right I didn’t see him again, in few months time we received news of his martyrdom in Kurdistan. In a meeting to honour his martyrdom, I was remembering him with his usual smile and his joke-story about that donkey, while I was crying slowly I couldn’t hold myself not to laugh. I felt I should be happy for him, after all he is in heaven and perhaps is telling the same story to our other martyred brothers and sisters.

By then about hundred members and full time supporters were working in London, as a result there were different bases for different jobs and different people. One base was for supporters who could not come to bases for members. Unmarried boys and girls had different bases for rest and married couples had one or two bases to share with each other. Program and decoration of all bases except the one for supporters were almost all the same. In living room of each base there was a picture of Rajavi and Khiabani and Ashraf, emblem of the organisation on the wall, which each morning we had to stand in front of them and have our ceremony of the day. In no room we had any pictures of our historical hero like Mossadeq or Shari’ati, even still we didn’t have Iranian flag, as up to few years earlier, before formation of the NCR we were considering it as symbol of Monarchy and were not ready even to take it to our demonstrations. Work in all bases was starting at the same time, but there was no limit for the daily work, so one could see lights of all bases for work are on all the time. Although sometimes we didn’t have enough things to do, still it was very bad to leave the work base earlier than ten o’clock in the evening. As a result many including me used to prefer to sleep where we were working rather than going to the rest bases. It didn’t worth to walk in the cold, late night and come back early morning. Hence while Anna and I were working close, rarely were able to see each other. Only Saturday nights we had to go to our ‘rest bases’, as on Sunday morning we had to clean the base collectively. This was program of Sunday mornings, we could wake up one hour later than usual, then after breakfast as there was no daily ceremony on Sundays, we could start cleaning of the base according to the program given by the masoul of the base, as each base had its own masoul. After that we had to go to our work base to do collective cleaning there. Then if there was any educational video tape we had to gather in one of the bases to see that video, or sometimes there was announcement and meeting by the sister Tahereh head of the society. After that we were free to go back to our rest base for doing our personal work like washing and ironing. Obviously in this condense program rarely there was any room for family gatherings and playing with children. For children we had play school and as matter of fact, Anna was responsible of the play. Whenever I was seeing Hanif I could feel sorry for him, he was growing fast and I was not able to see him enough, play with him and tell him nighttime stories. Only when we had public meetings I had to share looking after him with Anna, so the only thing he could remember from me was how hard I was trying to control and silence him during our public meetings. Whenever I was thinking about him, soon I had to blame my self for not being ‘revolutionary’ and ‘Mojahed’ enough, how could I think about my own children who were well feed and had place to sleep, where millions of children in Iran and especially children of our brothers and sisters were denied of their basic needs and rights. Showing kindness and playing with our own children was a luxury that even if we could afford it time wise, we had to avoid it as it was clear sign of attachments of us to our family. Well I was not worried much about Sarvy as she had benefited from warmth of family in her early life and by now she knew very well how to adopt herself to the organisational life and gain kindness and support from every body without putting in danger her parents with label of attachments.

            I could see Anna is not very happy about her job, after all in Newcastle she was responsible of our SW work. As a result everyday she was seeing people and had to deal with difficult situations, but now she had to look after children all the time. She was not telling me anything about how boring and frustrating her job is, perhaps because she could guess what my answer would be. She was not complaining, not even for my absence for whole of the week, perhaps by now she had realised that this is our life as long as Khomieni is in power, so to return to normal life we had to get rid of him as soon as possible. Rarely we were talking to each other about our job or organisation, as we knew our job is our secret even from our partner. As our life was limited to our job and our job was our secret, so there was nothing left to talk about. I could feel we are losing each other, but what could I do about it. It was a price that we had to pay for freedom of our country. Sarvy was not complaining too, she had realised that her complain will not solve any thing and what only she gets is a lengthily lecture about situation in Iran and how children in the same age as her are suffering in Iran. Hanif’s silence and even satisfaction was understandable as rightly he was not very fond of me and with my absence he could sleep with her dear mother who was with him always, all the daylong.

            My job in London was very simple; I was going to be secretary of our SW branch. By now as our main income was coming from activities of SW, this section was the most important section of the society. Our activities in all different cities including Newcastle was under the wing of this section. Responsible of the section (masoul) was my previous masoul, one of the old members of the society, very kind and happy type of guy, nicknamed Jamil. Some how I could feel this is some sort of test or trial period for me. The job that I supposed to do was much easier and simpler than my pervious job. Instead of being masoul of twenty to thirty people, I was masoul of only one person, my good old friend Hussein. Rather than organising and worrying day and night for work of Shop and several Kebab-vans, which we had on top of normal activities of any branch of the society, including work of SW, organising meetings, talking and recruiting new supporters. Now I had only to gather information from different branches of SW work and read them, find their new experiences, their wrong doings, how much they have earned. And report them to Jamil. At the end of the week I had to attend the meeting with masouls of different branches and fed them back, giving them materials, which they needed, new information and new experiences. This job was so easy and boring which my biggest worry was how to fill time of Hussein and stop him to be bored. Well although we both were very able for doing different jobs, but at the same time we both were from Newcastle with history of un-yielding and stubbornness. Especially in my case, I think they were anxious to see if I have any tendency toward Banisadr. Perhaps even my transformation from Newcastle to London was because of this reason; perhaps they didn’t want to repeat experience of Sadatti Society again. So I presume they had to have us for sometimes under close surveillance to see how much have we changed.

            Gradually as every week I was reading reports from different people who were working in this section, I start liking my job very much. It was full of emotions. Reaction of people toward our cause and hardworking, honesty, and innocence of our people was unbelievable. Some times we had letters and even gifts. Once I received a heavy package. There were few stones, a letter and a check in the package, letter was written by a lady from north west of England, In her letter she was written: “Every week I see your people, in the rain and snow, cold and warm, almost with the same dress. Working hard, selling newspaper and asking for help. To see their hard working and their believe in what they are doing leave me with no doubt which I have to help you as much as I can. I am not rich but I help them as much as I can whenever I see them. But that is not all; I think gradually they are becoming part of my everyday life. Whenever I read your weekly paper I feel I am crying with them and smiling to their laugh. Last week I was walking by the see, I saw these stones, alone in the sea-shore, hard and sober standing in their place, even sea with all its might and greatness was not able to move them. I remembered you and somehow felt sure, that you are going to win and hopefully one day I can visit your lovely country in peace and free from all kind of dictatorship.” There were many letters and stories like that one, story of an old man from Manchester giving us his saving for his funeral. In weekly Mojahed we could see some of these reactions from all over the world, wherever we were. Letter of an Italian poet to an Italian paper, La Stampa: “It is few minute which train has moved, In next few minute, as I have experienced before, I am sure I am going to see face of Iranian, an hour is passed and they are not here, while I am thinking that they are late, I see them, first there is their hand which is offering me their weekly paper, then tiny moustaches and kind of smile under it which makes me sad. How modest and gentle is his smile and how painful. Then usual voice of them repeating all along the train, continuously, without tiredness.” In another issue there was a poster of a drawing and a poem from a Brazilian poet, called PABLOO CAMARGO. His drawing was face of a man full of pain, while a wooden dagger was passed through his head into his body, and his poem was like this: “We the warrior of the path of people’s liberty, with the pains inflicted on crown of our head, till final victory, would not take a rest not even for a moment.”

            Working like this was not always easy, apart from weather, which was the worst obstacle, many times we had report of arrest of our boys by the police mostly with the charge of ‘Obstruction’. When I visited the police station to see how can we solve this problem, as I was the person in charge of solving it for whole country. I was told about the size of our Placards which are abstracting the pavements and also persistent of our boys in stopping people. They showed me some of the complains that were made by shop owners close to where we were working. As a solution, I suggested to them: “If we hang pictures and walking instead of standing still?” As they agreed with my suggestions, our shape of work was changed and we made smaller placards, which could be hanged by our boys when they were working. After few months, again we faced new kind of arrest, this time with the charge of having disturbing pictures. In police station I was told about complain of people that our pictures had disturbed their children. I suggested if we could put all those pictures in small file and with permission of people show it to them. With satisfaction of police, Hussein and I could make a collection, since then simply called ‘Album’ and became the only tool of our work in the streets.

            I as everybody else apart from my usual job and one day working in the kitchen to prepare food for every body, had to join SW teams for two days to earn money. We were under immense pressure to increase our earnings, pressure from within and without at the same time. Everyday in different way we were reminded about needs of our people every where, those who were struggling in Iran in harshest conditions, in Kurdistan, in Turkey and Pakistan and even in Spain. On the other hand our masoul, sister Tahereh was for herself a personality, she was very sharp and able, some how knew how to play with words, how to encourage people for doing things, and how to force them to compete against each other without having any special goal. She forced us to accept that there is some kind of relations between our earnings and our belief in what we were doing in Mojahedin family. In another word we could feel our earning is equal to our belief in Ideology, people. . I feel she was very ambitious, and perhaps she, herself was competing with others as well, and wanted to show how during her responsibility, income of the society increased sharply. Opposite to our last masoul who was almost isolated in her room and rarely was talking to any body except her close associates, and many supporters even didn’t know her. Tahereh was very active in talking to every body, and enforcing her wills everywhere. Every week at least one night she had meeting with all members of the society. Even those in other cities had to listen to her words either the same night or day after. She could show how angry and stubborn she can be, on the other hand again unlike the previous masoul; rarely one could see real kindness from her. She was true believer of being only kind toward the organisation and its leadership which implied being as harsh and sever and uncompromising as possible with others including all members. I think she was true believer of ‘end justifies the means’. As she became our teacher for earning more in work of SW, almost every trick, lie, and action became justified and permitted. She even set an amount as the minimum earning of each person in daily work of SW, and said very seriously: “If you haven’t earn this minimum earning is better not to return to the base.” To earn more we had to invent different method, some times very funny one and sometimes very repulsive ones. To stop people, some of our boys were going as far as standing in front of the people not letting them to pass till hearing what they had to say. There was a guy who was very active and funny; to stop people he used to stand still, looking at sky for sometimes. People wondering what is he looking at were stopping or lowering their speed, perhaps standing and seeing the sky as well. Then when he was sure that he has attracted enough people, could move quickly and asking them to listen to him and help. He was able to sell up to 300 papers per day, and earn £200, which was quiet good for then. Once we heard when he finished his newspapers he start selling our book about reviling the Tudeh party to the Manchester’s old ladies! To know, to whom, what to say, when to say and how to say; every one had to become an artist and at the same time a psychologist. We were so desperate in reaching the minimum earning set for us, which every day’s work of SW was becoming full of anxiety and even diarrhoea. Once I talked with few Arabs who due to Iran-Iraq war were helping us more than any other nationality, they told me they will think about it and in return they will help. I was sure that I am able to get at least hundred pounds from them. When they crossed the street they met my teammate and he got the money. In return they refused to pay me any. While I was talking to them and insisting and perhaps begging to help me as well, I felt they are looking at somewhere close to me with some sort of smile. When I turned me head toward where they were looking I saw two policemen standing close to me and trying to listen what I am telling them. I had to talk to those policemen for few minutes to save myself from being arrested. As a result of using that kind of methods the number of complains and arrests increased sharply and a new section was set in the society to deal with police and court. . We had to register or work to make it more legal and . . . When weather was rainy or windy as most of the time it was, our day was changing into our saddest day of our life, as we were unable to stop people and talk to them as usual. To face this obstacle many invented new methods including work in train and even in buses. If we were short of earning, after saying good-bye to the last passer-by, we could start knocking doors of houses and asking for help. Once at the end of a day I could see I am fifty pounds short of what I had to earn. In my way back to our base I start knocking doors. The first door I knocked I faced a gentleman from Pakistan, by experience we knew they are not very helpful, as many had some sort of sympathy toward Khomieni. I wanted to say good-bye and knock other doors; when he saw me hesitant to talk to him, asked me what do I want. I told him that I am short fifty pounds and I had to earn it and I don’t have enough time. He asked me if I have had any food. During those days we used to take a cold sandwiches from the base and have it as our lunch. We were not permitted to spend any of our earnings for food. But as mostly we were worried about our income, rarely we could think of hunger. He invited me to have dinner with them and told me if I prove Khomieni is not a Moslem, he is going to give me fifty pounds I was short of. I felt he is an honest gentle Moslem whom I can have very good conversion with and perhaps at the end he helps me too. I had dinner with them and while we were eating I told him about killing of pregnant women and young children, about continuation of war, about monopolisation of power and not accepting us as Moslem. The last word was the trick, which solved the problem. According to Islam whoever who says he is a Moslem should be accepted as Moslem, and nobody except God can judge him as non-Moslem. Anyway he helped me and saved me from sister Tahereh’s criticism. Some times deceiving and lying was the only way out of that misery. I knew some were increasing the amount of checks they had, they didn’t care if that checks return from bank unpaid, this was not their problem any more as nobody knew who got those checks in first place. But the trick many including me were using was to save money when we had good income for the days, which we couldn’t reach to our limit. In this way we could stabilize our income. Especially when we knew if we earn more than usual in one day it might become as our own individual limit and Sister Tahereh might expect us to earn the same amount each time. By now we were under immense pressure from police. In many areas police was not ready to let us to work, some area for using wrong methods as we used to say ‘were burned’ meant people knew us and were avoiding us. So I was asked by sister Tahereh to search for new places and write a weekly bulletin to educate our members about their wrong and right doings. Each week I was reading all reports of our Teams and were picking right and wrong doings of them, sometimes I used to go and see them in action and writing note about their work. I was collecting experiences of different people in dealing with difficult situations, and through bulletin was transferring them as new experiences to others. Each week before copying the bulletin for reading of our boys, it had to be inspected by sister Tahereh, most of the time many of wrong doings in my view were going to be crossed out by her. Once she told me you are more worried about what people think about us, while I am thinking what our leadership and organisation think about our income. I told her I am worried that if we continue like this soon we will burn all areas and there is nowhere left for us to work. She laughed and said don’t worry soon we will be in Iran and it is not important if we leave a burned country behind.

            On June, yearly financial record of organisation was printed in the Mojahed. It was strange and we were wondering why the organisation did it, as every financial aspects of the organisation were top secret for all members. I feel it was due to criticise of left and right organisations that Mojahedin are getting money from west or Iraq. Any way according to this record total yearly income of the organisation was 717,945,453 Toman, which was almost equal to $ 12,820,454; from this amount $ 1,167,981 was from our SW work, and $1,703,053 from different business, which Mojahedin had in different part of world including our income from our Kebab vans. As $ 3,225,112 of this amount was from loans, at the end organisation was short of money by $1,539,183. Iranian help including the money, which members got from their families plus material type of help, was $ 6,724,306. Any way these numbers didn’t mean much for us except debt of the organisation, which meant we have to work much harder to fill that gap.

            The base, which I was working, was the central base, so although my masoul was Jamil, but as most of the times he was in different cities, normally I was supervised by Tahereh who was masoul of the society, I had to ask her all my questions and answer her about my work. Poor Jamil was more obstacle than masoul, most of the times he didn’t know what I am doing and was not able to ask me to do anything as it could contradict with what Tahereh had told me to do. I myself had the same problem with Hussein, he was in the same base, so most of the times he was getting his order from Tahereh or other high ranking masouls without I know anything about them. Funny was that at the end of the day I was responsible of wrong doings of Hussein and I presume Jamil was responsible for my actions. I had some sort of double life over there, most of the times I was not myself, my best time were when I had a lot of job to do and my worst was when I had nothing to do. I was trying not to think, not to read, not to talk much and rarely ask questions and give suggestion. As I could feel I am under surveillance and some sort of test especially from sister Tahereh. For the first time in my life I could see some of my feelings that were forcing me to hate myself. Feeling like, envy, rivalry, fear, anxiety, exhibiting my ability, conservatism. Each week on Fridays, there was council of the society, responsible of every sections were gathering in our base to have meeting with Tahereh, it was called council of the society, the meeting was behind close doors, so I didn’t know what they are talking about, I could imagine important matters about society is decided there. Many who were in the council were part time supporters of the organisation when I was a member, so I could feel I envy them, it was hateful, how on earth could I envy anybody in this organisation that higher rank meant: ‘sacrificing more’! I was judging them and comparing them with myself, and I could feel many of them are less capable than me and perhaps have sacrificed less than me. Although I knew very well that I am paying the price of my previous mutiny, still I was not happy about my situation, I could feel I am able to do much more and instead have to sit in a room read and write. I was blaming myself for that kind of thought especially on Fridays, and I was ashamed of myself for all those evil feelings, but what could I do about them? Some how Tahereh knew what she is doing. Later I found out this was not only me with those sort of feeling, she was forcing us to compete against each other, Some times she was telling me about achievements of others especially those whom she could feel I might be in competition with, this was her trick and she was doing it against others too.

Trial of a member, an ‘organisational lesson’ for all of us.

One Sunday we were told not to do any cleaning in our bases and instead go to one of the bases for seeing videotape. The video tape was about Yaghobie one of the old and high ranking members of the Mojahedin, the only thing we knew about him was some record of his activity when he was nominated from Mojahedin for election of parliament and seeing his pictures few times with Rajavi and other high ranking members. Apparently for some times and for some reasons he had lost his position in the organisation. According to the organisation he was attached to his wife, late sister-in-law of Rajavi. On the other hand, He was claiming that organisation is not democratic and is controlled by the band of Rajavi. As for sometimes he was asking for some kind of congress within the organisation to look at his claim and judge about the matter. To silence him, Members of the Mojahedin situated in Paris, were asked to attend a meeting to hear him and criticise him if they want too. The videotape we were going to see was video of that meeting. We were told that we have to look at this video as an educational one. In the meeting first they chose the oldest member as president of the council and then there was voting for choosing the real president which obviously Rajavi had all the votes except one, clearly the Yaghobie one. Then Rajavi asked Yaghobie to talk about his claims; he start saying things he wanted to say, while everybody was trying to answer him back and as matter of fact criticising him simultaneously. Well I couldn’t’ agree with what Yaghobie claimed, his speech didn’t have enough logic, it was not in order and clear, he was accusing Rajavi without giving enough reason for his accusations. So from his speech one could judge his opposition against Rajavi, as it was claimed by the organisation, due to his attachments or his liberalism, being afraid of either he or his wife being sent to Kurdistan. But when people start attacking him and criticising him, I could feel pity for him. To prove their loyalty toward Rajavi, all members were competing each other in attacking him as harsh as they could. He was like an injured hunt that was getting injured from different directions, obviously in this situation he lost his gentleness and manner and start attacking back, but what one person can do against attacks of twenty to thirty people. He was answering one accusation while the other members were attacking him from another corner. Sometimes one could feel he was not able to answer back with words, so he was jumping from his chair and sitting back, he was like a hunt who was trying to defend himself with all his might but without any success. For the first time I could feel I didn’t like the personality shown by Rajavi in this meeting, firstly I wished he was not accepting for once the chairmanship of that meeting as he was the accused one, secondly he could see that this poor old man is not able to defend himself, and is far behind others in expressing himself, so he had to show some kind of mercy toward him and at least stopping people in attacking him simultaneously, without any reservation. Some how I felt not only Rajavi was not sad about that situation of his old colleague, but was happy too, to see one who dared to oppose him in that desperate and awful situation. I think, he felt this meeting was a success for him and certainly a lesson for all members, perhaps this was the reason why it was shown to us. After the video, as usual Tahereh asked us about what we learned from the video. I had to produce something to say, by now it was customary and every body knew that they have to make something and say, only everybody was hopeful to be asked as late as possible to learn from saying of others and have more time for preparation. I had produced some general statement to say, so I told her: “attachments is like disease if one doesn’t cure it immediately, it will become incurable and in no time will kill our revolutionary soul.” Well my real lesson was: “not ever question the organisation, not ever criticise the leadership, even any high ranking masoul. In organisational work be as conservative as possible and in executive work be as active as possible.” At the end of the meeting as people were in rush to go back to their usual Sunday work (i.e. their personal work,) few wore wrong shoes and soon many had to wear each other’s shoes, when it reached to me, who I was deep in my thought, so one of the last one leaving that base, there was no shoes left to wear except a slipper.

No personal affection or sorrow, not even for mother’s death

In October (1984) start of another collective mobilisation was announced, the title of the mobilisation was week of ‘opposing the war and death to Khomieni’. In this mobilisation we were told that we have to be as active as those who are in Iran. As well as working harder and earn more money than usual; we were told that we have to contact our friends and relatives in Iran and ask them to do something against the regime. As far as I could see, I had nobody whom I could call and ask for something like that, my only friend whom I could ask him was Farzad, who in our last conversion, showed me very strong reaction against Mojahedin. I had no connection with any of my family and even if I had, I knew very well, they are not prepared to involve themselves in politic. The only one who I could call and ask her any thing, anytime, was my very good old mother!

            It was almost four or five years that I had not have any contact with her, so my first problem was, shame. I was very ashamed to call her after long time and ask her to put her life in danger for his unkind and careless son. On top of that, we had to have our conversion in front of our masoul, which in my case was the deputy of the society. How on earth could I show my emotions, my love for my mother in front of that masoul and not be labelled as ‘dependent’ person! Our deputy name was Fazeleh. She was very famous among us for being very serious and her angry face, her bad temper, and bitter words. One could rarely see her smiling and even so one could swear that it was an artificial one. On top of all that she was very judgmental type of person, she could judge people very quickly, and very rarely was prepared to accept her mistakes. Once in our meeting I gave record of earnings of Newcastle section to her. When she saw those record she immediately start attacking the poor guy, new masoul of Newcastle, for not having enough income. I was astonished, as I knew they haven’t done bad, and even their income was good. So I was wondering what she meant, and what was going on! Eventually I found out she was looking at wrong number and has mixed the number of hours for working in SW with the amount of earning. I had to tell her, and I did. She looked at me angrily and said: “Even so, their record is very bad!” And continued attacking that poor guy. So now I had to contact my mother after few years, in front of this lady and ask her to write slogans and send their pictures to us. When I called her, it was like one has given her the whole universe. She was laughing and crying at the same time. Thanks god she was laughing and crying and was telling me what was in her heart and mind so loudly, which I was not able to talk, if so, I didn’t know what to say, how to show my emotions while not jeopardising my situation in front of my masoul and being labelled by her. She was hearing her too, so wrote on piece of paper for me: “say something and stop her, think about expense of telephone call too!.” I stopped my mother and to change the subject I asked her about Ammo Jan? She starts crying even more loudly, she said: “Your Ammo Jan is death.” Now I was in big trouble, stopping my emotion, stopping her cry, saying something, I was not able to continue that telephone call, not in that situation, I knew how much my mother loved her husband, and she knew how much I liked him, and how kind he was to me. I didn’t know what to say, or I didn’t want to say what I wanted to say. I said: “God bless him, Fari Jon ( as I was calling my mother ), I am shocked, I can’t talk, I have to call you again and I will, very soon, but before ending the telephone call, I want to ask you something.” She said: ‘GHORBONAT BERAM’. (I am ready to sacrifice my self for you). What do you want?.” I told her what I wanted. She was confused and asked me: “but how, I am an old woman, I haven’t done this sort of things before, I don’t know how to do it, and what to write, with what should I write?!” I told her she should buy oil paint, and hide it under her veil, when she find nobody is passing in the street she should write slogans I gave her. My masoul wrote me again: “ask her to keep the record and end the conversion.” I did and this was my last conversion with my mother, the one that I loved most. Few weeks later we were asked to call our relatives again and ask them what have they done, as they wanted to print the number of activities in the Mojahed as glorious result of our activities for ‘mobilisation week!” When I called my mother, my aunt answered the phone, when she heard me start crying and saying: “GHORBONAT BERAM, GHORBONAT BERAM.” She was crying without any stop. Then she told me that she can’t talk and asked my brother to talk with me. My step brother (husband of My mother’s sister). Told me: “Masoud come down, Look Fari Jon is gone. it was easy and painless.” I was shocked and didn’t know what to say, for few second I was silence, then I asked what do you mean, I talked with her few weeks ago, and she was OK, He said: “No she was not, she was very ill, she didn’t want to harm you, so she didn’t tell you any thing, as matter of fact it is her third day, (three days after her death.) And we are gathered here for her third day ceremony.” I was not able to say anything, not even I was able to cry, not because of my masoul who was watching me to inspect my reactions, but I could feel all my logic and feelings have stopped working and I was not able to find any word to say. I think I said nothing and even if I did, I am sure they were meaning less and they didn’t come from my heart or my mind. I am sure I said ‘good bye’. Good-bye to every body, good-bye to my child hood and all my family in Iran. It was my last time I had any conversion with any of them. I didn’t cry, and if I did, I couldn’t notice it, Sarvy latter told me, I talked to her about My mother’s death, but I don’t remember, so even if I did it was not cognisant. Every day hearing news of death of few people close to us if not personally, but ideologically, even receiving news of execution of our close friends as Ali and Nadir and Ali Akbar and Ali Reza . . . had changed us from normal human beings in to something else. We were not calling ourselves as ‘senseless’ or ‘emotionless’, people, as we could see our emotions are working and are forcing us to work and work harder for happiness of others, feel for others and cry for them, unknown others, unsee