With the victory of the revolution, there were less political activities around us, less demonstration or none at all, less political meetings and less political discussions in student union building. Every body had to go back toward normality and study hard to fill the gap created during the revolution time.

            To help the Iranian students in different level to overcome this backwardness, we arranged different tutorial classes for different level. Although my supervisors in both department were very understanding and kind about my situation, but still I had to study harder as well, to have some thing ready as my achievements by the end of my first year study in PhD course.

            Sarvy was growing very fast, she was talking and her words for us were sweeter than honey, sometimes in Farsi and sometimes in English and most of the times mixed and confused between two languages. One night while we were laying in bed and she was playing close to us, we could see the signs of fear on her face, first we didn’t realize what is her fear from, then we realized that she has noticed our shadows on the wall and as a new phenomena has become the source of her fear. When we realised it, Anna and I both start laughing at her. At this time her fear mixed with anger from our ignorance toward those horrible creatures, so she start shouting and crying at the same time, I took her in my arm and showed her more and more shadows till she realised who are those creatures and eventually fear changed into joy and fun, she found new toys to play with.

            I could feel that I have every thing, which one might wish for. I was married to the most understanding, kind and beautiful woman. I had nicest child that one could wish for. I was in my final years of my study, the thing that could secure our life for future. Nice home, car . . . Although I had to work every day till late in the university, but every night returning home, meant returning to love and warmth, which did exist in our little house.

            Although since adult hood Anna and I were Moslem in name, now we were trying more and more to respect and act according to the Islamic values and teachings. Once there was a reception organised by the substitute head of the university, over there we felt proud of announcing that we don’t drink alcohol because of our religious believe. In the same meeting we met a couple from Libya who were postgraduate student in the university, we were very happy to meet them as we felt they can be very good friend for us. We used to think any body in modern world including colonel Gadaffi in Libya, who is talking about restoration of Islam as an Ideology and guides, is thinking and talking like Shari’ati and Bazargan. So we were proud to meet this new people from land of true Islam, we felt we can learn a lot from them. But contrary to our expectation, they told us that they are political refuges and are against Gadaffi regime. After few seconds taking we judged them as some people like our own pro Shah Iranian who soon or late have to become refuges in this country. After few minutes talking we both preferred to find an excuse and depart from each other. For the first time we could see anger, hate and barrier created by Ideological believe. Up to then only we had tasted the sweetness of believing in something in our mind and heart. Love, Unity, brotherhood. The kind of feelings which rarely could be find and seen in ordinary life of twenty century especially in western world.

First crack among the ‘revolutionaries’

Less than two weeks after the victory of the revolution we heard about the first disagreement between Mojahedin and provisional government of Bazargan. We heard Rajavi one of the leaders of Mojahedin has attacked Bazargan and has questioned him about two of his people, namely colonel Tavakoli and speaker of the provisional government Amir-Entezam. Personally up to then I never heard about Rajavi and didn’t know anything about him. Although as many Iranians, at least intellectual ones I used to love and respect all Mojahedin, because of their courage and self-sacrifice. But we were looking at people like Bazargan not only as prime minister but also as a teacher. I like many others around me didn’t know much about teachings of Mojahedin and we used to think that they are inheritor of teachings of Shari’ati and Bazargan. As a result without any doubt we were introducing ourselves as supporters of Mojahedin. Because of this when committee of supporters of Mojahedin was established. Proudly I introduced my self as one of their members in our city. But now there was the first sign of difference of Idea and the first crack in the unity of revolutionary forces. I could feel Mojahedin are talking like other ultra-left groups. Parallel to what was happening in Iran, we were able to see signs of split among Iranian students around us. Among all those who, by the start of the revolution became united and brother like against tyranny of the Shah. Supporters of different Marxist Groups and even some supporters of Mojahedin were very hot blooded and were attacking all leaders of the revolution including Bazargan, Sanjabie. Only Talaghani and Khomieni himself were safe from those sharp attacks and accusation of working or collaborating with the Imperialism and America. Less than a month after the revolution, we heard about attack of some people called themselves as Heazbollahy- (followers of party of God) to the centres of Mojahedin in few Iranian cities, Kushan, Yazd, and Torbat-hedariea. We heard Mojahedin present in those centres had been beaten and thrown out of their bases. Strangely these people, like Mojahedin were accusing Bazargan for collaborating with the Imperialism. It seemed they are as left as other revolutionary groups, while they were called by them as ultra right and reactionary (MORTAGA’IN). Few days later there was news about start of fighting in Kurdistan and Torkaman-Sahra, between Pasdaran (revolutionary Guards) and supporters of different revolutionary groups.

            Soon, all of us had to take side. Supporters of different groups rarely were ready to talk to each other and were even hesitant to say hello when by chance were facing each other. As Bazargan later said “Unity of revolutionary forces gone with departure of common enemy, namely Shah.” I was under attack not only because of defending provisional government and Bazargan, but even as a supporter of Mojahedin. Supporters of other organisations were claiming that: “Mojahedin are silent about all different issues unless they feel their own interest is in danger. Bases of other organisations are under daily attack and they don’t say anything, people are killed in different part of the country and again they are silent. Only about issue of America and Imperialism which they feel are good propaganda issues they are very sharp and quick to criticise the government.”

            So new Iranian year didn’t bring as much joy as we expected. First of April was announced as a day for referendum to choose between Islamic republic and constitutional Monarchy. For me and many around us this was not right choice, as the answer of all of us to later one was ‘NO’ but it didn’t imply that our answer necessarily is yes to former choice. All other revolutionary groups including some national organisations like National Democratic Front boycott the referendum. Mojahedin stance about that issue was complete reflection of my mind and wish in word. They showed their opposition toward the form of referendum’s question. They suggest, if it can be changed into only one question about abolishment of the Monarchy in Iran and select of the name for new republic be postponed to later when the National Assembly decides about constitution of the country. At the same time they announced, as they are Moslem their answer naturally to the first choice is yes, but at the same time as Islam has defined and had seen in different shape, they defined their kind of Islam too and mentioned that when we say yes to Islamic republic we mean an Islam which is going to bring freedom and justice for every body including non believers to Islam or God.

            On the day of referendum most of us except few travelled to Manchester, where we were able to vote in Iranian consult. It was my first time which I was going to Iranian embassy or consult after collapse of the Shah’s regime. I felt our embassy has changed totally. Some how I could feel that place is a second home. Every body calling others as brother or sister, which for me meant a lot. I asked somebody where can I pray and he showed me a large room. While I was praying there I was full of joy, I could feel that these new republic of us is going to be land of love, freedom and brotherhood. I could see representative of the new government as simple as us praying in the same line as us, giving us a sense of ownership of our country.

            The answer of the referendum was clear, answer of 99% of voters was yes to Islamic Republic, It was the first and perhaps the last free and almost fair election in our modern history. And it was my first and last time of voting. After the referendum the difference of Idea between different groups increased sharply and became widespread. We heard about attack of Heazbollahies against any women without ‘Heajab’ (veil or scarf), their slogan was ‘YA ROSARY, YA TOSARY’ (either scarf or a bash on the head). Some Mullahs now were talking about return of the law of Sharie’a, which were rarely in practice in Iran during all its Islamic history. ‘Stoning’, slashing and cutting hands and feet, we used to consider these practices as a barbaric and denounce it as pre-Islamic laws of Arabs, which were not related to Islam. We believed although Islam was not able at the time to abolish them, but made the condition of their practice as difficult as none of them could be practised under the name of Islam. For example for proof of adultery two person had to swear that they have seen the act in detail themselves, as this is almost impossible, so is the proof of adultery and punishment of any body under this charge. But what ever we used to say and argue against the questions of others, the real fact was that their practice was already started and our laws and judiciary system was going backward very fast. The main slogan of the Reactionaries or Heazbollahies was ‘HESB FAGHAD HESB’OL LLAH, RAHBAR FAGHAD ROHOL LLAH’ (party only party of God, leader only Khomieni), with this slogan they meant, there will be no freedom for any body else except those who belong to this group or those who ally with them. According to their idea either you were with them or against them. Their monopolistic actions were growing and becoming more and more widespread very fast. Soon it included those around the most progressive Ayatollah, the one who was respected and loved by the majority of the people from left to right. They kidnapped sons of Ayatollah Talaghani and in response; he closed all his offices and preferred not to be in public for some times. Every body who heard about this news become very sad and angry. Mojahedin by revealing what has happened and denouncing the animosity of ‘reactionaries’ toward Ayatollah Talaghani which by now used to be called by Mojahedin and many Iranian as ‘PADAR’ (father) gained some support among people. In this way, somehow they could regain some of the support lost after criticising the provisional government. The reactionaries had to retreat, they freed Talaghani’s sons.

            What ever was happening in Iran nobody was criticising Khomieni himself, he had his status. His word in any subject was final word. We loved him and we hopped he livelong enough till final success of our revolution. For some times there was no good news from Iran, spring of the revolution was very short live and one could smell and feel the heat of boiling bloods in Iran. It was very difficult for me to take side, from one hand I could not approve what ever was happening under the name of the revolution and Islam and on the other hand we had experience of Chile and were afraid that Khomieni become the second Allende. As a result I preferred to involve my self less than before in discussions of my fellow countrymen and preferred to go back to Iran and see the events in first hand.

Back to Iran, new country, different people

It was July 79, after exactly 3 years we were seeing our home country, three crucial years, which changed everything for millions of Iranian forever. Although Sarvy still was too young to understand our joy for returning home, we were trying hard to tell her how good it is and let her to share our joy. To respect new Iranian culture Anna had to wear scarf in the Iranian plane, ‘HOMA’. This was a bite strange for Sarvy and perhaps for us to see Anna with scarf.

            When plane landed on Iranian soil, a man in the plane asked everybody to send ‘SALEVAT’, it was, when people traditionally wanted to clap for pilot for his marvels landing. Traditions that we knew and were used to be changing and sending ‘SALEVAT’ (Hailing loudly to prophet Mohammed and his family and descendent), was new substitute for clapping that was considered as western one. Well it was nice substitute and we followed it gladly. As a joke, I told Anna and Sarvy that we are from descendent of prophet, so it means hail to us as well.

            Getting off the plane, nice, hot Iranian wind touched our skin, how marvels and delightful it was, we were crying and I wanted to kneel and kiss the blessed soil of our country, as warmly as one who kiss his lover after long absence. In airport, still few familiar pass control personnel faces could be seen, but majority were certainly Pasdaran, young men with beard and dark green cloths and a rifle on their shoulder. Thanks to our family name and being related to Abol-Hasan Banisadr, one of the most popular and famous faces of new regime, we were not kept waiting for long and could pass from luggage checking and pass control very quickly. Out side of Airport thousands of expected and worried eyes were waiting and searching to find love ones who were passing the airport door. Among them Anna’s relatives and my mother and Ammo Jan. For about half an hour, we were crying and kissing, faded questions from each side, and unanswered one were flying around us. Nice words and kind smiles, endless hugging and kissing. Although it was only three years since when we saw our country last time, it seemed like ages. I felt that story of the Quran ‘ASHAB’E KAHAV’ has been materialised in us. We were slept for years and now we were awake and we could see our country after hundreds of years. Exactly like that story, everything was changed, walls of the city were full of slogans, still some of the barriers built by the people during the revolution for resistance against army’s bolts were in the middle of streets, and cars had to pass through them. Streets names were changed and we found ourselves in strange city that we didn’t know the name of any road or alley. Instead of name of Shah and his family and his titles now almost everywhere was named after martyrs of the revolution, which was very nice. When we heard name of Pahlavi (Shah’s family name) street has changed into Mossadeq, hardly we could hold ourselves from crying loudly. Most of women instead of high fashion cloths of old time had dark veil on, though still few could be seen with scarf or even without any and in old type of cloth. Clean shaved men with ties, now had beard and all fastened button shirt. In ‘Shah Reza’ roundabout, there was no sign of Reza Shah statue. As matter of fact contrary to old time, there was no statue of Shah and his family in any street or roundabout. It was somehow funny to see that people are not afraid of traffic police any more and perhaps opposite to that policemen were somehow afraid of people and were talking with them very politely and with respect. There was an accident, two car bumped at each other, in old time following the accident like that, drivers used to get off, swearing at each other and in many cases fighting till be separated by the people or police. Now strangely in front of our gazed eyes drivers got off, shake hands and kissed each other and exchanged address and telephone numbers. It seemed revolution like a very patient and kind teacher has educated our people and in one year they have paved the way of hundred years. In my motherhouse we watched new Iranian Islamic TV, and could listen to new Iranian Radio. For the first time we were able to hear the name of Mojahedin martyrs from Iranian radio. New Iranian regime and government was proud of them and many universities and hospitals and other public places were named after them. After all martyrs are the main capitals of the Shia’a faith. Everything was changed hugely and was not comparable with the old times. For us, all of those changes were not only interesting but also nice and joyful. Though I felt our family are not as joyful as we were and were missing some of the good old things. Ammo Jan told me, “not everything we had in the past was bad, is pity that good and bad are burning together, we have to keep the good ones!”

            When we visited my father in his house, he apologised for not being present in the airport, he said, “now rarely I am able to go out. Every thing has changed and I don’t know much about new customs and behaviour of people. I cannot drive any more as nobody respects old traffic’s law. Now days any body who does not like any thing from old time says that is ‘TAGHOTI’ (Customs, culture and relations set by the enemies and rebellious to God) and reject it immediately without substituting it with “new good one.” When we were having lunch, traditionally he poured for us a glass of wine. I apologised and told him as we consider ourselves Moslem, we can’t drink, I could see that his smile suddenly changed into sorrow and sadness. He shook his head and said: “so now you are Moslem too and those who drink wine are not!?” Then while we were having our lunch he was arguing that wine is part of the Iranian cultures and can be seen in our past literature, in poems of most of our old and new poets. “All our intellectuals and writers and poet were good Moslems and at the same time they were drinking wine, many in Iran drink wine, but we never have had problem of Alcoholic as can be seen in other countries.” Then he add perhaps from anger: “Anyway Islam has accepted many bad and backward traditions of Arabs as its own and has forced us to accept them as Islamic tradition, why can’t we keep one “bad “one of our own!?.” He laughed and changed the subject. His house was changed too, there was no statue of shah in our hallway and nor his picture on fine silk carpet hanging from the wall. We were told that Mohammed Agha and Khadijeh Khanom who were working for them now have their own house and are living in the same area. So my father and stepmother and my sister Nazi were living alone and had to do every thing in that big house by themselves. After hour or two, my father asked me if I can accompany him to where he wanted to go, he told me let us take the bus, these days that is the safest form of transportation. While we were sitting in the bus, for the first time he asked me in equal term or even perhaps as a person who is asking from an expert, “do you really think these Mullahs are good for our country?.” I told him: “well I think revolution was not for the rule of Mullahs but for the rule of people.” He didn’t let me to continue my idealistic and philosophical wordings. Perhaps he realised that I am talking as a visionary person, he asked me his second question, “what are you going to do? Are you going to stay? Or are you going back to finish your study?” It was strange shape of question, normally this kind of questions had following sentences, implying his view, giving initial clue to how the answer should be like. I told him “I don’t know! I like to stay and work, every thing is changing very fast and I want to be part of these changes. Although I have some doubt about the direction of new government.” He asked me about our relative, Abol-Hasan Banisadr, I had noting good to tell him about this relative of ours as I heard from Mojahedin that he is master mind of calling Mojahedin, as ‘ELTAGHATII’ (People who have mixed two Ideology, in this case Islam and Marxism, with each other) and Stalinist which we didn’t mind very much as Stalin was a ‘revolutionary’ and his name meant like steal which we were proud to see Mojahedin as hard as steal. My father told me: “I am going to make you an appointment to see Banisadr and tell him your concerns and perhaps you can find some answer for your questions. He didn’t ask me if I want to see him or not, though I felt perhaps this is not a bad idea. After all I could see him and tell him about what I have heard. Although by then we were very sensitive about Mojahedin and was judging any body according to their behaviour toward them. Still Mojahedin were not the sole measure of good and devil for me.

            Next day I called my friend Mohammed, he was second closest Mojahed friend of mine, Aliraza was the first one, as matter of fact Mohammed and I both were the same age and older than Aliraza, but we were accepting him as our guide in Mojahedin path. For us Aliraza was symbol of Mojahedin, we never saw him without nice and kind smile, he was always even in hottest discussions calm and patient, his logic and arguments were strong and his emotions were genuine and honest. In any joint action he was always choosing the hardest job, and in eating and resting he was the last. Although his uncle was a minister of provisional government and his father was among high-ranking revolutionary circle. He was very modest and in criticising his uncle for his wrong decision-making was ahead of every body. While we were in Newcastle, we jointly decided to visit our country and judge the event for ourselves, and first and before any thing else we decided to go to ‘BEHASH’T ZAHRA’ (new Iranian cemetery, where most of the revolutionary martyrs were buried. Mohammed told me that Aliraza has not arrived yet and are better we visit BEHASH’T ZAHRA in his absence. When I saw Mohammed he introduced me to two of his friends, both supporters of Mojahedin. First they took us to the new build tomb of founders of Mojahedin, over there we prayed special pray for deaths, and in silence we talked [we billed and cooed] to those heroes of new Iranian history. After that we moved to other graves, every grave was covered with an stone and few line written on it, name, age, and a poem or a sentence expressing what was in the heart of death ones our their relatives, few dried flowers on the stone or a small tree or flower cultivated close to them. Vertical to the grave’s stone were frames with the pictures of death ones in them. From those pictures which were parallel to each other in thousands in any directions as far as eye could see, one could judge if not all, most of the martyrs of the revolution were young ones, students of schools and universities. One of Mohammed friends pointed to them and said: “you see our generation paid the price of this revolution and now the others are claiming it as their own.” Then he pointed again toward the graves and said: “how many mullahs can you see among these martyrs, who now are in control of everything and don’t let us to say a word. Where were people like Banisadr or Yazdi or Ghodbzadeh during the revolutions that now are in the government and revolutionary council? Like always honest and young people had paid the price of the revolution and fat and parasite of the revolution had claimed its fruit.” They say is forbidden to grieve for martyrs, but hardly we could stop ourselves from crying, later we found out, that cry was not for the dead ones but for alive ones including ourselves.

            Then, we went toward university of Tehran, the centre and heart of the revolution. The weather was very hot, and it was almost noon time, pick of the hot weather, but hundreds of people were gathered in bunches of few around the university walls and doors. In each bunch two or three people were arguing against each other and few more were listening to them and with their nodding showing their agreements with one side of the arguments or other. Arguments although were loud and sharp but rarely were mixed with swearing and physical touch. It seemed they are very healthy and are symbol of adulthood of our society. In one circle there was discussion about Mojahedin. Discussion was about why Mojahedin always when they want to give speech or on top of their statement they start with famous sentence of “In the name of God and heroic people of Iran.” One who was obviously supportive of reactionaries was arguing that when you put any name beside name of God this is dualism. On the other hand it was funny to see some body else who was arguing, “what is need of putting name of God while that is your personal believe and name of people for daily work is enough.” A Mojahedin supporter was arguing that: “we believe name of God is enough. But there are many have put all their crime under the name of God. So we want to differentiate our believe from them, after all even Carter and Shah are talking about God and Shah was thanking about God as well. So we say God whose orders are for the goods of People. On the other hand we don’t believe People alone is enough as some times People’s understanding and wishes are not one, which should be followed. This is why we believe it has to be in the path chosen by God and prophets and Imams. Name of God is directing us toward the benefit of People where, they, themselves might not know about it or ask for it.”

            Parallel to the walls of the university one could see thousands of books carpeting the street, books from Carl Marx and Engels and Lenin till Islamic books of Dr. Shari’ati and Bazargan, books of different organisations from far left to far right. In between of the books people were selling other things, one was selling tape recorder of people like Motahari and Shari’ati and another one was selling ice cream and sandwiches. Among them one was selling his drawings, most of his drawings were about revolution, contrary to old times which we could buy the posters of British and American singers and artists almost in the same place. In one of his drawings Khomieni in white cloths and white wings was shown as symbol of good and fairies, while Shah with dark dress and two horns on his head was drawn as symbol of Satan and badness. On top of the poster was written: “when goodness comes, badness is forced to leave.” Mohammed’s friend looked at the poster but didn’t say any thing, although his silence meant more than thousand words. I asked him “what do you think?” He said “what can I say he is the leader of the revolution, he sees everything, all unjust actions of the reactionaries and some revolutionary guards and he is silent, as we say in Farsi does silence means affirmative? For many it means yes.” Still for me joy of being in new Iran and achievements of the revolution was far more than any disappointing words of any body, for making me hopeless and frustrated towards the revolution. To see Open University’s doors without old university’s guards with their rifles. Those healthy and intellectual discussions in the street, different books free for sell and buying, hundred of new and old free newspapers and journals free from any kind of censorship. New culture of people, trust, respect and kindness which one could see even from strangers in the street were not something which one could ignore easily and judge the revolution by the actions of some unorganised, individual club-wielders and hooligans.

            Day after, we went to Friday pray in the same place. Every thing was changed completely; there were no discussions or people selling posters or books. As far as eyes could see there were people sitting, standing, walking and sometimes running. It was two hour before pray time, but it seemed millions of people have poured there to find right place for pray. The university itself was full of people and there was no way any one could enter. Even streets close to the university were full. Obviously there was no car in any street and people were queued in parallel lines over there. Anna who was with us had to separate from us and join women lines. The Friday prays Imam was Talaghani and we were very proud to pray behind him. The weather was very hot and some people had cold water and some sweets, with themselves, which were offering it to people around themselves. Many were praying on bare ground of streets. But some had piece of material with themselves to pray on it. There were loud speakers everywhere. Hence though we were miles far from the Imam of pray. We could hear him loudly and act accordingly. It was a moving scene. Although when one pray has to concentrate all his attention toward God and only God. Still I was not able not to notice with joy and strange feeling the disciplined and united movement of millions of people around me. Words of Talaghani were moving as well. While we were hearing him, I was thinking how one could stop loving this man.

            After the pray, I heard from Mohammed that Aliraza has arrived as well, as I had an appointment with my nephew Reza who is nephew of Abol-Hasan Banisadr from father side, I suggested to Mohammed and Aliraza to join me for going to the office of Enghalab Eslami newspaper owned by Banisadr. I told them, we can meet people and ask them questions we have.

A taste of new bitterness

When I saw Aliraza I told him how glad I am to see him in Tehran, I told him it is very good to see my relatives in Enghalab Eslami, I suggested to him that with their help and his uncle’s support we might be able to do something useful. At this point he looked at me angrily while his usual kind smile was missing, then told me, “do you know what are you saying!?” Then he told me how opportunistic and position seeking was my suggestion. I felt so ashamed and for the rest of the day was shameful to talk with him any more or give any suggestion. Over there I met few other relatives of mine and through them and Reza we were introduced to others, most of those who were working there were young like us and were working very hard. I found them honest and trustworthy. They told us that Mullahs are creating problem for them as well, but as they are not contradicting Khomieni and revolutionary council as sharply as communists and Mojahedin do, they are freer to go around and do their job. They were criticising communists and Mojahedin as being some sort of pseudo left whom with their actions and their words not only solve any problem but also are giving more ground to the far right, putting Bazargan and Banisadr in the corner. Aliraza disagreed with them and soon very hot arguments and discussions start between him and them. A sort of discussions that is matter of personal idea and believe. Where neither side can force the other side to accept his arguments as both are predicting the future according to their own view. In this argument I chose to take side with Aliraza, just because he had my trust and still I was ashamed of my earlier ‘opportunistic’ comment. As a result when they offered me to have the newspapers journalist card and go to the places where not any body can go and see things for myself and judge them accordingly, I refused and we left them without any result. Then Aliraza informed us about the demonstration in support of Sadatti, a high-ranking member of Mojahedin, “the first political prisoner “after the revolution as he was called and symbolised later. He was arrested few months earlier by some unofficial revolutionary guards and was tortured. And now without any trail or clear charge was on hunger strike in Evin prison. We asked Reza my nephew to join us in this demonstration, he did agree to accompany us, but not walking among demonstrators, but parallel to them. Anna joined us as well, although as column of men were separated from women, she had to leave us for joining women’s column. Demonstration was from university of Tehran till palace of judiciary. It was my first time which I could see those many people in a demonstration, almost all of us were young and students of universities and high schools and perhaps many students of primary schools. people were very disciplined and were walking in very straight parallel lines, parallel to the lines of the demonstration, members of Mojahedin and their close supporters with their red armlet were walking and were looking after discipline of the demonstration. Among banners in addition to many pictures of Sadatti, there were many pictures of Khomieni and Talaghani and martyrs of Mojahedin. Parallel to the demonstration were moving people with puzzled faces, they could not understand what is this demonstration for, as far as they could see there was no Shah left to demonstrate against him. Revolutionary government was in power, so aims and demands of the demonstrators were puzzled for them. Then from middle of our way we saw and felt new people around and parallel to the demonstration, from whisper of demonstrators we found out that they are club wielders and reactionaries. With closer and careful look one could see that many of them were hiding piece of wood or club under their coat or have their belt in their hand. Then we heard a woman who was standing in the pavement and like a tape recorder was swearing loudly to the demonstrators, soon I found out that she was famous Zahra Khanom, some how speaker of club wielders. Then near to the judiciary palace attack of club wielders was started, our order was to keep the discipline of the lines with any price, be beaten but not react. We had to be calm, well behaved, and passive against any attacks. Reactionaries started to beat people with their belt and clubs and some start throwing stones toward demonstrators, they were beating demonstrators with any means which they had including using their hands and their feet. Soon those Mojahedin who were guarding the lines of the demonstration, to defend demonstrators from beatings of the club-wielders, circled their hands and stood in front of them so they could get most of the beatings and less was passed to the people in the lines. They were few and at most they could defend women’s lines, many of us including me and Aliraza and Mohammed Joined them and circled our hands into their hands. We were reached to the Judiciary Palace and over there we were going to listen to the speech of Rezaie’s Mother, Mother of four Martyrs. I felt now to respect her, this people will become silenced, but on contrary I found out that they don’t have any respect for her and start swearing at her too. Soon they got reinforcement and their attacks was increased, our order was to hold to the circle which was build around the gathering and stay there till the end of the demonstration, now we were able to see some blood around ourselves. Blood from injured people by stones or clubs. Soon smell and sound of firing gun forced us to feel the presence of the revolutionary guards in the scene. By now circle of defence was broken in many places. I heard a man who was leaving us while was insulting every body and saying: “this is not possible, one has to answer to this bastards the way which they can understand.” Sound of Rezaie’s Mother from loudspeaker was mixed with the sounds of bolts and swearing of reactionaries and cry of injured. With the attack of revolutionary guards to the demonstrators every body rushed to different direction. Now every body was running from the scene and nobody was ready to stand there any more. I saw some people who were beaten by the revolutionary guards and injured by them. Some who found a garden’s open door, start running toward the garden to hide themselves over there.

Final preachers for joining Mojahedin

Now after hour or two, I was bewildered, puzzled and terrified of the things I had seen in past few hours. I was worried very much for Anna, “where is she and what has happened to her?!” I was walking alone and some how searching in the streets of Tehran. With the look of it I was searching for Anna, but deep down I was searching for the lost revolution that we gave all our hopes and loves too. I think those club wielders and revolutionary guards were my final preachers toward Mojahedin. Before I realise it, with their actions they decided about my future destiny. Their action made them the best preachers of the Mojahedin cause, in the same way that Shah was the real leader of Iranian revolution. I remembered what my cousin, Banisadr told us in our house in Newcastle, “If they don’t respect freedom and rights of people we will fight against them in the same manner we fought against Shah’s regime.” Where was he now to see this Guards who were supposed to be guardian of the freedom and rights of the people. He was in revolutionary council ‘collaborating’ with the same people responsible for this savagery. In this way my mind about him was made as well.

            In Anna’s parents home I found Anna dressed nicely waiting for me, I told him how worry I was for her and how much I searched for her. Quietly I told her: “I learned again how much I love you.” In living room Anna’s cousin, Mohsan and his wife, both supporters of Mojahedin were waiting for us. I let them know about my few hours horrified and bewildered walk in the streets. I didn’t hide my fear and worry from actions of reactionaries and revolutionary guards. I told them just in one day I saw how easily one can be killed in this city and see the end of his life or beloved ones. They laughed and told me: “for us it is part of daily life, by now we are used to it and see that it is getting worse and worse.” Mohsan, Anna’s cousin was one of the nicest people whom we knew, his honesty and kindness was known to every body around him, to find him among supporters of Mojahedin gave us more courage and determination to follow the path of Mojahedin without any doubt. He told us that his mother is very fanatic Moslem and follower of the Mullahs and has asked them to reject Mojahedin, other wise she is going to curse them. This was the last time we were able to see Mohsan and talk to him, few years later we heard he was executed by the revolutionary guards and his mother did not accept to go to his grave yard or to cry or wear black dress for him.

            The next time when I saw my nephew ‘Reza’ was in my sister’s house, his father in law was minister of judiciary and his father, my cousin was the Provisional government public prosecutor. As other jobs, there was another parallel public prosecutor called the revolutionary one. I asked him about what he saw in that demonstration? He said, it was very sad and nobody can accept his or her action, I asked him so why provisional government is not doing any thing about it? he said well they are nobody, they have no power to do any thing. All power is in the hand of the revolutionary comities, the revolutionary guards, and revolutionary bodies. The revolutionary prosecutor and revolutionary court decide about the faith of people and my father and my father in law as other officials of the provisional government cannot do any thing about them.

            Few days later, I left Tehran for Zahedan, more than thousand miles south of Tehran, to see my oldest and closest friend Farzad who now was a lecturer in Blochestan university. It was my first time in Zahedan, I knew that province is the poorest province of Iran, but I never could imagine as poor as that. Although Zahedan was the capital of the province, still compare to other cities of Iran was very poor. Wherever we were looking we could see mud houses around. As matter of fact, perhaps except centre of the city, which had some nice and modern buildings, mostly occupied by government offices and banks, the rest of the city was in very poor shape. Strange thing was that unlike Tehran, Governmental buildings, even Savak offices were not burned or damaged. When I asked Farzad about it?! He told me that: “the revolution came to our city very late, even statue of Shah in the centre of the city was fallen few days earlier, and not by the people but by the university students and lecturers. People here are so poor that their only concern is how to find food for one day ahead, there is no way they can think about politic. They say Shah is gone and now Khomieni is new Shah. As you can see class difference is not very evident here as well. As a result, many feel that the life as it is, is what it should be. Who ever who become a bite richer doesn’t stay here and soon moves to other cities of the country. Those who remain are leaders of tribes who have the respect of their own tribesmen.” .

            In nighttime we had plenty time to talk about past times and remember good old days. Even in University campus, which was very modern and build nicely, when I wanted to wash my hands, I noticed water is dark and very smelly. Farzad told me that is the best water one can find in Zahedan and is better I get used to it. Over there I was introduced to some lecturers who were supporters of Mojahedin. It was very nice to see them and I wanted to talk with them as long as possible and learn from them. They told me: “The program of Mojahedin and some other revolutionary groups is to go to villages and while helping people to build their surroundings, introduce themselves as well. For example here we are trying to lay a water pipe, so villagers can have clean water for drinking and cultivation; but work is not as easy as it sounds. Biggest obstacles are Mullahs. For example in one village when we finished our work as Mullah of the village told the villagers that the work has been done by communists and water is ‘Najass’ (religiously unclean), nobody was ready to use that water and eventually when we left, villagers dug the land and stole the pipes. This is our situation, while we are Moslem and every day are praying behind those bloody Mullahs. For Feda’ian and other Communist groups situation is even worse and if they were able to save their head, they have to be grateful. This is not the only obstacle, perhaps as big as the first one is poverty. People are so poor that they don’t believe some intellectuals like us might come and work for them freely, so they don’t trust us easily. We don’t have enough time to go and live with them and let them get used to us and know us. Yesterday we took some tools to one village and today when we wanted to start working, we found everything is stolen by the villagers. While we were working hard, they were watching us strangely and with suspicion. Even our modest dress for them is rich dress, and our look for them is sign of wealth. Well we can’t do any thing about our look, so most of the times instead of love we can read signs of hate in their eyes.”

            Next day when we were in the city centre, as we were not able to drink that water, I wanted to buy some Pepsi or any kind of drink could be found over there. I went to a shop and asked for some drink. Shopkeeper asked me if I want to drink it over there or take it with myself? It was strange question for me and I answered that I want more than one and want to take with myself. Strangely he told me he has no drink to sell me. The same thing happened in second shop, and when I went empty handed toward Farzad car. He told me where have I gone wrong. he said “people here are so poor, nobody goes and buys few drink, normally price of bottle of drink is more than drink itself so when you want to take the drink you have to pay for the bottle as well, when you asked for few, shop keepers thought something is happening and price of bottle is going up so they didn’t know how much they should charge you for the bottles. this is why they didn’t sell you any till they learn more about it.” then he add “I am afraid we can not buy any drink in this area for today and if we be lucky enough we might be able to buy it from some where else. You single handed pushed the price of drink high and now every body has to suffer for some times.”

            Over there I found smuggling of different goods was the profession of many people, strangely in open market in the city centre we saw that smugglers are selling every thing, different type of alcoholic drink and sex magazines. Farzad told me “here any thing is for sell even children of the people have price, price of girls and boys for different age is set.” I was wondering in that situation who can talk with this people about politic and democracy. I found out even supporters of Mojahedin are thinking to leave the area. They told me: “it is almost impossible to work here, apart from Mullahs and poverty, we are facing leaders of the tribes as well, they don’t like to see us here and the outcome of what ever we do here by the end of the day is almost nothing.”

            After few days I returned to Tehran. I heard from Hussein, Anna’s brother who was labelling himself as supporter of Feda’ian that Heazbollahies - want to attack Mojahedin bases. Next day I went to the main centre of Mojahedin, the previous office of Pahlavi foundation in Mossadeq Ave. I saw many people around the building, most of them worried supporters who were there to see what they could do to defend the centre. by the door I introduced my self and as I knew few friends of mine from New castle who were working there, I named them and asked if I can see them. Masoud, one of them was there and came by the main door and took me inside and introduced me to some of his work mates. He gave me first issue of Mojahed the official organ of Mojahedin. He told me about the news of past two. He said: “issue of Sadatti is getting hotter and hotter every day, they don’t have any thing to prove that he is a spy of the Soviet Union and on the other hand they have reached to the point that they can not say sorry it was a mistake and free him. I heard Masoud Rajavi and Mussa Khiabani who I found are highest ranking members of Mojahedin, have seen Khomieni and unlike others, as it was a custom, instead of kissing hands of Khomieni, they have kissed his face. apparently Khomieni had asked them to face Marxists and defend Islam against them. I learned as before, reactionaries have attacked centres of Mojahedin in different cities. My friend told me, the centre, which we were in had not been attacked yet, but they are prepared to defend it if they face any attack and are not prepared to surrender it easily. He introduced me to one of the high-ranking member of Mojahedin. He asked me about my relation to Banisadr and other relations of mine in provisional government. When I told him about our visit to Enghalab Eslami Office and my refusal to accept their reporter’s card and also acceptance to see Banisadr himself. He told me both were wrong and I could help Mojahedin a lot by doing so. Then I asked him for advice that should I stay in Iran or go back to England. I asked: “Where can I be more useful for the organisation?.” Perhaps he realised that I am not politically and revolutionary mature enough to stay in Iran and keep my bound with them. Perhaps he realised how much I was terrified of what I saw in the previous demonstration. So he advised me to go back and finish my study while I am helping our brothers and sisters in England.

Back to England with different personality

Soon it came the time to decide if we want to stay or return to Britain. We had financial problem for continuation of my study, Farzad my friend, kindly suggest to give us some thing monthly from his salary till I finish my study, which I thanked him and refused to accept it. At the end we reached to the conclusion that we have to spend less and live on what we get from the rent of our Apartment. To say Good-bye to our parents and our friends was very difficult. while I was saying Good bye to my father and my mother, we were crying and I was telling them in a year or two we are back, so there is no place for sadness. Did I know that, it was the last time, I was able to see them and have them in my arms? Did I know that was the last time, I was able to see my beautiful country and have its warm air in my lungs? No I didn’t, and I never could imagine it! If yes, was I ready to leave them and return to my study? I think Not, Never!

            During our stay in Iran, I bought as many books of Mojahedin as they were published by then. The material of those books and papers were very heavy for me to read from quantity point of view as well as quality. Although all of them were in Farsi, but there were many words and sentences that were very difficult for me to understand. I didn’t think it was because of my knowledge about my mother language, or lack of reading different type of books including political and religious one. As a whole I have to say they were introducing new world, new culture, new literature, and eventually new system of logic and thought. I could feel there are new definitions for everything, good, bad, right and wrong. Reading and understanding each word in their books meant, refusing and denying part of my past, logic and understanding of life and acceptance of new life with everything. The life introduced by them.

            In a little tiny book called “Advice to revolutionary youth “(RAHNAMODHA’E BE’A JAVANAN ENGHALABI), I could see their definition of people like myself and Anna and those around us. According to this book, “mind of those who grow during Shah era through education of school and high school and especially western programs and movies of Television, were educated and directed towards things unrelated to our problems and cultures. Gradually they were ‘stupefied’, ‘narcotised’ and eventually changed into rotten and corrupt people.” On the other hand in the first few pages I could see the other side of the coin. Opposite to us Revolutionaries were defined as those who “have rejected the education given to them by the Shah’s apparatus, they rejected faked heroes like Bruise lee and instead found the real heroes of people, they read and memorised story of revolutionaries and Mojahedin and also they start memorising and singing revolutionary songs and poems. They learned about characteristic of Mojahedin and tried to duplicate them in their own daily life. Now they were facing with new questions. ‘how one can be?’ , ‘how one can live?’, and the most important of all ‘How one can die?’.”

            I think this book knew the question I will face after reading it: “can I became like those heroes those vanguards of people? can I live and die like them? can I fight for freedom of my people?.” The answer to all these questions was yes and the first lesson was “definition of ‘ANSAN’ (human beings)” Characteristic of human beings were numbered as follow: “1-knowledge and understanding: movement and actions of animals are according to their instincts, while man from childhood has to learn every thing and most of his actions are according to what he has learned and understood. 2-Freedom and will power: human beings not only unlike animals are not prison of Geography and weather, but they can resist against their own instinct as well. While they are hungry they can stop eating and while there is a danger, instead of running away they can go toward danger for saving life of others. Opposite to the main instinct of life, which is survival, they can choose to die, but not surrendering their freedom or believe . . . In any direction, which they choose to go, they find no limit for that and nothing can stop them for going further and further. Even those who choose their aim as becoming rich, till last moment of their life they want to become richer and richer.” In this way I found out that greed is one of the man’s character, which is not necessarily bad, only its direction might be bad or good. So one should not fight against his greed, but should direct it toward serving people and God.

            The final characteristic of human beings according to that book was: “responsibility: we are responsible of our actions and our surroundings. As much we know as much we are responsible. So to be more responsible we have to know more. we have to know about governing laws of nature and society, we have to know our enemy and our friends. One who knows and understands more and has stronger will power is more human than one who knows less and has weaker will power. To become more human we have to wipe off class culture, which has shaped our character and our way of thinking. Know more about governing laws of evolution and society and move toward evolving ourselves and society till total freedom of man from exploitation of man, and reaching to the level of ‘God like’ ( KHODA GONE’A). In this path, no one can go higher from ladder of becoming more human by just reading and learning. It has to have mixed with action. So one in what ever level he is has to involve himself in struggle for breaking the barriers against evolution of mankind.”

            Lessons of this book were very clear, we had to forget and reject our past and learn every thing from the start. While I was reading this book and a book about life of few Mojahedin martyrs, my first understanding was how bad and selfish I am, how wasteful my past life has been, and how corrupt and dirty, my mind and heart are. In comparison I was black and they were white, I was night and they were morning. While I was enjoying myself and was thinking about love and marriage and trying different enjoyments of life, Mojahedin where suffering under torture and were fighting in harshest conditions against the Shah’s tyranny. Up to then my character and my past were something that even if I was not proud of them at least I didn’t think they are bad and have to be rejected. They were something that I could lean on them and face odds of outside world. Now not only I had to deny and reject them but even incentives of personal survival were under question marks. I could say before then, my mind and my character, my likes and dislikes, my system of thinking was acting as some sort of White cells against foreign invasion. They were my immune system against outside world. With their help I could immune and protect myself against any one who wanted to exploit me or my mind. But now against Mojahedin teaching this immune system of mine, itself was under attack and it had to be neutralised. So I could be able to understand Mojahedin’s teachings. It was very difficult and Mojahedin knew that very well, it was not job of one day or one month or even one year. They told me it is as difficult as it has been called by God as Great fight compare to other battles human beings have against different enemies including nature.

            Now I was characterising my self as supporter of Mojahedin, from then on everything was changed for me, instead of judging actions of Mojahedin as before I was judging my self if I am acting according their teaching or not. Instead of choosing rights and wrongs of political events according to my logic, I was trying to understand them according to the logic of Mojahedin. Sense of guilt and shame about my post and useless life I have had was getting greater and greater in my mind, more I was reading from Mojahedin’s books and literature, more I was feeling how ignorant I had been. Comparing to them I was feeling how dirty and unclean I am. I had to try very hard to change myself. Fortunately in New castle all people we knew if they were not worse than me, certainly they were not better. So compare to them especially after returning from Iran and things learned from those books I was few steps ahead of every body in the path of Mojahedin.

Mojahedin’s ‘honesty’, and ‘innocence’, their secret of success

First issue of Mojahed was very interesting. I liked more than anything an article about responsibility of writers under title of ‘RASALAT GHALAM’ ( Pen’s mission). In this article which in next issue I learned was written by Masoud Rajavi, it was said: “…. we are sincere and honest with our oath with pen. An oath, which before anything else needs honesty and truthfulness. Other wise how can we talk about resurgence of the truth and salvation.” Immediately after that article there was another one politically very interesting, as by then I had some doubt about Khomieni himself, I could not accept in what ever is happening in Iran, he is blameless and as some used to say he doesn’t know about them. In that article Khomieni and his role in the revolution was described as following: “In the hart of great epic of the Iranian revolution, a face of a man, the hero and the vanguard of the revolution like sun and brighter than any star was shinning. He whom in the most sensitive part of our history’s struggle as leader and materialised form of honour and freedom of people, truly was titled as Imam, in victory of an just but unequal struggle played a decisive and determining rule. In this way new shape of struggle and victory of right over wrong was recorded in the history. Without any doubt for very few leaders like Imam Khomieni (people) have sacrificed and given their love. Hearts of millions of oppressed people with his name have sang freedom’s anthem. An anthem, which implied the death of our time’s Satan. A name that traitor shah’s regime with all its power and might and its anti human greatness wanted people to forget. Up to the point that didn’t have any hesitation in putting those free people who had enough courage to name him, in prison and under torture.”

            Reading these words without any doubt was showing me the Mojahedin’s view about Khomieni himself and acceptance of him as the leader and guardian of the revolution. One of the important event against freedom, in my view was what happened to Ayandegan daily paper. Most of the news of that paper was about activities of leftist groups and brutality of reactionaries. I have to say I was not in total agreement of what ever was written in that paper, but I believed that was part of democracy, no body can agree with everything exist in a democratic society. But when Khomieni as leader of the revolution and as Imam announced he is not going to read that paper any more. Every body could realise what that mean. In simple term it meant who ever who is Moslem and believes in Khomieni should not read that newspaper. At this point neither Mojahedin nor any other Moslem organisation took stance against what Khomieni said, while many thought it was the first move from Khomieni against freedom of press that was in the heart of the freedom as a whole. They preferred to ignore Khomieni’s comment till there was attack of Heazbollahies against the paper. At this point Mojahedin along four other groups condemned that attack, By now every body knew it was the end of that paper and after that other papers one by one will find the same end. Once more Mojahedin were accused by other organisations of being a selfish organisation which only reacts when the organisation itself is under attack and what ever happens for others like banning of National democratic front and many newspapers, they will try as hard as possible to be silent about it and not take any stance. Another issue that was bothering me and I was under question from my Liberal friends in University, were execution orders of the revolutionary courts. Although I was very against Shah’s regime, but I knew for fact that in his regime the first responsible of all crimes was Shah himself and the others even his prime minister Hovida were just some kind of tools who had to do what ever was the order of the Shah. Deep in heart I was against any kind of execution and especially execution of some people like Farokhro Parsa, minister of education. In my view these executions were unjust, and against the Islam I was going to be in fond of it. A part from that, most of those who were executed didn’t have proper trail and again in my view this was far from “Islamic justice” we wanted to introduce it to the world. I have to say I was not happy to see Mojahedin not only were approving these executions but while they were congratulating revolution prosecutors and judges, they were asking for more execution and even sometimes criticising them for not being as decisive as they should be. Any way I could understand this view of mine is part of those education I have had in my childhood and were called by Mojahedin as corrupt. I knew it takes time till I change into a Mojahed and think like them and hate anti-revolutionaries like them.

            That summer apart from reading Mojahedin’s literature. As I wanted to finish my study and return to Iran as soon as possible, I worked very hard in my study and was able to finish important part of my research and reach to some important and final results. by September Anna’s father came to visit us. I liked him very much, he was very nice, honest and kind man. It was less than a week from his arrival that one-day we woke up with his cry. Each morning he used to listen to Iranian radio and that morning he had heard from radio that ‘PADAR’ Talaghani was death. He was right to cry, he was not alone we sat and cried as hard as we could. I remember few very sad points in my life but I have to say this was if not saddest, but one of them. We were looking at him as a barrier in front of reactionaries, he was defender of democracy, progress, rights of people including Iranian minorities, what ever wrong was happening we were looking to him to put it right, he had respect of every body, perhaps this was the reason why reactionaries didn’t like him. Soon we received a tape recorded by the Mojahedin in sorrow of him, in this record there was an unheard speech of him, talking about Mojahedin especially Rajavi and Khiabani. Apparently Mojahedin were asked by him not to distribute that speech, and now after his death they were feeling this is their responsibility to let people know about Talaghani’s view about Mojahedin. Each time we were listening to that type, unwillingly we were crying, his death was the end of any compromise that could bring some kind of unity among different factions of the revolution. His funeral procession was perhaps the last demonstration every body attend.

Iranian, hostages of ‘American Hostages’

On fourth of November 79 an event shook and changed every thing, including life of ours and many other Iranian and perhaps many non-Iranian too. On this day few Iranian university students calling themselves as ‘Students followers of Imam line’ seized the US. embassy in Tehran, taking 66 hostages and demanding that US. extradite the Shah who was in America, hospitalised for treatment of his cancer. Those Hostages were kept for 444 days by the students as hostages, within those days many things changed including Iranian politic, Iranian life and Iranian reputation abroad. Politically we as supporters of Mojahedin could not be against this action as since victory of the revolution, almost there was no Mojahedin statement or article in Mojahed paper without reference to Imperialism and American activities in our country or Vietnam or other part of the world. Mojahedin along other revolutionary groups were criticising provisional government including Prime Minister Bazargan as being lenient toward America and even in some cases attacking some of his associate as collaborator with Imperialism. Mojahedin were very proud of their activities during Shah time against American and in many articles were numbering the number of American who were killed by them. Apart from the stance of Mojahedin toward Imperialism and American, the most important of all was the news of the same day occupation of the American consulates in Isfahan and Tabriz (Two major Iranian cities in centre and north west of Iran) by the Mojahedin themselves. This news made us certain that this action has had support of revolutionary groups including Mojahedin. Mojahedin as later we found out in their publications were not able to hold the captured American consults after involvement of the revolutionary guards. Personally although I was believing that international norms with any cost have to be respected, but in this case I could see the action of students as some kind of revenge against illegal activities of all American personal during previous 26 years. including CIA organised coup against democratic government of Dr. Mossadeq. After all according to the same international norms personal of foreign embassies shouldn’t involve themselves in internal affairs of host country. And yet there was no sign of apology or regret from American toward Iranian for their past activities in our country.

            Well since that day as it was called as the second phase of the Iranian revolution, we had to leave our normal life including our study again, and concentrate more than ever on politic and reflections of that event. as before everyday and perhaps most of the times Iranian students were gathering in students union building or Mosque, exchanging news and information, discussing with other nationalities, explaining, defending and interpreting the events. Unlike the first phase of the revolution that we almost had support of every body, this time there were many who were against our action. Even among Moslems, some truly were telling us that during all civilised history of mankind representatives and messengers of different countries even in wartime had been immune and save in host countries and their embassies some times had been used as sanctuary. Opposite to those who were against this action there were many from different countries who were as excited and moved as us, there were Chilean under Pinochet, with complex of what happened to Allende in their heart. Indonesian with their sorrow for Sokarno and as was claimed one million killed by Sohartoo. Arab students from different countries with hate toward Israelis action in Palestine and unconditional American support for them. Latin American and African students and some leftist British students. For many this action was some kind of answer to bulling policies of American around the world. It was some kind of relive to their hatred toward American, An answer to this complex that American can do any thing they wish and people who have suffered, can not do any thing in revenge.

            In general as every day’s news of all different media were one sided and against us, most of the people were angry and some times we as Iranian even could feel sense of hatred among ordinary people toward ourselves. Even we found out that our British neighbours who were our friends are distancing themselves from us. Soon some Iranian in public preferred to introduce themselves as other nationalities except Iranian, among them those who were keen to keep their identity start introducing themselves as Persian, instead of Iranian as many ordinary people didn’t know they are the same and they used to have good memories from Persia, like cheap Persian oil, Persian carpet or Persian cat.

            After some times one could see some sort of unity among Iranian students again. Few days after the hostage taking, there was a demonstration organised by the Islamic societies in Manchester; we hired few bus and many Iranian students travelled to Manchester to attend that demonstration. It was interesting that among those who attended, there were students who were not supporting any group, even supporters of Tudeh party now were among first line supporters of the revolution and Khomieni himself. In Manchester although demonstration was very dense as many people from other nationalities had joined us as well. Reaction of people around demonstration was totally different. They were looking at us with anger some times loudly were swearing at us, shutting of ‘Go Home You bloody Iranian’ was very common. Even in the middle of demonstration we found a structural worker from top of a building did pee on the head of demonstrators.

            After that demonstration, organisers of the demonstration when later on I found out that they had link with Manchester consulate of Iran, made contact with me and wanted I represent them in our area. During those days Moslem students in Iran and abroad were divided in two main branches: ‘Islamic societies’ which were supporters of the Regime and especially Mullahs. And ‘Moslem Student Societies’ as was known as MSS that were supporters of Mojahedin. Unlike Mss, Islamic Societies were not unified in their policies or actions as each one of them were under influence and support of different faction of the regime and government. Among them the Manchester organisation was supporting Banisadr and as a result they were more keen to continue their connections with me and introduce me as their representative in our area.

            When I told Aliraza about them; first he didn’t say any thing then, I guess after contacting representative of Mojahedin in London. He told me what ever I have done, was wrong, I shouldn’t attend that demonstration and nor creating any organisation in New castle for supporting those activities. I had to disconnect my self from them immediately. Well I couldn’t agree with Aliraza as I could see clearly how sincere Mojahedin are supporting the Students who were responsible for hostage taking. From Mojahed’s articles one could see how wholeheartedly and one-sided Mojahedin are marching in front of the Embassy, joining ‘hostage takers’ ‘revolutionary fasting’. Asking the government for changing the embassy into a museum of American crimes in Iran, seizing the political and economical relationship with the United States. During those days, every article in Mojahed was about Imperialism and how we can fight against them, even in one article they suggested that we have to abolish the usage of computer as it makes us dependent to the United States and Imperialism in general, be honest with myself this article for me which all the time was working with computer was very hard to swallow. They announced to defend the country against any American aggression, their forces would be under command of the revolutionary guards, those who we were calling them Reactionaries. Hence it was not acceptable for me that policy of us as supporters of Mojahedin abroad should be opposite to our leading organisation inside of the country. From my learning from the Mojahed, I could see noting wrong in whatever I had done and I felt again according to the same teaching, this is my right to ask question and demand some sort of explanation. Aliraza was telling me that about policies of the organisation we don’t ask question, we obey it. And when I refereed him to an article of Mojahed about right of people to ask question and criticise the organisation. He told me that is for ordinary people and not for supporters and members of the organisation. When I told him that I think this is his own position and blamed him as being childish left always criticised by the Mojahedin. He told me it is better I travel to London and talk with representative of Mojahedin there.

Changing into a ‘disciplined supporter’ - having a ‘masoul’

It was my first time in Mojahedin base in London. Their base was a very simple apartment in centre of London. In one room there were few people sitting around a table, translating articles of the papers. They were very friendly and kind. About five o’clock in the evening they announced it is ‘SA’AT PANJIE’ (brake at five o’clock). So every body left the work, then there came some tea and biscuits and some oranges. They start serving themselves and one gave me a plate to serve myself. My first impression from what I could see and feel over there was that this is a home that we call it ‘Towhidi’. Nobody owns anything, all are owner and nobody is the owner. All share what ever exist over there equally. All are brothers and sisters and kind to each other. There is no fight, envy or jealousy, no rivalry or unhealthy competition. Every body knows his or her responsibility and tries to do it as fast and as perfect as possible. All one could see was people with kindness and smile. There was no personal worry and all worry was how to do their job more efficiently and perfectly. In one word for me it was a heaven on earth. Over there I met Hussein, a representative of Mojahedin, my impression was that he is a member of the organisation. He had all the characters I was expected to see in a member of the organisation; polite, dignified, kind, understanding, serious and straight. He was not in rush to answer me, he listened to me with unbelievable patience, and answered my questions calmly and logically. He explained that, I as a sympathiser of the organisation have to follow the line of actions forwarded by the representatives of the organisation, as many things we read in the paper have to be interpreted correctly and not any body has enough knowledge of doing that by himself. Later I found out that according to the interpretation of the organisation, ‘Hostage taking’ after all was not an act of anti-Imperialism but a policy from reactionaries against true revolutionaries and liberal faction of the regime. As I was told this action forced the premier Bazargan to abdicate his post and at the same time disarmed the revolutionaries, especially Mojahedin from their real fight against Imperialism and gave upper hand to reactionaries in different field.

            From then on I was an organisational sympathisers of the Mojahedin, a disciplined one. Instead of interpreting Mojahedin policies through what could be read and found in their paper. I could ask them from my ‘masoul’ (organisational responsible), who was Mohsan studying in Leeds and later I learned he is responsible of the supporters of the organisation in north of Britain.

            At start I had some feeling of rejection toward this title: ‘masoul’. I even preferred to use title of boss or manager as I knew what they mean and where do I have to follow the order of my boss and where I shouldn’t. In my view one could be responsible of things and animals or even children or those who didn’t have mind of their own like mad people but not adult and mature people. Since my adulthood and after my father I didn’t have any masoul. Even as a child I always had mind and will of my own and was not following my father’s order unequivocally. Any way after sometimes I got used to this title and soon usage of it became part of my daily life.

‘Liberals’ or ‘Reactionaries’?

Although in the few first weeks after the victory of the revolution Mojahedin like many other left organisations, including Tudeh party were attacking provisional government and Bazargan himself as those “who are paving the way for return of America” Soon they found out that their main enemies are not those who by then were called as “Liberals”, Bazargan and his government’s members. But ‘Reactionaries’, Mullahs in general who had revolutionary council under their control and all revolutionary comities and revolutionary guards. So when Bazargan government after hostage taking resigned, although some organisation like Tudeh party welcomed it, but it was not the same for Mojahedin. From then on there was another battle and arguments not between them and reactionaries, but between them and some of the revolutionary organisations including Feda’ian who were closest organisation to Mojahedin since their struggle against Shah. As a result most of the times we were involved in this kind of discussions with our fellow Marxist friends.

            The main argument was which faction of the regime should revolutionaries take side with, or support against the other side. In another word, which faction is going to take upper hand in paving the way for American back to our country. Mojahedin believed although reactionaries are less friendly toward Imperialism than Liberals; class wise they are more backward than Shah and certainly Liberals so their opposition against Imperialism is not a progressive one but a regressive one. Their famous example was like this: “If a dog bite a foot of an American agent do you call it anti Imperialism and praise it for that action. Anti Imperialism tendency of reactionaries is like that which should not be praised. “We were arguing that reactionaries are not able to solve twenty-century problems of the people, as a result, eventually they have to get help from Imperialism. So they are ones who will pave the way for Imperialism. Well this was our daily struggle and discussions with supporters of other groups for next few years. As a result any event had to be interpreted in this framework to show we are right. Of course the other side was doing exactly the same thing and was interpreting events some how to prove they are right.

            The main advocate of discussion of ‘Liberals or reactionaries’, was the Tudeh party. Though some Marxist individuals and even parties although historically and even politically were against Tudeh party, still were not able to stand against the party theoretically. First they became confused, then doubtful and eventually found no way except following The Tudeh path in dealing theoretically and materialistically with the issue of “Liberals or Reactionaries” Later the most unfortunate effect of this fact was split in the largest Marxist organisation of Iran, Feda’ian. Following their split eventually we were able to see split in whole front of progressive and left organisations including Marxists and Moslems and Nationalists alike. Some chose to support Reactionaries against Liberals and others opposite side. As a result soon we found new enemies even among our old friends. From now on the hatred that was existed between us and reactionaries was extended to friends and even families. Many of our friends who were followers of Feda’ian after the split of that organisation joined The Majority faction of the organisation, hence changed into stranger and even in some cases a new enemy.

            Hence Tudeh party, with bad history, hated among many people and especially among intellectuals and revolutionaries; an organisation, which joined the revolution just days before its victory when blessing came from Moscow, very few in number, and in our view historically dead. As theoretically, they were more powerful to interpret Marxism in our situation, were able to inflict perhaps the worst stroke among progressive personalities and organisations that somehow were confused how to act in new political scene of Iran.

Line of blood and hatred

Since summer, even before death of ‘PADAR’ Talaghani, one could see a line has been drawn between Mojahedin and Mortajaeen (reactionaries), a line, which soon changed into a red one, line of blood. When there was election of constitutional assembly, Mojahedin in a coalition with four other organisations nominated their own candidates. As later they reviled, they knew perfectly well that reactionaries will not let even single member of that coalition be elected for that assembly. Their objective for participating in that election and other ones was to revile how monopolist reactionaries are. Result of constitutional assembly election was obvious and after death of Talaghani the most progressive member of that assembly the out come of it could not be anything but a regressive constitution. The most outrages decision of that assembly was power given to Khomieni himself under the title of ‘VLAYAT FAGHIEH’ (religious superior guidance), a position above everything and everybody including votes of the people and law of the country. I heard not from Mojahedin but a supporter of Bazargan that this idea even is not Islamic. The concept of religious leadership or Imam is closed in Islam by announcement of Prophet Mohammed as the last prophet and Twelfth Imam of us as the last one. It meant according to genuine believe of Islam all the rights of government comes from the votes of people and only people. I even heard form Mojahedin that Bazargan wanted to abolish the Assembly before their final work on this issue, but Khomieni himself stopped him.

            When in November there was a referendum for approval of the constitution. Mojahedin announced as there are contradiction between Islam they know and the constitution written and approved by the assembly, they are not going to vote. This was when Khomieni himself announced that there is nothing in the written constitution contradictory to Islam. In this way some how Mojahedin confronted Khomieni himself on a religion’s issue, in the view of many this was against calling him Imam and Ayatollah, which meant expert on Islam and the one who everybody at least in religious issues and matters has to follow. As a result from then on reactionaries instead of calling Mojahedin as what they were called meaning worrier of people and faith, they called them Monafaghin. (hypocrites). So from then on many of them referring to interpretation of Khomieni from one of the verses of Quran, were saying Monafaghin are worse than infidels and as Imam Ali killed four thousand of them just in one battle, one day we have to kill all Monafaghin. Both side of this fight were using Islamic terms to define the other side and themselves. When in August eventually Mojahedin had to leave their centre in Mossadeq Ave. Their communiqué referring to this incident was started with the famous sentence of Imam Hussein: “HALL MEN NASAR YANSORNIE” (Is there any body to help me?) so clearly it meant Mojahedin considering themselves as right and as oppressed as Imam Hussein and those who throw them out of their base are like enemies of Imam Hussein, religiously very meaningful.

            Mojahedin soon realised to stand against reactionaries they have to have arms and army. On the other hand the main demand and slogan of reactionaries since victory of the revolution was disarmament of different groups mainly Mojahedin, Once they attacked one of the arm’s storage of Mojahedin and confiscated all their arms over there. Mojahedin were waiting for right time to organise their own army and have good excuse for having arms. This moment came when in reaction to American threat Khomieni asked for creation of a 20 million strong army. Mojahedin welcomed this speech and for the first time they printed the photograph of Khomieni on the top of their paper and printed his word as large as possible. They even printed a book under title of “Four historical messages of Imam “Soon they organised their own militia and after some times they showed their readiness in a parade in the main streets of Tehran and other major cities.

            During those days reactionaries were doing any thing possible against Mojahedin. Near American Embassy there was a tent called ‘CHADOOR VAHDAT’ ( a tent for unity ), obviously what ever was there meant unity against Mojahedin and not America. They were attacking all different bases of Mojahedin, including Mojahedin’s clinic. Kidnapping, beating and even murdering Mojahedin supporters and members were very common. Many fake books, leaflets used to be printed with emblem of Mojahedin and were distributed in different cities. They were claiming that Mojahedin have attacked a bank, or after seizing their centres they claimed they have found opium and sex materials. Every day there was new rumour or gossip against Mojahedin including rumour of split among members of the organisation to undermine them in front of people. Of course the immediate effect of what ever they were doing was to make us more believer of the organisation. On the other hand Mojahedin were using all different means to prove that reactionaries are monopolistic and mercenary of Imperialism. To face reactionary’s actions and revile what they are doing, while Talaghani was alive, Mojahedin used to go to him asking for his help. After his death, they were trying to benefit from tendency of Ahmed Khomieni, Khomieni’s son. With their referral to him and sending different letters to Khomieni, more than any thing else they wanted to show that Khomieni himself is aware of what ever is happening and perhaps many of this events are taking place with his approval. To force Khomieni to come forward and show his real face to people; after death of Talaghani who was Mojahedin’s first candidate for presidency; they nominated Khomieni as their candidate. When Khomieni refused to be candidate and asked no Mullahs should candidate himself. On the first week of January 1980 the Mojahedin nominated Masoud Rajavi for presidency.

            This announcement after some times that we didn’t have any thing to do, created new atmosphere and excitement for us. Again for some time we left our study and tried to do what ever we could to make him the first president of Iran. Different type and sizes of posters with pictures of Rajavi was printed. His biography was written and printed and distributed. We were talking with all Iranian and were persuading them that in Election Day they should vote for him. Perhaps tens of thousand times more than what we were doing, was done by supporters of Mojahedin inside of Iran. We all had found new objective to work for, we could hear about sacrifices of our brothers and sisters in Iran including being beaten and tortured and in the case of ABAS OMANI, killed by the reactionaries. Well compare to the supporters inside of Iran, as we used to call them ‘Militia’, we were very ashamed, for not doing much as there was not enough work for us to do outside of the country. Of course among us there were many who wished to have Mojahedin blessing for attacking members of Islamic societies as a revenge to what ever they were doing in Iran against our young sisters and brothers.

            There were different type of support for candidacy of Rajavi, including the representative of ethnic and religious minorities, many writers and poets. different revolutionary groups, even wife of Talaghani. In a meeting in university of Tehran, which was the first largest meeting of Mojahedin. In front of tens of thousands people Rajavi announced why he has accepted the nomination of the organisation for presidency. He said: “ . . . Imperialists after the victory of the revolution have employed two lines , first to create civil war and second detour the revolutionary forces and suppress them.” “We are joining this election to confront Imperialism and its so-called human rights policies. to confront against reactionaries and comprising policies toward America, to fight against isolation of revolutionary groups, and helping them to flourish.” In the same meeting they announced their program that was more or less like the program that were announced before. He said: “In front of us there are three direction to be chosen. 1- capitalist solution 2- intermediate solutions like Egypt and Somali that eventually will end to the first one. and the third one is the monotheism anti exploitation direction. In our view the first two are rejected and the only real direction exist is the third one.”

            There were many calls and affords from reactionaries to force Rajavi to resign as candidate of presidency, on the bases of not accepting the constitution of the country. Mojahedin resist this argument and promised that if he be elected, he is prepared to work in the framework of the constitution. It didn’t take long till Khomieni himself openly took side with reactionaries and announced those who have not voted in the constitution’s referendum cannot nominate themselves for presidency. As a result Rajavi who was the only candidate with this description resigned. This speech of Khomieni was the last stroke toward us, who had wishful thinking that what ever is happening in Iran is noting to do with Khomieni and as he promised in Paris he is not enveloping himself in every day politics of the country.

            It was very sad day for us. we could see what ever we did was in vain. More importantly sacrifices of ‘militia’ in Iran, all those beatings and tortures were in vain. Now we knew that who is the real leader of the reactionaries. Furthermore we could realise there isn’t going to be any political or peaceful solution to our problem, as reactionaries were not accepting any thing less than total monopoly of power. Some were saying that it was predictable that Rajavi’s candidacy has no happy ending; so was it worthy? Some lost their life, many were injured and beaten and some were arrested. We were looking at this event as a policy, which was failed. Then we received the answer of the organisation; according to that not only it wasn’t a failure or withdraw but a victory. As they were claiming that we have shown the monopolistic face of reactionaries to the people more than ever. And in very private they were saying eventually we forced Khomieni to come forward and show himself.

A family as the first president of Iran

The outcome of the first presidential election apart from being very important for every Iranian especially Mojahedin. As the one who was elected was my cousin Banisadr as the first president of Iran, it hunt and had significant good and bad influence on my future life. An effect and influence, which I couldn’t get rid of it for the whole of my political life.

            His victory was a landslide one, a genuine eleven million vote of voters out of fourteen million. The second person after him was Madani with two million votes. The representative of newly established party of reactionaries, the Islamic Republic Party, couldn’t gain support of even a million of voters. While Mojahedin were claiming that Banisadr has got most of his votes from voters of Mojahedin; some Marxist groups like Tudeh party publicly announced that they were going to support the person nominated by the Islamic Republic Party.

Mss, the new kind of organisation for the supporters

By now the Mss (Moslem students Society-Supporters of PMOI People Mojahedin organisation of Iran ) had substituted the old committee of supporters of Mojahedin established on August 1979 . On February of 1980 it was decided that MSS has to organise its supporters in more advanced and effective form of organisation and materialise Mojahedin’s objectives abroad. As a result when Mohsan masoul (I.e. responsible and representative) of the organisation in north of Britain came to New castle; in a private meeting he announced our new form of organisation and our individual responsibilities. As a result there were four of us in the leading council of the society in North east of England and Scotland. Among us I was considering Mohammed and Ebrahim as close friends of myself since revolution and as a result I didn’t have much difference of Idea with them. Davood was from another city, he was pretending and ‘modestly’ claiming that he is from a labour family and background. According to the new fashion of our politic, unlike Shah’s era, where wealth and education was differentiating people from each other, and whoever who was richer and more educated was more important; now in contrast, whoever, who was poorer and especially from a labour family, was more revolutionary and progressive. In Davood’s view and even in my own view opposite to him, I was from a bourgeois family and background and defender of Liberalism. I was cousin of the president Banisadr, head of the Liberal faction of the regime. I was married and had everything according to the definition of a bourgeois. Education now not only was an advantage but as it meant some have been exploited to pay for our education, it was sign of exploitation; so higher education was symbol of higher exploitation and among them I was the only one in PhD course. My behaviour, talking, logic, human rights views, even politeness and later as I was told unconditional kindness and love for democracy, all were characters of a Liberal bourgeois. I knew all of this disadvantages and on top of them had a new complex myself, complex of not having any kind of political or revolutionary activities in whole my life, complex of not knowing any thing about past history of Mojahedin even knowing names of their martyrs and their songs and anthems which during those days were very important for a sympathiser. As a result in any internal discussions and conflicts to avoid being labelled as liberal, I was as quiet as possible, except were things were contradicting reason of my own presents among Mojahedin sympathisers.

            None of us knew much about Mojahedin’s ideology, especially where it differs from other Moslems and Marxists. For me that democracy, independence and progress were more important than anything else; it was good enough to know Mojahedin are supportive of these three issues, the rest of their believes weren’t so important and I could agree with them according to whatever they say. But when Davood told us that Mojahedin do believe in Proletariat Dictatorship, I wasn’t able to silence my