Summer 1992, as usual, after the yearly demonstration of the twentieth of June, we were asked to return to Baghdad. Unlike previous years, that year’s demonstration didn’t take place in only few major cities, but in 104 cities around the world. Although in many cities only few people organized a standing demonstration. At the end, as usual, we could produce some photos with people waving Iranian flag, standing beside huge portraits of our leaders. These photos mixed with number of ‘104’, were good enough material for our political propaganda for another year to come.

            ‘Article D’, Women superior to men

            Back in Baghdad, another Phase or article of ‘Ideological Revolution’ was waiting for us. After articles ‘A’, ‘B’, and ‘J’, according very Old Persian alphabet, this article was called article ‘D’. Thanks to the number of letters in Persian alphabet, we could be sure up to 32 phase of ideological revolution, we have no problem in finding a name for them. Any way, even after that, as once Masoud said as a joke, “we can start numbering them instead of naming them after letters.” According to this article, we had to realise, understand and ‘ideologically’ accept that women have more revolutionary potential than men. Hence, ideologically, superior to them. We were told, “As women have suffered from ‘double exploitation’ through history, every where around the world. They are like a condensed spring, waiting to be let free, when they are free, they can jump more than men.” Consequently, it was said, “within the organisation, after the ideological revolution, when we stood against ‘ideologies of sexuality and egoism’, women have gained their freedom and as a result have shown their ‘ideological potential’ and jumped to higher positions than men.”

            At the same time there was another explanation for this raise of women within the organisation, which could make more sense than the first one. Through different phase of ‘ideological revolution’, we were told and reminded time after time that: “we have to forget about our feet and walk with Maryam’s feet. Then instead of walking we can fly.” Or “we have to become ‘Zero’ to change into the (ideological) ‘infinity’ of Masoud and Maryam.” To elaborate more usually Masoud was comparing this situation with Einstein Formula E=MC2, saying: “before the ideological revolution, your energy and abilities are like any other human beings, but after the revolution, you are not working according ordinary laws and as ordinary people, but like Einstein formula your energy and your work would be multiplied by the speed of light power two.” What they meant by these sentences or similar ones was that: We have to forget about our personal capabilities and capacities, personal expertise and powers, our individuality and self-confidence, self-sufficiency and self-esteem. And fill the vacuum of all of them by incentives from love for Maryam and Masoud. Following their path and acting according their orders, we didn’t need any of our personal capabilities or expertise. Having their love, we didn’t need any self-esteem or self-confidence. Now we were told, as men have been able to gain a few personal abilities, are used to rely on their own capabilities. So this is very difficult for them to switch from personal esteem to Ideological one. While in case of women, as historically, always they have had nothing from themselves and have been relied and dependent to a man, either one of their relatives or their husbands. It is very easy for them to switch from dependency to a man into ideological dependency to our leader. In another word we, as a man first had to try to become ‘zero’ then rising to infinity, or first we had to forget about our own feet, to be able to walk on ‘Maryam’s feet’. The organisational consequence of this phase was that: from then on, no man could be ideological or organisational masoul of any woman within the organisation. Though in executive work, when having expertise was essential, woman for a short period could tactically be under responsibility of a man. On top of this, it was ruled that every man within the organisation has to have an ‘Ideological woman masoul’.

            I think about the same time they changed the system of ranking in the organisation as well, there was two parallel system of ranking and positions for men and women as there were different rooms for working and different seats for sitting. Ranking for few years prior to this juncture, was not a major issue for the majority of members, as in reality it didn’t mean much, our ranking distance from Masoud and Maryam was like distance of a decimal number from billions, so one up or down couldn’t make much difference. It could be forgotten or change very easily and could not bring any decision making power, or special status or position for any body. So I guess hardly anybody bothered to think or remember this new system. Recently prior to this phase, I was told, my rank has risen to ‘HE’ meant member of executive committee, highest rank available to members by then. While for me reaching to that rank, didn’t mean much and could feel no difference from when, first I was told that I am a member of the organisation. Now in this new phase we were told, as no man can be real masoul of any position within the organisation, we all are deputies of a masoul, who should be a woman. So all of us (men) were ‘M’ stands for ‘MAVEN’ (deputy) of a position. I was told that I am ‘MO’, the highest among ‘M’ s. I never learned what is ‘O’ stands for and never bothered to ask any body. Any way for sometimes we had few different boring games and up and downs in ranking system, which I never understood what were the real purpose of them, and who were the real prey of those attacks and games. Perhaps they had problem with some old members of the organisation, as eventually they gave some concessions to them by introducing new system of ranking for brothers according to the number of years of being with Mojahedin. In one of those phases, we were told anybody whose rank was ‘HE’, from then on is ‘H’. Meant: ‘HAVADAR’ (supporter) of the organisation and not even a member. Some how it was quiet a relief, as we were set free from attending lengthy, boring, useless meetings . . .

            Masoud told the reason for this decision when there was an ideological meeting for brothers with rank of HE. Before saying anything else, he surprised everybody by saying: “I have heard from Dr . . . that your pee has bubble. Strangely according to what I heard from him, our ‘HE’ member’s pee has bubble while our ordinary member’s pee is bubble-less.” Then when he faced strange and puzzled look of members said: “Don’t look at me with surprise, like you don’t know what that means. It means, few years after ‘ideological revolution, still you have not been able to neutralise your sexual desires and still you have ejaculation of semen, which creates bubble in your urine. While as I realised this problem has been solved by the people under your responsibility!!” After his speech as usual few brothers who always were ready to follow his word and elaborate more in backing to whatever he had said already, start talking. One of them went as far as saying that: “We were not ‘HE’ we were ‘HEEE’.” The noise people make for calling or stopping donkeys. Implying that we were not member of the organisation but donkeys, animals without any power to solve their natural needs. By now I could understand what was the purpose of Masoud’s question and what was the consequences of that meeting. For sometimes after that meeting we were rankles, which of course didn’t mean anything, it was as meaning less as having it, life, work, and responsibilities were as before. Only, whenever we were seeing each other, by repeating the same noise ‘HEEE’ we were making joke of our rank, and of course, each time after having pee, we were careful not to leave any bubble behind. Then, after sometimes, we were told of our new rank and new system of ranking. Perhaps by then Masoud had solved his problem with those whom he had problem with.

            After watching almost thirty hours videotapes, I had to stop and think, think and write my own report about whatever I had learned from those tapes. After long trip from America to Jordan and then driving from there to Iraq, sitting for few days watching those tapes, I was having very bad pain in my back and had to have some rest. In a way, pain saved me from being with others for few days. To be alone and think by yourself was some kind of luxury, which rarely one could have within the organisation. Our working, eating and even resting and sleeping always was shared with others. We could not have private thought as we could not have private time or even private feelings. We were sad or happy, when everybody else was so, according to the bad and goods of the political or organisational news of the day. Some how even we were proud of having changed from different individuals into some kind of super organism. Those who were seeing us from outside, as we were calling them, ‘our enemies’ or ‘anti revolutionaries’ or ‘traitors’, simply, were saying that we have been brain-washed and have changed from human beings into different parts of a big machine, for the purpose of our leader to gain power. Though in depth there was no difference between their saying and ours, in shape of saying it, there was huge difference. To understand it, or explain it or perhaps legitimise it, Masoud was using and taking advantage from Old Iranian ‘Sophism’ tradition. According to that tradition, one had to be only in love of his or her guru, to reach to high position in mentality, morality and metaphysic’s power. To love him, one had to forget himself, his personality and his individuality. In one of the stories told by Masoud, when Molavi great Iranian poet and Sufi, knock the door of his guru’s house. His guru, ‘Shams’, asked him, ‘who he is?’ He answered back: “this is me.” in response he heard the same question again. “Who are you?” And he answered back: “this is me, Molavi” After third time repeats of the same question, Molavi in response, answered: “this is your ‘moored’, (disciple, devotee, . . . )” This time Shams opened the door for him and told him: “as long as you were ‘you’, ‘I’, ‘me’, .” You had no place here, but when you forget yourself, then every where you go is your place and is yours.”

            At the same time story of ‘Seyeh-Morgh’ (phoenix), which by now was another nickname for Maryam too, not only was told by Masoud in several meetings but was played beautifully by few of our brothers and exceptionally few sisters too. Each time watching that play, where different birds with different individuality, forgot themselves and changed into one soul and body called Seyeh-Morgh, we were forcing ourselves, to think again and try to lose few old remaining characters or likes and dislikes of ourselves. Once Maryam compared us to bees and ants and how good it is if we were able to learn from them and change into them, like them become united with our leader.

            For day or two I was thinking, without knowing, what do I want to solve or achieve. We had to explain our internal resistance or rejection against the issue of women raised in the article ‘D’ of the Ideological Revolution. But more I was thinking, less I could find any resistance or objection against it. I knew perfectly well, that I can not ask to be considered as especial case, having no problem with that issue, as according to the organisational teachings there exist no especial case, all of us as long as we are men are alike each other. ‘We all have savage male sexuality, an aggressive one which looks at every thing from sexual point.’ Long before joining the organisation, I had read in a book, that Hasan Saba’h, one of our ‘revolutionary leaders’ who had his own cult, and fought against Iranian kings and Mongols, was asking his male disciples to lose their sexuality after joining his cult by physical castration. Now somehow I could feel joining him was much easier, as castration was only one physical operation with one physical pain, and perhaps several hours rest. While in our case, we had to castrate ourselves gradually and mentally, with huge amount of pains, not for several hours or even days but for years.

            As I mentioned, there was no difference between what our enemies were saying about us and what we were doing and saying ourselves except in shape and form. Perhaps this is why, whatever they were saying and writing, about us, while we could see and read them freely, had no effect on us. They were claiming that we have been ‘Brain-washed’. In reality not only we wanted to brain wash ourselves, to forget our past character and memories, but even more, we wanted to change our nature, our being’s incentives and our natural instincts. Our foes were saying, all of these things are for Masoud to gain power. Well we were saying the same thing with different wording. We were calling it ‘right’ of Masoud, and not power for him. And we wanted to claim the right of Masoud to lead Iranian people and perhaps more the whole humanity. Maryam put this claim in wording in her speech for remembering the ‘Ashorra of Imam Hussein’, on July 1992. She said: “… When the highest and most important right, right of leadership of the capable one (Masoud) was denied, then we could see how easily unlimited rights of ordinary Iranian people had been denied too.” So in our view, fight for ‘Right of Masoud’, was the first and the last step in our fight for the rights of not only Iranian people, but, all oppressed people of the world every where.

            Death penalty for a ‘Borida’

            Apart from thinking and writing report of my own personal feelings and thought about the issue of article ‘D’, I had to take position about another issue as well. That was issue of ‘Borida-ha’. ‘Borida’ and its plural, ‘Borida-ha’, which in Mojahedin vocabulary, had all the meanings of, ‘surrender’, ‘failure’, ‘fatigue’, ‘loser’, . . . was a person, who for different reason had reached to the point, not being able to work with Mojahedin any more, asking or wanting to leave the organisation.

            Few years back, perhaps up to ‘Forogh’ operation this was not an issue of concern; not at least outside of Iran. It was a term mostly used inside of prisons, when one could not suffer any more torture and was surrounding to his or her torturer, repenting even openly in a Television broadcast. We never used to blame those people, as we knew how harsh and severe tortures in prison were. Hence many of them after being freed from prison were very welcomed back in the organisation or even having ordinary life. In ideological revolution we were told and learned that all resisted prisoners were killed, so whoever who was alive according to the organisation’s terminology was a Borida.

            Out side of the country our slogan for new recruits was: “our exit doors are wide open while our entrance doors are shut and hardly could be opened.” We were repeating this slogan in different form as recent as the same summer that we were asked to take position against them. In the same speech in the ceremony for Imam Hussein’s martyrdom, Maryam said: “Masoud more than any body else knows, when things get more difficult and we find more problem, weather becomes darker and to find our way becomes harder, to carry on his resistance, he needs followers who could follow him more seriously, with more stamina, and endurance. This is why he needs people who could forget about everything, who could clean themselves from all ordinary needs . . . This is why times after times in different juncture of our struggle, inspired by Imam Hussein, Masoud turns off the lights so whoever wants to leave, could do so without feeling any shame. … “With this believe and attitude any body joining the organisation or army, especially as it was defined by Masoud himself, was believing and expecting that they are going to be with the Mojahedin with free will, for as long as they want and they can carry on. We always were having very good and friendly relation with those who were leaving us, so they could remain among our supporters and could support us in any way they wished and they could. Hence nobody could feel braking from the organisation and leaving it could be difficult and with problem. Perhaps after the start of new phase of Ideological revolution in 1989-1990, when the issue of divorce was brought up, we could see more ill feeling towards those who wanted to leave us, especially old members.

            In many cases those who wanted to leave the organisation, they were separated from others and even had to live in different buildings not wearing army uniform and not mixing with others, some how one could say they were in prison. Though almost all of them were not showing any opposition toward the organisation, still as they could not bear living in that situation segregated from others without any responsibility were preferring to go to the refugee camps in Iraq. Some of them after reaching Europe claimed that they have been beaten while they were in Iraq in our bases or had very bad living conditions. Some even claimed that they have been tortured. Though I cannot reject the possibility of beating in any of those cases as I could see angry faces of some of our people when they were facing an insult toward our leader, hardly I can believe it as torture and ordered from the top. Once I was asked by Masoud to go and see the representative of UNHCR (United Nations High commissioner for the Refugees) in Iraq, as he had asked to see one of our officials. By then there were two Iranian refugee camps in Iraq under supervision of UNHCR office. One in Helleh, and another in Ramadii, Most of the Iranian Kurdish refugees were living in Ramadii camp and rarely any body from Revolutionary groups or supporters of monarchy were in Ramadii, they were situated in Helleh. The representative’s main complain was about old members of Mojahedin who were pushing him to find them another refuge country. He told me about bad living conditions in that camp and said, they have done their best, but simply there are not enough resources to arrange better life for them. He said once even he heard that people there have had dog’s meat to save themselves from hunger. He said: “we have limited resources for finding countries in Europe to accept these people as refugees, and among them we have to give priority to those who had have political and not military background, as many countries are hesitant to accept people who have been in arm struggle like your old members.” So he was asking us to take responsibility for sending our old members to Europe. When I was living his office, somebody, who called my name in Farsi, called me. He introduced himself as an old member of Mojahedin, and said he has left the organisation, as he couldn’t go through the revolution. He said: “I love Masoud very much, for him I fought and for him I am losing my eyesight, but I can not understand this revolution and could not live in the organisation without any responsibility. So I asked to leave, but please tell Masoud, I love him and I am prepared to work for him any where.” He told me the same story about the situation in Helleh, but said situation of Mojahedin’s old members there is better than others, they are the only ones who are not living in tents and have a building there. A week later after I gave my report to Masoud, I was called by him to take few lorries of goods to the camp for helping people living there. UNHCR and Red Cross didn’t accept to distribute does goods because of its political outcome. They told me they are not permitted to accept goods from organisations as it might embarrass governments. Hence I had to take those goods to the camp and distribute it ourselves. Over there I found as I was told, the situation of our boys was much better than others, they had their house, which was more or less like other bases of us, with pictures of Masoud and Maryam in any room. I heard from people there that they are very keen to return to the organisation but they can’t. Apparently according to a deal with Iraqis anybody leaving Mojahedin’s camp, could not return to Mojahedin again, and had to go abroad and return back for joining. I never found out if this argument was true or false and was another excuse from Mojahedin not accepting them. Later after the Gulf war I heard this camp was destroyed and all refugees were moved to Ramadii, also I heard the number of people leaving us as a result of the Ideological revolution and the war increased sharply and situation of our boys there got worse than before. Many who were there for long had lost their status as refugee in their original country, and had no Passport, so sending them abroad was very difficult, though later many of them by using other’s passports were sent to Europe, but majority had to stay for long in those camps in very harsh situation. I am sure for high-ranking and old members, organisation was not prepared easily, to let them go. But for simple members or supporters and combatants, I don’t think the organisation had any objection they leave, as matter of fact many of them who were not able to have ideological revolution were not welcomed in any department and the organisation wanted to get rid of them somehow.

            After Gulf war, when many of our new recruits from old Iran-Iraq war’s POWs with the help of red cross left us back to Iran, and some old members wanted to leave and return back to Europe, the organisation start showing some disgust and outrage towards them. First by not helping them to return to Europe, then perhaps as it was mentioned and claimed by some of those who left the organisation, with some show of physical reaction towards them. From then on though still we were repeating our old slogans in our public meetings and as a superficial gesture, Masoud was asking people who want to leave to do so. But we knew perfectly well, that our slogan had been reversed for good, entering into the organisation was easier than ever, while leaving, especially for high ranking members while they were in Iraq almost impossible.

            During ideological revolution two words were most insulting and outrageous than any, ‘ordinary’ and ‘Borida’. As we were considering ourselves as the most revolutionary, sophisticated, evolutionary, and purest human beings, being ordinary, like ordinary people was changed into worst insulting words, somehow it meant, we still were demanding to have pleasures and ‘dirty needs’ of ordinary people. To understand it, perhaps it was equal to saying animal or savage to an ordinary man. We were saying changing into an ordinary man or woman, is a step before being a Borida, as those needs will force us to leave the organisation. Borida had an ideological meaning too; we were calling them ‘Kuffei’, (i.e. from people of Kofee, one of the Iraq’s cities. People of Kofee during Imam Hussein’s time asked him to rise and promised to help him against the ruler of the time, but they left him alone to be killed with 72 of his relatives and families). So, it meant that we have forgotten our oath with our leader, betraying him or breaking that famous sentence of Masoud: “don’t sell me, don’t kill me.”

            In one of the meetings, which I saw its videotape; when there was a discussion about ‘Borida-ha’. Our masouls in Europe were giving their report about their activities against us and how bad they are trying to change Mojahedin’s image among Iranian and even foreigners. In almost all Iranian media out side and inside of the country there were testimonies of them against the organisation, many of them were claiming that they have been tortured and put in prison by the organisation and even some of them tried to complain against Mojahedin to International organisations. There was revelation by them, about the Ideological revolution and divorces among couples, separation of children from their parents . . . By then not only we were not looking at them as our old comrades, but most of us were hesitant to talk to them or even look at them. Although all our belongings, in entering or leaving bases in Iraq were going to be checked and searched, I am sure theirs were searched with more fuss and obsession. Before leaving, the organisation was collecting many letters from them to print if they were going to say anything against Mojahedin. Well of course no body was short of those kinds of letters as each one of us to save ourselves from misery of different stages of the ideological revolution had written thousands of pages of false or true revelation about ourselves. The organisation was calling those who was criticising it as mercenary of the regime. Once one of my old friends who was among those left the organisation had interview with Persian broadcast of BBC radio, there was very strong statement against him by the organisation, which I could not be agree with that as I knew the boy and could not believe him as spy of the regime. When I was talking to my masoul I told him “I don’t think what we have said is true. She didn’t argue with me and said, “it shows how naive you are in judging people.” Later I learned how badly he was treated in London by some of our supporters and members there.

            True or false, about imprisonment, torture and ill health in those camps and in our bases. I never could accept them as long as I was with Mojahedin. More than any thing because of quick reaction of Masoud to my report and his aid to those people. He asked the finance section of the organisation to give monthly income to those from Mojahedin who were in refugee camps; equal to the amount they were receiving from UNHCR and Iraqi government. So they were twice better off than others. At that juncture we helped most of them to go abroad, and I heard the chap who talked to me got especial treatment for having operation in Sweden.

            Any way, in the same meeting after report of one of our masouls, suddenly one of the sisters cried that, they are traitors and had to be executed instead of being set free to go to Europe and work against the organisation. Immediately after her, there were sisters after sisters who gave the same speech. Then as usual, it was Brothers turn to wake up and realise what is going on; few of them asked for permission to talk and repeat whatever sisters said already. But against all expectation, when one of the sisters named Zari who was from Britain asked for permission to talk, instead of backing other sisters and whatever was said by them, rejected the idea and reminded every body about our old slogans. (i.e. ‘entrance doors to the organisation are closed and the exit doors are wide open’). She was in the middle of her speech, which first noise of murmuring among people and then uproar of sisters who impatiently were interrupting her, stopped her from talking. By now one of the sisters called her an ‘ordinary woman’, then another one correct her by saying: “No she is not ordinary, she is Borida! This is why she is defending them.” Then another sister cried, she should be thrown out of the meeting. By now as usual it was Masoud’s turn to rise as an angel of mercy and compassion, to show his kindness and understanding. He silenced every body and asked them to let her to finish her speech, while already she had sat down in tears. Masoud following Zari’s words said: “I think she is right, we cannot execute every body who wants to leave us, I believe we have to give him or her all the facilities, money, everything to go wherever they wish to, . . . ” He could not finish his words or didn’t want to do so as he was interrupted by few sisters, One of them a very high ranking one, said: “You from your position of compassion and merciful have every rights to dictate every thing you think is right and we are sure that you never let us to do things we feel are right against those traitors. But we have to have our position against them. If we do not sharpen our boundaries with them by condemning them, as we should, then we always have our own bridges to the past and ordinary life, which could end us among them too. This is why I think all Mojahedin have to clear their positions about this issue.” Silence of every body after her speech meant that this was what was going to be after that meeting. So as a result every body had to write a report and clear his or her position about that issue.

            Self doubts

            While I was watching that videotape, when I heard Zari’s speech. For few minutes I envy her courage, I never could find the same courage in myself, to stand up against thousands of people and say things, which one could be sure nobody is going to like them. To defend people who were the most hated ones. I could not admire her for more than few seconds in my mind, as during those days we were not calling her action as ‘courage’, but ‘not having boundaries with the past and people outside of the organisation.’ I knew perfectly well, that, this feeling of mine, this admiration, is inspired from my own weakness, from my liberal tendencies and lack of power to hate enemies of our beloved leader. For long I knew, a revolutionary must hate as much as love. We had to hate enemies of our leaders, calling them enemies of our people, and humanity. But being able to hate was not one of my virtues and I knew it perfectly well, and always I was ashamed of it. I had every reason to hate those people, not only as I was a member of the organisation, but even personally, as I had to answer many questions of Iranian and even politician, as a result of their activities against us. During previous, past few years, they had inflicted more damage on Mojahedin, than all the activities of all ‘anti-revolutionaries’ since the revolution in 1979. Even once I was handed a letter by the Administrative Aid of one of the most supportive members of the congress. The letter was from one of them, who believed we have imprisoned her husband and were not letting him to join her. In this case she was wrong and we had to try hard to persuade her husband to call her back and save us from that problem. Though later he asked to leave the organisation and joined her in America.

            By then I was told repeatedly that love and hate are two sides of the same coin, one cannot love others, without hating their enemies, and cannot hate without love. When I was alone with myself, I could see, deep down, I even don’t hate the revolutionary guards. I think I was able to stand against them and fight against them, but I was not sure that I was able to kill any of them. Deeper I was thinking, more problem I was facing. By then I had real problem with myself. I doubted my hate against others, the most hated ones and with the law, which I mentioned, I doubted my love for others. After all there exist no coin with only one side! I was questioning my love for Maryam, deeper for our people, and deeper for humanity and justice?! Did I love them with whole of my heart?! If yes, why couldn’t I hate their enemies?! If no what was I doing there?! What was I doing during past fifteen years?! Why did I leave everything, including my dearest, my family?! Did I sacrifice anything?! If yes, for whom?! If no, then what was the meaning of sacrifice? Did I love only myself?! Then why I was putting myself in that amount of suffering?! By then every thing in my mind and my heart was under the question mark. I wrote a report about myself mentioning all this questions and asking for help from my masoul. She called me, and told me that it was good that I was honest with myself and criticised myself, but there are certain things, which I have no right to put them under the question mark, those things which have said by our leaders and have been approved by them. She told me: “You are a member of Mojahedin and this membership has ideological meaning. Our leader has approved it and you cannot question it. Masoud has approved your ideological revolution and you have no right to put it under the question mark. Yes you have your weaknesses, your liberal tendencies, you have not destroyed all your bridges with your past and this is why you feel sympathy towards Borida-ha. Your responsibility is to find these bridges and destroy them. That is all you have to do nothing less nothing more.” She asked me to forget about that issue for times being and sticks to the issue of article ‘D’ and search for my problem there.

            For another few days I thought and thought, I could not see any problem with that article. During my life within the organisation, most of the times my masouls were women, many of them were very hard with me, including sister Tahereh, sometimes they judged me wrongly and even insulted and punished me wrongly, but I didn’t find any feeling against them, not only I didn’t dislike them, but I was sure that I liked them very much and I was proud of one by one of them. As matter of fact the only masoul, which I could not approve him and didn’t like him as much as others, was not a woman but a man. Mohadessin, the most capable one, very kind and gentle. He was the only masoul of mine, which not only never criticised or teased or insulted me, but surely he was more worried about my health than myself. Many times in meetings, while he was deep in the discussions, suddenly used to stop and ask me about my back and forcing me to go and have a rest. But against all his kindnesses, he was the only masoul, which I could not accept him as my masoul as I was not able to accept that he cares enough for the organisation. By then mistakenly I was judging him according to our policy in diplomacy; I could see that our diplomacy has no root at all and is only a superficial one, is like an empty drum, with big noise. My disagreement with him was not only restricted to our policy in America. In ‘international organisations’ section too, I had many problems not yet resolved, I could see whatever I did there and before me was done by others, mostly by Dr. was going to be destroyed, and it seemed nobody cared about them. I wrote many report about, what were we losing there, eventually once Fahieme’a, Maryam’s deputy, called me. In response she accused me of having especial love for international organisations as I have worked hard there personally and have some feeling for my own personal achievements and not the organisation one. I accepted whatever she said as there was some truth in them, but not completely as I could see that I care as much as my own achievements, for achievements of others too. I think the only masoul whom I criticised was Mohadessin; I wrote many reports about him and our foreign policy, accusing him for changing our diplomacy into sham and superficial one. Eventually once Badrie, one of the high-ranking masouls, who by then was masoul of Mohadessin and I both, called me. She told me very openly that I have no right to write any more report against Mohadessin. By then I felt that she took my criticisms as personal one, as it was very common, while I didn’t have any personal hard feeling for Mohadessin at all. If I was more clever, I could realise that organisation doesn’t care at all about personal relation among us, and on the contrary wants to destroy it completely, and even was trying to create some kind of dislike and personal hate as in this way, they could neutralise any kind of division within the organisation from its roots. So their anger was about my views toward our diplomacy and not Mohadessin, who was only following Masoud’s orders. Perhaps this was the reason why he was favourite of Masoud in directing our diplomacy, he had nothing for himself and was following Masoud’s order with no question or hesitation.

            Another order for divorce

            Few days more I thought about new article of the ideological revolution, but I couldn’t produce anything substantial to write against myself. Eventually I found no way out of it, except to reproduce some of my old stories about myself and repeat of whatever I had said in my reports during different past stages of the revolution, with hope that they be new for my new masoul to persuade her that I have gone deeper inside of my mind and have explored new things about myself. I was right, but it seemed I went a bite further than what was needed, as my report went straight into Masoud’s hand and he asked to see me.

            It was about five or six o’clock in the evening, he was alone and was having his lunch, usually he was working up to mid day and then he had his daily sleep between noon and five or six in the afternoon, and after that, he was seeing people and working, till next day noon time. He asked me if I have had my lunch? He didn’t wait for my response, smiled and said: “OOH I forgot, you are among normal people and are having your lunch, when I am having my tea before my bed time!” Then again before letting me to say anything said: “What are these rubbish you have written in your report?! Do you know what is your problem?” I said, “well I have no problem against sisters to be my masoul, while according to the revolution I know I cannot be an especial case and as others I have to have problem too. So I think perhaps something is wrong with me, which I cannot be as oppose to them as others.” He interrupted me and said: “Rubbish! You are not against any body because you are yoghurt. You are unable to oppose anybody, because you are liberal. You want to love everybody and be loved by everybody. But this is not your problem; your real problem is Anna. You have not divorced her permanently, still you are hopping to return to her in the future.” Hardly I could hide my smile, I didn’t know why, but somehow I couldn’t agree with him more. So I start nodding as an agreement sign. He laughed loudly and said: “So if you know what is your problem, why are you playing with us and with your poor masoul?!” Then he asked me about my present marital situation? I told him: “Well we have not officially divorced, but I presume she knows everything about the ideological revolution.” Masoud said: “OK good, you know we could not agree with your divorce, because of political reason, which by now as every body knows about divorces inside of the organisation and we have not denied it, this problem has been resolved. So there is no more any obstacle in your divorce. But you have to give this right to us to announce it to Anna, whenever we feel is fit to do so. So you should write your letter to her, asking for divorce, give this letter to your masoul, and forget about her.”

            That meeting was finished with smile of both side. Masoud was right, against rule of Ideological revolution for divorcing our spouses permanently and ideologically, deep down in my heart, still I was in love of my wife and was hopping after the revolution and return to Iran we could have our happy shared life back. But at the same time I could see no end in our struggle, and no near future victory. I could imagine how miserable Anna’s life is with having many doubts and unanswered questions about our marriage. So I was more than happy to announce my divorce to her. In this way I could save her from that misery and see my children as in the situation we were in, I had to have not contact with either of them. So I wrote my report and my letter to Anna explaining things to her and gave them to my masoul. Well that letter never was handed to her and my situation didn’t change a bite.

            NLA, elite forces

            While I was in Iraq, as we had heard many stories about new elites of NLA, responsible for guerrilla operations inside of Iran, we asked to see them in training, so few of us from political section were permitted to stay with them for day or two. They were going through very hard and difficult training mentally and physically. For example they had to live for days in the desert and marshlands, without any supply of food or drink. So they had to find any kind of water available there and drink it. For several days instead of having proper meal, they had to eat frogs or whatever animals or insects they could find there. For hours they had to stand without slightest movement, under a lamp and suffer from attack of all different insects and flies without showing any movement. … The night when we were there, their commander told us that they are going to have night rid against them to see their reaction. He said: “We have told them that a guerrilla had to sleep with only one eye, the other one has to be always awake expecting anything. They have to be prepared for anything, and tonight you are going to see what they are going through.” In the middle of the night as he told us, the night raid against them start. Few of their commanders attacked them with different weapon. Few with first sign of movements woke up preparing themselves for reaction, but all the same, they had to suffer from the same consequences waiting for the last person waking up. In few minutes all of them were up, prepared for action. Their action included running bare footed among stones and brambles, crawling among mud in marsh lands, moving from one place to another by walking with their hands instead of their feet, or by rolling on the ground. With one sign they had to climb from any tree or lamppost close to them and had to stay there for as long as their commanders wanted. Their training was not only physical, while by now even us as audience of their actions were completely out of breath, it included mental ones as well. For example their commander told them to go and bring the largest stone they can find, he said: “the last person and the one with the smallest will be punished.” When they returned on the contrary to what he was told them, he excluded the last person and the one with the smallest stone and punished the rest by asking them to have fifty push ups. He explained to us that, they have to learn not to expect logical things in their work and prepare themselves for anything, as illogical as that. In another case he asked one of them to take one leaf from the tree opposite to them and take it to him. The one who was asked did what he was asked to do. But again every body else, except him was punished for his wrongdoing as he didn’t take that especial leaf from that especial tree and just took the first available leaf. He said they have to learn that they will suffer mostly, not because of their own wrong doings in the action but for wrong doings of others. Though we were really tired and frustrated. It seemed they were very fresh and ready for all different actions; they were singing all the way, different heroic songs of the organisation and ones made by themselves, many completely new for us. Each time after any song they were repeating some slogans mostly about Maryam like: “Maryam the shinning sun, we will take her to Tehran.” Or “With Masoud, with Maryam, we will fight till the end” … Each time they were asked by their commanders if they are tired or want to go back to the camp, their answer was: “Steel, Steel.” Well this was new slogan of the organisation, not only for them but also for everybody. The organisation wanted to have members of special mould, members of steel, hard, inflexible, with cold reasoning rather than warm idealism, so especially in the army, discipline was more strict than ever, To become members of the elite group, and steel hardened cadre become the aim of every body in the army.

            After all whoever was there, was there for a reason, that reason was to fight against the regime and for freedom of our country, while for several years, since 1988, we didn’t have any offensive operations and there was no outlook of any in near future. Though to make our boys busy, and have some propaganda materials for our television and papers and our political activities, every now and then we had different manoeuvres under very grandiloquent names, always called ‘the largest and the last manoeuvre before the final operation’, they hardly could substitute the needs and enthusiasm of our boys for real action. And produce the excitement and satisfaction of a real one. I presume there was another reason for joining elite group as well, as at start of it, it was only for men, and even later while women were going through the same training, but still it was mostly men’s job and they were segregated from women. Many men, especially some of old members, while they could not express it, but obviously they were not happy with new administration of army and having women as their commanders in all different ranks, with or without having necessary expertise and abilities.

            It was almost two or three years since the start of new classical training of our army personal. It started by rejection and denial of our old system of fighting and training, mostly based on our old commanders experiences from Shah’s time. Perhaps things they learned in Palestinian camps in sixties and seventies. We saw the failure of those methods during ‘Forogh’ operation, when many combatants preferred to leave their tanks and fight in guerrilla manner. Almost after the second stage of ‘ideological revolution’ all of our old commanders were retired from their responsibilities and many of them were moved to executive and political sections. In one of the meeting Maryam told them that they have to forget every thing they know from the past and learn every thing from scratch. Then there was establishment of a ‘university of army’, where Iraqi educator and trainer were teaching them about materials of classic army and classical fight, Iraqi instructors were showing them how to use different armament given to them. We heard from Maryam that our women are much faster in learning, she argued it is because of the ideological revolution and also because they have nothing from the past and can learn every thing freshly, while our men first have to forget whatever they know already, especially things which for years they were very proud of them, and accept that they know nothing and have to learn like a child from the start. Hence, gradually all our commanders were changed from men to women, especially after article ‘D’ of the Ideological revolution; even junior commanders were changed into women. As I learned later, organisation had very rough time with many combatants in accepting women as their commanders, especially where they were not capable of doing their responsibility, and had those positions as what Maryam said later, as ‘Positive discrimination’.

            An unjustifiable demand, and a ‘terrorist act’

            Few months later we heard about the major action of these elite group, when three bombs were exploded in the tomb of Khomieni. There was jubilation everywhere in the organisation. Previously in one of the meeting Masoud asked combatants: “When you reach Tehran, do not forget to destroy Khomieni’s tomb, though be careful to take its gold first as they belong to the people, then ruin it totally so after that nobody dare to make shrine for himself like our Imams.” I never could agree with him, not because of approving the amount of expense for building that shrine, which I believed was not right even from the regime point of view, as they were claiming that they are symbol of Islamic values and Islamic modesty. According to the Islamic values, we are ordered not even have gravestone higher than the ground level. My objection was against destruction of a graveyard of anybody, good or bad, angel or devil. As I hated action of new regime when they destroyed tomb of Reza Shah. After all, with destroying Khomieni’s tomb, in revenge of what he did, how could we condemn, the destruction of gravestones of founders and members of Mojahedin in Iran by Heazbollahies? With the same excuse we could start destroying all tombs of pervious kings of Iran, where many of them if not more but were as brutal as Khomieni. With this logic, soon we could destroy all our ancient and historical buildings of Iran. An action that for sometimes we were accusing regime for doing that. Any way, after that explosions there was message of Masoud, who congratulated every body and said: “… As usual Mojahedin accomplished their oath and promises to God and people, . . . This is our answer to massacre of political prisoners and their recent attack to Ashraf base, (the main NLA base in Iraq) . . .” Well after that for few weeks our papers and our news were full of congratulations by different people around us. After that every now and then there was more news of their actions, by then under the name of our recent martyrs. Those actions were including destruction of many military bases and military machinery, killing of revolutionary guards and those who simply were called mercenaries of the regime, which could include any body. On top of them, for the first time they included economical targets like, explosion of oil refineries, oil wells, and oil pipe lines. After any such operation we were witnessing revenge actions of the regime in the shape of attacking our bases in Iraq or their Terrorist activities against our members in Europe and especially Turkey. Among them assassination of Naghdii, the NCR’s representative in Italy. After assassination of each one of them we had an operation named after them. I have to say how just or unjust were these actions in revenge of the Regime’s activities, or vice versa, their losers were our people loosing their wealth and freedom at the same time. The winners were Hard line faction of the regime and perhaps our own propaganda machine, which could benefit equally from our own actions and the regime’s one. Even us, in Political section were certainly among losers, as many times had to answer accusations of having terrorist policies and terrorist activities. Few months later when State department of US answered back to the letter of one of our supporters in the Congress, for their oppositions against us they argued like this: “ . . . Just as we vigorously oppose the Iranian government’s support for terrorism, we cannot in turn condone the continuing use of terror by the Mojahedin or any opposition group. Recent Mojahedin violence has included simultaneous attacks on thirteen Iranian diplomatic missions around the world in April 1992, including the Iranian UN mission in New York. In October 1992, the Mojahedin claimed to have exploded a bomb at Khomieni’s mausoleum, which is visited by hundreds of civilians each day. As recently as March 1994, the Mojahedin continued to claim responsibility for bomb blasts in the streets of Iranian towns. These activities are supported by the Mojahedin’s military wing, the National Liberation Army (NLA) . . . “

            Apart from questions which we were facing in our daily political activities, there were many Iranian and even some of our own supporters who could not approve our actions and were questioning us. Hence I can strongly say, by those actions not only we were not going to be closer to overthrow of the regime, but also certainly we were distancing from it. Perhaps the only advantage of those actions in this respect was the postponement of any chance of moderation within the Iranian regime, which could seriously jeopardise our own victory. After all it was for some times that our main objective was not democracy in Iran any more, but as Maryam said: “was to administrate the right of Masoud for leading people. … “

            Spies among us

            Despite the fact that many of our supporters and even some of our members were thinking that these operations are done by our members within the country, Iranian regime knew from the beginning, about the elite section of the army and even some of their operations which were going to take place. As matter of fact, while our masouls were saying and believing that only very committed members can go through hardship of training of the group, the regime’s spies could infiltrate into the group, right from the start. We learned about their infiltration, after first few operation, when one of the members of the elite group, while they were inside of Iran for the operation killed five or six members of the group. Despite the fact that, His interview with one of the regime’s weekly papers published inside and outside of the country, as it was very embarrassing to have spies among ourselves we didn’t say anything about it. Only six years later, the organisation openly reviled about this fact in its media along stories of other infiltration of the regime in army and in the organisation everywhere.

            Though it was becoming as a habit for the organisation, to call almost all of its previous members who were showing some kind of opposition towards them as ‘the regime’s agents’ and ‘members of secret police’ of Iran, the real agents could live among us happily without any problem. I have to admit that Iranian regime was more successful in infiltrating into the organisation than Mojahedin into the regime. While we were benefiting a lot from disagreements and perhaps animosity existed between different factions of the regime against each other for obtaining our so called intelligent news through calling them under disguise, Iranian regime had a very sophisticated methods and training for infiltrating into the organisation and finding first handed information. Just by ‘admiring our leadership’, as much as they could and perhaps some drop of tears to show how much they have moved by the message of Maryam and story of Ideological revolution.

            I think first time when we learned about spies of the regime within the organisation was when one of them named Tabandeh, an NLA combatant claimed or admit that he has been one of the most cruel torturer of the regime, trained and send by the intelligence of the regime to infiltrate into the NLA for espionage and perhaps sabotage. It was during second phase of the Ideological revolution. I presume he was taken by one of the Maryam’s messages that how merciful is the leadership and how much God and as his representative Masoud loves the sinners. Later his confessions was published in one hundred pages book, including revelation of many different methods of torture used in Iranian jails by he himself. What was his real intention by his confessions to those horrible things? I never found out! Was he a fool?! Thinking that he can rise to higher position by admitting to those horrible actions? As some members in the general meetings could gain admiration of everybody including the leadership by saying awful things about their past as they were sign of magic of the ideological revolution. Well after his confessions every body admired more than before the leadership and magic of their ideological revolution, but it didn’t bring any higher position for him. I never found out what happened to him, few times we asked representatives of different humanitarian organisations to come to Iraq to have interview with him, none of them did, so I presume after obtaining all his information he was handed to Iraqi police as spy of the regime.

            Though his confessions were very horrible and unbelievable, not as much as next one who came open by admitting of being spy of the regime and an old torturer. By then I was the representative of the organisation in human rights and international organisations. His confessions were handed to me to decide about them, if they are worthy of publishing or not. For several weeks I was trying hard to read them, but each time after reading few pages, I was not able to continue any more. I was not even able to imagine those tortures to be inflicted against most hated insects and beasts. Sexual tortures like penetrating a broken bottle or bottle of acid into female vagina or male anus. So there was no way I could think about them or decide what to do about them.

             During my work in International Organisations section, I met many old prisoners, I had interview with all of them to see if they are fit for having a meeting with human rights organisation’s representatives or attending international organisations meetings. Although some times I had disagreement with Dr. who could not accept some of those testimonies as a genuine one, I could accept majority of them as fact and could take them to different meetings and was arranging different interviews for them. I was told by many of them that most effective torture in Iranian jails is sexual ones. Rape was very common and most of those interviewed by us were raped in the prison not once but several times by different people. It seemed even those who were very strong in resisting against different tortures were not strong enough in accepting to be raped, hence could brake easily after first few times of being raped. Once they were two young boys along few sisters who came to Geneva for having interview with Mr. Galindo Pohl, United Nations representative. They both were raped, they told me about their horrible stories, both were among the finest people whom I knew by then and both were killed in ‘Forogh operation’. When we took them to see Mr. Galindo Pohl, we noticed that Dr. who was translating their testimony because of their horror was hesitant to translate everything they were saying. Suddenly I saw one of those boys asked me for pen and paper and in no time he start drawing their stories. So while others were telling their experiences, he was drawing them and when they were finished, he could hand over his drawing to the representative. He was fine artist, but it was impossible to draw those things just by imagination. None of us, including the representative and his aids, could not hold ourselves in that meeting from crying.

            So I can say, I was quite familiar with different methods of tortures used by the regime, but still testimonies of this new confessed torturer, which was all about different sexual tortures, was unbelievable for me. I have to mention that by then I had some experience with some members who gave false testimonies as well. I received names and particulars of few people who later we found them alive, even among our own army personal. So I rejected that testimony and found it unacceptable for any body as genuine confessions. Well later when I was not in that section any more I found them published and handed over to the humanitarian organisations by the Mojahedin. I never learned about name of that torturer, I heard he confessed to us, while he was in Turkey. So I think perhaps it was one of the regime’s tricks. To discredit our revelations about Iranian prisons and tortures, as by then they knew perfectly well that we are welcoming any revelation against brutality of the regime however unacceptable and unimaginable.

            “We can and we must”, women’s rule

            Back to America I could face, learn and understand the real meaning of the article ‘D’ and different problems came with that. To prove women are not only able to do every thing which men could do, but are more capable and perfect in their doings, not only by then our ‘ideological and organisational masoul’ were women but our executive masouls changed into women too. I think rarely we could find any body among ourselves, to have doubt or question, about this argument, even deep down in their heart. But we had to recognise the gap existed between their natural potential and the situation they were in at that historical juncture. A gap which again many of us could understand, had to be filled in some extend by positive discrimination. But not all of it as, firstly it was impossible; secondly it was not our prime objective. After all, still our fundamental objective was overthrow of the regime, and not establishment of Monotheistic society!! Any way, when our leader wanted something, that was the end of any argument. After all, our main slogan, which had to be repeated, facing any impossible job, was ‘We Can and We Must’.

            Most of our sisters joined the organisation when they were less than fifteen years old, some even less than ten years old. Hence not only they didn’t have chance of having university or even secondary education, but they didn’t have experience of a normal life and its up and downs either. Facing us as male members, they didn’t have much problem as we had to accept their orders, even if they were illogical or unreasonable, as after all it was accepted and recognised that most of our logic and reasoning are our inheritance from our old way of life and class orientation, which had to be denied. But the reality existed in the real world; outside of our organisational castle was much harder, rougher and ticker than one, which could be break easily by our idealistic slogans and wishful thinking of our leader. How ever knife of reasoning of our sisters, mainly, the repeat of our leader’s sayings, in cutting our logic, understanding and advises was sharp, to face world of reality, they were dull and useless.

            Apart from the mentioned handicaps our women masouls in facing outside world, especially in dealing with non Iranian, or in politics they had; they were women and in real world not only they could not enjoy superiority status they had over men inside of the organisation, but even it was very hard for them to have equality with men. After all in reality, though in the western world, women’s status, was not comparable to their situation in Iran, and some of them, with enough talent, education or look and wealth could rise to higher positions, still one has to admit that the dominant culture is the male one. Hence women have to work much harder to achieve the same thing as men.

            By now our responsibility was to pass our knowledge and experiences to them as quickly as possible to prepare them for the real actions. In doing that there were certain problems. We as men had lost all our credence, acceptance and trust in their mind. More ideological they were, less faith they had in us. So it was very difficult for them to accept us as their tutor or educator. After all how could they accept ‘savage male’ logic and understanding as the reality and way of doing things? On the other hand we as men, in dealing with their questions, denial, and rejections were very weak and passive. Hence we could surrender our understanding and knowledge as wrong one, very easily. On top of all these problems, all of us, according to new teachings of our leader, were accused of not wanting to leave our jobs to women and not wanting to pass our knowledge and information to them. We were accused of not letting them to enter into the real world and doing real things. Women too were under immense pressure as according to their new teaching they had to confront and criticise us in any way, they could. They had to show our wrong doings, and how much more capable and sophisticated they are for doing the same jobs. So not only they had to achieve everything achieved by us but even more to prove the correctness of our leader’s word.

            It was for some time that I had to have all my political meetings with my sister masoul. Hence my problem was not to solve any political problem and gain of political achievements any more, but to solve problems I was facing as a result of new phase of Ideological revolution. From the start of any meeting we had new problems till the end. For example in entering any congress building as our women’s dress was symbol of fundamentalism which by then was recognised as the main terrorist’s threat in America, we had to go through double check of security. Walking in building’s corridors, while in the past I was looking every where to find those, whom I knew to show my respect, for strengthening our relations with members and their aids, by now, I had to be very careful as it could be interpreted as ‘sexual look’. After all it was said that our women are our ‘Ideological guard or defence’ against sexual attack of outside world. Doing their ideological job, they were very serious and punctilious in finding all our ‘wrong doings’. Not only they were encouraged to watch us, but also they were asked to try very hard to encourage us (men) to confront each other in all different aspects. For example once my masoul pointed to me, our Mojahedin’s spokesman, who also was under her responsibility, standing, while one of his feet was put on a step higher than the other one. She said: “Shame on you, you see him standing like that advertising his sexuality, and you are not confronting him at all!” For sometimes I was puzzled, what was wrong with his standing, and why should I have to confront him. In America I was told that I am highest among our brothers over there, and have to accept some responsibility towards them. My understanding was that, I have to be their help in dealing with problems, which perhaps could not be helped by their sister’s masouls. So I was trying to help them when they were ill or sad or perhaps with personal problems. While in reality what they meant was to watch their behaviour when there was no sister masoul present. Every now and then I was asked by our masoul to talk with one of our brothers and remind or perhaps warn them about their ‘sexual’ wrong doing. In many cases I was not able to understand the nature of their accusations. So I had to try hard firstly to understand them, then find a proper and understandable way to relay it to poor accused guy. I think most of their accusations were baseless and perhaps were part of their practice to confront ‘savage sexual male aggressive behaviour’ part of their responsibility. After all they, themselves were accused of being in defensive position and ignorant towards aggressive behaviour of men. To prove their ‘revolution’ they had to show their change from being in defensive into offensive position towards men. They too had to have weekly report about themselves and what have they done.

            In all our political meetings our main concern was not political any more, but sexual, as we had to be careful in our behaviour when we had a meeting with a woman. Even when we had a meeting with a man our problems were not finished, in this respect as for sometime our women were not permitted to shake hands with men, we had to warn the meeting person before meeting take place, to save him from embarrassment of rejection by our sisters. Fortunately after some times women too, were permitted again to shake hand in the political meetings with the opposite sex. Apart from these problems, we were facing another problem too, somehow problem of ‘who is who’?! As I was the representative of NCR, obviously had to play as the head of delegation, and spokes-man, in any meeting. At the same time we had our Ideological education that had to be ‘respected and safeguarded even with price of our life’. Hence if I was going to be our spokes-man in our political meetings, I could be accused of not letting our sisters to take their place. And when I was silence and was letting them to talk, apart from creating doubts and confusion in our meeting partner’s mind, it was disaster. As especially in the beginning, our sisters only were repeating whatever they had learned from our public meetings and articles of our papers, many of them completely contradictory to what we were saying in our political meetings. They were not able or permitted to have normal friendly dialogue, and rarely could answer none-classical questions. Many of our meetings were with junior aids of politician and there was no need for presence of two people in the meeting. Hence it was very strange for many of them to see us as couple in all different meetings. Apart from that our sisters whenever wanted to explain things as Masoud was their teacher, they had to start from story of Adam and eve and explain every thing to reach to where the meeting was for. In many cases bored person whom we had meeting with, could not show enough patience and before we reach to our main point, had excused us and left us already. Well, fortunately our old supporters in politic by now, knew us enough not to be offended by changes within our organisation. They were patient and kind enough to accept this situation. Hence the report of meeting with them could produce successful reports not only for our poor sisters but also for correctness of Maryam and Masoud’s vision and saying.

            We men were passive and our women were far from having enough experience to fill the gap of our passiveness. This problem recognised by our leaders and in many speeches they were accusing us of being passive, but as usual as they could not see the root of the problem in their own wrong doings. They were accusing us that our passiveness is because we are losing our positions to women. This accusation instead of solving the problem was magnifying it, as we were getting more careful not to be seen very keen on our job. Once one of our supportive high-ranking aids of congress told me that she wants to run for election and she needs our help. She asked if our supporters in her constituency can help her financially . . . Well though, we, as a foreign political organisation, could not help any American politician by law. We could do it easily and legally as many other lobby organisations representing foreign countries under the name of our Iranian-American supporters. By now it was very common to help them regularly, not only in America but perhaps in other countries too. I relayed her message and the amount she had asked for, with my personal advice, that we should do it. That amount was rejected and fraction of it was accepted. I knew perfectly well the organisation’s suggested amount, not only can solve any problem, but is some kind of insult towards her and her kindness toward us in the past. So I wrote a very long report about my reasoning for asking that amount, while I knew, even after their acceptance, it is going to be my own job to see our supporters and persuade them to give that help. A task, which by itself was a very difficult job. After sometimes I received a reply from our office in Baghdad accusing me of not knowing and understanding the financial problem organisation was facing. Though I could see and name many wasting and extravagance in spending money, in different ceremonies celebrating different occasions, and useless propaganda activities, which only could fool us. On top of that I was questioned about nature of my concern, by asking me that: “How come I am more concern about interest of the organisation than my masouls?!” What it meant was that my concern is not for the organisation but for my own job or perhaps more for her to be elected as she was a woman. Well that was the end of my persuasion, as I could not bear of being accused of personal interest. It was better to be accused of passiveness than having such personal interest.

            After that I was asked to see her and let her to know about our decision. Fortunately I didn’t see her but her political campaign manager. My meeting with him was one of my worse and bitterest experiences in America. In this single meeting I learned a lot about American politics than the rest of my work there. As a present he gave me a book named ‘hardball’ by Christopher Matthew including different advises to young politician. While I was there to persuade him that we are not able to help them as much as they wanted, he was using different tactics in persuading me, from being very friendly and reminding me of advantages we might gain if she is elected till threatening me with different wordings. He was saying: “the amount of your help is show of your support in America, less it is, it is sign of limited support you enjoy among Iranian and rare chance of winning the power in Iran.” He even went as far as saying that: “don’t you think if other members of congress learn about your lobby technique, and limited support you have among Iranian-American, they are going to be very hesitant to support you in the future? After all who is ready to capitalise on the one who has no chance of winning?!”

            Any way whatever he did and said, while it was horrible for me to hear them and having proper answer for them, as decision was made already, I could do nothing about them except to end the meeting as friendly as possible. Unfortunately she lost that election and when organisation realised what have they missed, they gave twice of the requested amount by her to another one to win the next year’s election without any success. My lesson in this experience was, “not to show enthusiasm and persuasion more than what I should in my work” Even once when I received a very strong letter of support from one of the Senators, for few days I was hesitant to show it to my masoul, as it was addressed to me instead of our leader, which could be the sign of my personal achievement.

            Our leader’s lesson from that experience was: “not to take every thing for granted in the politic.” Hence from then on, contrary to the past, every now and then the organisation was asking us with or without reason to give different present and even money to different members when it was not expected. Well this was the Mojahedin’s way of dealing with outside world, always moving from one extreme to another when it was recognised by our leader. Once I was asked to see one of our old political supporters, and give her a Persian carpet. She was a very old member of congress, very well aware of meaning of the present and hesitant to accept it. While everybody even other members of congress were afraid of her as she was known as one of the hardest members of the congress, she was very kind with me more like mother or grand mother. So it was very difficult for me to offer her a carpet, whatever its price. So I bought a box of chocolate to give that on my behalf and the carpet on behalf of our supporters in her constituency. She told me the chocolate is bad for the teeth and asked the carpet to be presented to her by the supporters themselves that even then she didn’t accept it. In another case I had very good and friendly relation with one of the representatives, while nobody was prepared to organise our usual luncheon in ‘honour of Mohadessin. He sponsored one and in the meeting gave one of the finest speeches in honour of him. While I was absent from Washington, a carpet as a present had been delivered into his local office. As a result of that presentation we lost our good relation with him and his office. Later I had to work very hard to persuade them that we didn’t want to bribe them. At the end he agreed we take the carpet and give it to the church in his constituency. Though he continued in signing our different letters of support, but he never again went any further in supporting us.

            It was for sometimes which I could see no hope for improvement in our political activities and gaining new achievements. What ever the organisation wanted and was asking for could be achieved easily with not much effort. Quantity and genuineness of our achievements were not important at all as long as they could be advertised as show of our political strength, especially to Iraqis and our members and supporters. For example using American custom of having lunch or dinner with personalities and politician in ceremonies for thousand dollars or more, Mohadessin could attend a dinner party with Clinton the president of the United States. Later Photographs of this dinner party were printed in our papers as official meeting of our representative with the president of America. Even it was mentioned that they sent their best regard for Maryam. Usual courtesy response of Politician to letters of congratulations of any body like Masoud, for example the one to Clinton was going to be published as personal letters. To see our paper’s titles about these kind of achievements especially the Clinton’s letter, for me and many in our department not only was funny but depressing as it was generating false impression among people and especially our supporters which was not real at all.

            I joined Mojahedin for a reason, and I was with them mainly for the same reason while for sometimes, it seemed that our goal has changed from saving our people and our country from the misery they were in, into ‘Personal Ideological achievements’. I wanted to see the real progress, wherever I was working and in whatever I was doing. I wanted to see myself useful and my work positive in our way toward overthrow of the regime. By now it was clear for me that we cannot go any step forward in our American politics without having a strong lobby, more or less the same as one Israelis had. I could feel that we have all the means for having such a lobby. Strong lobby could solve all our political problems in the United States, and even after the revolution, it was the only guarantor of our independence. The way to do that was to work with our supporters; with their help we could establish the lobby, which I wanted. So I was directing all my efforts toward them.

            But working with our supporters was not problem-less as well. Most of our women’s masouls, though by nature were very sympathetic and affectionate, in dealing with our supporters and ordinary people were very hard, not able to recognise, understand, and accept their individual problems as real ones. Hence their answers and their solutions to problems they had in helping us financially or time wise, not only were acceptable, but in many situations were insulting and repulsive. The main element of our answers to all personal problems, which was very real in our mind, was comparison of them with problems of our people in Iran and their suffering. In this way, we could minimise their individual problem as much as (at least in our own mind) it was negligible. Kindness, hardworking and sacrifices of us were stopping our supporters to stand against our arguments. So we were thinking that our reasoning in facing any of their problems is sufficient enough, while in reality, we were losing our old supporters daily, as their only answer to our inconsiderate solutions were to avoid us as much as possible.

            One of the problems that we had to face every day of our organisational life was, financial problem. While we were criticising the regime for not being able to solve financial problem of the country, we, ourselves after fifteen years had not been able to solve even fraction of our own problem. Our answer to ‘why have we such a problem’ was that: “no government in the world is helping us and we have to solve it by ourselves.” Then we used to ask back: “Do we have to fight or spend all our energy for earning money?” We had many talented merchants of Bazaar among our old supporters. I guess with some initial capital, they could solve our problem easily, as I, myself with no experience or especial talent, with help of our supporters could begin a business, which if they were letting us to continue it, certainly by then was large enough to solve many of our financial problems. But our leader’s shortsighted view about the future, left us with that problem forever. Our merchant’s supporters either were driver of our different services or at most masoul of shopping for our daily domestic needs in different bases.

            Our leader’s answer to all our financial problems as his solution to other problems was to put more pressure on his followers. Rajavi’s main talent was to find words, ways, or perhaps tricks for forcing his disciples to work harder, in physical term. After each stage of Ideological revolution the main slogan was that our energy and our achievements especially in financial terms has to grow by ten or even hundred times. Following these slogans our sisters who had to show, their ability, commitments and believes, were transferring at least part of the exerted pressure on the members and supporters under their responsibility. As a result after ten or fifteen years, still many of our members and supporters, some of them as old as sixty with many physical illnesses, or as young as ten years old, had to stand in the streets, for ten to fifteen hours per day asking people for money. It was our ‘SW’ works, which we were very proud of it and used to be praised by our leader in many speeches as guarantors of our independence. Yes we were calling the suffering of our members and supporters, as ‘price of our independence’, while in reality it was price of our incompetence and naiveté to see the future and reality and hence, facing its problems.

            Though our masouls always were able to find new tricks for forcing our members to work harder and gain more in SW work, but as we were losing many of our supporters, especially those who were ready to do SW work, we never were able to reach to the targets put in front of our masouls. As a result they were trying to substitute the shortage of it by borrowing and asking for financial help from some supporters, and some Iranians who were showing some sympathy toward us.

            Hence while for working with supporters, I had my own reason, which in my own mind was very important and essential for future of our organisation’s work in America and even our country. My masoul’s interests in letting me to switch my efforts more and more, toward supporters were financial gains, as I could understand supporters better and love them more, hence could persuade them more than our sisters in helping us financially or joining our SW work’s team.

            As other masouls, there was a set amount of incomes, which I had to have from my meetings with supporters and Iranian. The problem was that by now American states were divided between several sisters masouls, where each one of them had to gather certain amount of money from supporters within their geographical boundary. The amount set for each one of us was as high as we never could reach it. And of course it always was rising with any new phase of ideological revolution as our energy and ability supposed to increase by ten times or more. Not only that, even by any ‘glorious news’ such as ‘meeting of Mohadessin with Clinton!’ or ‘letter of Clinton to Masoud!’. This set amount was rising again. As there was claim that our supporters have found new incentives for helping us. My personal problem on top of every body else’s problem was that I had no geographical boundary and no body under my personal responsibility to get help from. So I had to travel state by state, have general meeting with our supporters and some Iranian close to us, explain the situation, answer their questions, and ask for financial help.

            During their question’s time, sometimes I was facing strange questions or situations which was reminding me how far we have take distance from ordinary people and natural way of thinking. In a meeting in Lexington of Kentucky state, I was asked about Fahieme’a, what are her virtues to become the deputy of Maryam?! I answered back in a way, which I understood and believed myself. I said: “She has noting from herself, whatever she has is from Maryam, her ability is to minimise her personal individuality and become united with Maryam. So instead of thinking about herself and her interest, and having personal incentives from personal achievements, she can have greater incentives from achievements of the organisation hence she can think and learn and act faster and deeper than any of us . . . ”

            I was shocked when the one who asked me the question stopped me by saying: “what is wrong with individuality, which we had to fight against it and overcome it?!” Then he add, “I am individual me, I am married and have my own children, this is our home, (where meeting was taking place,) I love my wife and my children more than any thing else in the world, I like certain foods and certain colours, I like to be successful, and see my talent and personal achievements, it brings happier and more comfortable life for my family and of course then I can help others as well, including Mojahedin. I even might join you in fighting against the regime in Iran as I think that is ‘my country’ and I want to see it free and happy and glories, . . . So my individuality helps me to achieve better life for myself and my family and be a useful person for the community here and even for my own country and of course your organisation too. Now tell me what is wrong with that which I have to forget about it and get all my incentives from somebody else even as pure and noble as Maryam?!” Perhaps if he was one of our ideological supporters, one of the old ones, I was able to answer him. But if he was one of them, he never was going to ask that sort of question, as we too never asked any real questions from our leader, not only we were not asking but by now all of us including our close supporters had learned not to doubt and not to think about this sort of questions which was putting every thing under question mark. Frankly I didn’t know what to tell him, by now apart from him every body else including many of our old supporters were waiting to hear my response. After many years, I was back on earth, facing real people and real questions. The only thing that I could say was the truth as I could see and understand it by then. So I said: “Well nothing is wrong with you but you have chosen not to be a Mojahed, while we have. Individualism and Monotheism are two different contradictory ways of thinking and living, one might believe in former, another in latter. It is going to be a very long discussion if we want to prove to each other correctness or wrong of each other’s belief, as I think at the end none of us could do that as these are our beliefs and their correctness cannot be proved scientifically or even logically. What is important is that we have a common interest in our country and our people, and common enemy. These are enough for us to be as close and as united as possible in whole of our lifetime.

            In another meeting in San Jose of California, I was talking about ‘Forogh operation’. I was explaining our political achievements, which was making that operation worthy of doing and having so many martyrs. Among many achievements which I was numbering them! I could not hold myself to talk about the real one. As I understood it by then and was told by Masoud in private as our real achievement! I said by doing that we killed the chance of any ‘ESTEHALLE’, (transformation of the regime toward moderation). Again in question time, Instead of common questions about the political situation or our situation in Iran and outlook for overthrow of the regime, a guy asked me what is wrong with ‘ESTEHALLE ‘and start arguing against us from this angle. It was for long that nobody was questioning us for our position against ESTEHALLE of the regime. If any body was asking us a question against whatever which was considered by us as fact, we were not questioning our own position but the one who had that question, calling him anti-revolutionary, . . .

            Though our political position was that transformation of Iranian regime from a fundamentalist one into a Moderate or pragmatist one is impossible, among Iranian and especially our supporters we were not hesitant in showing our opposition against any regime in Iran except a revolutionary one which obviously could not be anything except rule of NCR which clearly meant Mojahedin. The guy who asked me the question, didn’t stop there and start asking me about our position toward Bazargan, by praising him for his courage, which has enabled him, while living in Iran opposing the regime’s totalitarianism in any way he can. He asked me about recent position of Rajavi against Bazargan and many articles by different people especially one by Dr. Hezarkhani against him.

            Few years back, Bazargan in one of his open letters to Khomieni as show of his oppositions to oppression and suppression in Iran, mentioned that: “In Iranian situation, one either has to stand and resist against the regime or have some kind of minor and treacherously life . . . ” This sentence was repeated perhaps hundred times in different articles and statements against Bazargan, the most famous one was the mentioned article by Hezarkhani. Now he was asking me what was wrong with that letter of Bazargan and if Hezarkhani or any of us were not living in comfort and safety of American and European countries and had to live back in Iran had the courage of issuing a statement like that?! In his recent statement, Bazargan had opposed the condemnation of violation of human rights in Iran by the United Nations, by calling it as an excuse for foreign countries for their future involvement in Iranian situation and a threat against Iran’s independence. Rajavi in response called his position as “a hateful dance for Iranian regime” and “a disgusting prepayment” before Iranian presidential election for having petty facilities and concessions. He also repeated the famous sentence of Bazargan from his open letter to Khomieni, by saying: “this is another sign of that petty and treacherously life . . . ” In his statement Masoud implied that Bazargan took that position for having permission to nominate himself for presidential election while already in an interview with Persian broadcast of BBC Bazargan had rejected that idea by saying that his right for nomination has been rejected once before by the Guardian Council, while this is not their right, but right of people to choose or reject any one they want. Then he added: “In our view this election is not legal and has no credibility for us to join it . . . “I think, as what Masoud had said about Bazargan long time ago, Bazargan’s honesty was one of his virtues, so whatever criticism we had against him, we could not interpret his position as his eager for becoming president. Right or wrong, he meant what he said. So again I didn’t have proper answer for that guy. Fortunately some of our close supporters start arguing with him, calling him ‘supporter of Bazargan’ and ‘antirevolutionary’; as they were arguing with each other, I found some time to think and an opportunity to show our democratic reactions to our oppositions by rescuing him from our supporters. That argument of mine about Forogh, was my mistake, I had to know the difference between our real positions with political one. I realised we no more can be as honest as before in our public meetings and have to act as we used to do in our political meetings. As a result I changed my way of answering and start answering him as I was answering a member of congress in response to the same questions. That night I realised how far we have taken distance from where we were in the beginning of the revolution. We were accusing the same Bazargan when he was prime Minster for not caring about our independence and we were issuing almost the same statement as it was issued by him in reaction of condemnation of violation of human rights by American and International organisations.

            Masoud in his letter of congratulation to Clinton had said that his victory is a victory for democracy and human rights in today’s world. Few months later we had political meeting with Senator George Mc Govern the candidate of Democrats for presidency election of 1972, almost the same time as Mojahedin were proud of assassinating American in Iran. Well right or wrong not only we were not the same Mojahedin of fifteen or twenty years ago, but we were not able to understand needs and hopes of an ordinary Iranian and even a supporter with some questions. Not only we as Mojahedin were not able to be what we were but also I could see myself, that I am not the same person as I was, and could not talk heart to heart with people as I used to. I was thinking about these things but of course, not with entire convictions, hence I was not able to let my thinking to crystallise from feeling into the understanding and believing. Still I could see the misery of our people, killing and murder of our members, recent assassination of Naghdii our NCR’s representative in Italy and torture and murder of our friend Ghorbanii, our political representative in Turkey. I could see sacrifices and hard working of our own people; and more than anything my own wrong doings and weakness. I was interpreting all my doubts as my own personal weaknesses and perhaps my mind’s resistance against new article of the ideological revolution. After all we had warned many times by Maryam about attack of our own devil against new person that we were going to be. ‘A person of steel, far from individualism, far from any personal desires. A person far from himself and melt in our leadership’.

            Soliciting

            More I was talking to our supporters, especially when I wanted to persuade them to help us financially, more I was realising the difficulties and problems our sisters were facing. We as men without saying or doing anything had our status and recognition among our supporters and even Iranian and foreigners, on top of that we had more experience in dealing with outside world, and many of us had education as well. Our women not only had to work much harder to reach to the same level as us. But to prove the article ‘D’, to show their superiority and more ability over men, they had to work even harder. Perhaps this was why in many cases, I could notice to get more help, they had to use different tactics, many of them, morally, and principally, wrong. Usually to get financial help we were saying the truth, about our need for our political work or for having demonstration and so on, even if when we had to lie, it was going to be a ‘white lie’, we could go as far as asking money for our army, for example we were claiming that we have to buy our tanks or even helicopters. For many of our supporters, this excuse was funny, as they perfectly knew that with that kind of money they were giving us, we were not able to buy a rifle, not talking about those armaments. After all the total amount of money earned by all of our activities, announced few months later by the organisation was six billion Toman during four years time. With the price of dollar around three hundred Toman, our earning for each year in average was some thing around seven million dollars. As far as I know it never went higher than that figure. Only expense of any of our demonstrations in America was something between five hundred thousand to one million dollars. On top of that though very little compare to outside world, but still we had expense of our daily work and personal outside of Iraq and even in Iraq itself, as because of existing embargo, many goods had to be bought from Europe and sent there. Hence it was very clear to everybody that we receive our armaments from Iraqis. Sometimes we had to be blunt about justifying it by saying that we had borrowed land from Iraqis to fight against the regime, can’t we borrow armaments? Any way our sisters finding that the excuse for buying weapons is not working were using more and more emotional excuses, which were working only once or at most twice. To reach to the level of earning asked by the organisation, they had no choice except asking for loan. This was another disaster, which we had to face for years to come. Everywhere and almost everyday as representative of NCR supposedly the highest representative of the organisation there, I was facing complain of many people claiming that the organisation owe them certain amount of money, which is for long overdue. When our masouls were finding a close supporter rich enough and dedicated enough to accept their excuses, they were not hesitant to use any trick to get help from them. We had a house in Washington as our main base, not even third of its mortgage was paid, I think few times we sold that house to one of our close supporters a doctor and his wife, both of them very old and close supporters, kind and helpful and mindful of the organisation, each time after facing banks wanted to confiscate the house because of overdue instalments, we were persuading him to buy the house and save us from losing that house. Each time he was accepting to do that with the condition that we pay the remainder of the instalments of the new mortgage. But after sometimes when he was facing that we have not paid the instalments, he was more than happy for saving his name to sell it back to us for nothing. Then this scenario was going to be repeated again. He was telling me: “I am more than happy if they let me know when they are not going to pay the bank instalments, so I can pay it myself. Your masouls simply don’t know what does credit and having good or bad credit record in this country means.” He was right our masouls didn’t know anything about those things and as matter of fact anything about ordinary life and its problems, but that was not all of it. They didn’t know anything about promises too, the only promise and oath they could understand was their oath with Maryam and Masoud. And the only commitments they were obliged to was their commitments to our leaders. Many times to sort out these problems every where, I was getting assurances and promises from our top masouls, and soon after giving my personal promises to people, I could face new case or repeat of an old one. I was not as ideological as my masouls and still was respecting my personal promises and was trying hard to honour them. But how could I? Many of them to lend us money they had to get second mortgage from banks, with our promise that we are going to pay the instalments. As in almost all cases we were not able to pay those instalments, they were losing their credit, and some had lost it already. The only thing I could do was to persuade them to forget about their loan and consider it as a help to us, or asking from another supporter to accept the responsibility for paying their debt or its instalments to the Banks. In many cases our poor sister masouls could not do any thing either as they were ordered not to spend a dollar from their earnings and get their budget from our main office, and when they were getting their budget there was no mention of repayment of the debts. I realised extend of the pressure on them, when I faced an especial case.

            Once I was called by our masoul, she asked me to go to Los Angles to sort out a problem. She told me that one of our full time supporters has stolen about twenty thousand dollars of our money, when he was supposed to transfer it to our account in Europe. While she was very cool in letting me know about that case, a representative of our financial department who was there was very hot and was giving different slogans. To prove his commitments toward our leadership he was saying that if he sees that supporter he is going to kill him or bite his ear, … as stealing from the organisation is a crime which cannot be pardoned, . . . They were asking me to arrange some kind of trial for him in front of our supporters, and after reviling his crime, force him to repay back the money. I knew that supporter and his wife and knew how fine and honest people they are; still, I could not reject my masouls arguments, as I had heard stealing of money by our supporters in few cases before. While every body was working very hard for earning money, at the same time our system was very open and simple and we could be robbed very easily. Even once our money kept in rubbish bag by mistake was left outside of the base to be collected as rubbish. I asked that guy, representative of our finance department to see his evidences against our supporter. Obviously all receipts were fake. But they were made very unprofessionally. Even if I wanted to forget about my personal judgement about that supporter, I could not accept that work as his. So I told my masoul that, if she want me to solve this problem, First, I have to investigate myself to find the truth as I am not fully satisfied. She told me, “it is not up to you to find the truth, it has already been realised who has stolen the money.” Any way I didn’t accept to do what I was asked, and they sent somebody else to do it. About the same time the same supporter called me. He asked me to do something about that. But what could I do. I knew my masoul, she was not as harsh as she looked in this case and I could realise that she, herself has some doubt about that matter and perhaps this is why she doesn’t want to do it herself, so her strong word was not from herself, I was sure she had her order from Baghdad, so none of us could do anything about that. I told him if you feel you are sinless, surrender yourself to their judgment and defend yourself, I am sure no body can hide the truth. I never pardoned myself for not standing for him, I could see what they are doing is wrong, but the only thing I did, was to keep my self clean from that dirty job. A year later I learned the truth. As our masoul in California was always under pressure to rise their income, after using all different tactics and tricks she knew, at the end she had found no choice but pretending that she has transferred that amount of money which never was earned and existed. She knew our financial system and was very hopeful that nobody is going to find out about it. Well she was not completely wrong as after many times using the same method eventually, they found out about it. After all our financial system was in mess, mostly because of irrational and rapid change of financial decisions by Masoud.

            Apparently, when the organisation told our masoul about the case, first she didn’t dare to say the truth, but later had to accept what was the fact. While that poor guy had lost his face among many of our supporters. The organisation never felt responsible to clear his name openly as they did when they accused him. About the same time I saw Maryam alone and told her about this case, her response was similar to one I faced about fifteen years before, when I raised some problem with one of the Mojahedin’s masouls, who was in Britain. She told me, “When this happened where were you?.” Like last time when I heard this response, I had no answer except shame, I felt very ashamed of witnessing something like that and not doing anything about it. Any way Maryam asked me to see the accused supporter and apologise on her behalf, I tried very hard to see him and relay Maryam’s message to him, but I never succeeded, he never accepted to see me or anybody else from the organisation.

            My main hope for solving our financial problems and at the same time to find new Iranian concern about our political activities to help us in our lobby was to talk to Iranian not among our usual supporters. I have to say in this respect somehow I was successful. Perhaps I over emphasised on this idea, as I found our masoul expecting much more than